Adoption, Attention, Mistakes...

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CenotaphGirl

Under the dirt, that’s my home ⚰️
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Disclaimer: I really wanted to tell my story, please this is not meant to trigger, this is not even a vent... it's just the truth. If you feel triggered then just click off, I kinda just want one thing I post to be controversial free, especially this, as this is personal...

I was adopted at age 2, by an all white family, it wasn't always easy, I spent a lot of family holidays alone or with someone like my bro or sis...They had to take turns being excluded with me as some family members thought the adoption was wrong. My brother never held it against me, but my sister did, no one asked her what she wanted. She never understood that no one asked me what I wanted either, this is life. My sister did something against my parents wishes and they excluded her permanently, even when my dad was dying he didn't mention her. I actually mentioned her, that he should call her next... but he got angry, not shouting angry just... "don't bring that up now"... He also texted this group chat and said I was to call because I was the only one who could cheer him up, in some ways I can imagine how his own biological child felt reading that. I cant fully picture it... but I understand why she hates me so much, the whole thing wasn't fair. The whole thing was so harsh.

I never built a meaningful relationship with any woman ever, I tried so hard with my mothers, biological hates me and adoptive... well.. dislikes. She pushed me away, I did everything to be accepted, there was things I couldn't talk to my dad about, things I needed to understand, but I had no-one to show me. Kinda gross but when I started my "ladies" she made me sit on the toilet for hours until my sister got home... she didn't even tell me what was going on, I was so scared. My mums "talks" were always so uninformative anyway, but now I think she could have just handed me a product and let me go to bed, instead she left me there...

As time moved on I felt a strange behavioural pattern develop within me, I just preferred to have attention instead of care, but I didn't know, I thought attention meant love.
I only wanted attention from men, as I just got it into my head that all women hate me, most do... probably for good reason nowadays...But there was no good reason when I was a child, sometimes rumours would be made up about me, for nothing... by adult women.Even my dads best friend tells me the men would be in shock that the women came up with these weird stories, some of them felt kinda bad, but no one wanted anything to do with me as then the accusations would start. I went for a birthday party and I was being sick after we had cake and a dad was helping me, he kept the doors wide open and was frantically looking for a woman to take over, his wife came over and said I was doing it on purpose for his attention... in front of me. So yeah...they'd say I'd flirt with their husbands, or I was dressed inappropriately when I wasn't, like really was not, my mum even dressed me and still unacceptable.

I took on the persona they made for me, I was tired of fighting for my innocence in a kangaroo court, I did some awful things, destroyed a few marriages, my mum saw me trying to live up to my reputation, she started trying to rebuild our relationship to see if any of it can be salvaged. My mum taking that step was huge to me, I didn't want to be hated it was just easier than trying to get these people to love.. no wait just accept me. I threw that persona away recently, I want care over attention, I want to hold myself accountable for my misdeeds and forgive the people that hurt me with exclusion, rumours and lies.
 
Thank you for sharing! I think you are going to become a great woman and mother. You definitely are going to be better then the people in your past. I always appreciate that you look at yourself and aspire to become better.
 
None of that was controversial in the slightest . It was just your life story, well part of it anyway. It's healthy that you are searching for actual genuine care over attention, sometimes the line between them can be blurry. Judging by what you've shared here, you have shown a good level of introspection.

Just be careful, it can be easy to fall back into old habits. As they say, old habits die hard.
 

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