Can't stop bringing up ugly experiences from the past and it's ruining my social life

[charlotte craig]

Basically, I grew up around narcissistic, aggressive a-holes and have trouble keeping that to myself.

Some topics just aren’t suitable for everyday conversation. Nothing good ever comes of it. I end up regretting presuming on someone’s patience and making things awkward. But I keep doing it, retreading the past, looking for another perspective. Then later I'll cringe about it, as I should, because it’s shameful. Nobody wants to be used as a dumping ground for negativity. Friends add value, they don’t use someone for their own ends. It’s become a problem of late as nothing seems genuine with the way older adults interact. It's tempting to want to cut past all that surface level crap and talk about something that matters. Often that ends up being personal topics to do with my past that should have been steered clear of.

So yea, another embarrassing experience. I recently talked about an incident at school mentioned in another post with a work friend I meet up with at lunchtimes once a week. (Then there was facebook post I made directed at the main perpetrator. I've since had one classmate on my friend list block me: no loss, he was a nasty piece of work anyway.)

She was definitely weirded out and I can see why. Oh well, another learning experience where nothing was really learned. What kind of idiot brings these things up with someone they don’t even know that well? Even old friends have their limits.

It's deeply unattractive behaviour for men to indicate they're bothered by anything. Even doing this with trusted friends or family can make you into a liability.

I've always believed therapy to be an elaborate scam, a way for the educated upper middle classes to make money off the damaged, the broken. I hate the dynamic where a patient becomes vulnerable with a paid professional who is only tolerating them because it's how they make a living. This is something I could never be comfortable with. But at least it's contained there, doesn’t end up damaging real life connections.

Nobody wants to be used as a dumping ground for negativity is so true. Some people who are lonely, worried, mentally ill, got problems, baggage, addictions or whatever, only go to other people in the hope they will make them feel better. I've found this on forums where they private message you to send you reams and reams of stuff about their horrible past and problems, get your sympathy and a listening ear, rather than make friends or get to know you too. It's no wonder then that people like that end up alone with no friends. Very often their horrible past is nowhere near as had as mine or many people I've met who coped with it far better. And yes it is worse for a man in a way. I've noticed when I meet a new potential friend men stick to the point and what is necessary in conversation and women go into drama queen mode and go on and on about their boyfriend not phoning at 8 pm last night as promised, and asking me why he rang ten minutes later, for the whole chat if you allow it, something so trivial it is barely worth mentioning. If you meet that person again - I try to make sure I don't - they start again about the next trivial thing and make a big drama out of that, it never stops.
I met a woman who wanted to phone me and visit me virtually every day for hours going on about her latest trivial dramas.
She was draining, boring, demanding time wise. I told her straight she could not come over or phone again.
She got very stroppy and indignant about it, angry, as if I belonged to her and must re arrange my life to be there for her at all times. Then as a last resort she said "well if you listen to all of my problems and help me with all mine then when you have one you can come to me". This was laughable as I never go to anyone with such problems. Firstly, I don't make a drama out of each little thing that does or does not happen. Its a waste of time anyway, it is far more sensible to walk away from bad situations and people than moan about them after. Secondly, I dont create problems for myself like she did - she was chasing after and obsessed with a married man who was not interested in her. If she could not understand, navigate or solve tiny little things in her own life, she would be no good whatsoever with anyone else's. You have to be good with your own before anyone should trust you with theirs. It is harder for a man because they are supposed to have the stiff upper lip, and be strong.

I went to a book club... all women. I would arrange to take time off of work - unpaid - to be there.
The others did not work and would be watching television if they werent there. In those days I was often rushed into hospital unable to breath, traumatic, and extremely difficult when you own and run a business with a lot of staff. I Never once did I mention any of this to these women. We were there to read books and chatter, so that is what I did. If a week came along where I was in hospital they just thought I was away on holiday or working, they never knew the truth.

Yet these women who had a very calm and easy life in comparison to me, with no commitments or real worries would turn up and say they must tell everyone about how they sprained their thumb a few days ago and go on and in great detail about this terrible thing until it was time to go home! They had no interest in the books or normal chat. All negative stuff. ALL STUFF YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT?! All trivial. Typical women? I stopped going. It was supposed to be a happy break from work, and I was turning away consultations with paying clients to be there. I was better off working.

There is a terrific book you can read about how to look at life by William Roache the actor. Hes 90 now and still acting. Because he follows his own advice about lifestyle and how to think about life. I read it a few weeks ago and thought hey, this is how I've been living for years too.

 

[Kar]

I guess it’s possible they may have insights without empathizing, relating, or even liking a patient/client that much. But there’s also a million cautionary tales from people for whom therapy did nothing or worsened matters. I’ve never read a success story from anyone who was bullied, ridiculed or isolated in their youth, except those involving some kind of direct revenge on their tormentors. Otherwise people rarely seem to get “better.”

Vulnerability is also what put me in those humiliating situations in the first place, so being that way with a therapist would be very uncomfortable.

I don't know if I'd characterize it that way. If they are professional, their personal feelings won't even come into the equation and in fact they might really like you and avoid any outward appearance of liking you. I had a therapist who I think really cared for me beyond the professional level and the only clue was after I left them, they sent me a personal email to check in on me. I personally thought this was outside of what was professional because I was no longer their client/patient, so it seemed to be a personal interaction. Prior to that, there was zero evidence even if they wanted to. They have strict boundaries in place for you and for them. For example, it takes a real toll on their mental health as well to be around people who are desperate and depressed all day long, every day. Since they are empathetic (otherwise they're in the wrong field and would have burned out long ago), they have to compartmentalize work from personal. They have to work to not bring the stress from work home with them. This can come across as they lack empathy or kindness, but it's really the right approach for their own wellness and to make them most effective to all their clients/patients.

I'm a success story. But it took a lot of wrong therapists so had you asked me before my last one, I would have advised against it. Another important point, sometimes the issue you seek therapy for isn't in fact the issue you are facing. It's hard to explain in general terms but it's another example that it isn't even easy to know what kind of therapist is best for you at the start because the issue you are facing might not be the one you think it is.

 

[AceFace]

Stop talking about honeysuckle that makes people uncomfortable.
Keep saying what you think and feel and let go of having a social life.
When I was a wee little thing of 6 years I was touched, kissed, and eventually completely violated by a "friend of the family". This information makes people uncomfortable so I learned to not talk about it openly. In case you haven't noticed most people whether they want to admit it or not don't really care. Those that do admit it are considered mean, cruel, insensitive, selfish and the beat goes on la di da di da...its not even about not caring its more that people, all people, are dealing with honeysuckle in some form and they don't want to hear about some honeysuckle that happened decades ago. I can't change that a pervert robbed me just like you can't change your ugly experiences.

Ok I give in what is Honeysuckle?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Ok I give in what is Honeysuckle?

The forum automatically changes the S word (bad word for poop) to "honeysuckle"
Oh and if you run across "Fresia" that would be the F word.

 

[AceFace]

The forum automatically changes the S word (bad word for poop) to "honeysuckle"
Oh and if you run across "Fresia" that would be the F word.

Thank you

 

[TheSkaFish]

Ok I give in what is Honeysuckle?

It's what a certain four-letter word automatically changes to. Oh well, could be worse.

I've gotten used to it now, it's kind of funny to read an old post and see someone say "what the fresia".

 

[Claudia1794]

Ok I give in what is Honeysuckle?

Actually I was lost as well until yesterday when I posted something and noticed it had been altered not by me. Im guessing this was a recent thing and I didn't realize it was applied to all previous posts. Strange that a 4 letter word was edited but mention of being sexually violated by an old man is acceptable.

 

[ardour]

I don't know if I'd characterize it that way. If they are professional, their personal feelings won't even come into the equation and in fact they might really like you and avoid any outward appearance of liking you. I had a therapist who I think really cared for me beyond the professional level and the only clue was after I left them, they sent me a personal email to check in on me. I personally thought this was outside of what was professional because I was no longer their client/patient, so it seemed to be a personal interaction. Prior to that, there was zero evidence even if they wanted to. They have strict boundaries in place for you and for them. For example, it takes a real toll on their mental health as well to be around people who are desperate and depressed all day long, every day. Since they are empathetic (otherwise they're in the wrong field and would have burned out long ago), they have to compartmentalize work from personal. They have to work to not bring the stress from work home with them. This can come across as they lack empathy or kindness, but it's really the right approach for their own wellness and to make them most effective to all their clients/patients.

I'm a success story. But it took a lot of wrong therapists so had you asked me before my last one, I would have advised against it. Another important point, sometimes the issue you seek therapy for isn't in fact the issue you are facing. It's hard to explain in general terms but it's another example that it isn't even easy to know what kind of therapist is best for you at the start because the issue you are facing might not be the one you think it is.

Well, being facetious here, but I can't help wondering why I couldn't avoid the in-person interaction, save myself the money and hassle, read up about this, self-diagnose and follow a course of action laid out in whatever texts they studied as undergrads. I have a pretty good grasp of what's wrong. Anyway I'm glad it worked out for you.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

As much as you loathe me, I just wanna say when I first saw this post I felt frozen, like should I reply, me? Idk... Maybe I'd make things worse. I kept thinking about this but I just have to put that, if you was or were to have ever disclosed anything personal to me I would never hold that against you. Life throws such curve balls and we are expected to plod along like nothing happened. My friend has a traumatic birth and for days she would just pour out about it, and her mum told her that was never ever to be done. I think holding this stuff in is just not healthy, maybe you dont need a therapist but a trusted person you can let this out to, I hope you find that