Am I self-improving or self-sabotaging? (990-word post)

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AnonymousMe

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Hey everyone, my thoughts of how I see myself are a bit of a mess right now and I want to share with you all a brief summary of who and how I am and what I plan to become so you all tell me if I’m self-improving or self-sabotaging. I don’t get offended easily, so don’t be afraid of being brutally honest with me, as long as it’s constructive criticism of course. So, here’s what happened.

I’m a 33-year-old dude, 5’ 11’’, nearly 210 pounds with 26% body fat and diagnosed with level 1 autism. I spend almost all of my days inside my parent’s house, doing indoor activities like doing all sorts of stuff on my laptop, watching old cartoons (mainly pre-2015), playing single-player video games, listening to all types of metal music and weightlifting, although this is currently paused because I’m trying to get a treadmill; I can only go down to 170 lbs. through weightlifting alone. I don’t like watching or doing anything that’s mainstream, so I don’t have social media, no streaming services and I don’t give a crap about celebrities and politics. I don’t have any offline friends, but I’m fine with that because I’m awful at socializing (I’m always serious and rarely smile, so I tend to be avoided). I’m afraid in participating physical activities too out of fear of embarrassment. I also tend to avoid family gatherings and not much of a party guy either, especially because I cannot drink or smoke (kidney transplant).

I can’t stand being a single virgin and I am trying to self-improve to hopefully catch someone’s attention, like doing exercise and everything I’ll mention after this paragraph. I tried a dating app for chubby people, but was mostly ignored by the ladies. Although I didn’t like the idea at all, I also tried another dating app for chubby gay guys, despite the fact that I don’t like guys much. I figured that I might as well start with someone that’s the same as me. There is an older guy that lives near me that’s willing to give me a chance and although I don’t find him attractive at all (he’s way fatter than me), I figured that my dating life has to start somewhere. If he’s what I can get, then I guess I can take it.

I wasted my 20s doing absolutely nothing, but re-entered university in late-2018 and recently finished all of my classes. I haven’t graduated and obtained my bachelor’s degree in graphic design though. For that, I need to pass a final exam that’s called the “General Exam for Graduation of the Degree,” which I don’t think I’m going to pass. If I fail, I’ll have to wait until May 2024 to sign up for a specialist course that’ll take 12 months to complete. So, if I get lucky, I’ll get my degree in 2025, which sucks because my parents had to pay more than what they needed for me to still probably get that goddamn piece of paper. However, I don’t want to work on what I studied. I can draw better than most people, but when compared to what even my former classmates did, my stuff is just sad. Undoubtedly not professional-level and I fear of embarrassing anyone that hires me. So, whether I fail the test or not, it doesn’t matter. Pretty much, the only reason I want the degree is to increase my chances of landing in any job with lots of free time and to decrease my chances of getting fired.

Yeah, I’m someone that values free time more than money. I’d be OK working on a half-time job that’s enough to pay the bills for a single guy living in a tiny, tiny apartment. I am not someone with many needs. I’m a picky eater, so I tend to eat mostly the same stuff every day. I also try to save money and resources like water, gas, etc. I do use a lot of electricity though. Speaking of gas, I have a Smart Fortwo 2008, but don’t drive it because I don’t have a driver’s license. I think I am getting close to getting it though. I say “I think” because I need some help from my dad and I’m just waiting for him.

I have dreams and goals. There’s some that I’m pursuing more than others, but overall, they are nothing spectacular. They’re just everyday things that normal people obtain casually and that take for granted. The biggest one I have is to get a girlfriend, at least one before I die. I’m polyamorous too, but that’s one that I have very little hope for, especially when it’s hard for me to even befriend acquaintances. Just so you all know, I always jokingly say that I have more chances at seeing a ghost on Friday the 13th under a blue moon while all the planets are aligned, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t try. :p Anyway, another one I have is to become more independent. Even if I end up doing the bare minimum where I can pay for my needs in exchange for my wants, I’d be OK with it. I don’t think I’m good enough to reach a middle-class citizen anyway, if I did, that would blow my mind. My more extraordinary dreams are not worth mentioning, but some of them include being more in shape, writing a novel, have a video game collection and buy a TPE sex doll, in case I never find someone.

That’s all I can think of for the moment. So how would you all describe me? Am I being real or delusional? Am I aware of my limits or am I devaluating myself? Am I being (sufficiently) ambitious or lazy? Am I smart or dumb? Am I settling for less/mediocrity or am I a minimalist? Is all of this making me attractive or ugly? Likable or unlikable? Just tell me. Feel free to ask questions though.
 
I also don't really see any self-sabotage. You say you're polyamorous, but are you gay or bi? I ask because you said you don't like guys much, so I'm wondering why you're bothering trying to date one, because that might be misleading to the other party. You seem to set goals, but then put limits on yourself, but then also sound like you're hoping things might work out for some of your dreams, to which I say, you gotta put in the effort and don't cut yourself short - just try your best. I'm not sure what you'd feel embarrassed about if participating in physical activities, because if you actually DID see some social media, you'd realise that many people who need to lose weight and get into shape are out there doing it and being highly praised and encouraged by many who see them trying. You have to do things for your own reasons, so to hell with anyone putting you down. Just keep trying, do your best and you will achieve amazing things when you really want to succeed. You sound like you're motivated at least, which is great. Become independent. Don't even think of autism as an excuse. My eldest with autism is achieving amazing things with her studies and employment, so I know it's not a barrier to progressing in life. As for your following questions:

"Am I being real or delusional?" - You're over thinking it. Just do. Just do your best and see where it goes.
"Am I aware of my limits or am I devaluating myself?"
- You don't know your limits until you push yourself far enough.
"Am I being (sufficiently) ambitious or lazy?
- I think you're not giving yourself a chance to see your potential.
"Am I smart or dumb?"
- You'll know better when you attempt all of your challenges.
"Am I settling for less/mediocrity or am I a minimalist?"
- You might have a fear of success, but I say just go for it.
"Is all of this making me attractive or ugly?"
- I personally don't gravitate to people who spend a lot of time gaming and mulling around the house and sounding sorry for themselves, but you seem to be doing some positive things, so expand on those and see where it takes you. Becoming a better you can only be a positive thing and in turn make you a more attractive person to others.
"Likable or unlikable?"
- Anyone can be likable. Treat people kindly. Be the best you as you can be.
 
Am I being real or delusional?

Both. All humans are of both. It's a bit philosophical and a bit psychological as to why that is. The reason why is actually because of how our fears and ambitions work in our minds. First and foremost, we are inherently and instinctually afraid of things that we do not know or do not understand. The learning curve can be frustrating, troubleshooting can be a time of personal challenge and a test of patience. Because we fear the things that we fear in life, therefore those fears give rise to our ambitions and desires. Were you to be standing on a beach, watching an approaching tsunami wave, eventually the fear of its approach would give rise to your ambition to run from it if you want to survive.

Either that, or you've gotta be a crazy S.O.B. and grab a surf board, scale the nearest tallest building, and try to Hang 10. 😂 Purely a joke. That never works. My point is, if all you ever do is run, you never learn why you are running in the first place, or what you are really running from.

In a literal sense of it, yes, the tsunami can kill you, and yes, you should run from it.
In a metaphorical sense of it, what if it's just a hologram with some clever weather machine tricks?

If it isn't a literal and direct threat to you physically, sometimes (a lot of the time, actually) it's in your head. And the only way to truly find that out, is to let the hologram hit you.

Am I aware of my limits or am I devaluating myself?

Both. You're aware of your situation and surroundings. But also you are underestimating your potential. I do believe that you can indeed do this. It just takes some adamant hardassery on yourself. Personally, I yell at myself in my own head in the style of Frau from the Austin Powers franchise, because that's kind of the only way that I'll actually follow through, as funny as it sounds. 😂

Am I being (sufficiently) ambitious or lazy?

It's a combination of the two. You have ambitious goals, although not overly-ambitious goals which is good. What you want you can actually achieve, just perhaps not through the ways that you would like to achieve them. And what I mean is, there is no "easy way to success." There's a bullshit way to success, which involves being a lying sack of crap and swindling a lot, but in modernity we just call that Marketing and Sales. And trust me, there's a reason why that crap just continuously cannibalizes itself, namely because: If it was actually properly structured for the longevity of stability, it wouldn't falter to such competitive cannibalization. No my guy, I'm afraid we are all going to have to fight for it. I was big Spawn fan as a kid, Tony Twist, a mob godfather in it once said: "If you want justice done right, you've gotta do it yourself." And as much as I hate that scumbag character, he's great comic relief and, he is kinda right about that. If you want results, you've gotta be willing to kick your own ass to get the results that you want. Kicking everyone else's ass to get the results that you want, is just trying to fight an infinite spawn pool of waves of enemies to put it into video game terms. Rock and a hard place, I know, I know.

Am I smart or dumb?

You're definitely not dumb. You're just not experienced in the areas that you're trying to become experienced in. That's totally normal. That's part of the difficulty and challenge of the learning curve and troubleshooting experience. Do you remember back when the Xbox 360 had the infamous Red Ring of Death problem? And how old iPhones would crap out JUST outside of their warranty coverage? Much of life, is this kind of annoying and frustrating types of problems. Spend enough time in the tech world and eventually you learn that Source Material is actually quite valuable, and things like the Right To Repair are actually kind of fundamentally important. Materialistic things break. That is just what they do. And the cost for getting someone else to fix them for you, just continues to get higher and higher, as frustrating as that is. The Source Material, is the DIY stuff, so that you don't have to over pay for someone to do it for you. Much of life is just like this. That's why things like Open Office and Google Docs exist, because nobody wants to pay Microsoft's prices for Office for hundreds of dollars when back in the day in the middle and late 90s Office was free and just came with Windows. The trick to becoming okay with dealing with things like this that are a huge pain in the arse, is to take the Gamers Nexus approach to Teardowns. If you wanna know how something works or how to do or achieve something, you've gotta pool enough information together about how to pull it apart and how it's supposed to work, just to be able to put it back together again. Whole Scientific Method and R&D included.

Am I settling for less/mediocrity or am I a minimalist?

Proper, actual wealth, is nothing more than the multiplicity of necessity folded over itself. Minimalists have money, because they don't spend it. They do the exact opposite of what investors do. Investors operate on the assumption of their own success, minimalists operate on the assumption of their own potential failures. So investors, blow the bank account out rationalizing risk assessment protocol that it'll come back in at least a balance with a variable factor of a profit thereafter. Minimalists ask: "What is the cost, how much do I make, and how can I save money against the cost?" And the answer to that question, is Open Source Material in conjunction with tighter, more efficient risk assessment with smaller, more assured personal investments.

Is all of this making me attractive or ugly? Likable or unlikable? Just tell me. Feel free to ask questions though.

You're perfectly likeable.
You've just gotta get experience in the things you're inexperienced in, get your forearms dirty in the mechanics of what you're trying to do with your life. I'm giving you information based on what I know and have found from my own experiences to try to help nerf the frustrations of trying to figure out many of the exact same problems really not that long ago myself as you and I are pretty much basically around the same age. I learned a lot of the stuff that I learned because I had very minimal help and got thrown to the wolves a lot. So the little help that I had, I had to figure out how to make work for me repeatedly as more often times than not I just didn't have the help that I needed. So my responses are very much empathetic and based in the memory of "I remember trying to figure a lot of this stuff out for myself and not having much help. Man, that sucked. I would like to contribute to that NOT happening to anyone else as my contribution to the world."

As far as body and exercise goes for getting into shape:
Mind-Body Connectivity is very much a thing.
Life is Mind, Body is just the Vessel.
HOWEVER, If either one or the other are off in terms of health, the one that isn't off is going to be affected by the one that IS off.
If I push myself too hard physically I become incredibly emotionally irrational and it fucks me up mentally.
If I push myself too hard mentally I become incredibly emotionally irrational and it fucks me up physically.
This is standardized flight control. lol. That's normal. It's just how it is.
I would advise that above all else, that learning to balance the Mind-Body Connection is imperative and vital to everything that you want to do.
Forget trying to be more attractive, that's not the point. It's a benefit of the point, but not the point itself.
The point is that your mental and physical health are both connected to each other, and learning how to balance and rebalance them is very much a helpful key that will GREATLY help smooth everything else over.
 
I'm not sure I see any self-sabotage. What specifically do you think is self-sabotaging?

I hope you pass that final exam.
I just want to know if what I'm doing is enough to achieve a dream/goal or two. I can't tell if my thought process is actual self-improvement that'll increase my chances or self-sabotage that'll prevent me in obtaining them. I can't help it though. Everyone I used to know as a kid has accomplished deeds everyone usually obtains in their 20s and here I am without even a quarter of what they have. Makes me feel incompetent, but understanding that I’ll be behind everyone else. Hence all the questions in the last paragraph.

I also don't really see any self-sabotage. You say you're polyamorous, but are you gay or bi? I ask because you said you don't like guys much, so I'm wondering why you're bothering trying to date one, because that might be misleading to the other party. You seem to set goals, but then put limits on yourself, but then also sound like you're hoping things might work out for some of your dreams, to which I say, you gotta put in the effort and don't cut yourself short - just try your best. I'm not sure what you'd feel embarrassed about if participating in physical activities, because if you actually DID see some social media, you'd realise that many people who need to lose weight and get into shape are out there doing it and being highly praised and encouraged by many who see them trying. You have to do things for your own reasons, so to hell with anyone putting you down. Just keep trying, do your best and you will achieve amazing things when you really want to succeed. You sound like you're motivated at least, which is great. Become independent. Don't even think of autism as an excuse. My eldest with autism is achieving amazing things with her studies and employment, so I know it's not a barrier to progressing in life. As for your following questions:

"Am I being real or delusional?" - You're over thinking it. Just do. Just do your best and see where it goes.
"Am I aware of my limits or am I devaluating myself?" - You don't know your limits until you push yourself far enough.
"Am I being (sufficiently) ambitious or lazy? - I think you're not giving yourself a chance to see your potential.
"Am I smart or dumb?"
- You'll know better when you attempt all of your challenges.
"Am I settling for less/mediocrity or am I a minimalist?"
- You might have a fear of success, but I say just go for it.
"Is all of this making me attractive or ugly?" - I personally don't gravitate to people who spend a lot of time gaming and mulling around the house and sounding sorry for themselves, but you seem to be doing some positive things, so expand on those and see where it takes you. Becoming a better you can only be a positive thing and in turn make you a more attractive person to others.
"Likable or unlikable?" - Anyone can be likable. Treat people kindly. Be the best you as you can be.
I'm Heteroflexible. There's certain types of guys I like and the dude I mentioned is not one of them. I guess it's desperation because I've thought that if anyone says they like me, I'll give them a shot regardless of how they are.
By the way, your response is very difficult to reply to, so I'll just thank you for your time. I'm really trying to get better, but like I asked @TropicalStarfish, is it enough to achieve a dream/goal or two? I guess that's what I should have asked instead of all of those ones, sorry.

Geez, I guess I really am threading on a thin line between self-improvement and self-sabotage. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what this whole progress takes me too. Thanks for the incredibly amazing response though. I hope it also helps other members of this forum.
By the way, I feel kinda bad for typing a very short response when compared to yours, so please forgive me for that; I just don't know what to say. The same goes for you @okidoke
 
I'm Heteroflexible. There's certain types of guys I like and the dude I mentioned is not one of them. I guess it's desperation because I've thought that if anyone says they like me, I'll give them a shot regardless of how they are.
By the way, your response is very difficult to reply to, so I'll just thank you for your time. I'm really trying to get better, but like I asked @TropicalStarfish, is it enough to achieve a dream/goal or two? I guess that's what I should have asked instead of all of those ones, sorry.

Hey, I see you've returned, hope all's been well 👋

I just wanted to point out that, it sounds as if you're not attracted to this guy. And also that you're not entirely sure about being attracted to guys in general.

I just wanted to caution AGAINST sleeping with this guy, out of thinking that he is all you can get - or sleeping with any guy for that matter. Sleeping with guys, especially guys who also sleep with guys, is inherently riskier, so if you are not sure if you are straight or not, I would figure that out first before taking a bigger risk, for something that you're not even sure you're into.

Just my $0.02, sorry if it offends anyone, that was not my intention.
 
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is it enough to achieve a dream/goal or two? I guess that's what I should have asked instead of all of those ones, sorry.
I have no expectations for a response. Answer as you please. No need to apologise.

To answer your question, enough for who? That is for you to decide. You are the one who has to be content with your life.
 
Hey, I see you've returned, hope all's been well 👋

I just wanted to point out that, it sounds as if you're not attracted to this guy. And also that you're not entirely sure about being attracted to guys in general.

I just wanted to caution AGAINST sleeping with this guy, out of thinking that he is all you can get - or sleeping with any guy for that matter. Sleeping with guys, especially guys who also sleep with guys, is inherently riskier, so if you are not sure if you are straight or not, I would figure that out first before taking a bigger risk, for something that you're not even sure you're into.

Just by $0.02, sorry if it offends anyone, that was not my intention.
I'm actually not back. It's just that this question perplexed me so much that I asked it everywhere I have an account on, like reddit, the autism forum, etc. I also don't use them anymore, so after I'm done, they'll be back to being dormant again.
Yeah, I know about the risks, I am being careful though. I don't know how common it is for gays to sleep on their first date, but if that happens, I'll personally take it as a red flag. Come to think of it, I don't know if this attitude would be a red flag with girls too. :/

I have no expectations for a response. Answer as you please. No need to apologise.

To answer your question, enough for who? That is for you to decide. You are the one who has to be content with your life.
It's kinda hard for me to be content being single though. I've always thought that maybe that's why I'm obsessing over being able to stand by myself, kinda like self-approving that having someone by my side makes me worthy of being... well, somebody. Makes me wonder how people that are comfortable with themselves live.
 
Yeah, I know about the risks, I am being careful though. I don't know how common it is for gays to sleep on their first date, but if that happens, I'll personally take it as a red flag. Come to think of it, I don't know if this attitude would be a red flag with girls too. :/

It's just how men sleeping with men works - it is a riskier act in and of itself, with people who take more of these risky acts than the average person. The sleeping around, multiplies the risk.

I have to strongly advise against it, especially if you're not sure about this guy, or men in general.

Plus, like you said, you're not attracted to this guy anyway. So from that alone, I don't think it's the right choice.
 
It's kinda hard for me to be content being single though. I've always thought that maybe that's why I'm obsessing over being able to stand by myself, kinda like self-approving that having someone by my side makes me worthy of being... well, somebody.
Being content with yourself is the path to being content with someone else. Relationships aren't 50/50, they're 100/100, meaning you have to have your sh*t together as an independent individual before you should really get together with someone else if you really want to give a relationship the best shot. That's almost impossible for most people in reality, but the goal is there.

Makes me wonder how people that are comfortable with themselves live.
The answer is in the statement. They are comfortable with themselves. They don't need another person to be happy or to feel complete or to feel validated etc etc. The other person is just an extra in their life that they can share some of their experiences with. When I go camping for example and really love the nature around me, I feel like the moment needs to be shared and enjoyed by someone else, so they can experience the same wonderful feeling as I do, and so having company makes it nicer somehow, and I guess, if that other person is your partner, who can throw a loving arm around you, well, then the feeling is even more powerful.

I wish I knew this all when I was younger. I would've got myself sorted out better, but that is life and we all learn at a different pace.
 
Geez, I guess I really am threading on a thin line between self-improvement and self-sabotage. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what this whole progress takes me too. Thanks for the incredibly amazing response though. I hope it also helps other members of this forum.
By the way, I feel kinda bad for typing a very short response when compared to yours, so please forgive me for that; I just don't know what to say.

Most people are, actually.
That's the damnest thing about life:
All humans are their own worst critics and, in truth, some people are just much better at hiding it than others, that's all.
And it's fine. It's a running joke on the forum that I'm rather long-winded.

😂(y)
 
I don't think you should start dating some one, male or female, that you aren't really interested in, just because, "that's what you can get." There is another person involved in the situation; you must consider how they feel. You said you aren't really into guys, in the first place. Now if you were comfortably bi-sexual, and were making practical compromises on your desires in a partner, that would be one thing. That doesn't seem to be the case here. It seems your endeavor here is motivated by desperation without much thought of consequence for the other person (This other person being some one who may have a very attraction to you on various different levels (physically, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, etc..), that may develop into an attachment.) That attachment may prove to work against your higher goals, and may create difficulty for the other person. Of course, life is messy, and imperfect; but, again: A: you aren't really into men, and B: you are, 'taking what you can get.' So, those don't sound like the best conditions to start a relationship with. These are just my opinions.

I would say, focus on getting that college degree. You've put a lot of time/money/and effort into it, thus far; it would be unfortunate to give up on that.
Physical health goals are often a very good thing to have, and maintain, especially as we age.
I believe you stated your a bit put off by social situations; however, it's important to maintain social skills and social connections. We all need counsel, companionship, friendship, and a helping hand now and then.

I'm probably not the best person to ask for advice on many of these issues; but, I can tell you from experience, that, the muscles we don't use, and the neural pathways we don't exercise, will atrophy. And social graces are important to have, and quite a boon at times, and down right enjoyable to employ, when they are in good working order.

Physical fitness is usually a point of pride as well, along with intellectual fitness.

And the ability to earn money and make one's own way through life, to be able to take care of one's self, sets the foundation for being able to take care of some one else.

And then to have passions and interests, and things in life that really make life worth living, is important as well. So, don't take everything on all at once, and burn yourself out. We can't all be astronauts and rockstars, and CEOs. However, we can work to create, little by little, a life we feel is worthwhile and meaningful.

*shrug*

Another member here was going through the letters from Seneca awhile back.

I've enjoyed philosophy over the years; and it seems to suit well a more solitary existence. Though, it's also good to get out of our comfort zone (which I abhor). I suggested to a coworker once, that he take some acting classes, to meet women and socialize more. I suspected he was slightly autistic. He probably didn't take me up on the suggestion. And if some one advised me to do the same, I'd probably not take them up on the suggestion either.
Anywho. Good luck.
 
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