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Pushkill

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I'm 25, male, and am currently trying another stab at college after a failed career attempt.

During High School I had a very small group of really close friends, we all had very strong bonds with each other, and thought I never had a girlfriend it didn't bother me because my friends (who were both male and female) proved to be a great distraction. After High School things changed drastically. I never was a popular person, and I never really went along with the "flow" of the High School social scene (girls, dating, dances, parties, etc...). So when I got to college for the first time I kind of freaked out because I didn't have my group of friends anymore. So I decided to be pro-active and try new things. I went to parties, started drinking, dabbled in drugs, and made a lot of very shallow friends. I consider myself a shy person, even though I can interact in a social environment pretty well, I have a hard time actually being myself rather than someone who kind of goes with the flow of things. So about half a year into college I met a girl who I liked, and started hanging out with her a lot. She was also involved with another group of friends that I had, so we would talk and hang out together a lot, and then go hang out with this other group as well, but we were always pretty close (seemingly). So obviously I entered the friend-zone, I still liked the girl, but I also liked her as a close friend as well, so the fact that she didn't want to date me (which I never asked her about) was not a big deal, even though deep down inside I knew I still had feelings. Well, as it turns out she ended up starting to like this other guy in our group, and things became weird because she wasn't a close friend anymore and wanted to just hang out with this other guy, but since we were a group they still tried to include me in things, which was terrible because I would end up being the third wheel, and I felt very left out. After about a year and a half I got kicked out of school and lost connections with them because I had to move back home temporarily until I could get back in. I still havn't heard from either of them (5 years later) despite many attempts to try to get in touch again. So, that really made me feel used, as I had invested a lot of time and feeling into both of our friendships, especially the girls.

So a year later I go back to the same school, make ANOTHER group of friends, and do the SAME THING. I befriend a girl, I kinda like her but Im ok with a friendship, we become close, she dates my other friend and I never hear from them again. At this time I started to get angry and I decided to try to get a girlfriend. Easier said than done. I tried everything from blind dates to bars, and I could never find anyone who I either had a bond with or who ended up liking me as more than a friend. I did hook up randomly a couple times, because I originally thought sex was the issue, but that did not help me out at all, and I began feeling like I didn't matter, like I was always going to be the third wheel and that no one would care about me other than my parents. I finally cracked and told one of the girls what I was feeling, and she got really freaked out and I never heard from her again.

So, this process repeats TWO MORE TIMES (think I would learn right?), until I finally graduated and attempted to start up my adult life. After working for about a year I was really unhappy with the field I was going into, so I decided to move back home and try another career path. I have kept up a relationship with a couple of my friends from college, but it is very shallow and I do not feel close to them at all, they are just aquaintances. So now I am back in school, and I was hoping to do things right this time. It started out really well and I formed a small group of friends that I really really really looked up to. One in particular, of course, is a girl, and I for some reason I became close to her. This girl, until recently, I thought was different, she is like a weird alter-version of myself in that we both have very similar issues. For the first time since high school she felt like a true friend, she made me feel important and I didn't feel like the third wheel at all. Well, I started hanging out with her outside of the group, and I guess we became close (not boyfriend/girlfriend close, just friend close), but this time it was different because she was having a lot of the same problems with life that I was having. Well, low and behold, she develops feelings for this guy in our group (which consists of me, her, the guy, and another guy who is married), and I start becoming the third wheel again. She starts ignoring me, and when we are hanging out, doesn't listen to anything I say. We goto a tech-school, so it is commonplace for people to ask for help on certain things. So when she would ask a question I would try to help out, and she would either tell me to shut up or that she was going to figure it out after I had tried to help her. Then she would get frustrated again and ask again, but this time she would only ask my other friend (the one she likes) and he would give the EXACT SAME ANSWER as me, but she would actually listen to him for some reason. My biggest fear is that they will start having a serious relationship, and that I will lose both friends because of it. Why do they need me? they have each other and my other friend who is married, they can now do couples stuff (which im sure they would invite me, but I would ABSOLUTLEY hate going) So I started feeling bad after that, because here I am in the same spot again, I have no close friends, I have no one that I can share any type of bond with because the people that I thought I could share things with won't listen. I really thought I had got it right this time, and here it is the SAME goddamn predicament.

I feel really unimportant, like I am existing for people amusement until they get tired of me and move on, why am I the matchmaker all the time? Why can't I be the guy for once that has the girl like me? I'm not sure why i'm posting this but I have never really wrote it all out before. I feel really lonely, and I don't think I have a purpose in life. I really want a girlfriend, but that is mostly because I want someone that I can rely on, and feel a sense of mutual dedication. I'm really tired of being the "other friend" in the relationship. I think I take friendship more seriously than a lot of people, and I take things personally when friends dont act in ways that I act towards them. Am I trying to hard? I want someone, anyone, to like me for me for once, I want someone to remmember my birthday without having to tell everybody multiple times about it. I feel used, like I am an old toy that is brought out for occasionaly play time but that is second fiddle to all the other new toys. I am just looking for an opinion on all of this, every time I bring it up with people I know they freak out and don't want to be around me anymore. Thank you for reading.
 
That really sucks, I feel for you so much!!
Maybe you should try having multiple groups of friends? You know, spreading out the risk a bit? And maybe you should try making friends with just guys for once... It seems that girl-guy groups get incestual more often than not...that's not just the case with your experiences, that's just human nature!
You should move to Europe, people there are more loyal to their friends and its not common to have a new group of friends every month like it is in the states...
 
Moving out of the states has been something I have been contemplating for a long time. For the industry I am in, Canada seems like the best bet but I'm not sure if it is to similar to the states or not to see a big difference. The whole new group of friends every few months thing gets very tiring, I feel like a failure even though I guess I am just not finding the right type of people to be friends with. I guess I am in search of a best friend, and at my age it seems a lot of people already have best friends and are not looking for that type of friendship.

Thank you for your input, in a weird way it is nice to know that I am not the only one that has had these observations.
 

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