Can't stop bringing up ugly experiences from the past and it's ruining my social life

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ardour

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Basically, I grew up around narcissistic, aggressive a-holes and have trouble keeping that to myself.

Some topics just aren’t suitable for everyday conversation. Nothing good ever comes of it. I end up regretting presuming on someone’s patience and making things awkward. But I keep doing it, retreading the past, looking for another perspective. Then later I'll cringe about it, as I should, because it’s shameful. Nobody wants to be used as a dumping ground for negativity. Friends add value, they don’t use someone for their own ends. It’s become a problem of late as nothing seems genuine with the way older adults interact. It's tempting to want to cut past all that surface level crap and talk about something that matters. Often that ends up being personal topics to do with my past that should have been steered clear of.

So yea, another embarrassing experience. I recently talked about an incident at school mentioned in another post with a work friend I meet up with at lunchtimes once a week. (Then there was facebook post I made directed at the main perpetrator. I've since had one classmate on my friend list block me: no loss, he was a nasty piece of work anyway.)

She was definitely weirded out and I can see why. Oh well, another learning experience where nothing was really learned. What kind of idiot brings these things up with someone they don’t even know that well? Even old friends have their limits.

It's deeply unattractive behaviour for men to indicate they're bothered by anything. Even doing this with trusted friends or family can make you into a liability.

I've always believed therapy to be an elaborate scam, a way for the educated upper middle classes to make money off the damaged, the broken. I hate the dynamic where a patient becomes vulnerable with a paid professional who is only tolerating them because it's how they make a living. This is something I could never be comfortable with. But at least it's contained there, doesn’t end up damaging real life connections.
 
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TropicalStarfish

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Don't be so hard on yourself mate..

If you haven't tried therapy, it might be a consideration, maybe, maybe not.

What do we do when we see that homeless, scruffy, smelly man in the streets? Usually we are afraid, or we turn our gaze, and try to avoid the unsightly and very visible pain (I'm not saying you are like that; but, that, people tend to be attracted to that which is bright, beautiful, and merry. We all tend to avoid that which is unpleasant and seek out that which is pleasant.)

So, work on being a bit more pleasant. That doesn't mean you have to ignore the pain inside of you, and you shouldn't; but, you realize that, perhaps the way you've been trying to address it, isn't working, so, just keep working at it, little by little.

We all need a hug, a good cry, and a trustworthy ear of nurturing consolation. Words on a screen, just don't quite compare... I think such things are just in short supply right now, the world over; but, keep at it.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's just vicious circles.
 

ardour

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(I'm not saying you are like that; but, that, people tend to be attracted to that which is bright, beautiful, and merry. We all tend to avoid that which is unpleasant and seek out that which is pleasant.)

That is not what I grew up around, not what was valued then.

It goes beyond typical teenage/early 20s brattishness. Every conversation involved degrading or humiliating somebody or something. Every conversation; no let up. They had no interests.

It’s strange, as if it were as easy as flipping a switch and displaying positive energy and agreeableness, when behaving that way would have made you a target during the first 25 years of life.
 
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