Am I married to a narcissist ?

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

RainyDayZ

New member
Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
1
Reaction score
1
I know this term is thrown around a lot these days but when I try to talk to my husband about anything that's bothering me he either diminishes it, acting as if the way I am feeling is not valid or changes the topic entirely. Everything gets brought back to him. If I'm upset about something, suddenly he's more upset. If I have a problem his problem is so much worse. If I share a story about myself or my past he immediately goes off on telling me about the various stories I've already heard a hundred times over about him. I have listened and engaged him in these stories for years yet when it comes time to talk about me or my life, the topic just winds up back to him, the center of the known universe. 
If I compliment something he comes back with "thank you" he's trying to make it seem like a joke, but I know better. It is ALWAYS like this.... as if he is just not getting enough compliments. This wouldn't be an issue for me as I have no problem giving people credit or giving compliments but he is incessant in his need for admiration and there is no room for anyone or anything else to receive it. Not to mention I am seriously growing frustrated with him which doesn't exactly give someone much drive to want to compliment, when I give compliments they are sincere not just to fan someone's withering ego. 
He will have the answer to absolutely anything regardless of whether he has any experience or knowledge, he is the defining expert on every possible thing no matter what the topic. If I challenge this with logic or even inquire further I am being negative. Any needs or preferences of mine mean nothing. I mean he can't even tell my why he "loves" me and loves throwing that word around but I know love doesn't feel this empty. I am a place holder so his parents can get off his back about the milestones they expect him to be achieving. He can't even acknowledge the mental issues I deal with daily, which are glaringly obvious and are worsened by the living situation and relationship with him, yet I'm supposed to read up on his many illnesses and devote my life to understanding him. Daily he complains about his various ailments yet refuses to do anything to address or deal with them, I suppose his "treatment plan" is just him whining indefinitely to me who has to endlessly offer support & understanding. Being with him has no doubt exasperated my own mental health issues, causing them to resurface from childhood like self harm and endless suicidal ideation. I have unfortunately had a few hospital trips and feel bad that the hospital staff had to stich me up, my husband only adds to this guilt and having no one to confide in leaves me feeling even worse.

When I first met him, the way he presented himself is literally the exact opposite of what he is in reality. I grew up in a tough situation and I am pretty sure this is the reason why I ended up in this relationship and why I allowed this obvious disconnect to continue for so long. Having zero support system certainly doesn't help and when you have little to no self value, someone wanting to spend all their time with you joined at the hip seems more flattering then what it should be perceived as... a warning sign.
He said he was independent and shared a similar issue with his family as I do.... NOPE, couldn't be more dependent on his family (which is fine had he just said this to begin with) He claimed he was positive yet I have never met a more negative person; if I compliment someone's art, it's nothing special to him, ever under any circumstance is it worth a compliment. If I compliment someone's house... his house is better and he'll point out all the flaws. Even his own best friend who sadly passed from suicide he can't muster a nice thing to say about him, ever. Even before he passed he was always bringing him down when I would compliment him about something. I am not flirty, I do not engage in flattering other people to get someone jealous so that can't be the reason. If this was his best friend, what was one thing he liked about him? 
Yet when it comes time to look at himself in an objective light, that will NEVER happen. EVERYTHING IS AN ATTACK. If he knocks something over with his own extremities, it will always be someone else's fault. This is reality living with this person and bringing any of this to light simply makes me the problem and trying to deal with any of this essentially just drives me insane; taking me further out of my comfort zone into a world of mania, loneliness, doubt and hopelessness. Everything is black and white with him with no room for compromise; If I bring something up he will simply counter with something else, instead of dealing with the issue I have presented and then moving on to his or vice versa. He simply uses this tactic of misdirection to continue this miserable existence that is solely benefiting him, effectively dealing with nothing. 

We are currently living underneath his parents, and when I say underneath I mean that; our whole lives revolve around these people who sit directly above us watching tv for 14 hrs a day. He has created this façade and refuses to let up on this so I am essentially living a lie perpetually around these people. There is no privacy anywhere in the entire house, they take up every ounce of space available and everything they do overlaps onto me and I have zero say in the matter. They text him multiple times a day, anything they need he drops everything to rush and do it for them, even if it's something they could easily do for themselves. At first I saw this as sweet, but now years in constantly being last on the list with no say at all, this too has kind of worn down on me.

We haven't been intimate since before the wedding which was about 6 years ago, and we only got married because his parents forced us into it. I had no say in any part of that wedding, for example I am claustrophobic and even though his mom is supposed to be a seamstress she refused to put a zipper in the head to toe dress she bought for me to wear for hrs at the reception. I was willing to buy my own but they adamantly refused. I had a panic attack every single time I had to try it on yet she refused to let me get the dress altered. The wedding itself also brought up a lot of issues for me personally and with my estranged family as at that time my Father had a bad heart attack and was recovering in the hospital. They essentially guilt tripped him and forced him to attend in a wheel chair and to be honest my Dad didn't even really want me to get married. So they constantly remind me that my Father didn't pay for this stupid wedding only they wanted and what's worse is they are now holding this over my head like a noose. 

I have been wanting to move out with my husband for years and get our own place but he refuses, he claims that his parents say if we do this he will be cut out of the will and they will just go back to India. But living underneath them is literally unbearable for me now. I have nowhere to change in privacy, no space of my own.. anywhere. Can't put my clothes away... I can't do any of the things that used to make me happy like digital editing and doing photoshoots because there is only enough space for me to sit in a chair and watch Youtube. They occupy every corner of that house and I feel like a 16 yr old guest sleeping over, yet they conveniently put the house in mine and my husbands name even though I have no say in anything (btw the house is not even paid off either) All my friends were a problem so now I have no one, and the only person I can talk to is never supportive and always seems to adopt the devils advocate approach. Even when I am really hurt by something he will always manage to say something that will enflame my mental situation and then I am the one to blame for responding genuinely. 

I am the only one working in the entire house, yet I am being scrutinized for not saving enough money. So his new plan is for me to save 100k so he can flip houses and continue to sit home playing video games and we will just live under his parents indefinitely. When I first met him he wasn't working either, he said it was because he was on house arrest for some dumb traffic offense but he would end up driving limo with his dad. Thing is nothing turned out as he said, he works a few hrs a month while I work 10 hr days to come back to a place were I can't even be comfortable. When he does end up working it always get's in the way of any plans we have so we never do anything, ever. No honeymoon, his parents went on vacation instead... and let's not talk about a vacay as I have never been on one in my life. When I mention that this is wearing down on me, he twists the narrative bringing up anything he can to avoid addressing anything I have been saying. And what I am asking for isn't even a lot, I know this. Wanting to have a life of your own when your a married women almost 40 yrs old is not too much to ask. 

I am tired of groveling to his parents every time I have to pass them to use the bathroom, they have essentially crushed the life out of me for years now. Even after discussing with them my issues their advice was to come upstairs and spend more time with them as if I want that at all! I feel like they think they own me know, and that I essentially married them and now I am tasked with caring for these people who have done nothing but strip away my joy, comforts and freedom all while expecting me to be grateful for this. I don't even go to the bathroom to avoid seeing them, I rarely take showers to cut any cost that my presence may be incurring, everything about existing there is awkward and miserable for me.  I am literally stuck now because this relationship has essentially cut me off from any connections I did have and that wasn't much so now I am forced to live this miserable life with this person who lied to me to get me stuck in this awful situation. Then when I try to voice my side I am aggressive and unrealistic. I honestly feel like a shell of the person I was, I have nothing in my life that offers me joy outside of my sweet little rabbits, which is another reason why I stay in this miserable situation to ensure they at least have a decent life.

And you want to hear something extra hilarious, these idiots want me to have a kid with their bum son who barely works and has zero interest in sexual activity, so they can have another little puppet to consume, in a house were I can't even go to the bathroom in privacy.
 
^ That sounds horrible! But, I have an even more horrible and more important story. Ha! Ha! Just kidding. It sounds like it's time to plan an escape. Take your time and plan it well. Then everything will finally be just about you.
 
I don't know how you are handling it. I would either be in prison or a mental institution by now.
 
This guy you are talking about sounds more like my father .
I have been thinking about my fathers behavior for a while

I think he has one of these .

Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as Asperger's, is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction and nonverbal communication, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests.[6] It is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD),[11] but differs from other ASDs by relatively unimpaired language and intelligence.[12] Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and unusual use of language are common.[13][14] Signs usually begin before two years of age and in many cases never resolve ...

I am not sure , i am not a professional but could it be one of those ?


I think some people have not figured out ways to think positive .
My father is an always pissed of dude .
I don't know why he is like that .

I get pissed off too , but that's only for a short amount of time , then i tell myself to think positive and that negativity goes away .

Its a skill , thinking positive in negative times .

That is something many people who are close in my family don't have .
 
After spending 2 years off and on with a Narcissist, there are some traits in the family also, but it sounds more to me like a very abusive , controlling relationship with your husband and his family. having experienced this my only advise is to get out, and then have no contact....RUN......and leave them all behind.....save yourself, and make things right inside you..love you, set up boundaries and don't let people ever do this to you again..
 
^ That sounds horrible! But, I have an even more horrible and more important story. Ha! Ha! Just kidding. It sounds like it's time to plan an escape. Take your time and plan it well. Then everything will finally be just about you.
Yes you are.
 
This must be really tough for you and much of it is about their cultural expectations I believe, but because you are out working in the world and see a different way of life it's obviously going to be much harder for you to accept their warped views.
You do know that they are never going to change don't you and the only way to improve your own life is to find somewhere else to live.
Is it possible for you to find somewhere to go completely away from them?
 
Man! While reading your story I couldn't help but think, "how the f you ended up there?", being honest, one can tend to take a judgemental position. But then I realized that I've also allowed people to mistreat me out of lack of self love an self respect and then, when time passes by, I ask myself the same questions, "how the f I let that happen?"... I'm really sorry for even having that little judgemental thought, and mainly I'm sorry for what you're going through. I sounds like a extremely hard situation. For gods sake, do not have a child with that man and leave that house as soon as possible. It means a lot that you're here sharing your story with us, that's very brave of you. A huge first step. Now that you can see all the red flags is time to claim your space, life and freedom. In my case I've also struggled with "space" issues in my life. Claiming it (your physical and abstract space) is very empowering, you can begin small, every little change will give you more and more power, and then you'll be looking back to the old you and, even if there's going to be a pain that possibly never goes completely away, I'm sure you'll be able to forgive yourself and be thankful for all the good and bad experiences of your life. Please let us know how things go and if you need any help. You should also consider (now that I think of help) looking for a women refuge, so you can make an easier transition to freedom. My best wishes for you!!!!
 
My dear RainyDayz, I don’t think that there are anyone that feels your pain more than I. The only difference is yours was your husband and mine is my wife, but I think the pain is just the same. I am in the process of leaving her as well as seeking counseling to help heal the wounds in my heart and soul she caused. I do wish you the very best that life can offer you. Take care of yourself, David
 
I just saw this now. I hope things are better for you these days.
I relate so much to the post I checked several times to make sure it wasn't an old one of mine! I even lived with my in-laws for two years (I was told it would be three months maximum) and I know how awful that is.
Honestly, my husband is so similar but I don't want to make the thread about me. I really just hope things are better for you now.
If you're working and can save then get the heck out because these people don't change and you don't want to lose yourself or let them break you.
I wish you strength, courage and wisdom!
 
Last edited:
It's sounds like a strange and strained situation but I don't know that your husband is necessarily narcissistic, because to a certain extent this is very one sided and down to your interpretation of a person whom you seem to hate.
I don't want it to seem as if I'm attacking you, but your comment could also be seen as narcissistic as if you're a vulnerable narcissist too. It's a problem I've faced myself when dealing with my mother who is a narcissistic abuser (sorry to use examples from my life to empathise with you, you mentioned that you don't like that kind of thing) but what she does is go and tell people her side of the story first because people have a bias towards towards the first story they hear. She will then avoid discussing the issues with me and a third party so that she doesn't have to acknowledge my perspective or answer for her actions. I'm sure she genuinely believes that she's being victimised because she's not being loved and appreciated the way she wanted. It's very much like what you wrote.
You said that you're tired of your husband's stories, that nothing that he can say is right for you, you dislike his family dynamic, having to be polite to elders, don't see his parents as your parents and blame your husband entirely for your economic situation.
I think you should get a divorce so you can live your life the way you want.
 
set up boundaries and don't let people ever do this to you again..
Or just be a better judge of character, and let the initial part of the relationship drag out a bit longer. Also, never marry anyone before you live with em. If you can't live with em, ya shouldn't be married.

But boundaries can be bad as well, as they can also keep good people out.
 
It's sounds like a strange and strained situation but I don't know that your husband is necessarily narcissistic, because to a certain extent this is very one sided and down to your interpretation of a person whom you seem to hate.
I don't want it to seem as if I'm attacking you, but your comment could also be seen as narcissistic as if you're a vulnerable narcissist too. It's a problem I've faced myself when dealing with my mother who is a narcissistic abuser (sorry to use examples from my life to empathise with you, you mentioned that you don't like that kind of thing) but what she does is go and tell people her side of the story first because people have a bias towards towards the first story they hear. She will then avoid discussing the issues with me and a third party so that she doesn't have to acknowledge my perspective or answer for her actions. I'm sure she genuinely believes that she's being victimised because she's not being loved and appreciated the way she wanted. It's very much like what you wrote.
You said that you're tired of your husband's stories, that nothing that he can say is right for you, you dislike his family dynamic, having to be polite to elders, don't see his parents as your parents and blame your husband entirely for your economic situation.
I think you should get a divorce so you can live your life the way you want.
Man.. sounds like you fully went into your own head upon reading this.. 'having to be polite to your elders'..? Did you even read the part where all she can do is sit in a chair? It's clear from her story, that there is some much deeper issues going on here..

For starters his parents being brutally controlling, makes for a good case for him being a grown manchild that doesn't get that the world isn't all about him.

It's not that he wants to live there to take care of his elderly parents; it's that his elderly parents are blackmailing him into staying. And that's further made worse by the fact that they obviously never taught him how to live on his own. So even if he wanted to, he wouldn't know where to start.

Since his parents lives revolved around him, and it seems they gave him a toxic level of gratification for any small accomplishment, he basically thinks of himself as a god that could do no wrong.

I think narcisism actually hits the nail on the head pretty well.

If he was an American, I'd say to just leave him, as he'd likely be too lazy/dense to do anything about it, but with his parents being from India, id say be a bit more careful.. I've heard of some cases there in which the husband actually killed the wife; though I think that was for adultery or somesuch.. either way, their culture isn't exactly known for being kind to women.

But don't let that stop you, phone the police if you must. There's no point in living a life in which you are not happy.
 
Save up money and plan your escape carefully. Maybe look into a cheap place you can move into. Maybe a shared house. It's not much but at least you'll have your own space.
 
"Narcissistic Love"

They tend to be hyper sexual, always looking someone new to seduce/
So they will abuse you, run to another, and try hide the awful truth
Even with Internet and phone evidence, they'll just get angry and lie/
And if confronted it'll all be your fault, for the problems in their mind
They'll cry and declare their love, when there is no love, only contempt/
Then look into your eyes and tell you lies, on how their night was spent
They'll give non-friends their respect, and show you the ultimate disdain
Humiliation, betrayal and stress, is just part of this traumatic game
You become another cog on the wheel, then they move on very quickly/
After they have stripped you of all pride, your honour and self dignity
They will leave you feeling worthless, and place the blame at your door/
Then deceive you and make you believe, you didn't see, what you saw/
Underneath the seduction and charm, lie skilled masters of deception/
Who possess counterfeit hearts, and crave only promiscuous attention
The roller coaster cruelty suffered, is genetically passed on to their kids/
Living life like bottomless pits of emptiness, such a nasty, twisted illness.

Copyright 2014 The Elusive Mr Dunne (All rights reserved)
 
Things have really being hard for me since I separated with my boyfriend. He has really being a nice guy and treated me well but things started getting worse since I realised he has an affair with another lady. I couldn't believe my eye when I went through his WhatsApp messages and this really hurt. Few weeks later, he started avoiding me and I tried my best to figure things out so we can be happy again but to no avail. I met this herbalist called Dr. Okojie, who helped me to break the barrier in my relationship with the help of his spell. When I met Dr. Okojie, I explained my problems to him and he gave me assurance that things will be better as far as I have faith in his work. At first, I had doubt but I have to give a try because I really love Steve and doesn't want to lose him to another woman. Dr. Okojie did special prayers for me and used his spell to bring back our lost love. In few weeks time, I started seeing changes and my boyfriend called me exactly when Dr. Okojie said and for the past six months now, me and Steve have being living happily and we are about having our first child together. Email Dr. Okojie today and I assure you that he will help you if only you have faith in his work. Email him: [email protected]
 
I'm so sorry to hear this,your husband sounds like my mom's spouse,every time my mom goes and talks about her day or if she is having a bad day,he will go and tell her,your having a bad day,you don't know what having a bad day is like,then he will go and complain to her about his day.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top