Chronic VS Temporary - Ballad of the Stranger .~LONG POST~

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shadetree

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NOTE: I dont expect anybody to read this or reply, i guess i just needed somewhere to write all this down in the hope that one day even if years from now somebody would read it and could really relate. If not then it wont be any different than the other 355 days of the year.

Im not really sure where to start with this, and im not really sure what i expect to get from posting this. I know it will be a long post, because thats how my mind works and its the only way i can communicate.If this bothers you, please feel free not to read it and respond, i mean this in the most respectful way possible. Now a days its considered some kind of failing or youre stupid or borderline retarded if you explore everything in detail on the internet. People act like theres something genuinely wrong with you if you come right out and say what you think or how you feel about something.Or take the time to talk about something in something other than shorthand and acronyms. Which is part of what this post is about, but only a part.

Theres words like RANT, and acronyms like TLDR (too long didnt read).People seem to have less and less patience and time for one another. Im not a scientist or a psychologist so i have no idea the underlying causes of this, i just know it exists.Its like if you dont know exactly what you want or who you are then you better not even open your mouth or people will tear you a new one.

So in a world like this to i expect anybody to read all this and give me any kind of validation or answers? Do i expect anybody to have patience and kindness? Do i expect anything from this No. But i need to write this all the same.

Even on a forum dedicated to loneliness i only expect a small majority to truly get where im coming from and relate to what im talking about. With all that said i guess ill begin, or try to. Thank you ahead of time seriously if you read all this, i just need to tell somebody. Even a complete stranger, which is pretty much everybody for me nowadays.

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First off a little about me. Im 39 i have avoidant personality disorder and social phobia and some form of depression. Im not sure what kind but i think i may be bipolar as i have ups and downs alot with no real rhyme or reason to them. Im married, weve been together 16 years two kids, one from my previous marriage a daughter shes 18 and one with her a son hes 15. I love my kids and my wife, but i still feel very lonely.

Alot of people think the be all and end all of life is if they have a mate and thats not necessarily true. I tell people im married and they ask well how can you be lonely if youre married? I love my wife and shes my friend, but i have very few connections outside the house.

You tell people that youre lonely and they suggest things like join a club, or do this 12 step program and youll be better etc. But nothing seems to work for me, and people just dont seem to understand that, or for the most part dont care because they dont really know me and caring takes a lot of energy. I understand and accept that but it still makes it hard to live life this way, always feeling seperate from the rest of humanity.

I was reading this article on another website and it talks about chronic loneliness which i seem to suffer from. Heres the article if you want to read it, its very enlightening and does a good job of explaining the difference between chronic and temporary or normal loneliness.

http://www.webofloneliness.com/the-lonely-blog/feeling-lonely-then-go-join-a-club

Im on disability been on it a few years now, since 2010, before that i worked my entire life, tried going in the army twice, ended up in the mental ward, with my wife cheating on me. We later reconciled but it was a really hard time. I worked various jobs throughout the years including being a dam operator, a security guard, an inventory clerk and the list goes on. I always had trouble with working because of my irrational fears of people. Id be on time, didnt miss days, nothing like that but thered always be some issue thatd arise at work because of my awkwardness, i wouldnt make friends really. I was that guy that was in the corner that couldnt talk to people because he was too shy and always sat alone etc. So when that happens, people start thinking youre some kind of weirdo, and it always goes down hill. One job i had i was an order filler in a warehouse and i got accused of slashing conveyor belts with a razor knife, all because the people there couldnt really relate to me and im sure didnt like me that much because they didnt know me and hadnt taken the time to get to know me. So one day they take me into the security office and tell me i have to sign this paper that i was the "mad belt slasher" lol. So at this point i was pretty pissed off and aggrivated didnt really like the job anyway and so i signed and they in turn fired me.Thats okay thats how life works, and it was a crappy job anyway. I list it as an example of some common issues that arise from constantly being the outsider, the weirdo, the spook, the freak. Its even more than that though. In highschool there were the groups everybody has to deal with and usually on the fringe theres that group of outcasts. Well i didnt even fit in with them, so i had a few friends during highschool but for the most part none. Not that i care highschool really sucks and i couldnt care less. In grade school it was the same thing, never really fitting in,not falling into a predefined group. Makes you excised and not part of the community.

My dad drove a truck so he was always gone all the time, and my mama was a really negative person, very uptight, super over protective would never let me go anywhere. So i spent most of my child hood with imaginary friends and the thing that helped me cope the most which i still use to this day. Video Games.

I like video games because they allow me to be somebody else in another world. To escape for a while.The music, the characters, the storyline. Even just the fact of knowing that a whole group of actual human beings worked on this "game" to create this experience that i can enjoy and brings me a little bit of peace for a short time. I get so inspired by art and things that people create and i find it impossible to really relate that to people and i cant share it with anybody because i cant get past simple hellos, or even get to the hellos because of my APD. But ill get to that eventually, just going where the thoughts lead me now as they fall out of my head.

And its great while it lasts but lately ive been having a harder and harder time keeping my interest in them, or music or books or really anything. When you spend all your time alone it really makes it hard to even concentrate. Because the whole point of art and games and books and music is that it inspires you and pushes you to reach your real world dreams. But if you dont even exist in said real world, then it begs the question of whats the point?

Now i had said i would talk about APD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) So i guess ill do that now. Avoidant Personality Disorder is a fairly new mental diagnosis thats similar to social anxiety but not exactly the same thing that makes you extremely sensitive to rejection and is coupled with irrational thoughts and low self esteem due to those things. The hardest thing about it is most of the fear is irrational. I genuinely like myself but because of the way my mind works its like my own worst enemy and i cant even think about doing something without having horrible thoughts come flooding in. For example i bought a boat a few years back, a bass boat because i enjoy fishing. When i think about taking the boat out i instantly get hit with "itl sink" "Youl run over a kid swimming" " The motor will explode
" and i mean just all this really rediculous crap. I know its rediculous but its the same thing with anybody with irrational thoughts, theyre still powerless against them because theyre embedded in their subconscious mind which in this case acts like a big bully and kicks my butt from one corner of the room to the next constantly.

I dont really leave my house for months at a time and i try to use the internet as some sort of crutch to have friends but i realize even if these "friendships" are real they can only go so far since we cant really hangout and go do something. Theyre not going to call and say hey you wanna go see this movie or were going here etc and invite me.

Over time you try to accept your sittuation and be quiet and not complain because people around the world are starving, they have no homes, theyre sick and dieing of horrible diseases. So what do i have to really complain about? Then you feel ashamed for letting it get this far, but feel helpless to change it.

Ive written on so many forums through the years. So many times reached out to strangers who id talk to for a little bit then theyd dissapear as to be expected because its the internet. Then it leads me back to exactly where i started. I got really lucky though a few years ago and made a friend on a support forum website that weve been emailing for about 2 years now and shes my best friend. All things considered im a very lucky guy, ive got a wife and a very good friend, she lives on another continent and i may never meet her but i can genuinely say shes my friend. But STILL even with all this i feel lonely. Lonely as hell sometimes like its eating away at my insides turning me into a monster or a husk.

I get so so very tired of all the expectations of society, and the rules and all the almost what seem hidden to me things youre supposed to know when interacting with people that just dont come naturally to me. I thought for a while i may have aspergers syndrome because i have a really hard time picking up on social cues and things, and sometimes ill say and do things that hurt peoples feelings with totally not meaning to. Like for example sometimes ill say something to my wife that sounds totally cold and only catch myself AFTER ive said it and then i immediately appologize and she has come to understand and accept i cant help this behavior its just part of who i am. But it still makes me feel really bad. On the other hand i feel very deeply and care about people to the point of it hurts me when i see people in pain and i cant do anything to help them. Its like my whole life is this giant ass paradox.

The past probably 15 or 20 years ive spent as a ghost on the net surfing around forums, playing video games, TRYING my damndest to connect with people but im so far out in left field i dont know whether im coming or going.

My hobbies are not the same as "normal" people. I dont like sports, and could care less about cars and most things guys my age are "supposed" to like. Like i said i dont fit into any of the predefined social "types" so people dont know what to make of me. So i end up getting stuck in the antisocial or freak club and even there i dont fit.

I have six cats and two dogs, i talk to the cats probably more than i talk to my wife, and i talk the dogs walking on good days when i dont feel like sticking my head in a box and lighting it on fire.

The worst part of all this is, when i do manage to talk to people im so far removed that i find it really hard to talk to them. Not that i dont want to, i want that more than anything in the world, but that demon behind me whispering that theres no point then i guess they pick up on that and dissapear and i never hear from them again. Maybe thats how its supposed to be. I really look forward to death so i can leave this life and transform into something else. Maybe have a connection in the afterlife i cant have in this one. I say that not in a suicidal way, but in a quiet acceptance that I genuinely hope i can go live in the bussom of God and the angels and know peace and acceptance.

This loneliness i feel, i feel it around people, when im by myself, when im talking to my kids, when i walk my dogs, when i talk to God, when i talk to myself. I just really dont know what to do anymore or how to change myself or my way of thinking, or i dont even know who i am anymore. Im pretty sure with all the reading and gaming ive done through the years im a billion to one shot that im even a real person and not a figment of my own imagination.

I started back playing world of warcraft recently and i get on and I dont talk to anybody, well except my wife and ive played the game for the past ten years like this. Had a guy the other day invite me to join his guild and i asked him some questions about it but i just always have this feeling of itll be the same old awkward crap and i wont be able to talk to anybody really and then ill fell ostracized and even more alone which makes me enjoy the game less because then i associate it with depression.

I wish my brain would just shut down for a few months so i could get some rest.

I may write more, i dont know. This is just some random jumbled thoughts i wanted to write down, i appologize if this didnt make much sense as i jump around alot. I dont even know if ill reply to this if anybody replies, because I dont think theres any answers to this, im on medication, im in therapy, i write, i walk, i dream, i scream at the top of my lungs, i get drunk and dance with potted plants in barrooms. I go to war but i dont make it to the landmines. Im just along for the ride pretty much .

Id give anything to have some real friends, but i guess i gotta pull my head out of my ass and go outside for that, whatever that means i been doing that for years now. Rectal inversion technology is a hell of a thang.......
 
Hey shadetree,

You said that you don't expect anyone to read or reply, so I'm not sure if you want a reply. At the very least, I want you to know that I read it all and can relate to much of it.


shadetree said:
Theres words like RANT, and acronyms like TLDR (too long didnt read).People seem to have less and less patience and time for one another. Im not a scientist or a psychologist so i have no idea the underlying causes of this, i just know it exists.Its like if you dont know exactly what you want or who you are then you better not even open your mouth or people will tear you a new one.


I get that, and it's annoying. Most people start conversations slowly with small talk, but I tend to talk a lot when I first meet someone online. I suck at making small talk, so I just say whatever is on my mind. People don't want to deal with it, so they don't. They say "Hi", I say a bunch of stuff that I probably shouldn't, they end the conversation or ignore me. It happened a couple of days ago.

There are a few dimwits who believe that I get special treatment for being who I am (or get something, I'm not sure what). The only thing I get for being nice to people is suspicion. All I get for standing up for what I believe in is insults and accusations.

If it's not that, I hold back, keep myself from saying what I'm thinking and try for the small talk thing. It never really works either, because again, I suck at it. I'm horrible at getting to know people slowly, despise using internet lingo to describe my thoughts and feelings, dislike cliques and social circles, and no one wants to deal with reading more than a few sentences.

So I can relate. I guess I don't understand social situations either, but many people online are shallow and have short attention spans. I get burnt out on it pretty quickly, so I couldn't imagine dealing with it for years.


shadetree said:
I tell people im married and they ask well how can you be lonely if youre married?


Yeah...that's not fair of them. People tend to think that loneliness is the same for everyone, and it's not. You can live in a house with family or be surrounded by people all day and still feel lonely. Really though, I think most people are just insensitive to the pain of others. They don't want to deal with it, so they repeat every bit of clichéd advice they've ever heard on the subject.


shadetree said:
I always had trouble with working because of my irrational fears of people.


I have had trouble with that too, for the same reason. It's hard enough just going to work, but it's worse when you don't get a promotion, overtime or any number of other things because you're not social enough.


shadetree said:
Because the whole point of art and games and books and music is that it inspires you and pushes you to reach your real world dreams. But if you dont even exist in said real world, then it begs the question of whats the point?


I feel the same way. I used to seek escape in video games, movies and books too. After awhile it began to feel pointless. There was no one to share it with. It didn't inspire me because I didn't have anything else. There was no outside world. It all became meaningless. I still play video games when I have time, but I can't watch TV alone. It's not the escape it used to be. It makes me feel numb and lonely. Books are the same.


shadetree said:
All things considered im a very lucky guy, ive got a wife and a very good friend, she lives on another continent and i may never meet her but i can genuinely say shes my friend. But STILL even with all this i feel lonely. Lonely as hell sometimes like its eating away at my insides turning me into a monster or a husk.


I'm glad you have your family and friend at least, but I do understand why you're still lonely. I have social anxiety, and while it's not Avoidant Personality Disorder, I know what negative thoughts can do to you, how isolating they can be. I wish I had advice. I don't, but I feel for you.


shadetree said:
My hobbies are not the same as "normal" people. I dont like sports, and could care less about cars and most things guys my age are "supposed" to like. Like i said i dont fit into any of the predefined social "types" so people dont know what to make of me. So i end up getting stuck in the antisocial or freak club and even there i dont fit.


I hate cars, and only drive when I have to. I don't like sports either. Beyond that, I'm not sure what the typical hobbies are for men, but I doubt I'd like any of them. But you and I are far from alone in that; there are quite a few men who don't want to talk about sports and cars. What hobbies do you have, besides video games and fishing?


shadetree said:
Not that i dont want to, i want that more than anything in the world, but that demon behind me whispering that theres no point then i guess they pick up on that and dissapear and i never hear from them again


I'm assuming you've tried therapy programs like CBT. If not, you should. But if you have and nothing has really worked, all you can do is try to get past that voice in your head, or ignore it. Don't give up. I know you only made one good (online) friend in all these years, but that's something. Who knows who else you'll meet in the future? I know it's hard. Believe me, I know. But giving up will be worse.


shadetree said:
Had a guy the other day invite me to join his guild and i asked him some questions about it but i just always have this feeling of itll be the same old awkward crap and i wont be able to talk to anybody really and then ill fell ostracized and even more alone which makes me enjoy the game less because then i associate it with depression.


I hate to say it, but it probably would have been the same awkward crap. But you don't know. Despite your experience and what your fear tells you, you can't know. After the awkward crap phase, maybe he'd turn into a lifelong friend.

Take breaks as needed, for your own sanity and well-being. But keep trying. Sometimes that's all you can do, as difficult and heartbreaking as it can be.

It's all right if you don't want to reply to my post. I know I wasn't very helpful, and maybe you're right and there are no answers. But at the very least I thought you deserved more than "tl;dr". I hope it helped writing it all out.

Take care, shadetree.
 
Hey man just wanted to say thank you for taking time out to reply like that i really appreciate it. Means a lot sometimes when people even take the time to acknowledge you. So thanks. As far as the CBT thing you asked about i actually did start that in an audio program i had did and it helped a great deal but id started feeling somewhat better at the time and i got lazy and didint finish the program, i have it though so i can go back sometime and finish it. But right now im seeing an actual therapist and shes using this stuff called REBT but its not working worth a crap to be honest but i keep going because its an excuse to get out of the house and feel normal for an hour or so. Its bad when going to a mental health center makes you feel normal lol. But i just mean getting out of the house and having somewhere to actually be like ive got a real life again.

Anyway thank you again for the well thought out reply and hope you have a good day.
 

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