Any college transfers out there with advice?

[notSOsure]

Hey.
I'm new here. Brought by the huge amount of loneliness of my freshman year in college. So here's my situation: I didn't think it would be so hard to be away from my friends and family (especially my family) but it was very hard first semester. I thought second semester would start out better. I actually only started 2nd semester today but since I got back yesterday I've been holding back tears. I've just been filled with this large amount of sadness. And I've never felt like this before.

I haven't been able to make any friends since I came here. I came here knowing 3 people (1 from high school, 1 form church AND high school and 1 from church) One of them I hung out with alot in high school but we never had as much in common as me and my other friends. I'm always making the effort to hang out with them and I'm tired of trying so hard. I will admit - I haven't been good about getting involved. I plan on trying a bit more this semester.

The academics here are great and I like the campus. The people for the most part seem alright. But it wasn't my first choice. I always wanted to go to a city school - I was very oppossed to the college-centric town type campus. My first choice was a city school but it was very expensive. The school I'm at now gave me a large sum of money. And so here I am. I went to visit my very good friend who is studying at my first choice school and I wanted to go there so badly.

I plan on giving myself the rest of the semester and first semester of sophomore year to see if I can make friends and whether or not that'll change how I feel. I don't wanna leave b/c I wanna feel happy here and I don't wanna feel like I made a mistake. I also would feel very guilty about the amount of money it could cause my parents. We're not exactly rolling in the dough. But I feel so unhappy here 90% of the time. And its an unhappiness and helplessness I've never felt before. I know college isn't about making friends. But I don't think it's about being super depressed either.

So I was just wondering if there were any college students out there going thru something similar. Or if there were any transfer students that acutally transferred for similar reasons or just had advice. It's all very welcome at this time.

Thanks so much for reading this LONG post. :shy:

 

[Matt]

Well, I'm not exactly in the same position as you, but I, too, am a freshman in college who isn't all that thrilled about where he's going. But I'm going to a junior college first, and then transferring to a university (for financial reasons), so...yeah. I just hope I enjoy university more once I transfer from this JC.

 

[Janus]

Hey there, and welcome. It seems many of us found this place under circumstances not too far removed from the ones that brought you here. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Anyways, I am a JUNIOR transfer student ... but the changes are basically the same, so I hope you hear me out.

So let me start off by saying I think what you are feeling and experiencing is normal.

I went two years at a community college and graduated and transferred to a four year, but the changes are the same. The community college transition was not difficult, as I was still in the same town and attending class with many of the same people I had gone to school with or knew through the grapevine and so on.

The inevitable changing of life occurs at this time. Friends split up and move away, people change. High school is fun (for some) but it goes by in a flash, and then you all move on. I can empathize with your feelings of frustration regarding the three people you know and how you are making all the effort. It sucks, but its inevitable. People grow and change, including you. I made mistakes of holding onto people I was friends with in earlier years, enjoying memories (which I still do) but not realizing that the people in those memories didn't exist anymore. Sometimes it's better to let people go their own way, as you will undoubtedly be doing.

You didn't mention your living situation. If you are in a dorm, there are definitely social opportunities at every corner. If you live off campus, you probably get a lot more sleep and have a lot more privacy. If you find that the dorms don't offer the level of humanity or interaction that you want, you will have to look elsewhere. Getting involved somehow is really important. You will meet people and make new friends. I still am nerved to death now to approach people in such a strange environment and all, but it's just part of the deal. My first semester here, I was quite homesick and missed the routine I had back home. Now, I am used to the routine here and am so busy time flies and the days are pretty packed.

I would stick it out for a little while at your school and see if things improve. There's no rule you have to stick with everything you try out. Try out clubs and events that interest you. If it sucks, you never have to do it again. If you like it, the more power to you.

The best piece of advice I can give to you is to perhaps not hate the silence, or loneliness. There is nothing wrong with being tired of being unhappy. What I'm trying to say is that there are a lot of good things about moving on. Being outside of your comfort zone really lets you confront things that you never had to deal with before. Perhaps if somebody is too dependent on people for their happiness, the silence will let them examine themselves for once.

For example, until this last year ... I had gone to school in my town for years. Same old people, same things to do ... I didn't really feel like I had to confront any personal issues or grow in any way. I felt like I SHOULD, but I didn't feel the urge to do it right that minute. Then I transferred, and it sucked at first. It was a new school, I knew only a few people (like you) and it was in a new town. This came off of a horrible summer of heartbreak, and I was pretty unhappy for a month or two. I decided to make the most of it and started getting involved, not too much at first but enough to try out new things. My spare time became so much less that I enjoyed it. The new experiences forced me to grow a little and really get to know myself, to figure out what I wanted and who I was --- and that I didn't necessarily need to be best friends with everyone I met. I think that's one major advantage those who go to community college have over those who go off to the dorms and out of town. While those left behind usually get jobs, forge connections, and mature --- many of those heading off to university basically go on to a second wave of high school --- and graduate in a flash without really learning or maturing ... or drop out and return home drunk and disillusioned --- they just couldn't handle the freedom. (which happens a loooot.)

My words of wisdom for you are to just hang in there and put yourself out there. I actually came to this forum and asked someone a similar question as you did and she gave me some great advice, and she was absolutely right. It's painful and infuriating to be stuck like this at first, but you will get used to your surroundings and hopefully begin building a new life-away-from-home for yourself.

Anways, this is getting long. If you have more questions, I would be happy to talk more.

Hey.
I'm new here. Brought by the huge amount of loneliness of my freshman year in college. So here's my situation: I didn't think it would be so hard to be away from my friends and family (especially my family) but it was very hard first semester. I thought second semester would start out better. I actually only started 2nd semester today but since I got back yesterday I've been holding back tears. I've just been filled with this large amount of sadness. And I've never felt like this before.

I haven't been able to make any friends since I came here. I came here knowing 3 people (1 from high school, 1 form church AND high school and 1 from church) One of them I hung out with alot in high school but we never had as much in common as me and my other friends. I'm always making the effort to hang out with them and I'm tired of trying so hard. I will admit - I haven't been good about getting involved. I plan on trying a bit more this semester.

The academics here are great and I like the campus. The people for the most part seem alright. But it wasn't my first choice. I always wanted to go to a city school - I was very oppossed to the college-centric town type campus. My first choice was a city school but it was very expensive. The school I'm at now gave me a large sum of money. And so here I am. I went to visit my very good friend who is studying at my first choice school and I wanted to go there so badly.

I plan on giving myself the rest of the semester and first semester of sophomore year to see if I can make friends and whether or not that'll change how I feel. I don't wanna leave b/c I wanna feel happy here and I don't wanna feel like I made a mistake. I also would feel very guilty about the amount of money it could cause my parents. We're not exactly rolling in the dough. But I feel so unhappy here 90% of the time. And its an unhappiness and helplessness I've never felt before. I know college isn't about making friends. But I don't think it's about being super depressed either.

So I was just wondering if there were any college students out there going thru something similar. Or if there were any transfer students that acutally transferred for similar reasons or just had advice. It's all very welcome at this time.

Thanks so much for reading this LONG post. :shy:

 

[notSOsure]

Thanks for the advice Janus.
I do live in the dorms. And I will admit, I haven't made much of an effort. In fact, if I were to give myself a grade for getting involved and putting myself out there I'd have to give myself a D. I have made small efforts. But they aren't anything significant. I know I should try harder but I guess I'm intially shy and find it hard to initate things. Once I get to know people I can be very vibrant and talkative but getting to know people is my problem. I'm always expecting people to come to me wanting to be my friend. The dorm I'm in seems like an exclusive club though. Many are upperclassman who all know each other. While we all made and effort to introduce ourselves throughout the first month it all seemed to wear off pretty fast. The other freshman made friends with each other and I felt left out. My current roommate (second one this year) seems to feel the same way so I don't think its just me. And she seems a bit more outgoing then I am.

As for the 3 people I know...I had come to campus with the mindset of not trying to keep the friendship - if they wanted to hang out then we would, but I wasn't going to go out of my way. I thought I was going to come and make friends right away. But then I missed home so much and was so tired of being alone that I started calling them up. But it was always me. So I've decided to give that up this semester. The wierd thing is we do hang out (of course with my larger group of friends) when we go home for break so I don't really know what that's about.

I like what you say about not hating the loneliness or silence. I used to love being by myself at home. But I guess feelings are different here b/c I know that my family is far away and that besides my roommate I have no one else to talk to. I feel unsure of myself now b/c I always considered myself an independent person - prefering to work by myself on projects and be alone most of the time. But then I come here and I keep saying that I want companionship. So it leads me to ask: Was I wrong about my level of independence? Or is it really my environment that's not right?

I guess what I really want to know is if my only problem is the fact that I'm not happy having friends, or if I need to be closer to my family or if life is telling me "Go to the city where you can be busy and occupied!!"

Like I said before...I plan on giving myself this semester, summer semester and at least the first half of fall semester of sophomore year to let things fall and place and see how things work out. The way I see it, if I do make friends or get more involved and I start to feel better and less trapped, bored, lonely and sad....then I'll stay. But if I do these things and put in all the effort and nothing works out....then I start applying to transfer schools.

But for now I will take your advice and the advice that everyone's been giving me. It's just so hard to see things improving when you feel so terrible all the time.

 

[Janus]

I never had a real wide range of choices on where to go to school, due to finances and other situations, so I guess I just had to live with where I went. That's not to say that where I've been to school have been bad, they've been fine, but I'm just not enamored with college like some people become.

Definitely give it your all and see what happens. If you still decide later that it's just not a fit for a variety of reasons, find somewhere else you would want to go and feel free to take some chances. If you're paying for college (or your parents are), you might as well be paying for something that you can live with, right?

People transfer and switch majors and leave and come back to school all the time, it wouldn't be too big of a deal.

Good luck and best wishes, I'll be around if you ever want to chat.

Thanks for the advice Janus.
I do live in the dorms. And I will admit, I haven't made much of an effort. In fact, if I were to give myself a grade for getting involved and putting myself out there I'd have to give myself a D. I have made small efforts. But they aren't anything significant. I know I should try harder but I guess I'm intially shy and find it hard to initate things. Once I get to know people I can be very vibrant and talkative but getting to know people is my problem. I'm always expecting people to come to me wanting to be my friend. The dorm I'm in seems like an exclusive club though. Many are upperclassman who all know each other. While we all made and effort to introduce ourselves throughout the first month it all seemed to wear off pretty fast. The other freshman made friends with each other and I felt left out. My current roommate (second one this year) seems to feel the same way so I don't think its just me. And she seems a bit more outgoing then I am.

As for the 3 people I know...I had come to campus with the mindset of not trying to keep the friendship - if they wanted to hang out then we would, but I wasn't going to go out of my way. I thought I was going to come and make friends right away. But then I missed home so much and was so tired of being alone that I started calling them up. But it was always me. So I've decided to give that up this semester. The wierd thing is we do hang out (of course with my larger group of friends) when we go home for break so I don't really know what that's about.

I like what you say about not hating the loneliness or silence. I used to love being by myself at home. But I guess feelings are different here b/c I know that my family is far away and that besides my roommate I have no one else to talk to. I feel unsure of myself now b/c I always considered myself an independent person - prefering to work by myself on projects and be alone most of the time. But then I come here and I keep saying that I want companionship. So it leads me to ask: Was I wrong about my level of independence? Or is it really my environment that's not right?

I guess what I really want to know is if my only problem is the fact that I'm not happy having friends, or if I need to be closer to my family or if life is telling me "Go to the city where you can be busy and occupied!!"

Like I said before...I plan on giving myself this semester, summer semester and at least the first half of fall semester of sophomore year to let things fall and place and see how things work out. The way I see it, if I do make friends or get more involved and I start to feel better and less trapped, bored, lonely and sad....then I'll stay. But if I do these things and put in all the effort and nothing works out....then I start applying to transfer schools.

But for now I will take your advice and the advice that everyone's been giving me. It's just so hard to see things improving when you feel so terrible all the time.

 

[lonelyloser]

I went to a college that was about 15 miles away from a big city. It was great. It wasn't completely urban, but far from being a country town. If I was bored and wanted to go into the city, I could be there in about 30 minutes easily. I think college towns are good because it's easier to make friends-although there is not much to offer since everything revolves around the university. Big cities are good because you have more options, and can make friends outside of your school. However they can be lonely too if you can't find friends. I would say go for the city school - I think if you find a deep interest in something, then you can focus on that instead of focusing on your loneliness. It's all really in the mind. If you can keep yourself occupied, that's probably the best way of getting out of this rut. Even though had very few friends in college, I had 3 jobs along with a full load of classes. It forced me to get out of my apt, and I met a lot of cool people too.