Advice is needed... Am I just... making sure we fail?

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CenotaphGirl

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Hey guys, honestly, in terms of my reconnection and restart with the ex... everything is going well...
There I said it, theres no bloody drama, theres no games, theres romance... 🤭 theres fireworks...
Okay maybe not fireworks, but soo many butterflies. So what's the issue?

Right, we are at odds on a parenting issue, I technically have no biological children so sometimes I feel..
Like maybe my opinion is not really wanted in terms of the parenting side, I thought I'd get some opinions.

His daughter is not biologically mine, but I have been given parental rights to her, via the courts.
Yeps, im legally her second mummy, and I take my job very seriously. So my fella and I broke up,
We got her used to the new regime that she sees us separately... we have only just gotten back together, is it fair to let her spend time with both of us together again? So soon?
Truthfully, I dont think so, my fella thinks im being negative and want us to fail...
What would you do? It's just not fair to mess her about, right?...
 
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Colster

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Truthfully, I dont think so, my fella thinks im being negative and want us to fail...

From an outsiders perspective, just based upon your various posts. The whole thing seems a mess.

If you have parental responsibility, what does the court order state, is there a Cafcass report or social workers involved. What guidance has been given there. Admittedly, Carcass are useless, and were fairly recently deemed not fit for purpose. But nonetheless, there should be some instructions in writing.

Are there other parties involved, does the biological mother or her representatives, have an opinion. Has the matter been discussed with them.

Subject to circumstances and specific situations, most children are intuitive, and read matters far better than given credit for. Although given that you, a non biological relative, has parental responsibility, it would be fair to assume there is some troubled history. I do not like to speculate, the parameters could be profound. However, once again I would anticipate written guidance.

I happen to think it is quite noble, if that's no too grand a word, that you are placing the child first. And yet, I could relay back to you, multiple posts in which you convey a need to dominate, and desires for not wanting what you have, namely the current relationship. Are there deep rooted issues, fuss over nothing in particular, or a desire for drama. It really is quite difficult for us to judge based upon what information we have.

However, you have asked for an opinion, and my honest opinion you shall have. I think that the relationship is not particularly stable, and I am guessing that there are issues with all parties. But I do perceive that the relationship will eventually fail.

If I recall correctly, you have previously described a number of personal issues, and issues within relationships. And yes, a heartfelt desire to change. Therefore, is it not reasonable to consider working upon these before burdening the consequences onto a child.

Again, these are just my opinions based upon a collective of your previous posts. There is no assumption of truth or fact.
 

CenotaphGirl

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Truthfully, I dont think so, my fella thinks im being negative and want us to fail...

From an outsiders perspective, just based upon your various posts. The whole thing seems a mess.

If you have parental responsibility, what does the court order state, is there a Cafcass report or social workers involved. What guidance has been given there. Admittedly, Carcass are useless, and were fairly recently deemed not fit for purpose. But nonetheless, there should be some instructions in writing.

Are there other parties involved, does the biological mother or her representatives, have an opinion. Has the matter been discussed with them.

Subject to circumstances and specific situations, most children are intuitive, and read matters far better than given credit for. Although given that you, a non biological relative, has parental responsibility, it would be fair to assume there is some troubled history. I do not like to speculate, the parameters could be profound. However, once again I would anticipate written guidance.

I happen to think it is quite noble, if that's no too grand a word, that you are placing the child first. And yet, I could relay back to you, multiple posts in which you convey a need to dominate, and desires for not wanting what you have, namely the current relationship. Are there deep rooted issues, fuss over nothing in particular, or a desire for drama. It really is quite difficult for us to judge based upon what information we have.

However, you have asked for an opinion, and my honest opinion you shall have. I think that the relationship is not particularly stable, and I am guessing that there are issues with all parties. But I do perceive that the relationship will eventually fail.

If I recall correctly, you have previously described a number of personal issues, and issues within relationships. And yes, a heartfelt desire to change. Therefore, is it not reasonable to consider working upon these before burdening the consequences onto a child.

Again, these are just my opinions based upon a collective of your previous posts. There is no assumption of truth or fact.

Truthfully I respect your opinion, we have been in a total mess, but we decided that instead of carrying on with things in a total mess we'd work everything out, and thus far... it's going okay and thats where its at right now in terms of the relationship. Our relationship has never worked in the past but I met him when I was 16/17, I lied to him about my age, there was domestic violence and all sorts of drama.

We currently have no social workers involved, his Childs wellbeing is deemed okay and she's fortunate to have 2 mums and a dad in her life, but.. it can get confusing. I have remained in her life despite the break up, and was given the rights before the break up so there was no instructions on how to deal with this... the bio mum had some sort of break down during and after pregnancy (she became violent and strange) .. so thats how I got rights but she's still in her life and everything.

There's one thing about me, that... is just my truth and thats I'll always put her first. I'm an adult, I've made mistakes, but they are mine and shouldn't impact her. Thats how I feel about it anyway. But the fact that im not her biological mother always makes me second guess if im doing the right thing by her. I think maybe if I was a mother I'd just automatically know what to do. I dont want to make her dreams come true by letting her think it'll be the 3 of us again if I cant promise it will be for long term.

I second guess my relationship, I know my fella is... flawed in areas that he needs to be better in to make this work. He likes to "love bomb" and promise forevers and it's lovely, I don't wanna seek drama, but I just think.. is that enough to really reintroduce ourselves as a couple to his daughter again?
 

NoxApex(N/A)

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Kids require consistent structural security and upkeep, similarly to both a house, and the human body. It's important to be mindful of what you say to kids and how their psychology develops because if they experience trauma too soon, the brain will react accordingly. When trauma occurs, parts of the memory are blotched out as the mind tries to do damage control and repair itself. This can happen pretty much at any age if given said trauma is severe enough. If a 7 or 10 year old kid is in a pretty horrific car accident, they're going to experience this, as well as likely development of early depression because when the brain blotches stuff out, it usually does so in bulk, there's no picking and choosing about it. That's actually part of the insinuation to the whole Batman story with Bruce losing his family at a young age.
 

sparkyn98

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I second guess my relationship, I know my fella is... flawed in areas that he needs to be better in to make this work. He likes to "love bomb" and promise forevers and it's lovely, I don't wanna seek drama, but I just think.. is that enough to really reintroduce ourselves as a couple to his daughter again?
While I don't think you are "making sure you fail", you obviously DO have your doubts, as you have stated. I haven't been here long enough to read all your posts, but I can see from what others have said, you obviously FEEL deeply.

100% shield the daughter. Always protect the children. I went through a divorce at a very young age (military, drunk, stationed in the UK LOL) and I remember numerous visits I had to make with the chaplain and psych depts (all because we had 2 children together)... they all said the same thing, children can "blame" themselves for separation as early as 3 years old, even if it's an amicable split.
 

CenotaphGirl

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Kids require consistent structural security and upkeep, similarly to both a house, and the human body. It's important to be mindful of what you say to kids and how their psychology develops because if they experience trauma too soon, the brain will react accordingly. When trauma occurs, parts of the memory are blotched out as the mind tries to do damage control and repair itself. This can happen pretty much at any age if given said trauma is severe enough. If a 7 or 10 year old kid is in a pretty horrific car accident, they're going to experience this, as well as likely development of early depression because when the brain blotches stuff out, it usually does so in bulk, there's no picking and choosing about it. That's actually part of the insinuation to the whole Batman story with Bruce losing his family at a young age.
I agree this is where my fear comes from, it's like I dont wanna do anything potentially harmful, or get her hopes up, she really likes things the way they were it's all she's ever known so I dont wanna reintroduce it if its... not the "truth"?...

While I don't think you are "making sure you fail", you obviously DO have your doubts, as you have stated. I haven't been here long enough to read all your posts, but I can see from what others have said, you obviously FEEL deeply.

100% shield the daughter. Always protect the children. I went through a divorce at a very young age (military, drunk, stationed in the UK LOL) and I remember numerous visits I had to make with the chaplain and psych depts (all because we had 2 children together)... they all said the same thing, children can "blame" themselves for separation as early as 3 years old, even if it's an amicable split.

Awh im so sorry a divorce is so tough on the children more than I ever could imagine, my bestie lost sooo much hair over her parents divorce. I think it's so hard to make sure they understand the younger they are.
 
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What would you do? It's just not fair to mess her about, right?...
Bottom line. The child is the most important person in the mix. IMO, it might hurt her to see you back together and then break up again. However, I don't think she would be harmed if it was delayed a little bit until things are becoming more long term. I believe you are thinking correctly.
 

TheRealCallie

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She's 4 :) better add 5 in a couple weeks lolz


So yeah, 4 is a very impressionable age and she should definitely be shielded. She won't really understand anything except that her "second" mommy is back after she was gone...and if you go again, it will be even harder for her to understand. The child and what she needs should come first above the two of you.
 

CenotaphGirl

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So yeah, 4 is a very impressionable age and she should definitely be shielded. She won't really understand anything except that her "second" mommy is back after she was gone...and if you go again, it will be even harder for her to understand. The child and what she needs should come first above the two of you.

Yeah I agree, I dont wanna drag her into the middle of the crap show me and my fella have going on, we are still working things out. What I wanted, was for us to take the amount of time that he would take to introduce a new woman to her, if that makes sense?
 

TheRealCallie

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Yeah I agree, I dont wanna drag her into the middle of the crap show me and my fella have going on, we are still working things out. What I wanted, was for us to take the amount of time that he would take to introduce a new woman to her, if that makes sense?
No, I totally understand that and while I don't know if I'd go AS LONG as that, I would definitely wait a while to make sure it's going to work. If you go away again, that could really upset her.
 

CenotaphGirl

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No, I totally understand that and while I don't know if I'd go AS LONG as that, I would definitely wait a while to make sure it's going to work. If you go away again, that could really upset her.
Oh I never left, but she had to get used to seeing me and her dad separately which made her cry a lot in the beginning
 
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