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M_also_lonely

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(2/2) The reason why I diverted slightly is because it seems that not only do you lack a partner, but your probably also unaware that you could fall into this trap of seeking someone ideal.
Moreover, you'll also need to understand that the people who would keep their fantasies aside and give a fair chance to you (you, a person who would give their best to their partner) do not constitute the majority of the people. I mean, for example, a lot of women don't want a caring and supportive partner. They want a handsome, financially stable (more than her) partner to be caring and supportive to her. This is just like most of us men, who don't want just a loving, supportive and caring partner, but wish that someone who looks a certain way should be caring and loving towards us.
 
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Jessica Jones

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Most of the time you get what comes out your mouth. If you believe and say there's no one for you, your probably right. I believe there is someone for me, but even if there wasn't so what. I'm so used to being alone it feels normal and having to deal with another individual annoying me every day .....day and night, well....that would def. be a challenge....like the other times I had husbands. Men always want their way, and I have my ways....so I'm not stressing over it. But I believe there is someone for me. Just saying that makes it more possible.
 

blackdot

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Has anyone else realised that meeting someone and finding that special person to form a life with, for whatever reason is applicable to your situation, is probably just not going to happen for you? Like, sometimes it just doesn't happen for some people and I'm starting to realise that I'm probably going to be one of those people :(

I realized that a long time ago. Unfortunately there is not someone for everyone.
 

ardour

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I used to.
But the truth is a bit different.
Over years of observation and experiences, from both sides, I have tried to bring some clarity about how things really work.

> There can't be any 'ideal' one. As in, when you imagine your potential partner, you fantasize about certain 'pleasant' things about them. But they also come with certain 'unpleasant' things, since they're mere flawed humans. The more fantasies you had, the more disappointed you will be. This is because you fell into the false belief that she is something 'more' or 'above' than others. You put her on a pedestal. In reality, she's as human as the old homeless man that we see everyday. Both have the exact same intrinsic value, only different social values. She is not really 'special'.

The original idea of 'romantic love' was actually supposed to be towards God (the ideal) that they believed in. It was diverted towards a life partner in the later years. People before that, didn't fall in love for a person, they got married and raised a family. This still holds true for people living in tribes and also for the rest of the animal kingdom.

> If she's not 'special', what is it that I see all around? People finding partners and being totally fulfilled with it? They must have found the 'special' that I am denying the existence of..?
Well, this is the defining factor. It was the hardest thing I ever learned:

***The feeling of great admiration towards someone, is YOUR emotion and has more to do with yourself than the other. The chance of experiencing this emotion lies on YOUR perceptions about life. If you have a positive outlook on life, people, etc. then you will get that feeling.***

If you have some sort of grudge, regret, hatred, envy, etc. you won't get to experience that feeling. You will miss out. You will find flaws. You will accentuate their flaws.

For instance, consider someone who never got any partner. He started hating women for that. He then worked on improving himself for years, and became 'eligible' for a lot of women. But if he did this out of hatred, even though he could still get a partner, he won't feel that she's 'special'. I mean, he won't 'fall in love' .

Getting a partner is not that hard, not saying it is easy either. But what's more important is what you feel about her. And what you feel about her will be a reflection of what you feel about your life in general.

So think deeply on what you want, and take the direction accordingly.


This is why 'missing out' in critical stages of youth is such a problem, it damages our ability to see the world in this idealized way that is probably necessary to "fall in love".

Having experienced nothing but negativity, the man in the example will always see others that way. A collection of flaws or cynical motives.
 

VanillaCreme

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This is why 'missing out' in critical stages of youth is such a problem, it damages our ability to see the world in this idealized way that is probably necessary to "fall in love".

Having experienced nothing but negativity, the man in the example will always see others that way. A collection of flaws or cynical motives.
A defeatist will always be defeated.
 

DeadDreamsWhispering

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45 is getting to 'old people' territory where having kids is no longer feasible and a big drive is gone. Unless he's the type who can pull a younger woman.. which, let's be honest. Mid 30s there would still be hope for that and maybe something close to the younger adult experiences that were missed. This isn't a great situation though. It is well past a late bloomer problem at that point. It's a serious mental barrier, as well as a red flag for many. A fully grown man with less romantic experience than an average 19 yo will struggle to come across normally to a potential partner. He'll need to develop a thick skin.

I dont think being a man in your mid 30s and having a sexual experience with an early to mid 20s woman will feel any less enjoyable than it would have if you were in that age range yourself. I do think the lack of experience could present challenges but even pornstars get performance anxiety. I think giving yourself permission to fail might be the key to it.
 

M_also_lonely

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This is why 'missing out' in critical stages of youth is such a problem, it damages our ability to see the world in this idealized way that is probably necessary to "fall in love".

Having experienced nothing but negativity, the man in the example will always see others that way. A collection of flaws or cynical motives.
On the two things: 1. 'missing out' and 2. 'negativity based on experiences'

1. The "missing out" thing. It is a very weird trap. When we see others having what we desire, we form a belief that if we had it, we would be at peace, or, wouldn't feel 'missed out'. But this is not really true. If always had it, we could still feel missed out on other things. We wouldn't feel 'grateful' if we had it without any efforts. It takes great intelligence to feel grateful in a genuine way, about the things we received without efforts and sacrifices.
So for example, a person born and raised in a poor household will wish he was born in a wealthy household. Whereas a person born and raised in a homeless condition will wish that he missed out on having a shelter to be raised in. The situations of both are drastically different. But the emotions and experiences, same!!!
Another example is someone who never had a girlfriend claims that he wouldn't feel missed out if he had one. But if he had it, he would have wanted something more, despite his otherwise claim.
We miss out on billions of things, but only feel missed out on some of those.

2. The negativity based on negative experiences.

I see things in 3 'phases'. Innocence, adulthood, and maturity.

" it damages our ability to see the world in this idealized way that is probably necessary to "fall in love"."

It seems like if I have touched upon the dark side, I am deprived of my innocence and hence, I will never be able to 'fall in love' again. I know that you are trying to emphasize this thing and it had bothered me in the past as well.
This thought comes when we only see two phases. Innocence and adulthood. A huge problem with the 'innocence' phase is vulnerability. You have innocence, but you aren't aware of it. For instance, a guy who never had to struggle to get a girlfriend throughout a certain phase from the beginning, definitely seems in a better position. But not really, he is absolutely unprepared to navigate through things when the winds change.
If a kid was always shown appreciation, he will not be able to tolerate rejections. This is the transition from innocence to adulthood.

I was always the best student in my class. I never saw life from a student who was kicked outside the class for not doing homework and who got less than passing marks. It was definitely a good feeling to get great scores and appreciation from all teachers. Oh!! Those back benchers must be jealous! They must have wondered what it feels like to be at the top!!

But NO!!! I didn't know that I could fall too. And I had never trained myself to reach from bottom to the top because there wasn't ever a need. But alas! It happened. When I got into college, my scores started degrading due to certain mental health issues. And the fall was consistent and rapid! In one semester, I had the worst score of my entire batch. And I was never trained or wondered how to move out of this situation (because of the mental stress that comes with it).
It took a lot of mental effort, thinking, practice, reflection, etc. to get back to the top. I am still not at the top of my performance that I had as a teenager. But what feels more appreciating is this upward vector, than the stator at the top. It made me aware that I could fall too!!!

If you want to experience the top consciously, you must touch the bottom. It is a necessary part of the development process. Only then can you get rid of ungratefulness in the true sense, when you reach the summit. This is the third stage, maturity or in other words, 'regained innocence'.

What do you think on this?
 
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ardour

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On the two things: 1. 'missing out' and 2. 'negativity based on experiences'

1. The "missing out" thing. It is a very weird trap. When we see others having what we desire, we form a belief that if we had it, we would be at peace, or, wouldn't feel 'missed out'. But this is not really true. If always had it, we could still feel missed out on other things. We wouldn't feel 'grateful' if we had it without any efforts. It takes great intelligence to feel grateful in a genuine way, about the things we received without efforts and sacrifices.
So for example, a person born and raised in a poor household will wish he was born in a wealthy household. Whereas a person born and raised in a homeless condition will wish that he missed out on having a shelter to be raised in. The situations of both are drastically different. But the emotions and experiences, same!!!
Another example is someone who never had a girlfriend claims that he wouldn't feel missed out if he had one. But if he had it, he would have wanted something more, despite his otherwise claim.
We miss out on billions of things, but only feel missed out on some of those.

2. The negativity based on negative experiences.

I see things in 3 'phases'. Innocence, adulthood, and maturity.

" it damages our ability to see the world in this idealized way that is probably necessary to "fall in love"."

It seems like if I have touched upon the dark side, I am deprived of my innocence and hence, I will never be able to 'fall in love' again. I know that you are trying to emphasize this thing and it had bothered me in the past as well.
This thought comes when we only see two phases. Innocence and adulthood. A huge problem with the 'innocence' phase is vulnerability. You have innocence, but you aren't aware of it. For instance, a guy who never had to struggle to get a girlfriend throughout a certain phase from the beginning, definitely seems in a better position. But not really, he is absolutely unprepared to navigate through things when the winds change.
If a kid was always shown appreciation, he will not be able to tolerate rejections. This is the transition from innocence to adulthood.

I was always the best student in my class. I never saw life from a student who was kicked outside the class for not doing homework and who got less than passing marks. It was definitely a good feeling to get great scores and appreciation from all teachers. Oh!! Those back benchers must be jealous! They must have wondered what it feels like to be at the top!!

But NO!!! I didn't know that I could fall too. And I had never trained myself to reach from bottom to the top because there wasn't ever a need. But alas! It happened. When I got into college, my scores started degrading due to certain mental health issues. And the fall was consistent and rapid! In one semester, I had the worst score of my entire batch. And I was never trained or wondered how to move out of this situation (because of the mental stress that comes with it).
It took a lot of mental effort, thinking, practice, reflection, etc. to get back to the top. I am still not at the top of my performance that I had as a teenager. But what feels more appreciating is this upward vector, than the stator at the top. It made me aware that I could fall too!!!

If you want to experience the top consciously, you must touch the bottom. It is a necessary part of the development process. Only then can you get rid of ungratefulness in the true sense, when you reach the summit. This is the third stage, maturity or in other words, 'regained innocence'.

What do you think on this?
...yeah, well you're above my intellectual level.

Can you really compare academic performance to dating? For one, the potential for shame is more immediate and personal with the latter.

Someone born into wealthy circumstances may not appreciate what they have, but they have access to resources, education, that give them options and lets them grow intellectually. And their privilege means they will probably avoid the nastier kinds of trauma.

Most people experience success and failure. In terms of dating anyway. Someone who manages to get dates or relationships still has to function successfully within those relationships. That has a lot more instructional value than someone who just receives rejection, to whom the opposite sex is alien, an enemy, a judge. And there's something about an unbroken string of negative experiences during adolescence when brains are still developing, connections are still being made.

A better analogy would be if you were at the bottom of your class all through school, barely graduated, took a minimum wage job in your 20s, but suddenly at 30 decided to study engineering with absolutely nothing to indicate you are capable of that. That is the equivalent what a dateless, friendless 30 yo is facing.
 
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DeadDreamsWhispering

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...yeah, well you're above my intellectual level.

Can you really compare academic performance to dating? For one, the potential for shame is more immediate and personal with the latter.

Someone being born into wealthy circumstances may not appreciate what they have, but they have access to resources, education, that give them options and let them grow intellectually. And their privilege means they will probably avoid the nastier kinds of trauma.

Most people experience success and failure. In terms of dating anyway. Someone who manages to get dates or relationships still has to function successfully within those relationships. That has a lot more instructional value than someone who just receives rejection, to whom the opposite sex is alien, an enemy, a judge. And there's something about an unbroken string of negative experiences during adolescence when brains that are still developing, connections are still being made.

A better analogy would be if you were at the bottom of your class all through school, barely graduated, took a minimum wage job in your 20s, but suddenly at 30 decided to study engineering with absolutely nothing to indicate you were capable of that. That is equivalent what a dateless, friendless 30 yo is facing.

Being quite close to that position of the 30 yo you describe, I absolutely get it but I still you're actually overthinking it in reality. If you can attract someone in the moment they won't automatically know these things and you can still start to get experience.
 

Dymo

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Yes, I've come the the conclusion that I will be forever single and lonely. I sit here each night and wonder how much longer I can do this :(
 

M_also_lonely

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...yeah, well you're above my intellectual level.

Can you rea.................a dateless, friendless 30 yo is facing.
Yes, I can relate to this.
I think certain truths help us navigate through this.
Firstly, in such cases, it really helps to look at others who walked through the path that lies before us. This could also include the need of keeping aside certain beliefs we had all along, since new adventures often require new way of looking at things.
Another one is that, I think we are way more intelligent than what our belief system has formulated. Not only can it be overcome but it can be greatly surpassed. Thus, the right thing to do for someone with 0 XP would be to 'start'.
To start with a realization that they are a newbie and thus they can't expect to have the gains that an experienced person gets. And that the newbie phase will go and can only go if they keep going.*

*Our newbie will claim that he had done his attempts earlier and failed every time. But he needs to keep in mind that there's something fundamentally different this time. It is that this time, he will deal with the failures differently. He will see the upcoming failures as the obvious consequences of being a rookie.
Your thoughts?
-------
 

Unsigned

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Has anyone else realised that meeting someone and finding that special person to form a life with, for whatever reason is applicable to your situation, is probably just not going to happen for you? Like, sometimes it just doesn't happen for some people and I'm starting to realise that I'm probably going to be one of those people :(
Yes.
Same here.
 

Unsigned

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Nikola Tesla was a bachelour his whole life...
It worked for him and some other people too.
Not for others.
My cousin is 2 years older than me and has had sex less than 10 times in his life.
But he is OK with it.
I on the other hand, have been with well over 1000 girls (all professionals - all paid for), and I am quite miserable that I have never had a girlfriend who wanted me for myself and not for money.
Funny how we are all different.
 

Robert550

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I didn't realize how unimportant most people are to me until I lost my guy. I know that sounds so mean and probably doesn't make sense, but I know what I'm trying to say. I will never claim my relationship was perfect, but for anyone else to ever attempt to step into my life, they need to truly understand what they'll be compared to.
You have to be compatible or relationships will not last long. It's that simple.
 

jwags818

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I didn't realize how unimportant most people are to me until I lost my guy. I know that sounds so mean and probably doesn't make sense, but I know what I'm trying to say. I will never claim my relationship was perfect, but for anyone else to ever attempt to step into my life, they need to truly understand what they'll be compared to.
I was married for 27 years until 5 years ago. When I left her I didn't spend 5 minutes missing her. There was just nothing there to miss. Now thats pretty **** sad. Wasted 30 years of my life and now I'll spend the last years alone and sad.. I miss having someone terribly but I dont miss my ex at all.
 

Tryingtosurvive

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Even though this post is old it speaks volumes to me. I've come to terms that i will be single forever, because i've tried hard to get a gf and i've just let things naturally happen but it either fades or i'm in the friend zone again. Due to my health etc i cannot go outside and meet people or develop a social circle as i cannot work etc, even if i could i'd most likely never be attractive to anyone romantically. So my peace has been made with this particular subject.
 

Ace

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Even though this post is old it speaks volumes to me. I've come to terms that i will be single forever, because i've tried hard to get a gf and i've just let things naturally happen but it either fades or i'm in the friend zone again. Due to my health etc i cannot go outside and meet people or develop a social circle as i cannot work etc, even if i could i'd most likely never be attractive to anyone romantically. So my peace has been made with this particular subject.
Sounds a lot like me. My health has deteriorated so much over the years that I can barely stand for more than a couple minutes, and I too feel no one could ever be attracted to me. Plus I suffer badly with anxiety, and just meeting anyone new at all is a struggle so I too have come to accept that I will die alone. It sucks because I seem to have a personality that when I do meet people I only seem to attract women, but I never attract women in a romantic sense so it's like I'm being taunted. It's as if I'm stuck in a Sims game and the person playing is like "hey here's an attractive lady for you to meet... and no she isn't going to like you".

I'm sure some will want to be the happy positive types that want to say things like "well golly gee you never know" or "anything can happen", but I'm at a point in my life where I feel that if it was meant to happen it would have by now. For those of you that want to be on the positive side, the only way you can convince me otherwise is if you can actually prove me wrong and find someone that would be attracted to me... which I guarantee you won't. Hell I could go into that networking section right now and make a post and I promise that no one would reply or show interest, even if I could go back several years and be the more positive me no one would be interested.
 

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