Achievable??

[ztyu123]

I am 40 years old and live with my mother who's 89 that I am a caregiver for just about 24/7. She has high blood pressure, a pacemaker is prone to epileptic seizures, memory retention problems (due to epileptic seizures, which severed her median nerve some 2018), her equilibrium is off as well sometimes she walks with a cane, altogether she is just slowing down due to age. My once extremely active mother is an unrecognizable shell of herself and I'm sure that she suffers from a deep depression because of it.

Due to everything going on with her, she often lashes out at me and is verbally abusive at times (which I don't take it personally because it's due to her depression geared towards her life-changing drastically) I do the best I can to ensure the rest of her days are spent as comfortably as possible. I cook, I clean, I run errands, I manage finances, I help her often with filling out paperwork, basically I help her with whatever I can.

Before entering my current relationship, we both had several conversations about what my life entailed, and he kept reassuring me that he understood and also wanted to become long-term with me and he could see marriage in the future.

He told me that he would be there for me and help me in any way that he could. That he didn't mind and understood the responsibilities and challenges of being solely responsible for the well-being of another as he is a father. We came to the conclusion that we would just do our best to incorporate and come to some peace about these things to have a hopefully prosperous relationship.

We have been dating for 6 months. We were seeing each other every day for about an hour or two a day, but we would communicate via phone for most of the remaining days.

Lately, he seems to have developed a selfish or "entitlement" feeling/phase. I feel like he wishes that my mother wasn't a factor so that we could marry and start a life together. he has been feeling slighted. Lately, he'll make insensitive marks and doesn't honor or cherish the time we do spend together. It's always wishing that he had more time with me. . Like right after we spend time together instead of the usual text saying he enjoyed our time together and can't wait to see me again... He's been asking me how long is "this" going to continue?

Bear in mind he has a small child that he takes care of on a bi-weekly basis in which during that time we don't see each other, we just communicate via phone, and he often apologizes for the absence. I always assure him that there's nothing to apologize for, and also not to ever apologize for being a father to his child.

I feel as though if he wanted for us to spend more time together and grow more in our relationship, he could offer to come into my home and spend time with my mom and i, or help around the house. Even simple things like dishes, cleaning, washing clothes a little to help me. I could probably see if I could get outdoors and do the occasional activity with him every once in a while.

I am also physically "impaired". I have congenital heart malformation with leaky heart valves, heart murmurs that often make me fatigued and the simplest tasks take a lot of energy from me. In the midst of everything else, I also care for my dog.

I feel like a relationship as a caregiver is achievable, with the right partner. I feel like maybe he isn't the right person to have something long-term with. He's already complaining lately about everything and it's been 6 months. Challenges, life circumstances, and situations can easily arise at any point. I feel like he is a "bailer out" and a runner when things get difficult. this screams short-term for me.

Am I overreacting?? Am I wrong??

 

[Sidewinder]

Hey, taking care of your ailing mother is a labor of love, and I know, because I took care of mine for a number of years before she passed away. She had some serious medical issues, but at least she received care through Balboa Naval Hospital, otherwise she would've been screwed due to medical costs. I actually came off the road (trucking) to take care of her, as we would've had to pay someone anyway, and no way we could afford it... plus I didn't want some uncaring stranger looking after my mom.

Honestly, it appears that this person you're dating doesn't have the patience or the true commitment to help you through this difficult time in your life. Moi, I always figured taking care of my own mom was the TOPMOST PRIORITY, and EVERYTHING ELSE took a back seat, yeah? I took good care of my mom, and yes, there was sacrifice involved, but this was something I felt strongly about, since this person brought me into the world (not her fault that the world is a messed-up place, lol). 

Sounds like you already know what to do in this situation... sure, we all want companionship and love, but in certain situations like this one you've described, taking care of your own mother takes precedence over all else. It'd be different if you didn't give a honeysuckle about your mom, but you obviously DO care, which is a good thing. I was taught to respect my elders, and what better way than to take care of those elders at the end of their lives? Yeah, I fell down on the job with my dad, but he had others to look after him at the end.

My mom passed away six years ago, but she's still loved & missed to this day. Yeah, we had our moments, especially with one or both of us feeling stressed out, but I stuck to it and took good care of her, knowing that no stranger could ever do as well. It's important that you take a little time out for yourself when you can, as long as everything else has been handled in an appropriate manner... for me, long walks on the Silver Strand (beach) were good for getting exercise and clearing my mind. Sailing days too, back when we lived in Coronado. 

Like I said, this sort of situation is definitely a labor of love... no way would I ever allow anyone outside my family to interfere with taking care of my elderly mom. I don't care what form the interference takes, I just wouldn't do it. A good friend of mine recently went through the same situation, and it wasn't easy for her... it's never easy for anyone, I don't care how strong they are. I helped this friend with plenty of advice, and now her mom is at rest, while my friend also knows she did everything she could to make her mom comfortable toward the end.  

JUST MY $.02 AS SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH A SIMILAR SITUATION... FAMILY TOOK PRECEDENCE, ESPECIALLY MY OWN BELOVED MOM.  

P.S. My mom passed away at 89, after a long & full life... your mom is already 89, and I can personally guarantee that this stressful situation you're in will NOT last forever. In the meantime, I suggest you stay focused upon what's really important: seeing your mom out gracefully and making her last days/weeks/months/years as comfortable as possible. Oh, yeah, don't forget to reach out for hospice care toward the end, otherwise the entire situation can overwhelm you. Be strong when you can, take a break when you're feeling overwhelmed. That's the best advice I have to offer...

 

[kaetic]

I think you should trust your instinct.
You're the only one who can really judge your relationship.
Though, from what you said... I have to agree with you. He sounds like he didn't realize what taking care of some one involves, despite you explaining it to him... and him being a parent himself. Bi-weekly anyway.
Of course you can have a relationship as a caregiver, but he doesn't sound like he can handle it.

 

[Finished]

^ Yep. and ^^ Yep.

Taking care of a child every other week is COMPLETELY different then being a caregiver for an elderly person with conditions. He had no clue what that meant, which is understandable and fine. But, it sounds like he isn't interested in being a part of it either. Instead he's adding more pressure to you, which you do not need. Perhaps you can suggest taking a step backwards and just enjoying some time together once in awhile instead.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Is this the same guy from back in February? Because this thread is identical to that one, so not sure how long you've been dating him or what's going on.

I still have to go with what I said the last time. Chances are you could find a way to spend more time with him. You could find a nurse or someone to take care of your mother for a night or two during the week or even every other week so you can have date night with your guy.

I personally don't think it's wrong that he wants to spend more time with you. It's hard to be in a long term relationship when you hardly get to spend time with each other, especially when you could put more effort into it, if you really like this guy. It's been 6 months (or 11? seriously, what's going on?) and you still only spend a hour or so with him? I would probably be a little concerned as well. And you want him to come clean for you so you have more time? I doubt I'd take you up on that either. Yes, he could probably come over more, but you have to be willing to go out.

If you like him, you will find a way. But honestly, it doesn't sound like you much care either way.
Yes, your mother needs help and it's commendable that you are taking care of her, but you can't put your own life aside for her. Find a way to have a life and take care of your mother. There has to be give and take in any relationship, whether that is family or significant other.

 

[theablekingathelstan]

I am 40 years old and live with my mother who's 89 that I am a caregiver for just about 24/7. She has high blood pressure, a pacemaker is prone to epileptic seizures, memory retention problems (due to epileptic seizures, which severed her median nerve some 2018), her equilibrium is off as well sometimes she walks with a cane, altogether she is just slowing down due to age. My once extremely active mother is an unrecognizable shell of herself and I'm sure that she suffers from a deep depression because of it.

Due to everything going on with her, she often lashes out at me and is verbally abusive at times (which I don't take it personally because it's due to her depression geared towards her life-changing drastically) I do the best I can to ensure the rest of her days are spent as comfortably as possible. I cook, I clean, I run errands, I manage finances, I help her often with filling out paperwork, basically I help her with whatever I can.

Before entering my current relationship, we both had several conversations about what my life entailed, and he kept reassuring me that he understood and also wanted to become long-term with me and he could see marriage in the future.

He told me that he would be there for me and help me in any way that he could. That he didn't mind and understood the responsibilities and challenges of being solely responsible for the well-being of another as he is a father. We came to the conclusion that we would just do our best to incorporate and come to some peace about these things to have a hopefully prosperous relationship.

We have been dating for 6 months. We were seeing each other every day for about an hour or two a day, but we would communicate via phone for most of the remaining days.

Lately, he seems to have developed a selfish or "entitlement" feeling/phase. I feel like he wishes that my mother wasn't a factor so that we could marry and start a life together. he has been feeling slighted. Lately, he'll make insensitive marks and doesn't honor or cherish the time we do spend together. It's always wishing that he had more time with me. . Like right after we spend time together instead of the usual text saying he enjoyed our time together and can't wait to see me again... He's been asking me how long is "this" going to continue?

Bear in mind he has a small child that he takes care of on a bi-weekly basis in which during that time we don't see each other, we just communicate via phone, and he often apologizes for the absence. I always assure him that there's nothing to apologize for, and also not to ever apologize for being a father to his child.

I feel as though if he wanted for us to spend more time together and grow more in our relationship, he could offer to come into my home and spend time with my mom and i, or help around the house. Even simple things like dishes, cleaning, washing clothes a little to help me. I could probably see if I could get outdoors and do the occasional activity with him every once in a while.

I am also physically "impaired". I have congenital heart malformation with leaky heart valves, heart murmurs that often make me fatigued and the simplest tasks take a lot of energy from me. In the midst of everything else, I also care for my dog.

I feel like a relationship as a caregiver is achievable, with the right partner. I feel like maybe he isn't the right person to have something long-term with. He's already complaining lately about everything and it's been 6 months. Challenges, life circumstances, and situations can easily arise at any point. I feel like he is a "bailer out" and a runner when things get difficult. this screams short-term for me.

Am I overreacting?? Am I wrong??

He should be dumped. This seems like hasty advice. But then he’s not empathetic at all and he isn’t really respecting the time of either yourself or your mother. You deserve somebody more empathetic and attuned to your situation.

 

[ztyu123]

Thank you everyone. I realized that he was the problem, never my mom. If someone speaks about trying to be long term, this wouldn't have been an issue. Life happens, tossing me aside and being demanding isn't the way to be. Also, we broke up because he was a terrible partner, and didn't genuinely want me. He was/is still in love with his ex and she didn't want him so he dated the first person to come along...which happened to be me. I was the rebound. He was constantly demanding me to be someone that I'm not. He would make excuses not to see me and would basically blame me for everything wrong. He held zero accountability. He always put me down about my physical appearance, about my life with my mother, etc... He would lie and try to manipulate me to get me to marry him possibly to make his ex jealous and be a babysitter for his child. He would lie and tell me that he didn't say it or mean it like that. He told me that he loved me one day and never said it again. I asked him if he did and he said no and that he didn't mean it that way. He was dissatisfied with my appearance and put me down whenever he saw me. He would tell me that I was beautiful but needed a makeover, which meant he didn't think highly of me at all. It was always complaints about my clothes, hair, body, skin, etc... The first time we reconnected and saw each other, he told me that I needed moisturizer and chapstick. He would say things like if I "fixed" myself up I would be fighting guys off. One day he lifted my semi saggy breasts up and told me that I needed a bra on. He was awful to me. I realized that he was abusive to his ex as well. Also, he blames her for everything not going well in his life. Such as him not getting a promotion at work because of he felt that it was all her fault that he has court dates and charges against him. No personal accountability whatsoever. I didn't realize it back then , but he was. He used me, and disposed of me. He broke up with me. I know that things couldn't continue the way things were, but I'm very saddened by the whole situation and breakup. I loved him. He disposed of me in October and we haven't spoken since.

 

[ztyu123]

Hey, taking care of your ailing mother is a labor of love, and I know, because I took care of mine for a number of years before she passed away. She had some serious medical issues, but at least she received care through Balboa Naval Hospital, otherwise she would've been screwed due to medical costs. I actually came off the road (trucking) to take care of her, as we would've had to pay someone anyway, and no way we could afford it... plus I didn't want some uncaring stranger looking after my mom.

Honestly, it appears that this person you're dating doesn't have the patience or the true commitment to help you through this difficult time in your life. Moi, I always figured taking care of my own mom was the TOPMOST PRIORITY, and EVERYTHING ELSE took a back seat, yeah? I took good care of my mom, and yes, there was sacrifice involved, but this was something I felt strongly about, since this person brought me into the world (not her fault that the world is a messed-up place, lol).

Sounds like you already know what to do in this situation... sure, we all want companionship and love, but in certain situations like this one you've described, taking care of your own mother takes precedence over all else. It'd be different if you didn't give a honeysuckle about your mom, but you obviously DO care, which is a good thing. I was taught to respect my elders, and what better way than to take care of those elders at the end of their lives? Yeah, I fell down on the job with my dad, but he had others to look after him at the end.

My mom passed away six years ago, but she's still loved & missed to this day. Yeah, we had our moments, especially with one or both of us feeling stressed out, but I stuck to it and took good care of her, knowing that no stranger could ever do as well. It's important that you take a little time out for yourself when you can, as long as everything else has been handled in an appropriate manner... for me, long walks on the Silver Strand (beach) were good for getting exercise and clearing my mind. Sailing days too, back when we lived in Coronado.

Like I said, this sort of situation is definitely a labor of love... no way would I ever allow anyone outside my family to interfere with taking care of my elderly mom. I don't care what form the interference takes, I just wouldn't do it. A good friend of mine recently went through the same situation, and it wasn't easy for her... it's never easy for anyone, I don't care how strong they are. I helped this friend with plenty of advice, and now her mom is at rest, while my friend also knows she did everything she could to make her mom comfortable toward the end.

JUST MY $.02 AS SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH A SIMILAR SITUATION... FAMILY TOOK PRECEDENCE, ESPECIALLY MY OWN BELOVED MOM.

P.S. My mom passed away at 89, after a long & full life... your mom is already 89, and I can personally guarantee that this stressful situation you're in will NOT last forever. In the meantime, I suggest you stay focused upon what's really important: seeing your mom out gracefully and making her last days/weeks/months/years as comfortable as possible. Oh, yeah, don't forget to reach out for hospice care toward the end, otherwise the entire situation can overwhelm you. Be strong when you can, take a break when you're feeling overwhelmed. That's the best advice I have to offer...

Thank you for the great advice. My sincere condolences for the loss.

 

[Sunless Sky]

I am 40 years old and live with my mother who's 89 that I am a caregiver for just about 24/7. She has high blood pressure, a pacemaker is prone to epileptic seizures, memory retention problems (due to epileptic seizures, which severed her median nerve some 2018), her equilibrium is off as well sometimes she walks with a cane, altogether she is just slowing down due to age. My once extremely active mother is an unrecognizable shell of herself and I'm sure that she suffers from a deep depression because of it.

Due to everything going on with her, she often lashes out at me and is verbally abusive at times (which I don't take it personally because it's due to her depression geared towards her life-changing drastically) I do the best I can to ensure the rest of her days are spent as comfortably as possible. I cook, I clean, I run errands, I manage finances, I help her often with filling out paperwork, basically I help her with whatever I can.

Before entering my current relationship, we both had several conversations about what my life entailed, and he kept reassuring me that he understood and also wanted to become long-term with me and he could see marriage in the future.

He told me that he would be there for me and help me in any way that he could. That he didn't mind and understood the responsibilities and challenges of being solely responsible for the well-being of another as he is a father. We came to the conclusion that we would just do our best to incorporate and come to some peace about these things to have a hopefully prosperous relationship.

We have been dating for 6 months. We were seeing each other every day for about an hour or two a day, but we would communicate via phone for most of the remaining days.

Lately, he seems to have developed a selfish or "entitlement" feeling/phase. I feel like he wishes that my mother wasn't a factor so that we could marry and start a life together. he has been feeling slighted. Lately, he'll make insensitive marks and doesn't honor or cherish the time we do spend together. It's always wishing that he had more time with me. . Like right after we spend time together instead of the usual text saying he enjoyed our time together and can't wait to see me again... He's been asking me how long is "this" going to continue?

Bear in mind he has a small child that he takes care of on a bi-weekly basis in which during that time we don't see each other, we just communicate via phone, and he often apologizes for the absence. I always assure him that there's nothing to apologize for, and also not to ever apologize for being a father to his child.

I feel as though if he wanted for us to spend more time together and grow more in our relationship, he could offer to come into my home and spend time with my mom and i, or help around the house. Even simple things like dishes, cleaning, washing clothes a little to help me. I could probably see if I could get outdoors and do the occasional activity with him every once in a while.

I am also physically "impaired". I have congenital heart malformation with leaky heart valves, heart murmurs that often make me fatigued and the simplest tasks take a lot of energy from me. In the midst of everything else, I also care for my dog.

I feel like a relationship as a caregiver is achievable, with the right partner. I feel like maybe he isn't the right person to have something long-term with. He's already complaining lately about everything and it's been 6 months. Challenges, life circumstances, and situations can easily arise at any point. I feel like he is a "bailer out" and a runner when things get difficult. this screams short-term for me.

Am I overreacting?? Am I wrong??

From what I've read so far, I can only say to try to spend more time with the guy. Maybe he feels you don't appreciate him enough, that's could be why he's acting out. I am not saying for sure the guy is long term relationship material but you'll never find out if you don't spend more time with him, get to know him better. Like callie said, get a night nurse or someone to watch your mother while you go out for a bit. See what happens.

 

[ztyu123]

From what I've read so far, I can only say to try to spend more time with the guy. Maybe he feels you don't appreciate him enough, that's could be why he's acting out. I am not saying for sure the guy is long term relationship material but you'll never find out if you don't spend more time with him, get to know him better. Like callie said, get a night nurse or someone to watch your mother while you go out for a bit. See what happens.

My mother isn't the problem and will never be if I ever enter another relationship. The person that I was with was the problem. I can have a successful relationship with the right person given my life. He just wasn't the right person.