Bender's Journal: Part 2

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bender22

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Well so much for that.. I sent her a message last night and no reply.

Maybe I did do too much talking. I probably could have done a few other things better as well. I could have had a bit more banter and teasing. Might have made the conversation too logical/serious. Or maybe I just wasn't her type. Strange though considering we both had very similar interests.

Oh well, on the plus side I have several other conversations going right now with girls from hinge and bumble that are going well. 2 or 3 that should lead to dates. All of them I'd be quite excited to meet up with.

Although I haven't been as active on the dating apps so far and haven't been on as many dates as usual, I do seem to be getting some better quality matches and dates. And I'd much rather quality over quantity right now.
 

bender22

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I've had three more dates in the last week.

First date was probably the best one. The girl was very cheerful and easy to talk to. She was a little shy to start with but seemed to open up once she got more comfortable with me. I tried to ask her more questions and allow her to talk about herself more this time.

Second date was disappointing in that the girl didn't really look like she did in her photos. I should have really seen the warning signs earlier.

She was fine to talk to but she was rapidly firing off questions. Felt a bit like an interview which was strange. I've noticed a few other girls do this before. Maybe it's partly a nervousness thing.

The third one was an interesting one. This girl really isn't what I'm looking for in a relationship. And even though I saw some of the signs that she wasn't really my type even before meeting, I think I overlooked those signs because I found her physically attractive.

Despite having fairly different personalities the date was still fine. I had her laughing quite a lot which is a good sign but I got the sense that she wasn't very attracted to me towards the end of the date.

What's interesting is that on both the second and third date, I knew the girl wasn't really right for me. But on the second date, I didn't really care at all if the girl liked me. Yet on the third date, I noticed myself hoping she would like me. Then it seemed to bother me when I got the sense she wasn't very attracted.

I guess that's because I found her a lot more physically attractive than the girl from date two. But I don't think that's very healthy to be wanting the girl to like you just because of her physical appearance.

On the positive side, I'm glad that I'm developing the self awareness to observe these things. My self awareness is definitely improving a lot. Which as I've mentioned in previous posts, is something I'm actively working on this year.

On another positive note, I think I'm finally finding a better balance between my dating life and professional/business life. In the last month or so, I've been managing to stay focused and be productive with my work and side projects.

But at the same time, spend enough focus on dating and the apps to have at least a moderately active dating life. As I've mentioned before I've always found it very difficult to strike a balance between these two areas of my life.
 

bender22

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I had a date with a Colombian girl last week from Bumble. The date went fine but it was pretty obvious at the end that we weren't compatible for each other.

I've dated several Colombians and South American girls in the past. But I think in general, these South American girls are too right brain/emotional for me so it just never really works out. I'm a lot more left brain/analytical type of person and I probably come across as being cold and unemotional to these girls.

I was aware of that going into this date but part of me was just hoping this girl might be different. Of course, she wasn't. Very classic right brain, carpe diem South American girl. Not that there's really anything wrong with that. It just doesn't mix well with my personality type.

It's interesting to compare the differences between girls from different parts of the world. I've met and dated girls from all over the world since I began this journey.

As I've mentioned many times before, there are a lot of things I don't like about Australian girls. They tend to be very entitled, many have some serious mental health issues, they can be hard to talk to, many are plain stupid. I don't want to generalize too much though. I have obviously met some great Aussie girls but they seem to be the exception.

My experiences with American girls have been fairly positive. I know many would have those same negative traits as Aussie girls, which seems to be common among western, anglo saxon countries. But in general I've found American girls to be able to hold a much better conversation than the average Aussie girl.

Asian girls can vary a lot depending on which country they're from. I've found a lot of Thai, Phillipino and other South East Asian girls have probably been a bit too influenced by Western culture, especially if they have been living in a Western country for a while. The South East Asian girls who constantly post of social media tend to have some mental issues. But other ones can be great.

Chinese and Japanese girls usually tend to be very friendly but can be hard to connect with and talk to unless they have been living in a Western country for a while.

I've had some great experiences with Indian girls and find many of them very physically attractive. They seem to be a good middle ground between Asian and Western girls. Although, like with Thai and Filippinos, some have been a bit too influenced by Western culture. How active they are on social media is a pretty good indicator of their mental stability again lol.

European girls vary a lot depending on which part of Europe. Spanish girls tend to be very similar to Latino girls so they're probably not a good match for me. I used to meet a lot of German girls in my old city and found them to be pretty good overall. Unfortunately there aren't many Germans where I'm living now.

I don't meet so many Eastern European girls here but the ones I have met seemed pretty good. Seems like they haven't been so heavily influenced by Western culture/social media.

I don't mean to sound like I'm anti-western culture here, I'm not really. But the heavy use of social media, the mainstream media, poor diet and feminist movements in Western culture I think have really influenced women in a bad way (and a lot of guys as well).

.................

Aside from that, I probably need to work on getting some more social interaction in my life again. So far this year, my social life has been almost non-existent.

Several reasons for this... Trying to avoid covid. I've been occupied with business and real estate stuff. Probably partly because I lost some hope in building a social life in this city over the last year. An increasing comfort in solitude. And I've just had other priorities.

But I would really like to develop some closer friendships this year and get out more. I don't need or desire a big group of friends and a very active social life. But I would like a small group of close friends that I connect really well with. That's definitely one thing missing in my life right now.

I sometimes think, if I were to meet the right girl and get married, who the hell would I actually invite to my wedding lol. It would be nice to have a few more close friends that I could add to the guest list haha.

A friend of mine has just moved back to my city so at least that will give me someone to go out with and meet new people.

As much as I suck at salsa dancing, it probably wouldn't hurt to get back to some salsa classes like I was doing a while ago. If I do that, I just need to be more proactive in meeting people there.

I'd also like to try going to some cooking classes. Since I'm trying to improve my cooking skills this year, it's a good chance to accomplish two goals at once. Just not sure what type of people I'd meet at these classes. Hopefully there would be some like-minded people around my age.

It would help with my dating life as well to be more social again. Obviously when you're outside interacting with others, there will be opportunities to meet women. But also just to get me back in a more social frame of mind, which should carry over into my dates.

Right now, I work Monday to Friday. Usually come home and spend my time alone. And even on weekends I seem to spend most of my time alone. Then when I do go on dates, I'm having to quickly shift into social mode which can be hard to do.
 

bender22

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I'm planning to shift a lot more of my attention back into dating at least for this month. So far this year, dating has definitely been a lower priority. And my results have really suffered as a consequence.

Yes I have been on some dates from hinge and bumble and I've been getting matches. But not one of them has turned into a second date and almost nothing has happened on those dates I've been on.

As I mentioned in my previous post, there have been other things occupying my attention this year...I've been trying to purchase an investment property, which I've just completed in the last month! Now with that almost complete besides some paperwork, I should have some more time to dedicate to dating.

One thing I've noticed recently is I haven't been very effective with my messaging on online dating. In the last couple of years when I have had success with online dating, I was very strategic with my messaging. I was thinking through my approach much more clearly. Thinking 2 or 3 steps ahead.

In recent times, I seem to be just shooting out messages and hoping for the best. Sometimes it works and I'm able to set up a date. But more often than not, it's not leading anywhere.

I feel like I've almost forgotten how to message effectively on these apps. I'll have a conversation going but I just don't know what to do with it. I feel lost with it. I don't know what message I should be sending and where I should be leading the conversation. And as a result I'm just wasting a lot of these matches I'm getting.

Whereas, a while ago when I was spending more time on the apps and getting good results, I always seemed to know what would be the best message to send and I was able to think about it much more strategically.

In 2020 when I had my most successful year from online dating, I was participating in a paid Facebook group for mens dating. Looking back now, I think that was a big reason for the success I had that year.

I ended up leaving that group because it was very focused on hookups and I was trying to search for something more serious. But I think I could still apply a lot of the methods taught in that group to find something more serious.

It was seeing the examples of others in the group and what messages they were sending on dating apps, how they had their profiles set up, how they were thinking about their messaging...that really helped me to think more strategically about my messages and be much more effective.

So I think I'll sign up for that group again, at least for a month.

I'm can't remember if I've already mentioned it in here but one of my goals for this year is to host a dinner date, where I cook for a girl. I figured this goal would push me to improve my cooking skills and also find a girl I like to cook for.

My cooking is coming along nicely so far this year and I've got a few recipes in mind that could be good to make for this date. But I just need to find a girl who I want to cook for. Hopefully this increased focus on dating over the next month or so will help with that.
 

bender22

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As I was planning in my last post, I have shifted more attention back into dating in the last month.

Unfortunately that hasn't yielded a lot of success so far. This is partly because I was away in my hometown for a week and then I caught covid after that.

Covid was bad timing because I had to cancel three dates that I'd planned because of it. And so far I haven't been able to successfully reschedule those dates.

I am starting to get a bit sharper with my texting on the dating apps. I've been more purposeful in leading the conversation towards a date which is good. But I have been getting stuck more than I'd like to and having conversations that lead to nowhere.

I went out last night with a couple of friends for a while. Felt like my social skills were definitely not as sharp as they have been in the past. This is probably because I just haven't been socialising much at all this year.

I also wasn't really enjoying it either. While we were out at the bar I couldn't help feeling like I wanted to go home and be alone.

While we were out, we got talking to a group of girls at the bar. The others went to get drinks and I was left alone with just one of the girls. I used the opportunity to talk to her at least but my conversational skills were definitely not as strong as they have been in the past. It felt like going back to a sport you haven't played in 12 months.

I was able to keep the conversation running until the others returned but it was just very timid and felt like it was going nowhere. And it was very timid. I need to be a lot more assertive and confident when talking to girls.

At another point during the night, I was sitting with the friends I came with and noticed one girl looking over in my direction making eye contact with me. She was actually fairly attractive too. I should have been thinking about approaching her but instead I just sat there, happy with the validation that an attractive girl was looking at me. The idea of approaching her barely even entered my mind.

It's disappointing because I feel like my dating and social skills have really suffered after the last few years of not going out as much due to the pandemic. And I'm frustrated that I'm not getting as many dates as I'd like to.

I definitely have a lot of work to do if I want to improve this area of my life again.
 

bender22

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Still not making the progress I'm wanting despite focusing more attention on dating again. I've had one date since my last post.. Which felt like it went alright but then I never heard back from the girl afterwards.

Not sure what I'm doing wrong on my dates this year. I used to feel like dates were a strength for me but now I'm just not getting anywhere with them.

I do at least have some more activity on the dating apps in the last few weeks but not many conversations that are leading to dates.

I seem to be going wrong somewhere lately. When you compare my results this year to the last few years, it's pretty abysmal. Although was very distracted by other things for the first 4 months of the year.
 

bender22

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Finally feel like I'm moving in the right direction and making some progress with this again since my last post.

Over the last few weeks I've really started dedicating a lot more of my focus towards dating again and it's starting to pay off. For the last 18 months, it's really been a secondary focus and sort of been on maintenance mode for me which is why the results have really dropped off.

The annoying thing is that I'm having to sacrifice other areas of my life for it. I've been focused heavily on finance and career over the last 6 months and have been getting some momentum in those areas. But if I want my dating life to get back on track, I know those other areas need to take a backseat for a while.

One thing that's really helped is getting back into the dating mastermind group I've spoken about previously. This is the group I was in back in 2020 when I was getting some of the best results of my life. But then I left it because I wanted to focus on other things.

But participating in a group full of guys all wanting to improve their dating lives does make a big difference. And I've been getting some great advice from the group. Makes me realise I'd been making some big mistakes with my approach to online dating and dates over the last 18 months.

Now I'm starting to get some momentum and move in the right direction but I think it's probably going to take at least another month of really immersing myself in this stuff to start getting the results I want.

DATES

I had two more dates last weekend. None of them lead to anything but there were a few things I did much better compared to other dates I've had this year. And I took the time to really analyze both dates afterwards, which I learned a lot from.

I'm confident that time spent analyzing the dates will help me get better results from the dates I have over the next few months.

A few notes from those two dates last weekend...

  • I was starting to do a better job of bringing up more sexual topics again. Especially in the second date. This is something I really haven't done very well in other dates this year.
  • I think for me it's extremely important to try to get away from platonic discussions on my dates and talk about more sexual stuff. I naturally come across as more of a 'nice guy' and the sexual topics will help to balance out this nice guy perception.
  • I also fear that since I may come across and more of a nice, refined guy compared to a lot of other guys on the app, many girls will be afraid to show more of their 'naughty side' (for lack of a better term) - they might be afraid I'd judge them for that. By bringing up more sexual topics, it shows them I'm more open minded and non-judgemental, giving them permission to open up and show me the other side of their personality.
  • While I did manage to get onto more sexual topics for a while, the conversation did end up slipping back into more platonic, logical conversation for a long time. I really need to avoid getting stuck on these platonic, logical conversation threads for too long
  • I was trying to focus on my tone of voice - expressing more sexuality and attraction through it. I did this well at times. But on the first date we went to a loud bar and it was extremely difficult to do so over the noise. Need to be more mindful of this in the future and go to locations that aren't so loud.
Perhaps one of the biggest realizations I had after analyzing these dates was that they were seriously missing flirtatious banter. It's something I so often forget to do but when I do add this in, it makes a big difference.

I remember one of my best dates from last year was when I decided to really focus on flirting with and teasing the girl. That date went really well and I ended up seeing that girl a few more times afterwards.

A good level of flirting and banter just makes the interaction more fun (especially for the girl) and makes it feel like there is more of a spark. It also helps to get away from the very logical style of conversation I so often get caught up in.
 

Claudia1794

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Maybe just tell her what you think. If you want to taste her tell her. I mean who doesnt want to taste something that smells delicious. I'd clench my thighs for a man bold enough to say what he wants.
 

bender22

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Maybe just tell her what you think. If you want to taste her tell her. I mean who doesnt want to taste something that smells delicious. I'd clench my thighs for a man bold enough to say what he wants.
I'd love to taste her ;)

DATES

Had a really good date last night, probably my best so far this year. I did an excellent job texting to set this one up. We matched on hinge and I managed to set it up so she would come straight to my place.

As you know if you read this journal, I usually meet girls at a bar for first dates. But when you can get her to come straight to your place, it's like starting a race with a head start.

I told her we'd meet out the front of my building and go for a walk down to the park first before we went inside. This was important because it gave her the chance to see that I'm a normal guy first and establish some chemistry before she came into my apartment.

By the time we got back to my apartment she clearly already very comfortable with me. From there we watched some TV, chatted, got takeaway to have in my place, I taught her how to salsa dance, we had some cuddles...

Compared to my usual date which consists of getting drinks at the bar and maybe going for a walk, it was more of an experience. And I think providing that experience, really increases the chances that the girl will want to meet up again. She said at the end that she had a really good time and would like to do it again.

Of course, I've had girls say that before and then never want to catch up a second time. But I'd be very surprised if this girl didn't want to meet up again.

Besides that, I really enjoyed the date myself. She had a good personality and we had good chemistry. Felt more like we'd known each other for a long time, compared to many of my other dates this year where it felt more like we were just getting to know each other.

I'd mentioned in my last post that I need to focus more on teasing and flirty banter so that was something I focused a lot more on this time. And it worked really well. Teasing and flirty banter isn't exactly one of my strengths but when I'm in the right frame of mind and having a good time, I can pull it off. It also helps when the girl has the right personality and reciprocates, which this girl did.

There were still a few things I could have done better but it was overall a big improvement on other dates I've had recently.

ONLINE DATING/TEXTING

I've been actively trying to improve on my texting on online dating apps in the last few weeks. And it's really starting to pay off.

I'm starting to develop more of a strategy behind my texts - rather than just sending random messages and hoping it will lead somewhere.

Before I send a message, I'm trying to think about what I want to accomplish with the message and where the message could lead to. That alone is making a big difference. At the moment, I'm having to put quite a lot of thought into the messages I send to try to move the conversation in the direction I want. But hopefully with some more practice that should start to become faster.

As I mentioned already, I did a very good job texting the girl from the date above. Part of the reason the date went so well was because I'd already done a lot of the groundwork through my texts to her.

I've got another date tonight. And another one planned for Tuesday night. I feel like both of these should go fairly well because my texting to them was much more on point.

The girl I'm seeing on Tuesday night looks very attractive in her photos and the conversation I had with her through Hinge was one of my best in a long time.
 

bender22

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Good man. Sounds like chess. Strategy is good.
Chess is a really good analogy for this.

I had another really good date last night. There were a couple of things I wanted to focus on improving on this date..

1. Show more intent - this is something I've really done poorly on dates for a long time. I'm afraid to show intent, compliment the girl, say what I like about her. I think there are a few fears behind this

  • I'm afraid that it will make me look needy
  • I'm afraid that it will give her the power and make it look like I'm the one chasing her
  • I'm afraid that it will make me vulnerable, especially if she doesn't reciprocate
But by never showing any intent, I think it's really backfired on me for a long time. Some girls probably wonder if I even like them.

I'm realising now that this is probably one of the reasons why I often get stuck in a very platonic stage.

So I made more effort on this last night and although I still could have done it better, it was much better than most of my other recent dates and it did seem to help.

2. Taking more risks to move things forward

I've had far too many dates in my life where I played it too safe and was afraid to take any risks that could result in a rejection. So many dates where I've been afraid to go for a kiss, talk about more sexual topics or invite her back to my place...

My goal last night was to at least invite her back to my apartment if we were getting along well. Which I did and she did agree to come back.

Obviously you don't want to take stupid risks. But I think more calculated risks like this one actually help a lot to build attraction. It seems like most women appreciate a guy who is willing to take some risks - it demonstrates a lot of attractive qualities like confidence and leadership.

3. More flirtatious banter and teasing

This is something I've been working on in my last four or five dates and have discussed in previous posts. Definitely starting to get better at this and having fun with it. When done correctly, it creates a much better dynamic for the interaction.

So overall it was a very good date. She was a cool girl who I'd like to see again. And she sent me a text this morning saying that she had a good time and would like to see me again.
 

Claudia1794

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I applaud your energy and effort with women. Just do what feels natural. Read the situation, watch how she moves, if she touches you, if her cheeks flush, basic stuff. Compliments are good but don't overdo it. Also, strong suggestion here, do not dominate the conversation. This has always been a hang up for me and other women I know. But like I said, suggestion. Also, keep it up and don't let the ones that don't work out get you down.
 

bender22

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I applaud your energy and effort with women. Just do what feels natural. Read the situation, watch how she moves, if she touches you, if her cheeks flush, basic stuff. Compliments are good but don't overdo it. Also, strong suggestion here, do not dominate the conversation. This has always been a hang up for me and other women I know. But like I said, suggestion. Also, keep it up and don't let the ones that don't work out get you down.
Thanks Claudia and yes I think that's all good advice

I've had two more dates since my last post. Last weekend I had a second date with the girl from my previous post.

I was expecting this date to go really well considering that we both had a good time on the first date.

Unfortunately it was a big disappointment. I was going to use the word failure there but changed it to disappointment. Yes it was a failure in a sense but it did teach me a few important lessons which will help me in the future. So in that way it was a good thing.

Long story short, we had drinks at a bar. I thought it was actually going fairly well at that point. We then decided to leave that bar.

At that point, I suggested going back to my place. She said she couldn't because she had to get up early the next morning. I tried to persuade her a little but didn't persist too much.

We then walked around that area for another 20 minutes or so, just chatting. She then said she wanted to talk about something. She asked me where I thought things were going between us. She said she wasn't sure what the vibe was between us then ended up cutting the date short.

I was honestly caught off guard by this because I thought things were going pretty well. And it was such an abrupt shift in her attitude. She told me she'd have to think about things and whether she wanted to continue seeing each other.

Of course, at that point I knew she'd already made up her mind. But I didn't understand why.

She messaged me the day after saying she didn't feel the connection so she didn't want to meet up again. I wanted to get some feedback so I could better understand what went wrong and her perspective.

I asked her about it and she told me that she just didn't feel like there was much of a spark between us on the second date and she felt like the conversation was a bit forced. I'm sure that was true, although I think there was probably a more to it and she wouldn't tell me anything else. Which was a bit annoying.

This 'rejection' did play on my mind more than it normally would. I think it was harder to swallow because the first date had gone well and she seemed to be quite attracted to me at that point - she said herself she had a really good time on the first date.

When I analyzed the second date later on, I did recognize some mistakes I made and things I could have done better.

My second date was with a girl from bumble last night. This one went much better.

For this date, I was trying to focus on being more relaxed and grounded. I think that was one of my main mistakes in the previous date. We'd gone to a fairly loud, busy bar for drink and I felt like I had to be more high energy to compete with the environment. Unfortunately that doesn't come naturally to me and I think she picked up on that.

So for the date last night, I picked a much quieter bar for drinks where it would be easier for me to be more relaxed and grounded. That definitely worked a lot better.

After getting drinks, I suggested going for a walk to see the view nearby. Looking back now, I could have done that a lot earlier.

At the spot I took her to look at the view it was very quiet with nobody else around so that made it even easier to be more grounded and also get closer to her and build more sexual tension. We sat on a park bench looking at the view and I sat right up close to her.

From there we ended up making out and I did a decent job of building up the sexual tension. I suggested that we go back to my place, which she agreed to. While I didn't explicitly say let's go back to my place to have sex, the implication was pretty clear.

So this was a big improvement from the previous date. And although the previous date did sting a bit, the lessons I took away from that date helped me to have a more successful date last night.

After the last weekend's date I was getting down on myself and having some pretty negative thoughts. But there is a lot to be positive about. I've now brought three new girls to my place just in the last month. That's after not bringing any new girls back to my place all year. So I'm making progress again.

My texting is improving. I'm setting up more dates. I'm learning from my mistakes and starting to have more success on my dates. Definitely a big improvement compared to two months ago. But there is a lot more that I could do better still.
 

bender22

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Last month I definitely had some improvement in the results I was getting in my dating life. But I didn't quite reach the success I had hoped to at the beginning of the month.

When I looked back at the end of the month, I realised that probably my main problem was not setting up enough dates. The dates I did have were fairly good but there just weren't enough of them.

And I think the reason for that came down to my texting. I had enough matches to work with on the dating apps but I think I was trying to be a too clever with my messages and trying a style of texting that was a bit incongruent with me. So the percentage of those matches converting into dates was very low.

So this month, I'm just trying to focus on setting up more dates. I already had a date during the week which went really well (I'll get to that shortly), I'm seeing that girl again tonight. I should have another date tomorrow night and possibly two more next week.

The date I had during the week was great. I was trying to focus on just being relaxed, chill and flirty. Think my overall vibe on dates has improved significantly in the last few months, I've definitely learned from some of the mistakes I was making earlier in the year.

We ended up making out and I probably could've invited her back to my place but I had to be up early the next morning so I thought I'd just try to set up a second date later and bring her to my place then (which is exactly what I've done).

I have noticed that on these dates when I get to the point where it's getting more intimate (like when we're kissing at least), I can then go a bit quiet and make things a little awkward. Not sure exactly why that is..

Maybe I get inside my head and start overthinking too much... like thinking about what the next move is..

So that is one thing I could improve on. But at least I'm getting to that point now, which I was struggling to get to earlier in the year.
 

bender22

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The second date I had with the girl from my previous post went well. I had her come straight to my place and we had a really fun night.

The other date I had planned for the weekend was an interesting one.

This girl was definitely my type in terms of physical appearance. I think the fact that I found her very physically attractive might have worked against me and put me in my head a little bit. And maybe I was a little more reluctant to take risks because I didn't want to mess things up.

But overall, I don't think I let that affect me as much as it has in the past when I've met women I find really attractive.

There was a few things I think I did really well on this date. My non-verbal communication was strong. I used my tonality well - shifting between a more flirty tone, a sexual tone and a more casual tone. My eye contact was also strong.

I threw in some good teases which she responded really well too. I probably could have done a little more of that.

I also had a good balance of compliments and teases. As I've mentioned in the past, I have often have a hard time giving out compliments but this time I was able to do that much better - without overdoing it.

We went to a bar and I suggested going for a walk after one drink. On a positive note, I didn't wait too long to move on from the bar like I often do on dates.

We sat on a park bench and she mentioned that she was cold. It would've been an easy opportunity to put my arm around her, pull her in.. Which is exactly what I did on my last date. But I was too afraid to make a move this time..

I think the problem was that I just couldn't read her very well. I really wasn't sure if she liked me or hated me. I'm getting better at picking up on cues but this girl was difficult. I was more so leaning towards thinking that she didn't like me.

At the end of the date, I drove her back to her place. I was honestly expecting to hear "oh it was lovely to meet you, good bye" (i.e. you're nice but I don't want to see you again) but she actually said she had a really good time (which seemed quite genuine) and then sent me a good night text after I left.

So it seems like I misread her a bit. If I'd been able to realize that she did like me earlier on, then I could have taken more risks. Hopefully I don't get categorized as a weak nice guy because of that.
 

bender22

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I've had a few more dates since my last post. I had a third date with the girl from my last post. Enjoying spending time with her.

The other girl from my previous post went quiet after that date. Which I sort of expected since I played it too safe as I mentioned in that post. Playing it safe just doesn't work 90% of the time.

That point can be illustrated by comparing that date to another date I had later that week..

The date I had later in the week was similar to the one from my previous post in many ways. Conversation was fairly good. I teased her a little, made her laugh. Then as with the first date, I took her for a walk after having a drink.

But the difference was that I actually took a risk at that point and went for a kiss with her. She actually turned her head and gave me the cheek. Which I haven't had happen for a long time.

But the interesting thing is that despite my 'risk' seemingly not paying off and getting the cheek when I went for the kiss, this girl actually wanted to see me again. She basically organised the second date herself.

And I think that's largely because I didn't play it too safe she respected me for that.

I later found out that the only reason she gave me the cheek when I went for the kiss was because she was really nervous, it wasn't that she didn't like me.

I had a second date with her on the weekend, which also went well and this time I was able to kiss her.

The other date I had was on the weekend. Unfortunately I just didn't find myself attracted to this girl at all so it ended up being a pretty platonic conversation.

I've got another date planned for tonight and then possibly one more on the weekend.
 

bender22

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Another first date during the week. I think I did pretty well on this one and had a good time. Seemed to strike a good balance between more serious getting to know her discussion and flirtatious/sexual tension.

Perhaps the one thing I could have done better would have been to push the conversation in a more sexual direction. I missed some good opportunities to do that.

My dates are now going far better than they were earlier in the year. The first half of 2022 I wasn't getting any second dates and I wasn't even getting any kisses on my dates. Lately, nearly every date has been leading to a second date or at least a kiss.

I also had more dates in September than I have had in a long time. A month ago, I recognised that the main thing stopping me from getting the results I want was that I just wasn't going on enough dates. So I fixed that issue in September.

My challenge at the moment is maintaining the motivation to keep pursuing this stuff as heavily as I have in recent months. It's been taking a lot of time invested on dating apps, texting back and forth and going on dates. And there is a part of me that feels that time could be better spent elsewhere.

A couple of months ago I was excited about putting more focus into this area of my life again. I was reading lots of dating content, taking time to analyse my messages on the dating apps and the dates I was going on. But a lot of that enthusiasm has dwindled. Unfortunately, I know that if I take my foot off the pedal now, my results will quickly suffer.
 

bender22

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Update

The girl from that last post I ended up seeing her a few more times. She's gone a bit quiet over the last week or so but I'm ok with that since I've got other options at the moment anyway.

Another girl who I've mentioned previously in several posts on here, I'm continuing to spend time with. We've probably been seeing each other for 4-5 weeks now.

At the moment, it's not too serious but it probably has the most potential to turn into something more serious than any of the other girls I've seen recently. I like her and she has a lot of qualities that I look for in a girl. But I'm not sure if she's exactly what I'm looking for in a long term, exclusive partner. I guess I'm open to that possibility.

Whether it's this girl or someone else, I'm becoming more interested in the idea of a serious relationship again. One of my best friends got married just recently and I guess seeing that made me feel like I am missing out on something.
 

bender22

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I just wrote out a much longer post and then accidentally closed the tab before posting. Very annoying! So I'll keep this one short.

In my last post I mentioned the girl I was starting to see more often. We were actually getting fairly close. But then she started asking questions about what we were and whether I wanted anything more serious.

I was enjoying spending time with her but being honest, I couldn't see myself wanting to enter a committed relationship with her. She was great in many ways but just didn't have quite what I was looking for.

So that all ended a few weeks ago.

Haven't been on any other dates recently until this weekend.

Friday night, I had a date with a girl at the bar. I ended up taking her home. Don't think I really did anything special on this date. But I didn't make any real mistakes and I think she was just in the mood to hook up.

Saturday night I had another date at the same bar. Went pretty well. Good mix of banter and more serious conversation.

We went for a walk after getting drinks and we kissed. The date went for about 3 hours and there were no awkward moments or long silences.

Overall I did many things well. But possibly could have complimented her more. And also could have made the conversation more sexual earlier on. But she definitely had a good time either way and we're already talking about plans to see each other again.
 

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