Am I depressed?

[Nyktimos]

This may sound a stupid question, but I don't know whether I'm depressed in a clinical sense, or just unhappy.

OK, right now I feel most of the time that it would be so much easier to just be dead than to try to find something in life that makes me feel fulfilled especially since, at 35, I'm no closer to knowing what I need to feel life is worth it. I swing between getting on with things while I'm stuck here because I don't want to hurt anyone, and desperately wanting to die to stop the constant pain and emptiness. Sometimes on an hour by hour basis.

I could blame the miserable relationship I feel stuck in right now, but I know I felt the same way before that.

I could blame the fact that the love of my life has moved on, and the emptiness that she left hasn't even begun to heal in 8 years, but I felt the same before that.

I could blame the difficult relationship I had with her, and the fear that if I met someone who fills that void, we will be no better suited to one another. She once told me to get help, and when I said that a doctor couldn't 'change reality' she told me they can help you see things differently. She had already been through more crap than I could imagine by that point.

But then, I've had this feeling more or less all my life. When I was very young, without realising what it really meant, I told my mother that I didn't want to live. It seemed the most natural thing in the world then to just not want to live. She told me I was too young to say things like that, which I now think she meant because I wasn't yet an angst-ridden teenager, or even near to being one.

Perhaps I could blame my father leaving the family to be with his bit on the side, my first clear memory. I didn't make the connection until recently, but I've been obsessed since with how you know you can trust someone, and terrified of being hurt like that again, my whole life. He came back, but when parents cheat on their spouses, they cheat on their kids!

Or maybe my brain is just wired up wrong!

I don't know anymore, but I'm starting to realise that I can't find a solution on my own. But am I just a whiny twat who can't get over the slightest bloody misfortune and get on with his life? Or do I have a real problem? And is it likely to be something in the brain, or some pschological stuff?

Where do I go? Am I going to be on drugs the rest of my life?

To think I found this forum cuz I was feeling a bit down one day. It only occured to me to type this today.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I think it sounds as though you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. Since you stated that you have felt this way ever since you were a child.

From what I see that you've written, it does seem to describe that you probably have depression. Perhaps you should try some anti-depressants. Go to your family doctor and tell them how you feel and they'll prescribe some.

I hope you feel better soon.

-Soph

 

[Steel]

I think you need to see someone who can make a diagnosis. I would suspect you may well be suffering from clinical depression, and having someone who can run through your options with you would be in your best interests.

 

[Bluey]

Lots of things can happen that make us feel like we do feel down and stuck like this. Only last week I was asking myself smiler questions as yourself.

I really don't know if its to do with chemicals in your brain or you are just in need of some fun. I don't go to the doctor cos I don't wont to be put on medication that I well never be able to get of. If it was temporalry say cos I just split with a GF or something then I would. But my problems or moor long term then that. So if I get put on medication I would never see myself coming of them. So I try to struggle on with out that visit to the doctor. IDK whether am doing the right thing or not. I do sometimes get down to a point that I know is dangerous for me. And moor then that its just no fun feeling like that.

I think sometimes when ppl around you preserve you to be a certain way its not very easy to change even when you feel you have it in you to change. There is nothing moor stubborn then ppl. If ppl look at you has a happy person its then easier to act like a happy person I think and of course if there looking at you as a unhappy person that in turn can make you act like that. If the ppl around you are not giving you a chance to change then that can make the job in hand very hard indeed. Its difficult to let go of the past but still had learned from it. But it is possible. But it has to be you that dose that and in time sometimes a long time other ppl well see that they looked at you wrongly then well start treating you has a happy person witch well make it easier to be happy with in your self. You have to like yourself be for other ppl do. But of course its easier to like your self when other ppl do. Its kinder a catch-22.

The way I deal with all that is just to be content with in myself. I do have an ability to just blow out of the water what ppl thought of me. Not always but sometimes I can be the biggest joker in the room when in the mood so even if ppl thought as me as a loner and a depressant they soon think differently with in just a few hours of say going out for a drink. Of course I am a loner but I like not to advertise that. Even if am getting on with ppl I don't often find anyone I feel I can relate to.

I do think in time you could turn your life around. I think in tell you and the ppl around you are thinking as you has a happy person a phyciatrist might be very beneficial to you just to help you over that line. You well need to find other meaning in your life and a good phyciatrist might be able to help you find that with in your self.

 

[Nyktimos]

Thank you all for your good advice. I will try to see a doctor, I think. I'm tired of trudging on like this.