Befriending Your Roommates

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Estreen

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<begin_rant>

Befriending your roommates can either turn out positive or negative. I am fortunate to have really clicked with one of them. The other one? Well....not so much. I'm about at wit's end in dealing with her and helping her out.

I pride myself on being a neutral, laid-back, peace-keeping individual. I like to avoid confrontation if possible and try to talk things out if need be. I can get along with just about any person, unless they are set on not getting along with me. *shrugs* However....I eventually have a point where I get burnt out if someone decides to take advantage of my nice, helpful, giving nature. When it goes from doing a nice thing for someone every now and again, to an expected, near-daily obligation, I get stressed out and frustrated over it, because I will not say anything for some time, in hopes that they'll calm down with the requests or find another, more permanent alternate person to rely on. Generally this does not happen and a sort of falling out results, or I end up putting a lot of space between myself and that person, even if I have to lie to them about it.

This generally occurs with only certain types of people: people who are very stubborn; usually self-absorbed; and for the most part ignorant, of things in general and especially about their personality flaws. You know, the type of people who can't see their own faults, the ones that have "everything " happen to them. The kind of people who could quite easily do a bit more to help themselves but won't, because they decide it's easier to just get you or someone else to do it for them, ignore the things you can't do or get for them, then blame something or someone else for why they couldn't get it done or obtain what they needed.

Herein, lies my problem. One of my roommates is very close to the description I just typed above. She lives in one of the rooms upstairs from me (this is a house, converted into an apartment, with three bedrooms and a shared kitchen, bathroom, and "livingroom") with her fiancee (who is technically not a roommate as our landlord has no idea that she lives here). Pretty much since I've moved here (since she's had my number anyway) I've gotten texts nearly everyday asking if she can borrow toilet paper or food/beverages, if I can give her a ride to/from school (which is only half a mile down the road...), if I can spot her some money for cigarettes, if I can go get her friends, etc. If it's not to ask me for a favor then it's her saying she thinks I'm "different" because I haven't hung out with her for like, a day or two, and instead have hung out with the other roomie (who I get on with wonderfully) so suddenly things are "different" in the apartment. She'll complain of feeling "left out" despite the fact that we will invite her and her fiancee almost every time we do something. We invite them to go to the gym with us, we invite them to play badminton with us, and each time they/she has some excuse for either not wanting to or not being able to. We don't smoke weed, and that seems to be the only thing they want to do. Either that or drink, which I will partake in, on occasion. So, we're limited to hanging out in their room, with the cigarette and pot smoke, plus the cat (which I have a mild allergy to cats) but no, apparently there's something wrong with me if I don't hang out in there for more than a day or two. Granted, she does clean her room once a week and sprays it with odor eaters, but that's not the point. One can not expect everyone else to come to you, often times you must go to others if you want to see them. It's not that hard. Anyway, I digress....

It's gotten to a point where it interferes with my own life/schedule, and while I love helping others, I can't afford to. Any money I have is my parents and they do not have enough money to support 2-3 people. I was asked (yet AGAIN) tonight if I had any toilet paper to let them "borrow" and I lied and said no, because they use it up within the DAY, or by the next day, for sure. Between them, as me and the other roommate are almost always at school during the week, and I only use the bathroom, like, once a day, sometimes twice. I've also been noticing toilet paper stuffed in the garbage in the bathroom....which is kinda pissing me off. I'm tired of being, like, tied down to a person who I owe nothing to. I was just being nice and "neighborly", that doesn't mean I want to spend a minimum of half of my free time running around for her and her fiancee, having to rush home after classes or cut time short on working on stuff after class, or have to tell someone where I am and what I'm doing at least once a day. I'm going to get to the point where I'm going to just start ignoring any texts she sends....which she sends so many, that every other day my inbox gets filled up and I have to go through and delete messages just to make room for more. I love the fact that I'm around other people, I just don't like having someone constantly depending on me. Just because my parents were able to provide a little more for me doesn't mean I have to give up what little I do have for others all the time.

Sorry for the long rant, but I don't appreciate getting accused of having an attitude and being taken advantage of by people who I've only known for the past month and a half and who I do a LOT for. I practically run their lives for them and that's NOT what I came here for, nor what I signed up for when I signed the lease. On top of that, I don't like having my phone being constantly messaged, interrupting me at every turn, and having another person trying to rush me so that they can get what they need or get to where they need to. Just because my class is over doesn't mean that I'm obligated to to devote the rest of my day working around another person's schedule. UGH!

</end_rant>
 
Screw fucken guilt, Estreen...

You be a soft target too Eh ?:p

Yes...manipulatons 101.

Or the classic case of Stockholm sydrome she be trying to pull on ya.

You're co-dependent Eh ?
Doing the enabling ...lately ? :p

I was reading a book on this subject as a matter of fact...
All kinds of crazy behavior triats that reminds me of my ex-gf and your roomate.
I actaully felt well after reading that.

For the first time I can actaully say to myself with coviction "fresia NO..NEVER AGAIN"
What i read tonight..was like reading almost exaclty what i lived through...
It felt as if a slithver was pulled out of my mind....It cleared my mind.

You can't hold a candle to person like that..as you said..They're too self absorbed.
They'll pull on your guilt and drag your emotions and mental throuhg the fucken mud.
She dosn't give a honeysuckle about you...bottom line. Not yesterday, not today, and not tommorrow..
When push comes to sholve...she'll run out on you in a heart beat...it's all about her.
She's a vacumme...sucking the life out of you already.
In other words..SHE's USING YOU.

Don't fall for it anymore...break the cycle.

She's not going to give in without a fight...meaning in the process of you breaking
this unhealthy relationship with her..she's going throw everything at you.
Sometimes very subtle or other times harsh. And she'll try to convence you that she's
doing you a favor and looking out for your best interest in the process too...lol

She might not be aware of it and she might be...never the less..the unhealthy relationship
exist between you and her... You can't change her. You can only change yourself or save yourself.

DETACH...DETACH..DETACH..

Let me put it to you this way...one night my exgf came home after gambling her entired paycheck away ($1500).
I was so worry about her..but I was so pissed off that she's done it over and over again...
Then she asked me to go buy her tampons...I refused.
But afterward I felt so so guilty..for treating her like that..She was bleeding FFS..
I finally went to get the tampons after she used one of my good shirt to wiped herself..lmao
She woke up the next morning...crying her eyes out...making me promise her that i would never leave her...
I felt so so bad and so guilty for treating her like honeysuckle ..for not just getting her tampons.
I made her car payments and paid all of her bills as uaual...
Well...fresia, as soon as she got paid again...there i was..sitting home alone :(

I have that image of her crying that morning embeded in my mind with a lot of guilt attached to it...
It's a first thought that comes to my mind when i think of her..then followed by the thoughts
of her..crying her heart out theaten to kill herself...then followed by a couple more guilty thoughts.

She left me for dead after all those years....she actaully pretends like I'm fucken dead..
That's what she told me that last time I spoke to her...

I don't even exist to her..yet she was the one doing all of the chaos...She dons't give a fresia about me..
yet..I remember her telling me she loves me all the time.
I feel bad about myself becuase at the sametime...I didn't think I would let anyone use me.
It's a total messed up minded messed all the way around...

And yeap..I was ******* up at work alot too..

Toilet paper...tampons...same difference...lol
 
Yeah Rocket, I've always had a tough time with people like that, but I'm not taking it. I don't like the passive-aggressive BS either. Most likely...in fact...no, I KNOW she has by now....I've been talked about behind my back, and I just don't care. I'm tired of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around this person. She has too many problems, too much drama in her life, and is too short-tempered and impatient for it. She wants things and she wants them that moment. She has her cool moments, but again, that's usually when she's gotten what she wants for that day.

I have to live with this person for the next year/year and a half, unless she fails a class this quarter. She's already on academic probation this quarter, so if she fails a class, she'll be kicked out of school, which means that she'll have to move back home. So, even though it's kinda mean to say it, I kinda DO hope she does poorly enough so that she has to move back home. She leaves her classes early almost all the time, is either late or misses others, seems to NEVER have homework (which is BS) and always complains about being bored, which annoys me to no friggin' end. Here I am, busting my butt to manage my own life and do for her, and the rest of her time is spent being "bored". -.-; There's plenty of stuff she could be doing. She could do dishes on a daily basis rather than let them pile up to the ceiling, could do some basic cleaning, put some effort into school work, could go job hunting as her classes don't seem demanding in the slightest, take a walk, take a little extra time and walk to her classes on good days, invest in an umbrella and walk even in the not-so-good weather, just to list a few things.

And to top things off....there's a bus stop LITERALLY right outside our FRONT DOOR.
 
Give yourself a break...Estreen stop bust'in your ass for her...

I know it seem hard..becuase of all the guilt trip that's tugging at you.
and it's most difficult to communicate with someone that's not going to care one way or the other..
It's as if you're going a have a nice conversation with a rattle snake..lol

And yes..when you lie to cover thier tracks...feeds into more of your guilt.
Such as...after a while I had to call in sick for my gf...stuff like that.
The same as you having to lie about he toilet paper...or feel like you have to lie just
so you don't have to run round for her anymore...

It's the dame retaliations afterwards too...that you don't wanna cope with.

Sometimes I feel like calling or telling my ex-gf ...
" Look *****...get your honeysuckle together or fresia off"...but I don't.

Becuase it just seem so cold and heartless...

I'm actaully too **** nice in person :p

Yet the fustrations and anger builds up..Then I surpress my anger and feelings..
walaaaa...DEPRESSION

Yeah..maybe you can do a little reseach on codependency.
Find some copping tools or skill...if you still have to live with this person.
establish a bondary...

Please do not blame yourself...if you do it feeds into the guilt even more.

write...reach out to others.
You need peace of mind

Do not internalize it or keep it all to youself...it'll eat at you...as it's already starting too.

Wow..you only been there for a couple of months or less.
 
Lonesome Crow said:
Give yourself a break...Estreen stop bust'in your ass for her...

I know it seem hard..becuase of all the guilt trip that's tugging at you.
and it's most difficult to communicate with someone that's not going to care one way or the other..
It's as if you're going a have a nice conversation with a rattle snake..lol

And yes..when you lie to cover thier tracks...feeds into more of your guilt.
Such as...after a while I had to call in sick for my gf...stuff like that.
The same as you having to lie about he toilet paper...or feel like you have to lie just
so you don't have to run round for her anymore...

It's the dame retaliations afterwards too...that you don't wanna cope with.

Sometimes I feel like calling or telling my ex-gf ...
" Look *****...get your honeysuckle together or fresia off"...but I don't.

Becuase it just seem so cold and heartless...

I'm actaully too **** nice in person :p

Yet the fustrations and anger builds up..Then I surpress my anger and feelings..
walaaaa...DEPRESSION

Yeah..maybe you can do a little reseach on codependency.
Find some copping tools or skill...if you still have to live with this person.
establish a bondary...

Please do not blame yourself...if you do it feeds into the guilt even more.

write...reach out to others.
You need peace of mind

Do not internalize it or keep it all to youself...it'll eat at you...as it's already starting too.

Wow..you only been there for a couple of months or less.

Yeah, I've only been here for 8 weeks. ^^; I had mentioned it to my advisor today as I had a meeting scheduled for today and she recommended that I go across the hall and see the housing department again, just for the heck of it, and see what else there is around the area for apartments. She said it's not worth it to try to fix or "patch things up" with this person who I'll probably never ever see or talk to again. If it was a long-standing friend, then yes. I told her I didn't want to move because that's like me running away and I shouldn't run from my problems but she said it doesn't hurt to look and that I should decide for myself if it's worth my sanity to stay there.

There is a place only 5 miles from the school, same rent I just gotta go half on the electricity but everything else is covered. The Housing lady told me she is very nice, has her own car AND a job, so she wouldn't depend on me for anything since she is already independent. She gave me the girl's number, gave her a call and left her a message saying that I might be interested. I'll talk it over with my folks and consider it. There's also the possibility that this current roommate of mine may do just badly enough in school to get kicked out, so who knows.
 
Estreen said:
<begin_rant>

However....I eventually have a point where I get burnt out if someone decides to take advantage of my nice, helpful, giving nature. When it goes from doing a nice thing for someone every now and again, to an expected, near-daily obligation, I get stressed out and frustrated over it, because I will not say anything for some time, in hopes that they'll calm down with the requests or find another, more permanent alternate person to rely on.

Believe it or not, the problem is not your roommate. You teach people how to treat you. You have a people pleasing persona, and you cant stand it if you offend someone, so you'll probably do whatever you can just to keep the peace. I have no problem saying no to people and i do not get taken advantage of. If I do get taken advantage of, i realize its only because i allowed someone to treat me in a way i didnt like. sometimes you have to piss people off, and it doesnt make them mean nor you insensitive.

This is a good lesson for you, so dont run from it. its not your roommate who has the problem. you need to learn when to say yes, when to say no, and how to be cordial about it and not judge your roommate. you need to stop trying to please people. you'll only become their doormat. and what is more, you'll attract it in a relationship where it only gets ugly.
 
I understand your point, and I know and do realize full well that I need to work on improving my assertiveness, and I have been slowly working on that, but to say that I am the sole problem here, does not compute. Yes, I do need to work on better articulating my true feelings and saying "no" more often and when appropriate, but I don't think she's innocent and fine in her own way for treating me and the other roommate like that. (Who has gone through the same thing with her.) I see it as a problem having the type of mindset where you just expect people to do and do and do for you, and just don't care. I have said no, and I had already mentioned and talked about the ride thing a few weeks back, and there was an agreement made that I would get paid $10/week for providing transportation. I've gotten paid once, so that's that then. I told her no the other day, twice. I've said no for when I was asked if I could spot them $5 for cigs and yet was asked again when I got home, "You really don't have $6 to spare?" and I said, "No, I don't"

It's not that I'm afraid to say no, or completely afraid of offending people; I give everyone a chance at first and try my best to keep things nice and friendly, but pretty soon honeysuckle's gonna hit the fan because I just don't care anymore. Apparently this world only likes bitches and ******** and if you're not conceited and self-centered to the point where you can't see past your own nose, then you are the one that's wrong and need to seek help.

I understand (or at least assume) that you mean no offense by your post, and any frustrations I relay here are not directed at you for what you said. I appreciate your honest feedback and I agree with it to an extent, but I don't believe that I am the only one who needs to work on fixing something. I will gladly take responsibility for my actions and won't protest when my faults are pointed out, I only ask that everyone do the same, and that the "girl who's too nice" isn't the only one the finger points to.
 
You can't fix things with this person...she dosn't care.

here's the lesson...you got burned , if you stick your hand in the fire again..you'll get burn again.

You don't need to go any deeper to figure out that it's messed up..
Let this be your bottom.
You recognize the warning signs already...

Listen to your counselor...

If you decide to face this problem with your roommate alone...and not prepaired, not equiped
with the proper tools or support ...you'll simply get suck in deeper and deeper and feel worst about
yourself.

You saying that you need to be a mean ***** inorder to survive in this world ....
This simple statment or the way that you feel at the moment...is an indication that your getting sick by it already.

I did mentioned...something about anger...guilt... and losing your identity. Stuff like that ?

It took me a while...for me to seperate my ex-gf from the rest of the world.
Belive me...I know how to be a ruthless prick and just cut people off..

I became sicker and sicker by living with her all those years.....Putting myself in the posistion to get hurt.


Yes..estreen..you're not completely well at the moment...
Please don't take it the wrong way.

Yes..there's areas you can improve in your life.
There are list of thing mention in the book I'm reading..

Yes...I have alot of defect of character. I can work on them..

I go to my meetings or support groups...there, I get to practice some of these things..
I can tell certain peaple to "off fresia " or say "fresia NO" or "Yes I'm pissed *****, don't do that honeysuckle again" :p
They say "that dude is crazy"
I'm like "bitches...I'm working my recovery program".lol
It's in an enviorment where I'm not around it all the time.

Some dude aske me to work on his car, I was like " WTF ??..NO *****, do it yourself I have my own car i can work on".lmao
He tried to make me feel guilty after even..i was like..."screw guilt *****"

Some dude told me last month that I was angery...I told him.." that's right gardenia..what of it..it's okay for me to get angery..
stop being a gardenia"

I asked a girl out not so long ago. I told her " I'll do anything to be with you".
She was like.. " click"..lmao

I gave a dude a ride home lastnight after a meeting. He asked me for $10...
I said ...."NO..I don't have $10 I can give you"
I was thinking to myself...Good job Micheal...You didn't curse his ass out...:)

An old fart told me...I wasn't praying to god right or didn't get it..becuase I should pray to god and only listen

I told him. "That's nice..I'm having a 2 way relationship with god. Wheather it's god or whom the fresia ever..it's has to
be a 2 way relationship in my life. I'll talk to my god any **** way I please and it's none of you god **** bussiness,
it between me and god. If you don't like it....take it up with god. I'm done with that one way street bull honeysuckle.
The change comes from the top...as in fucken GOD too. My god loves me alot..god listens to me"
God is not afraid of me using the F fucken bomb...That's what makes god..god..:)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some unheatlhy traits that I need to work on and have been working on.

People pleasing
Earning approval or acceptance of others.
Emophobia....fear of negative emotions...(such as anger) You're reaction to that is WALKIN ON EGG SHELLS.
Lack of assertive or the ablities to say No.
The Vanishing self (lost of idenity or feeling of not good enough)
Low self reliance..(self esteem, loving yourself , repecting oneself)
External Locus of control.
 
Please don't think of moving as running away. College is serious business. It's an investment in you, and can be one of the most important things a person does for themselves. The fewer distractions right now, the better. Believe me, sometimes you only get one chance at a good education, and if moving away from this person will help, I say don't hesitate. Do what you need to do to make your college experience a good one.

Good luck!
 

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