always being judged for past actions

[genlon]

(Sorry for my terrible grammar)

I am a senior in high school and I just cannot talk to people nowadays. It doesn't matter who I talk to, I always feel like they know every terrible thing about me. In my sophomore year I did some pretty messed up things, such as, sexual harassment, being fatphobic, racist comments, and some pretty other messed up things . I did these things because my friends told me to. I never cared for anyone else besides my friends; I just wanted my friends to laugh.

A girl pressed charges on me for sexual harassment (I forced her to look at photos of my naked body). My friends told me to show her the picture; I decided to go with my friends because at the time, I too thought it was hilarious. I got charged with sexual harassment, distribution of illicit pictures, and possession of child exploitation material (pictures of me, I am not a freak). The entire school was talking about the situation and about me. I lost everything- my job, my friends, the respect my parents had for me, etc.- It was the worst year of my life. I realized on how much of a terrible person I was. I wanted to say sorry to the people that I hurt but I became afraid that it was going to cause more drama and make my situation even worse so I refrained from doing so.

A year later, and I fear that everyone thinks about what I did when they gaze in my general direction. Whenever I talk to a new person, I always get nervous and don't know how to form a sentence without worrying about them judging me. I just really want people to talk to without having to worry about this, so I tried the internet; turns out that I have social anxiety and am afraid of initiating a conversation with others. What the hell do I do if I have no one to talk to in person or online?? I just want someone to listen and talk to me. I don't want to be alone.

 

[TheRealCallie]

It's easy to judge people for their past, but people can change. It sounds like you've changed. All you can do is keep working to become a better person. Making amends with the people you hurt can still be done, but it can also wait. There's no time limit on apologizing to people, so wait until you feel ready to do so. If you don't feel like you can do it face to face, write them a letter. You can always write the letter now and not give it to them. Think of it more like getting the words out, maybe it will help.
As for what to do...is there any way you could go to a different school where people don't know? If not, it's your senior year. You only have a few months left, then you're out of there and you can get a "new start" if you want one. Though, it sounds like you're beating yourself up about what happened. Yes, it was wrong, but it sounds like you know that now and you're sorry about it. Those friends of yours weren't your friends if they dumped you after they told you to do this.

 

[user 135067]

How can one grow without making mistakes.

 

[howdidifindmyselfhere?]

So it sound like you know that you made mistakes. We all do that from time to time and the important thing is that we learn from them (which it sounds like you have) so that we don't make the same mistakes over and over again.

Sadly, you can't make people forgive you, you can apologize for what you have done but at the end of the day the forgiveness you seek from them is theirs to give to you, not yours to take from them, that's just the way it is.

But to answer your question: "What the hell do I do if I have no one to talk to in person or online?? I just want someone to listen and talk to me. I don't want to be alone." I think you have started in the right place by coming here on this forum. There are people here willing to listen and to talk, and who knows, maybe after time you can transfer that to the people that you do have around you.

 

[Finished]

Wow! I would say the penalty was too harsh. Kids do dumb things all the time. I sure the hell did. You wackem upside the head, show them that what they did was wrong and why, make them appoligize, and then move on. Police shouldn't be involved with kids unless a violent act occured.

 

[Rohini]

Wow! I would say the penalty was too harsh. Kids do dumb things all the time. I sure the hell did. You wackem upside the head, show them that what they did was wrong and why, make them appoligize, and then move on. Police shouldn't be involved with kids unless a violent act occured.

Right? as you said, kids do dumb honeysuckle all-the-time. It isn't news.
Forcing someone to *look* at something these days involves charges? I don't believe I read that OP actually ever sexually assaulted anyone.... really weird.
I don't know what else to say other than we live in some really odd-ball times.

 

[ardour]

The consequences were ridiculous ("possession of child exploitation material" when the picture is of yourself?) I can think of a dozen things that happened at my school that were many times worse, resulting in zero repercussions for those involved.

Are these the same friends who encouraged you to do this? They may have been setting you up. Consider another school. You need to put this part of your life behind you with physical distance. It's hard to see any alternative at this point.

 

[constant stranger]

Forgive yourself, move on and try to be a good person who doesn't bring suffering to other people or yourself.
And it might be easier if you relocate after graduation because there are always some people who won't forget or forgive your past actions.

 

[9006]

It's tough to have a scar on your past and be judged by it. It's best to just accept the fact that it's out there and some people will judge you on it, and really there's no easy answers. The best you can do is stay on the straight and narrow, get on with your life, it's only time that would help you with this one.