Better half staying away due to depression. How do I handle it?

[Lostnfound]

Thanks for your support the follow up is she has stopped answering my calls it's day 5 and parents are beating around the bush. So I think it's over from other side..iam guessing. Should I just wait and watch ? I wanted to meet her and go checkup but i don't want to anymore my heart is broken. What would you recommend I should do?

 

[user15010]

I'd like to know the answers too.

I guess that she may still love and need you but can't express it. Maybe wait and see, give her some time and space, but first of all live your life. I don't really know.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Are you really going to put your life on hold for something that likely isn't going to change, for something that only keeps getting worse?

I would go over there, tell her you are done, and move on. File for divorce, live your life and stop hoping that things will change, because it's been a long time and she's given you no indication that she wants anything to do with you. I'm sorry that my post sounds harsh, but I really feel that you should live your own life and find someone who can give you what you need. But, it's your life. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

 

[user15010]

Are you really going to put your life on hold for something that likely isn't going to change, for something that only keeps getting worse?

I would go over there, tell her you are done, and move on. File for divorce, live your life and stop hoping that things will change, because it's been a long time and she's given you no indication that she wants anything to do with you. I'm sorry that my post sounds harsh, but I really feel that you should live your own life and find someone who can give you what you need. But, it's your life. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

Oh Callie, you do sound harsh! Yes, things may not change or may even get worse. But you don't give up on someone you love so easily. It's cruel to leave someone because of their health, mental health condition without trying to accept them as they are or adjusting your expectations and way of life. If you can't, you can't, but not after five days, I think.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Oh Callie, you do sound harsh! Yes, things may not change or may even get worse. But you don't give up on someone you love so easily. It's cruel to leave someone because of their health, mental health condition without trying to accept them as they are or adjusting your expectations and way of life. If you can't, you can't, but not after five days, I think.

See, that's the thing....it hasn't been 5 days. It's been 6 or 7 months. I don't believe she wants the relationship. If she did, she would have given some indication that she did in those 6 or 7 months. It's not about giving up on someone because of their mental health. If she wanted this relationship, she would have, by now, done SOMETHING to indicate that she loved him. She hasn't. In fact, she's cut off contact ENTIRELY.
It's not about her anymore. Even if she were to come back eventually, the relationship is already ruined. It's about him, him being happy, him having the kind of life he wants to have, him finding something in life that isn't going to hold him back or keep in stuck in a holding pattern hoping and praying that his wife decides he's good enough for her again. She has written him off and I'm sorry, but I don't think that is all due her mental health. She doesn't trust him, as is evident by the fact that she moved out MONTHS ago.
Love is not enough, you need more than that. And at some point, you have to start thinking about yourself and doing what's best for you. Holding on to someone who has proven over and over again that she doesn't want anything to do with you is NOT the best thing for anyone.

 

[user15010]

See, that's the thing....it hasn't been 5 days. It's been 6 or 7 months. I don't believe she wants the relationship. If she did, she would have given some indication that she did in those 6 or 7 months. It's not about giving up on someone because of their mental health. If she wanted this relationship, she would have, by now, done SOMETHING to indicate that she loved him. She hasn't. In fact, she's cut off contact ENTIRELY.
It's not about her anymore. Even if she were to come back eventually, the relationship is already ruined. It's about him, him being happy, him having the kind of life he wants to have, him finding something in life that isn't going to hold him back or keep in stuck in a holding pattern hoping and praying that his wife decides he's good enough for her again. She has written him off and I'm sorry, but I don't think that is all due her mental health. She doesn't trust him, as is evident by the fact that she moved out MONTHS ago.
Love is not enough, you need more than that. And at some point, you have to start thinking about yourself and doing what's best for you. Holding on to someone who has proven over and over again that she doesn't want anything to do with you is NOT the best thing for anyone.

Callie thanks! I missed the months. I've reread the thread and agree with what you said in your posts.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Hi, my wife had a extremely bad depression episode during covid lockdowns and has been on medications and not improving ever since then. i got to know she had depression before we met but didn't tell me about it earlier and stopped taking medicines back then.
She wanted to live with her parents till she feels better but it's been 5 months and she doesn't want to come home, whenever I ask her about it she says iam not ok yet but can somehow talk about buying things online. Iam worried all the time about her and that's making me depressed.I love her a lot but i haven't recieved the love that i have given.

What might be wrong? In depression you don't want to live with you partner at all- love is gone? I met her doctor and was told she likes getting attention, can that be true? I didn't believe the doctor at the time. Though she did had some childhood traumas and not ready to take counseling session at all.
She doesn't feel like doing anything wakesup at 11 in the morning and rests till evening though currently on meds but even before medication she wasn't very active type didn't use to help in daily chores.

I think iam too attached and she's not.I want to talk things through about it but fearing her depression might get worse i never talk. How should I handle things? I think its turning toxic for me.
Hope to get some answers.

Honestly, I had this partner, and whenever we'd split I'd end up in hospital, on suicide watch, he'd wait for me in his own weird way, when I get released... we'd rinse and repeat. The cycle was toxic, depression has led me down a lonely road, however, thats how the illness is. You can hold on and hope she comes back to you... or you can leave and let her unpack and reorganise her baggage on her own with the support of her parents.

If I was married, I would stay and work through it... as I believe in, in sickness and in health... but many people do not.

 

[Lostnfound]

Are you really going to put your life on hold for something that likely isn't going to change, for something that only keeps getting worse?

I would go over there, tell her you are done, and move on. File for divorce, live your life and stop hoping that things will change, because it's been a long time and she's given you no indication that she wants anything to do with you. I'm sorry that my post sounds harsh, but I really feel that you should live your own life and find someone who can give you what you need. But, it's your life. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

Thankyou for putting things in perspective. now i can see more clearly how my life has been screwed from the start and i kept on ignoring all red flags which has led to this.... It's sad but can't do anything about it. I guess she didn't deserve the love i gave and she never reciprocated it back.

 

[Lostnfound]

Honestly, I had this partner, and whenever we'd split I'd end up in hospital, on suicide watch, he'd wait for me in his own weird way, when I get released... we'd rinse and repeat. The cycle was toxic, depression has led me down a lonely road, however, thats how the illness is. You can hold on and hope she comes back to you... or you can leave and let her unpack and reorganise her baggage on her own with the support of her parents.

If I was married, I would stay and work through it... as I believe in, in sickness and in health... but many people do not.

Belive me I've been trying to work this out from the start and still holding on to vows in sickness and in health but looks like she doesn't want things to workout. I was all alone when my dad passed away and always felt alone in relationship telling myself and everyone she isn't feeling ok let her recover. I think now i too am in depression due to everything that's going around in my life. Lets see what's ahead thought i don't see anything light.

 

[When]

I do want to help her but i don't think she wants help and likes her comfort zone and keeps getting angry stops talking for days at times and iam worried like hell. I've done all that i could do, read soo much about depression and migraines that she has, I've been trying to figure out thing. now i know what food and weather conditions can trigger migraine but she doesn't listen to me at all. Her parents knew everything and never told anyone, she got reports of severe depression and anxiety panic attacks before marrige. I took her to best doctors i could find, everyone of them told she needs to excercise and keep her self buzy which she just doesn't do and like taking pills for everything i think her doctor started meds schizophrenia also. Whenever I plan an outing she falls ill may it be migraine or depression and says we don't go out. Never expresses love and says i dont know how to, which she did earlier even in letters .. It's so confusing for me and i feel lost. I'm a peace loving person - live and let live kind. I don't talk to people and friends either about it so iam here seeking help.

In between my Dad passed away, she was not there by my side when it happened. came like other relatives and went back after few days. I was all alone during this time and till now. Iam concerned and we only talk on phone now about if you've taken meds and eating proper food that's all we talk about.
I don't see any light now. What do you think I should do?

Perhaps it's time for you to accept that she may be withdrawing from you and your life, and perhaps it's time for you to do the same. You sound like a nice person. If you give yourself half a chance, you'll find the support you need to move on or at least exist independently without so much angst. You don't know her family dynamics, nor can you fix her despair. But that doesn't mean you must be eternally sacrificed to her emotional state. If she won't talk to you in a meaningful way, it's tearing you up in terms of your own self worth. Think about that. It may be time to focus on a more independent life. Thanks!!

 

[user 164061]

From what i've read you seem like a very caring/giving person, while on the other hand she's using her illness to push you away but not even giving an honest response. You can only try so much and from the sounds of it she doesn't love you anymore, because it hasn't been a few days it has been months at this point. Even her antics have made you develop depression, but obviously it will be hard at first but now you've got to think about yourself. She's made 0 effort to try and be with you again which is obviously horrible, but really it's an opportunity to think about yourself. Even if by some miracle she DOES come back, ignore her and sever all ties as she sounds very toxic but also mega harmful.