Afraid to end an unhealthy relationship

[mutag3n]

Hi everyone, it’s been a while.. A lot of things have happened in the past year or so.



I’ll keep the relationship woes to a minimum, but the relationship I’ve been in with my (25F) boyfriend (24M) for nearly 5 years has become very unhealthy and unstable. It’s clear to everyone who knows us that we’re not in a good relationship. We’re more like roommates with benefits. There’s literally no communication, and the distribution of work is practically one sided. I don’t hate him, but I see absolutely no future for us, and I’ve decided things need to end. Unfortunately, we live together alone, having left our friends and family out of state. Neither of us have any support to help us through this. He has ASD and is showing signs of being severely depressed, and I have severe anxiety which often gets so bad it prevents me from being able to speak.



I’ve talked with two different therapists and a crisis counselor, and I’m still no closer to knowing how to end things. I’m not able to concentrate and work and being at home makes me so anxious that I get sick to my stomach. I’m just hoping someone might be able to give me some advice and what I should say and where I should go from there, as I’ve never broken up with someone I’ve lived with before.



It needs to end, I’m just so scared. I don’t know how to get out. I just want my life back, so I can begin to see a future for myself again.

 

[vauxhallastra]

Well, from what you've written, it sounds as if neither of you is happy in the relationship. So I would consider it that way: you are doing him a favour. If you both want the relationship to end, then it should end.

If you do have friends and family a distance away, could you go and stay with them? That should give you some emotional as well as physical distance, and perhaps someone you are comfortable with to talk to.

The thing to remember is, that you are not responsible for your boyfriend. You are not obliged to stay in a bad situation because it will make his life easier. He's an adult, and if you leaving will cause him some crisis of being on his own, then I'm afraid that's proof that the relationship couldn't continue anyway, as it was unhealthy. He is not a sick child you adopted and are now responsible for. If he needs help he needs to get it, you 'keeping him afloat' rather than him seeking help isn't actually helping him, it's enabling him and his co-dependency.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Talk to him. Don't be mean, don't be accusatory, just talk, tell him how you feel. Ask him how he feels. As Vauxhallstra said, chances are high that you are both feeling the same way. Maybe agree with stop the benefits and just be roommates until you figure everything out.

 

[Just_another_one]

Are you talking about psychological or material support? You should go back to your family a friends at least for a while. You both will be much happier in a few months.

 

[JJW]

Most here have suggested that you take the leap and go your own way. I'll agree. I was leaving my wife of twelve years. She wouldn't share the relationship. Everything has to be her way. She begged me not to leave and triggered my innate guilt. Roomies with benefits, and then the baby came. You gotta watch those benefits.

The thing is, I never had the opportunity to leave without damaging both of our finances and well being. Now I feel I'm too old to start again with someone new. That was the thing back then. We both could have found better partners. I should never have given in. Now my whole life has passed me by and the opportunities to be happy are gone.

Don't wait. Your chances will never be better than they are right now.

It's not the wisest thing to make decisions by strangers' advice. This is just my regret. If you hope to be happy in life, you can't stay where you are not.