Better half staying away due to depression. How do I handle it?

[Lostnfound]

Hi, my wife had a extremely bad depression episode during covid lockdowns and has been on medications and not improving ever since then. i got to know she had depression before we met but didn't tell me about it earlier and stopped taking medicines back then.
She wanted to live with her parents till she feels better but it's been 5 months and she doesn't want to come home, whenever I ask her about it she says iam not ok yet but can somehow talk about buying things online. Iam worried all the time about her and that's making me depressed.I love her a lot but i haven't recieved the love that i have given.

What might be wrong? In depression you don't want to live with you partner at all- love is gone? I met her doctor and was told she likes getting attention, can that be true? I didn't believe the doctor at the time. Though she did had some childhood traumas and not ready to take counseling session at all.
She doesn't feel like doing anything wakesup at 11 in the morning and rests till evening though currently on meds but even before medication she wasn't very active type didn't use to help in daily chores.

I think iam too attached and she's not.I want to talk things through about it but fearing her depression might get worse i never talk. How should I handle things? I think its turning toxic for me.
Hope to get some answers.

 

[Finished]

First, welcome to the forum!

That sounds like a tough situation. You want to help her. But, she wants to do it on her own. Or, she doesn't want you to help her. Without knowing her real motivation the only thing you can do is give her space and hope for the best. I would try really hard to sit down and speak with her parents alone. I have a feeling they know the entire story. There may be many things you are not aware off and your wife doesn't want you to know.

 

[user 188685]

First, welcome to the forum!

That sounds like a tough situation. You want to help her. But, she wants to do it on her own. Or, she doesn't want you to help her. Without knowing her real motivation the only thing you can do is give her space and hope for the best. I would try really hard to sit down and speak with her parents alone. I have a feeling they know the entire story. There may be many things you are not aware off and your wife doesn't want you to know.

Hello and welcome I agree with Finished

 

[Lostnfound]

First, welcome to the forum!

That sounds like a tough situation. You want to help her. But, she wants to do it on her own. Or, she doesn't want you to help her. Without knowing her real motivation the only thing you can do is give her space and hope for the best. I would try really hard to sit down and speak with her parents alone. I have a feeling they know the entire story. There may be many things you are not aware off and your wife doesn't want you to know.

I do want to help her but i don't think she wants help and likes her comfort zone and keeps getting angry stops talking for days at times and iam worried like hell. I've done all that i could do, read soo much about depression and migraines that she has, I've been trying to figure out thing. now i know what food and weather conditions can trigger migraine but she doesn't listen to me at all. Her parents knew everything and never told anyone, she got reports of severe depression and anxiety panic attacks before marrige. I took her to best doctors i could find, everyone of them told she needs to excercise and keep her self buzy which she just doesn't do and like taking pills for everything i think her doctor started meds schizophrenia also. Whenever I plan an outing she falls ill may it be migraine or depression and says we don't go out. Never expresses love and says i dont know how to, which she did earlier even in letters .. It's so confusing for me and i feel lost. I'm a peace loving person - live and let live kind. I don't talk to people and friends either about it so iam here seeking help.

In between my Dad passed away, she was not there by my side when it happened. came like other relatives and went back after few days. I was all alone during this time and till now. Iam concerned and we only talk on phone now about if you've taken meds and eating proper food that's all we talk about.
I don't see any light now. What do you think I should do?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to the forum.

I think you should stop worrying about her and stop focusing on yourself. You can't force her to come back. Set up a day or time to talk and/or see each other and just live your life. Find new hobbies, meet new people, etc. (I am NOT telling you to date) There's no sense in both of you being stuck down a hole because of her decisions.
It's sad, but if someone doesn't want help, they won't allow anything to help.

I'm sorry about your dad.

 

[user 188522]

You can’t make someone love you. And you shouldn’t compel or resent her for not loving you back.
There are few crueler forms of emotional torture than unreciprocated love.
You are a human being who deserves respect and love as any other person on this planet. To sell yourself short of that is to do yourself a huge disservice.
However, I agree talking to the parents first would be best for now.

 

[user 188522]

PS: Welcome to the forum.

 

[Finished]

I do want to help her but i don't think she wants help and likes her comfort zone and keeps getting angry stops talking for days at times and iam worried like hell. I've done all that i could do, read soo much about depression and migraines that she has, I've been trying to figure out thing. now i know what food and weather conditions can trigger migraine but she doesn't listen to me at all. Her parents knew everything and never told anyone, she got reports of severe depression and anxiety panic attacks before marrige. I took her to best doctors i could find, everyone of them told she needs to excercise and keep her self buzy which she just doesn't do and like taking pills for everything i think her doctor started meds schizophrenia also. Whenever I plan an outing she falls ill may it be migraine or depression and says we don't go out. Never expresses love and says i dont know how to, which she did earlier even in letters .. It's so confusing for me and i feel lost. I'm a peace loving person - live and let live kind. I don't talk to people and friends either about it so iam here seeking help.

In between my Dad passed away, she was not there by my side when it happened. came like other relatives and went back after few days. I was all alone during this time and till now. Iam concerned and we only talk on phone now about if you've taken meds and eating proper food that's all we talk about.
I don't see any light now. What do you think I should do?

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of that. The migraine thing is a killer. I dated someone that got frequent migraines. I used to get them about once a month. They are horrible. Touch hurts, sound hurts, any sensory input causes intense pain. I've actually had a headache every day, all day, for about 3 weeks now. But, it's not a bad one.

The problem we had was if she was anxious about us for any reason she would end up getting a migraine. I could almost guess when she was going to get a migraine. We'd make plans. Then we'd have to cancel them and she would demand to be alone. It would piss me off. But, I didn't show it. I was thinking she knows that can trigger migraines so she shouldn't be apprehnsive about something. But, that's very difficult to not do. She could also guess what might cause migraines and then make them happen. It was very frustrating for sure. She had shots that would help her migraines go away after a few hours. That took away some of the apprehension of her getting a headache.

My solution was to NEVER put any pressure on her. I acted like everything was no big deal. But, it was draining. I would go over to her house super excited to see her. She would open the door and blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I don't know what I would do in your situation. But, like others have said, you have to give her space. That would drive me crazy. I definitely think staying tight with her parents is a good idea though. IMO, she needs to get her health under control before she can be an active participant in a relationship. I think I would try to make sure she doesn't give up and totally rely on drugs to get her by though. It would be nice to get her out and doing something with anybody. She might see you as a source of pressure and stress even though you aren't trying to be. It really sucks man.

 

[user 188685]

You can’t make someone love you. And you shouldn’t compel or resent her for not loving you back.
There are few crueler forms of emotional torture than unreciprocated love.
You are a human being who deserves respect and love as any other person on this planet. To sell yourself short of that is to do yourself a huge disservice.
However, I agree talking to the parents first would be best for now.

I agree,you can't make anyone do anything,that they don't want to do.

 

[Lostnfound]

You can’t make someone love you. And you shouldn’t compel or resent her for not loving you back.
There are few crueler forms of emotional torture than unreciprocated love.
You are a human being who deserves respect and love as any other person on this planet. To sell yourself short of that is to do yourself a huge disservice.
However, I agree talking to the parents first would be best for now.

Thanks for the support.That's true but if it feels kind of one sided and you feel lonely, you tend to dwell on why and what went wrong? to which I'll never know the answer and just have to make peace with myself.

 

[Lostnfound]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of that. The migraine thing is a killer. I dated someone that got frequent migraines. I used to get them about once a month. They are horrible. Touch hurts, sound hurts, any sensory input causes intense pain. I've actually had a headache every day, all day, for about 3 weeks now. But, it's not a bad one.

The problem we had was if she was anxious about us for any reason she would end up getting a migraine. I could almost guess when she was going to get a migraine. We'd make plans. Then we'd have to cancel them and she would demand to be alone. It would piss me off. But, I didn't show it. I was thinking she knows that can trigger migraines so she shouldn't be apprehnsive about something. But, that's very difficult to not do. She could also guess what might cause migraines and then make them happen. It was very frustrating for sure. She had shots that would help her migraines go away after a few hours. That took away some of the apprehension of her getting a headache.

My solution was to NEVER put any pressure on her. I acted like everything was no big deal. But, it was draining. I would go over to her house super excited to see her. She would open the door and blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I don't know what I would do in your situation. But, like others have said, you have to give her space. That would drive me crazy. I definitely think staying tight with her parents is a good idea though. IMO, she needs to get her health under control before she can be an active participant in a relationship. I think I would try to make sure she doesn't give up and totally rely on drugs to get her by though. It would be nice to get her out and doing something with anybody. She might see you as a source of pressure and stress even though you aren't trying to be. It really sucks man.

Thanks for the support. I've never seen migraines soo bad that's it's almost everyday. Sometime if she doesn't want to do anything she fakes it too which i found shocking, i read a note she penned down in my diary. I had plans to travel with her but couldn't do it because of this. Extremely tough situation to handle for me and iam completely lost. Doctors adviced her to exercise and keep busy, she is obviously not willing to do it and parents aren't motivating her either. I feel she herself and her family is not giving her a chance to get better for some reason and completely relying on pills which has its own side effects.
Love seems to have gone for a spin inbetween this and it's just an attachment that's holding on that's how I feel and iam not able to comprehend whats in future for us.

 

[Finished]

Thanks for the support. I've never seen migraines soo bad that's it's almost everyday. Sometime if she doesn't want to do anything she fakes it too which i found shocking, i read a note she penned down in my diary. I had plans to travel with her but couldn't do it because of this. Extremely tough situation to handle for me and iam completely lost. Doctors adviced her to exercise and keep busy, she is obviously not willing to do it and parents aren't motivating her either. I feel she herself and her family is not giving her a chance to get better for some reason and completely relying on pills which has its own side effects.
Love seems to have gone for a spin inbetween this and it's just an attachment that's holding on that's how I feel and iam not able to comprehend whats in future for us.

Oh, that's not good. It almost sounds like her parents are in a co-dependency relationship with her. It allows her to give up and let them take care of her. Then they get to feel better because they are taking care of her. That can be a VERY strong bond. In the mean time she gets worse.

I can see how they will trust each other more and you less. You are becoming the outsider. IMO, maybe try going to a few co-dependent meetings, usually for drugs, to get an understanding of how co-dependent relationships work. It may be impossible for you to get into the middle of the three of them.

Again, IMO, do what you can to the point that you want to. But, you need to take your mental health and well being into consideration as well. Don't allow them to suck you down with them. If / when you decide to take a break work on bettering yourself. Then after a period of time reaccess the situation. You may decide it's better to cut your ties and get on with your own life.

 

[Lostnfound]

Oh, that's not good. It almost sounds like her parents are in a co-dependency relationship with her. It allows her to give up and let them take care of her. Then they get to feel better because they are taking care of her. That can be a VERY strong bond. In the mean time she gets worse.



I can see how they will trust each other more and you less. You are becoming the outsider. IMO, maybe try going to a few co-dependent meetings, usually for drugs, to get an understanding of how co-dependent relationships work. It may be impossible for you to get into the middle of the three of them.



Again, IMO, do what you can to the point that you want to. But, you need to take your mental health and well being into consideration as well. Don't allow them to suck you down with them. If / when you decide to take a break work on bettering yourself. Then after a period of time reaccess the situation. You may decide it's better to cut your ties and get on with your own life.

I think you have cracked the whole crux of it all. You are absolutely right it is a co dependency relationship with childhood traumas that she had is now getting parents attention now and wants all of it. No such codependency meeting are held here.



I don't know how depression and anxiety exactly works but she always says she is angry and feeling like throwing stuff around get feeling of self harm it and I've seen her doing this also. I think it's being used to manipulate too ( iam sorry and I should not be saying this but i feel it that way when I read your take on this)



I was thinking of talking to her about her intensions and what she wants in life though and all of a sudden she got two large tattoos prominently showing on arms without showing or discussing with me the design or anything and one has initials that she used to call me with on it and the strange part is her mother took her to tatto artist and got it done( never heard a parent getting their kids permanently inked) and on top of it says it's my body. WTH is that suppose of mean..?



i don't think she wants to continue with relationship and doing things to upset people around and not saying exactly what's wrong which is making things much worse .


iam looking forward to hear what do think of this and how should I be reacting. As i have a very letting go make and i think it's being misused.



I was shocked and silent on inking and i didn't even tell my parents about it till yet.

I love her and care about her even though i know it's not the same from the other side but now i also feel iam being used as standby.

 

[dan27]

Grasshopper....soon you will learn that everything is temporary in life.

I always learned the hard way.

Brace for impact.

To be un-evenly yoked in wedlock is not harmonious.

 

[Lostnfound]

Grasshopper....soon you will learn that everything is temporary in life.

I always learned the hard way.

Brace for impact.

To be un-evenly yoked in wedlock is not harmonious

Grasshopper....soon you will learn that everything is temporary in life.

I always learned the hard way.

Brace for impact.

To be un-evenly yoked in wedlock is not harmonious.

Guess we all learn the hardway but it's always good to have support from experienced wisemen like yourself.

What do you mean brace for impact iam already impacted. Should i be more worried/ prepared / depressed? It is scarry already.

Agree with you 100% - how in heaven's can i make it evenly yolked? That's the question.

 

[dan27]

Your situation is volatile.
She sounds very upset..I've been through this myself.
I hope you can work it out...I could not.

Maybe a marriage counsellor could help both of you?

 

[Lostnfound]

Your situation is volatile.
She sounds very upset..I've been through this myself.
I hope you can work it out...I could not.

Maybe a marriage counsellor could help both of you?

Indeed it is a volatile situation and her codependency on parents is making it worse and she is not willing to work on our relationship at all. I think it's more to do with untreated and uncared for depression she had before marriage and this fact was hidden from me and family till it erupted badly . She is not ready to see a councellor for depression and if taken it kind of turns voilent. Marriage Councellor is out of question from her side for sure. Any doctor that i have consulted she hates them and likes her doctor who keeps on adding medication and doesn't motivate her to work on herself like daily workout and plan the day. Whole day she's resting not doing a single chore which is a not healthy for her.
I've been trying to see past all this and trying to make it work guess it will never do if she's not willing to put in efforts aswell.
What are my options? As talking to her would make her condition worse due to depression and anxiety attacks.

 

[dan27]

me....i'd leave & save my own sanity.....
You cannot force her to change.

She will ruin your energy by dragging you down into her own hell.
I've been through this myself.

You have a simple choice to make.....stay in misery or go in strength?

I wish you well.
Sincerely brother.....peace

 

[TheRealCallie]

Indeed it is a volatile situation and her codependency on parents is making it worse and she is not willing to work on our relationship at all. I think it's more to do with untreated and uncared for depression she had before marriage and this fact was hidden from me and family till it erupted badly . She is not ready to see a councellor for depression and if taken it kind of turns voilent. Marriage Councellor is out of question from her side for sure. Any doctor that i have consulted she hates them and likes her doctor who keeps on adding medication and doesn't motivate her to work on herself like daily workout and plan the day. Whole day she's resting not doing a single chore which is a not healthy for her.
I've been trying to see past all this and trying to make it work guess it will never do if she's not willing to put in efforts aswell.
What are my options? As talking to her would make her condition worse due to depression and anxiety attacks.

Sounds to me like she's making excuses to stay away. If she doesn't want to work on her marriage, there's nothing you can do.
Most people with codependency issues latch on to whomever gives them attention and love, those who make them feel safe, so I'm going to assume it's more than just codependency.

I would suggest getting YOURSELF a therapist and doing what's best for YOU and not worrying about her. Only she can fix herself and she won't until and unless she wants to. Find yourself a life without her. I'm not saying cheat on her, I'm saying find a way to be content and find a way to get some enjoyment that doesn't involve her. Whether you stay together or separate permanently, you should do that. Everyone should do that. And again, I'm NOT saying cheat on her. If you want to do that, divorce or legally separate first.

 

[dan27]