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Being myself, a lonely path

RandomFella

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Hello everyone!

I often feel lonely and this was the case for almost my entire life (I'm close to 30 now). Most social places don't fit to my nature or interests. I don't feel a connection to humanity as a whole. Most adults I talk to are usually friendly, they help me too, when I ask for the right direction etc. No one hates me as far as I know, I'm just a quiet and peaceful person. This is not the problem.
I think the problem is just to find the right people with the right balance. For example, my neighbours. They only talk and talk and talk about themselves and about their lives, without asking anything about me. And when they are alone, the husband would start complaining about the wife, the wife does the same about him.
My experiences with other "friends" or acquaintances in the past was always that it was one-sided. I always give kindness, help and trust in advance. But I never received anything back, was left alone when I had some smaller struggles. One who I was closer to eventually found his new girlfriend and immediately left all of his acquaintances, me included.
I live in a smaller village, so there aren't many opportunities anyway. Nowadays I'm looking mostly online. Most people leave after a short while, quickly losing interest in general. I had the chance to come closer to just a few, but it wouldn't work in the end as well. It was peaceful and friendly, but we seeked different things in a friendship. My goal was basically to not be alone, having a positive time together, since I'm a very positive person myself. Just looking for friendship, romance doesn't interest me. It really would mean the world to me, to find someone similar. When i join the online communities of my interests, they are often pretty negative or toxic. I'm a creative person and I tried to share some of my stuff too, I hoped it would help with the loneliness. But no. The only people who would talk to me are selfish, asking for free stuff. Or they write comments, just making advertisement for themselves. So I figured I just should stay alone, everything I do should be just for myself. This way I keep the hate and everything away from me. I'm very sensitive, so most social media platforms aren't good for my mental health either.

Social life doesn't work for me. Especially since it's important to me to be a true person. True to my nature, my feelings, not faking anything, not lying. A person like me would get hated by most people, even though I'm just peaceful. So I can't be 100% myself around humanity. Which makes it meaningless. The only chance probably would be to find a very small circle of similar thinking people, peacelovers, just like me.
I feel like I reached a very important crossroad in my life. A part of me says I should live in solitude, just accepting to be alone and somehow learn to not feel lonely anymore. Since the feel of loneliness is the only problem. Or just continue my search for the right person or people. I mean I can't change the world, only myself.

Maybe someone here feels similar. Or found a good way to happily live in solitude. I think it would be great to exchange some experiences.
 

Finished

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Welcome to the forum! It is difficult to match with another person long term especially if there are no firm connections like being married and/or having kids. IMO, it requires two people willing to not bail on the other one when differences occur. Many of the online friends I made and communicated with vanished when my opinion about something was the opposite of their opinion. Also sometimes people are just too different. Good luck with your search and don't give up.
 

Sidewinder

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Rescue a pair of kittens! They'll provide plenty of companionship over the years, and they make loneliness much easier to bear... plus you can hang out in the cat forums and get to know equally-sensitive individuals. Much of what you wrote resonated with me, as many people are so caught up in themselves or their ridiculous devices, but I don't really feel lonely, not with four cats to keep me entertained. Each cat has his or her own personality too, much like humans... you even get to name them! Moi, I have Phoenix, Tiger, Crackhead & Bearcat, or just Bear, who recently adopted us, lol. I think Bear was abandoned by some wanker who moved away, but he's not feral, he's actually starved for affection, which he now gets in an unconditional manner. I even let him sleep inside last night, he was very comfortable sharing the rack in my room, lol. Gotta go, I have a job interview this morning... Cheers!!!   :)
 

TheRealCallie

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I don't think honesty goes over well in today's world. Too many people only looking to be pitied or coddled. It's hard to find truth when all people seem to want to do is find excuses.

What kind of things are you interested in?
 

RandomFella

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Thank you for the kind words, everyone. :)

@Finished
You have good points! It seems almost unavoidable to lose people or friends because of changes. Hm... So it's probably better to have multiple friends. If we lose one, there will always be someone else who would be there for us. I think my mistake was, that I stop looking for new friends, once I've found one.
But I have to admit I'm to be blamed as well. I left someone because I couldn't handle the daily negativity anymore, to always talk about problems. This is something I definitely have to be honest about and keep in mind.

@Sidewinder
I hope the job interview went well!

This is so very true! I'm almost always the only person who doesn't stare on the phone. Like in waiting rooms or public transportations. I mean there is always something happening! The clouds, trees, birds are so lovely to watch! Once I met a black cat in the early night and they accepted my company. I sat down and we watched the night sky together. :) Something like this would never had happened if I were busy with some device, I probably wouldn't even have noticed the cat.
I had 4 guinea pigs when I was younger and each of them had their own unique personality, so I know what you mean! That's so lovely~
I was actually thinking about this the last couple of months, to let some animals live in my home again. Talked around and guess what? Because of the Coronavirus, many people started to buy guinea pigs. Animal shelters? Zoo retailers? Breeders? Nothing, no guinea pigs! :'D But it makes me happy that the animal shelter was pretty much empty. I will see what i can do!
Thank you for the tips though! Very good thoughts. :)

@TheRealCallie
Yeah, I know what you mean. Hm... I seek both, truth and positivity. But those two often don't go well together. It seems like I can only have both at the same time when I stay alone. I mean... I'm weak too, I can't handle much negativity. A person who is always honest might have many negative things to say. But the alternative would be a fake positivity. But what is the worth of it, when it's not true, not real? A vicious circle. I have to think more about this.
But...it really depends. If someone is honest and tells me that my hair looks weird or something, I appreciate this! Or about my grammar, always welcome. But I can't handle people who do nothing but complain about everything.

I love listening to soundtracks. I'm a huge MLP fan and collector. I also enjoy puzzles sometimes and to try new things, such as DIY puzzles (moddeling?). And I'm generally curious about different art forms, I like digital art a lot and I'm still a beginner myself. I'm not sure in which direction I want to go in the future. Maybe comics or even animations, since I love it when things feel alive. :) Since I grew up with Nintendo (I don't play games anymore), I really like creative ideas, family-friendly things. I always liked the idea of friendship stories and animal characters. I guess this is the kind of direction I would like to go. I don't like the typical children shows, it should be smarter and have a lot of depth!

What are your interests? :3
 

M_also_lonely

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You are concerned about why people lose interest in you. But before that, you should wonder, why were they interested in the first place? Well, because deep down, they know that being alone is scary.

It wasn't you that they were interested in. All they needed is a distraction, just like you need. A toy, an entertainment. If you don't see it in someone, do you not go and seek someone who could give you that? That's what they're doing.

I would say, it is a privilege, that your eyes are open to the fact that solitude is an option. For many, it is unacceptable.
 

Sidewinder

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Hey, OP, that interview DID go well, so maybe I start a new job next week, we'll see what happens. I could've already taken a job in Sierra Vista or Tucson, but I loathe commuting with a passion, lol. Probably a holdover from living on the coast in Dago for so many decades, where traffic is INSANE and commuting is a REAL HASSLE. I don't miss that goddam traffic either, I can tell ya that much, lol. 

Here in rural southeastern Arizona, traffic isn't really an issue, but I still dislike the idea of commuting... I did the math when I was offered a local trucking job in Tucson, and it worked out to around 2000 unpaid commuter miles per month. An hour of my own time spent EACH WAY on the drive to the yard where the trucks were parked... it was a "quality of life" issue, ya know? To hell with commuting, it sucks, lol. 

In fact, when ya consider the time wasted and the wear & tear on your own private vehicle, then the lousy $18 per hour job doesn't look so good, lol. For me, life is peaceful here in the boondocks, I don't want to go drive around some shithole like Tucson with all its bad drivers, it's like the Big City there even though that burg only has half a million residents, lol. And those Tucson drivers ARE BAD too, every time I go there I witness narrowly-avoided collisions.

Frankly, I don't even know how Finished stands it in Phoenix, which is WAY WORSE when it comes to traffic. Crazy fools over there drive like morons, and they're downright dangerous to boot, lol. I know too, I used to drive a big truck (18-wheeler) through that hellhole on a regular basis, and it was an absolute clusterfuck, with idiots going every which way at 100 miles per hour, no signals (except perhaps a one-fingered salute, lol). 

Anyway, that's my little rant on commuting, I just won't do it, ya know? It's never worth it, far better to work right near where ya live, even if ya make a little less per hour... and in this small burg where I dwell, nothing is ever that far away, lol. I gotta tell ya, I sure appreciate the 'small town life' after living for decades in a crowded metropolitan beach area... ugh. Sure, I miss the ocean at times, especially since I'm a lifelong small craft sailor, but that's what vacations are for, I reckon. 

One last bit of advice here, since I'm probably older than you are and I've been around since dinosaurs roamed the earth... don't stress too hard on being alone, it takes a strong person to stand alone in this world, so give yourself a bit of credit for having that strength. You'll meet people in due time, and remember this: one good friend is worth a million fake ones, lol. I treasure my good friends, they are like GOLD to me... hell, they're worth MORE than gold!

Friendship is a two-way street, that's another thing to remember... oh, hell, here I am rambling on when I said that was my last bit of advice, lol. Meh, you're young enough to figure things out in due time, some of these hands here really let the negativity get to 'em, aye? Better to stay positive, even if we ARE living in a fucked-up world, lol. It's a choice YOU make: to be NEGATIVE or POSITIVE. And I know, hell, I was raised on hardcore punk trash like the Sex Pistols & the Dead Kennedys, so my attitude was REALLY FUCKING SHITTY for a long time, lol. Now I know better... CHEERS!!!   :cool:
 

RandomFella

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@M_also_lonely

I understand.

In general, I reached a point in life where most forms of entertainment do not satisfy me anymore. At all. I don't watch movies anymore, I don't play games anymore, almost nothing. And for the same reason do most relationships not work for me anymore. When the focus is fun and to entertain each other. A meaningless distraction. I feel nothing but emptiness here.
I think the answer is love, true love. Love is not about fun, it's just about feeling good and it never becomes boring.

Hm... I think the problem is when "love" starts to have conditions. When it comes to other humans, I always hope to receive some love in return. And when I don't receive it, it makes me sad. But...I didn't feel this way when it came to my pets. I gave them food and everything they need and it just felt good, I didn't expect anything in return. Or the love we (hopefully) feel towards our parents.
This is definitely a topic I have to think more about. Maybe learning and understanding more about true love can help with loneliness too? Maybe it can influence how we feel towards others, to not have expectations anymore.


@Sidewinder

Ah, then this job is definitely the better option for you. Let's see how it goes!

I have to say I always lived in a rather small village and the best thing is how quiet it is here~ The village, not my neighbours! Once I stayed in a hotel in the middle of a city and...it wasn't the kind of life I could imagine for myself. The whole day, they would constantly work on something. Loud machines the whole day. And in the night? Drunken people, loud screams, everything. Being there, simply looking out of the window, it felt claustrophobic, being able to only see other large buildings.

To me, being alone was usually the best and most peaceful option. I never wanted to be part of rotten groups, hurtful people of any sort. For a long time, these groups were the only option for a non lone wolf person here.

I will remember. :) A lot to think about now, haha.


I like this place, it makes happy to meet such nice people here. I thank everyone who took the time to reply here and I hope I can return the favor in the future. :3
 

Sidewinder

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Haha, I hear ya... NYC was an interesting place to visit, but I damned sure wouldn't wanna live there. In fact, I'm DONE with life in the Big City, I may ease out to the coast to go sailing once in awhile, but that's the only reason I'd have other than visiting friends & family who still live in San Diego.

As for pets, they offer unconditional love, which is the best kind... too many humans have conditions or expectations which invariably botch the whole scene, lol. That's why I don't expect too much from any humans nowadays, I realize that we're a flawed species due to Hollywood programming and media bullshit. I still watch movies though, especially the older Westerns for their magnificent scenery, lol.

One thing cool about this site is that you'll definitely get various perspectives and answers to questions... moi, I believe every man and woman has a story to tell, and how they tell it is equally important. I know it's easy to get caught up in negative thinking, since the world can be an ugly place at times, but I try to focus upon the positive aspects, and stick to wilderness venues for their natural beauty, lol.

And I often meet like-minded people out there, folks who'd rather be outdoors than stuck in some foul city, aye? And those are my kinda people... well, I have a thing for those country gals who ride rodeo too, some of those barrel racers are damned good-looking (and fit!), and those horses of theirs can turn on a dime and give ya 9 cents change, lol. I've become a big rodeo fan since I moved to Arizona.

I usually get my horsepower by twisting a throttle, but I have a lot of respect for those gals who form such a close bond with their horses... the guys too, there are some damned good riders in rodeo, and those bullriders and bronc busters are half-crazy, the way they get thrashed out there as they give it their best, lol. Definitely a younger person's sport, but still fun to watch... one of those mean ol' bulls would probably finish me off in the arena, yeah? Hafta wear a pistol during my ride, just in case, lol.

Well, I'm back to my 'Will Tanner' Western by author William W. Johnstone, that's a great series of books, they really take one back to the Old West... and the Midwest when it was still the frontier. My favorite authors are still Nevil Shute, C.S. Forester, Arthur Conan Doyle, Robert Louis Stevenson, Edgar Allan Poe, Jack London & Mark Twain, but some of these Western authors are damned good, lol. American & U.K. authors, go figure.

CHEERS!!!   :cool:
 

RandomFella

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@Sidewinder
How does sailing feel like? Is it relaxing or more like a little adventure? :)

It is easier for me to see love in different aspects of life. If you are open to it, you can see love in all kinds of things. Even when you drink from a mug, it doesn't complain, but silently provides you with tasty water. Or other acts. When I walk on the field while it's summer, I watch watch the ground most of the time to not step on insects. We can have many of those little happy moments in our lives if we want it. After some time, all those small moments become a huge mountain of happiness.

I don't think I will completely avoid movies though. I can see myself rewatching the old Asterix movies at some point. Or my favorite animations on YouTube, they are usually a few minutes long which is perfect for inbetween~

You are right! It feels like I'm talking to actual people here. And it feels honest. On most other sites it feels more like I'm talking to human copies. Trying to fit in, right? Personal, I value the nature of things. Mentally and physically. People without make-up look so nice~ Or being just themselves lets them shine. My passed away neighbour was always complaining about something, but it didn't feel negative for some reason. He was natural, he talked about facts, not with hate. And we could always laugh about it. He became pretty old, so I'm happy for him. Such a nice dude. :) It's just sad that in our world this uniqueness is not valued by so many people, that it makes things harder for everyone and leads to more unnecessary negative feelings. It's a difficult decision everyone has to make for themselves. Becoming a human copy or being just natural. Or a weird mix of both. In my experience it's harder to be a copy, ironically. Because...when I'm just a "weirdo", people would simply avoid me and not care about me. But I still can "do what I want". That's the good thing about that many people are just focused on themselves, they leave us alone with our lovely quirks. But when I become a copy, I have to accept not only the...good things, but also all the misery that comes with it. There is much of the latter, I assume.

Sounds like a very lovely place where you live~ Many people, especially most of the younger ones, move away from my little village to live in cologne or other crowded places. I can only imagine to move away, if I would find a place with actual nature, a place that is even quieter. The lack of nature and dirty air are basically the only problems here. The rain is "black" (dirty) and for many people it's not worth it to wash their cars, haha.
 

Slick

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I don't think honesty goes over well in today's world. Too many people only looking to be pitied or coddled. It's hard to find truth when all people seem to want to do is find excuses.

What kind of things are you interested in?
I completely 100% agree with you...
 

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