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Naleena

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A very good article follows with advice and tips on getting over a breakup and some sound warnings after that. If you are experiencng a recent breakup or haven't quite gotten over the old one, here is a big hug for ((((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))) and a hope that you will recover soon.

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How to Get Over a Break Up
Amore no more.Heartbreak: If you're living life fully, you're going to experience it. Sometimes you leave, sometimes you're left, but if you were truly in love, the loss of it brings heartache, no matter who did the leaving. If you're looking for some help getting through it and want some suggestions to make it as fluid as it can be (and how it can even be rewarding)...

Steps

1. The first thing that you need to know is, it's always okay to cry.
Examine what happened, and ask yourself why. Don't assume that it's all about you. You have to make it clear to yourself that this is not entirely your fault - or maybe it's not your fault at all. Really thinking about the reasons it ended can make it clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid missteps in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship.

2. Don't rethink your decision. If the breakup was your decision, bear in mind that thinking about all the good times you had may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second guess if the decision to end things was not yours. It's very common to romanticize the good parts of a relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, that maybe you could live with them. Or that maybe if your ex could know just how you feel, s/he wouldn't want to break up after all. Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.

3.Keep your distance. Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, break completely away from each other immediately after the breakup. This means not seeing each other, no phone calls, no e-mails, no Instant Messaging, and most definitely no sex - not necessarily as a permanent measure (except where sex is concerned), but until you feel that you can converse with him/her on a purely platonic level, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive). If s/he tries to convince you to see him/her, ask yourself honestly what the point would be. If you're reliving the past by seeing him/her, it's not hard to get caught up in the moment and it will be harder to let go again. The longer you put off the end, the harder it is to stick to it and maintain your resolve, and the longer it will take to really get over it. Your pain will hold on as long as you do. Practice letting go. Let go. Let go. And now... let go. [You may have to have some contact in order to deal with the practical aspects of things like moving out, signing papers, etc., but try to limit this to what's absolutely necessary, and then keep such calls/meetings short and civil.]

4. Accept your pain. Have good long cries. It's okay to be hurt and sad, and it's okay to be alone. It's okay to feel like you have messed up - accepting responsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. On the other hand, you must also accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best and you're not the only one who made mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to begin to move on.

5. Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as if there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one - and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed being together for a while, but if the relationship was not what both you and your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better sooner than later.
Deal with the 'hate phase'. This is where you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the circumstances (was there infidelity? That makes it worse), and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change. There are so many positive things you can do with your emotions and energy.

6.Talk to your friends. You want people around you who love you and who will help you feel better about yourself again too. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile, worthy person, and you'll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a comforting net. Be wary of friends trying to connect you with another person, this is not what you need right now.
Write all your feelings down. Write in a journal or write poems. Most of all, be absolutely honest and don't edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to "get" valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you've been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself from having gone through it all with your heart open to both joy and pain. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be. Allow at least the learning part to enrich your life.

7. Make a list to keep you honest. One of the best tricks to help you stick to your resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your ex was not the one for you. Be ruthless and clear -- this is not the time to be forgiving. What you're doing is creating a picture for yourself that will call up an emotional response when you feel tempted to think that "maybe if you just did this or that, it would work out..." Write down what happened and how it made you feel, being clear about the things you never want to feel again. ["1. She always put me down in front of her parents and I felt humiliated. 2. I don't want to go to parties with him because he's always hitting on my friends -- it makes me feel physically sick! 3. When I ask her to help with the housework, she says she's exhausted from sitting at her desk all day, even though I've been driving that cab all day and I end up doing all the cleaning by myself!"] And so on. When you find yourself missing your ex in a weak moment, and think you might actually be getting too close to the telephone, get out this list, read it over a couple times, and then talk to yourself, "This is the truth of what it was like. Do I want to go back and torture myself again?" If you're caught in a low-self-esteem trap, thinking you don't deserve better, imagine this happening to a friend of yours, and think what you would say to your friend: "Get as far away as you can! That relationship was no good for you!"

8. Get organized! Clean up! A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and organizing your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn't require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with these tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain.
Keep fond memories, discard painful ones. There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex - a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the grieving process has had some time to process, don't allow yourself to dwell on painful feelings or memories. There are probably things that are pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition. Try walking around each room in your house with a box and removing things that make your heart ache or your stomach turn. Really focus and look carefully. You may realize that the little heart-shaped box sitting on the mantel was pretty invisible for the last couple years, but when you take a conscious look at it, you notice that every time you turn towards that corner of the room and it catches your eye, you feel a sharp little pain in your solar plexus. It can work wonders to clear your space of all these triggers. If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or a pin that was given to you by your ex, and it's a reminder of the good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping such a thing, but for the time being, try putting it away for later, when you've given yourself some time and space.

9. Find happiness in other areas of your life. Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, taking that class you've always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well.
Stay active. It's scientifically proven that exercise improves your mood and alleviates depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off your situation. Go running outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step.
Let go. Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time.

10. Take Time. Find a place where you feel comfortable, relaxed, and which is far away from your ex. Take a moment to listen, and to be alone or with someone you trust. Remind yourself that, even worse than the pain of a breakup, is continuing a relationship that was not right for one or both of you.

11. Think positively. Now that you are single, you have another opportunity to find someone else to be with, someone new and different. You won't feel bad forever. Change your behaviors; that will help change your thinking. Soon enough you'll be feeling released and free, and ready to take on new challenges. Make sure that in every endeavour you remember to be true to yourself.

Tips:
1. Walk out of your heartache, knowing that you have done all that you can do, said all that you can say, and given as much as you can give. When you feel that you did your part as best you could, but he or she didn't meet you halfway, then you will not need to torture yourself with "what-ifs".

2. Remember that your ex may be trying to get over you, as well. Be sensitive to that, and keep your distance. If you've decided to stop seeing one another, do just that: stop.
Sometimes it helps to listen to music that matches your feelings because you have stored up grief that needs a trigger to help you release it. But beware of wallowing. After a certain point, you're not helping yourself by going through it all again and again with the sad songs. Stephen Sondheim reminds us in his song "Into the Woods": "Into the woods and out of the woods and home before dark!" You can think of the grieving part of your process as "the woods": you may have to "go there", but you definitely shouldn't live there.

3. Remember those old catch phrases: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", "Everything happens for a reason", "There are other fish in the sea" and most of all, "This too shall pass". When you go through a breakup or some other emotionally challenging time in your life, you're actually getting closer to finding real happiness because you are getting to know your true inner self. This may or may not include other romantic relationships or an eventual long-term union. Whatever happens is okay, no matter what you choose to do in life.
As simple as this sounds, be clear to yourself that you are actually breaking up. Too often the thoughts of possibly being back together will creep in, distracting you from the work of healing. Such fantasizing gradually eats at you and destroys your emotional well being.

4. Accept the truth of your situation, and commit to it.
If your ex has left you for another person then ask yourself: if s/he said s/he wanted you back, would you really want him or her? Would you ever trust him not to break your heart again? Would you be hurt, angry, distrustful when he is 10 minutes late calling you, wondering where she is, who he is with? Though you may believe that the answer to all your prayers would be a reconciliation with your ex, if it did happen, you might find that Mr. Spock from Star Trek was right when he said "You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."
Freedom from fear is what you get when you end a relationship with a cheater. Sometimes the most liberating phase of a post-betrayal breakup is the sudden realization that you are no longer sitting at home waiting for a phone call, spending the evening obsessively searching for evidence of an affair, or just imagining what might be going on behind your back - you're done with all that! The one deserving person you need to take care of now is yourself, and it is so much easier to relax and just love yourself when you're not in constant fear. Count this as a gigantic blessing!

5. Keep your dignity. Many times, it's our own ego that causes the pain; we feel rejected and deceived, embarrassed. We doubt our self worth and adequacy. A breakup, especially one in which your partner has cheated on you, can really undermine your self-confidence and shake your self-esteem to the core. Help rebuild your inner stability by impressing yourself with accomplishment - volunteer, take a class, do things that remind you of your value as a person.

6. Remember that this pain just has to be survived. It takes a season of time to heal, like a broken arm - there is no magical, instant cure or relief. You won't die from it, though you may feel like you will for a time. Endure. Eventually you will feel better, the pain will lessen, and you will be able to love again.

7. This one can't be repeated enough: It's a good time to try something new. Try a new hobby, a style, a sport. It'll keep you going and moving on and if your brain is circling endlessly, obsessing on the details of your pain, learning something new will interrupt the repetitive cycle. Those dusty,rusty old gears need some fresh air and polish!
If you find yourself compulsively checking your ex's myspace, Facebook, or any other social networking profile, help yourself out and use the Firefox extension, blocksite, which allows you to block the URL to that profile. Sometimes it also helps to take them off your 'Friends' list, or 'de-friend' them, at least for a while. Even if things ended on a clean slate, it can be too painful to see what the other person is up to.
Your partner has a right to choose to be or not to be with you. Respect the decision. If your partner digs at you again, do behave with dignity. Taking the high road may be hard now, but you'll be glad later that you didn't stoop to the gutter, even though you could have.

8. Every day, find something that will make you smile. Smiling really helps, even at the worst time of your life. You are free to be whoever you want to be now, without thinking "will he/she mind if I do that?". Nothing is more important than you. Love yourself, love life, and when you wake up, SMILE! (Carole King's wonderful anthem "Beautiful" has the lines, "You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people gonna treat you better, you're gonna find -- yes you will -- that you're beautiful... as you feel." Sometimes it helps to play that song for yourself first thing every morning!)


Warnings:
Do not contact other people who have been interested in you to make yourself feel better or get involved with someone else (emotionally or sexually) right away. For one thing, it isn't fair to them, as they may become the victim of your rebound. But most importantly, it isn't fair to you. You need to grieve, and you need to heal. Allow yourself adequate time to process before starting a new relationship.
Don't look for so many distractions from the pain, emptiness, or heartache that you fail to process the emotions of loss adequately. You're supposed to grieve a lost relationship in which you'd invested yourself emotionally. Think about it - what kind of person could just say, "Whatever" and walk away as if nothing had happened? Ride it out - turning to destructive distractions like drugs, alcohol, casual sex, etc. will only make things worse, and can actually prolong the entire grieving process. If you try to hide from the pain, it just waits around the corner and jumps out at you as soon as the temporary relief of your "distraction" wears off. The best and only way to get to the other side of the sadness is to go straight through it with a clear head. Believe it or not, it's the fastest way as well. It won't be long until you do feel better.
If you were the one who got "dumped," avoid the temptation to chase after your ex, ask questions about what went wrong, and try to "fix" everything. It will only strengthen your ex's resolve to push you away, and will make the breakup much harder and more painful than it needs to be.
If your ex has done things to hurt you (other than breaking up), don't stoop to that level. It's pathetic and cruel and complicates your emotions -- your basic hurt and sadness is enough without adding confusion, guilt and other anxieties. You will get over it, you will feel better,and you will feel happier than you ever imagined the day you realize you're really starting to be over it -- the simpler your path from A to B, the easier and quicker it will be.
Although you may be tempted to take revenge, or send notification through third parties about your great success in life since the breakup - don't exert the energy. Allow things to run their course without your intervention - they have a way of working out just fine in the end.
Never contemplate suicide. You are ending a relationship - and even though it's hard to believe it, you are not ending life itself. Give yourself time to recover from the shock and sadness without entertaining thoughts of harming yourself. If you find you can't shake these thoughts after a few days, then you need to seek psychiatric help immediately.
Please remember too that if it didn't work the first time and the second or third time with this person, you have already promised yourself that "this time it will work out" and "if only I had another chance". You did, and it didn't, and you do not need any more proof because deep down, you already know that it doesn't work between the two of you. that it's not going to work. For the sake of your heart and your health (emotional and physical), let go and move on.



Things You'll Need:
You can do it without the following items, but they are highly recommended for the most rewarding (yes, really!) experience possible:
A few shoulders to cry on. It really does help to talk about it, preferably to more than just one person (if only to give your best friend some relief).
A Teddy Bear (for hugs and to talk to at 4am when everyone else is asleep.) That is, unless, your ex is named Ted. Dogs and cats will do, too, although pets may not always give you quite that loving sympathetic gaze and undivided attention that teddy bears are so good at. (But avoid the stuffed animals/gifts your ex gave you)
Hot showers (As much as you may not even want to get out of bed, much less get in the shower - *sniffle* "who cares if I wash my hair now, anyway?" - you will feel better after a shower, or a nice long soak in the tub. Hot water relaxes tense muscles, soothes anxiety and refreshes puffy eyes and swollen, tear-stained faces.
Paper and pens (a journal is perfect, paints and glue and other illustration tools, even better!)
Funny movies and absorbing novels can be a great temporary respite and laughter can really lighten your mood.
Healthy snacks! If you're one of the millions who try to fill that hollow sad feeling through your mouth (which doesn't work because food isn't what you're missing), fill the fridge with celery sticks and other light snacks that you won't regret later if you're nibbling nervously. (On the other hand, don't forget to eat! Heartbreak can often rob you of your appetite, but be sure not to to punish yourself and remember to think about your health, as you are the most important person now. Being ill from malnutrition won't help you be strong enough to move on. If you've lost your appetite, make sure you have the fridge stocked with relatively healthy food that you like, and make sure you eat enough to keep your energy up.)
Your sense of humor and your knowledge that "this too shall pass".
Lots of tissues.
Self-love. Even if you aren't feeling so hot about yourself right now, look in the mirror and remind yourself of all the good things about you, and the fact that breaking up does not mean there is something wrong with you. Find things you like about yourself. If you're having trouble telling yourself good things, go out and commit a covert act of kindness towards a friend or stranger and savor the feeling of having such a sweet secret. And remember that lots of great people have failed relationships; the fact that your relationship failed says nothing about you as a person. it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it means there was something not working in the relationship.
Friends and family can be a great support system - you may find that the people you're closest to will do anything and everything to help you heal and be happy again. Go out to play with them, even if you don't feel like it - you won't regret it. However, sometimes this isn't the case. If you have unsupportive people in your life, you need to seek support elsewhere. Make meeting supportive new people who share your interests part of your new challenge!
The realization that great guys/girls DO exist, this is not the last person you will ever love, and that one day you'll find the one for you that you'll go the distance with. If you found it once, you can find it again. Promise. :)
something to get your mind off of that certain guy or girl. try fun activities such as just hanging out with good friends or going shopping! you would be suprised at how much better you feel once you take your mind off of things and just have fun!



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