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Estreen

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Is all what I'm experiencing at the moment. Thankfully not so much of the anxiety 'cos I've had just about as much as I can of that from the past few days/past week.

I'm e-mailing my school advisor to set up a meeting to help me find a psychiatrist/psychologist 'cos I just can't go on like this unless I get lucky and it leaves, but there's no guarantee.

I feel like I can't talk to ANYONE in my RL about how I feel, about what's going on...and this is a first, because I am usually quick to want to express myself and/or tell people how I'm feeling, but...I just don't really want anyone to know anymore....I want to appear like I have it all together and like nothing's really wrong, so that people won't get turned off to talking to me or not want to hang out with me. I know some people say "just be yourself" but I do not WANT to be the person who I am.

Lately, I just want to be different...better, if you will. I practically hate myself sometimes. I'm not that charming, talented, interesting, or good looking, and anyone who thinks I am just based on my photos, hate to break it to you, but that's what ~10 minutes and a couple of good camera angles will do.

I'm losing focus lately in school. I'm actually down to a C+ in one of my classes...which is bad because the lowest I should honestly have is a B, if that. Not that I'm setting my sights too high; I just KNOW that that's my ability and there's really no excuse, aside from me slacking a bit lately. Thankfully my other grades are good so far (two high-range A's, and an A-, waiting on my last professor to post grades up for my Design II class, which I expect will either be a B+ or an A-). I'm not completely on top of my game lately...just ughh....

As for the doubts, I can only talk about that somewhere private, since this is a public forum and I just don't feel comfortable saying it here right now.
 
that's understandable no one wants to admit to someone else that they are lonely or depressed

we want people to think that were doing fine/ alright together

do you have a diary or a journal you can write in? that might help

do you have a teacher you could confide in

i hope you are able to feel better soon

*hugs*
 
Thanks Evfan. *hugs back*

I don't really have any teachers that I feel that comfortable with that I would want to confide in, but I have some blogs that I write in sporadically. I was actually thinking about making a brand new account on one of the sites I have an existing account on, so that no one would know that it's me. I might do that later.
 
Hi Estreen

I kind of how what you mean. That's why I still attend my support groups
and have a couple of sponsors.

Sometimes I had to sit and just cry in meetings...well, becuase I was falling
apart and couldn't keep a stright face anymore. I just had to say whatever
the heck I had to say. I wasn't okay and I didn't really want people to fixed
me...I just felt messed up inside and I had to let it out. A grown man crying
his heart out in front of people didn't take courage nor willingness...
I was just in so much freaken pains I wouldn't hold it in anymore.

Sometimes that's why my sponsor calls me..to check up on me or just chit chat,
talk about some serious issues or talk about whateve the hell was bothering him
or me. What help me was....he didn't really tell what to do nor judge me. He understood
me..becuase he has flaws, terribles days, insecure thoughts and just wanting to
crawl into a fital position sometimes....as I do.

Being able to just see my flaws and imperfection for whatever it was and to be
able to share about it or talked about it...was healing.

I no longer felt like I had to hide, put on an act, run away or check the fresia out.

It's sort of like a venting, letting and self acceptence process.
It was okay for me not to be perfect.
It was oaky for me to feel whatever the hell I felt.

You know...I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore.

Maybe there's group therapy avaiable in your area.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Some readings that helped me.....

“Emotophobia”—Fear of Negative Emotions

Cognitive therapist David Burns coined the term “emotophobia”
to refer to an excessive or irrational fear of negative
feelings. Specifically, these fears encompass anger, aggression,
or hostility and the conflict and confrontation that arouse
Who’s Pulling Your Strings?

If this is your hot button, you will go to almost any
lengths to avoid anger, conflict, and confrontation.
The manipulator’s task is relatively easy if your fear of
conflict, confrontation, and anger button is showing. A
manipulator can readily control your behavior through tactics
of intimidation—easily achieved by merely raising his or
her voice and/or hinting that anger may be on the verge of
breaking through. When this button is showing, a manipulator
needs only to make you sense that anger or conflict may
erupt. You are likely to comply with the manipulation just
to avoid even the mere possibility that anger or conflict may
emerge.

Soon you may even do the manipulator’s job for him: You
may conjure up in your mind a scenario that involves the
manipulator’s anger, and you take action to avoid it even
though no anger has yet occurred. The manipulator may not
even be around. However, your “emotophobia” is so strong
that you can play out the manipulator’s reaction in your mind
and allow yourself to be manipulated as a result.
The really dangerous aspect about fearing negative emotions
is that the longer you avoid dealing with them, the more
threatening and uncontrollable they feel. And the more you
avoid dealing with negative emotions, the less able you become
to deal with them effectively and appropriately.
Ironically, while you may not be fully aware of this connection,
the more you allow manipulators to control your
behavior, the angrier you are likely to become.
Is it possible—even desirable—to avoid all anger, conflict,
or confrontation? The fact of the matter is that negative emotions
are built into the hardwiring of human beings. What this
means is that all of us are programmed biologically to feel
anger and to respond defensively when others seek to harm
us or hurt those for whom we love or care. It is neither possible
nor desirable to be entirely rid of negative feelings.
Anger is not necessarily bad or unhealthy. Repressing or
chronically suppressing anger by going to great lengths to camouflage,
disguise, ignore, or otherwise avoid it is unhealthy.

How many times have you found yourself outwardly denying
your anger and resentment toward another person—especially
when that person is manipulating and controlling you—while
on the inside you feel anxious, panicked, and depressed?
Depression, by one psychological definition, is the result
of anger that you turn against yourself. Symptoms of anxiety,
sleeplessness, and irritability abound in relationships where
there is inadequate communication and an inability to confront
problems directly in order to reach greater understanding
and resolution.

Conflict can and should be handled constructively; when
it is, relationships benefit. Conflict avoidance is not the hallmark
of a good relationship. On the contrary, it is a symptom
of serious problems and of poor communication.
------------------------------------------------------

You Are Addicted to Earning the
Approval and Acceptance of Others

When you are “hooked,” you feel that you must earn the
approval and acceptance of others—all others. Moreover, you
need to avoid criticism, rejection, and abandonment at almost
any price.

At the core of your niceness is a dread fear of rejection and
abandonment. If you are a people-pleaser, you believe that by
being nice and always doing things for others—even at your
own expense—you will avoid the feelings that you so dread.
There is nothing wrong or unhealthy about valuing the
approval of others, especially those you love and respect.
Wanting to be liked by others is a perfectly natural human
desire. However, if your desire to be liked and approved of
by others becomes mandatory—when it feels essential to your
emotional survival, and the consequences of disapproval,
rejection, or criticism seem catastrophic—you have crossed
over into dangerous psychological territory. You will find
yourself in manipulation territory and under the thumb of
manipulators’ coercive control.

When the approval of others becomes more than desirable—
when it becomes imperative—you have become a mark
for manipulation. If you are an approval addict, your behavior
is as easy to control as that of any other junkie. All a
manipulator need do is a simple two-step process: Give you
what you crave, and then threaten to take it away.
Every drug dealer in the world plays this game. And since
you are an approval addict, the social world poses an ongoing
threat of loss.

First, the manipulator will let you earn his or her approval
and acceptance. Keep in mind, however, that like any addict,
you will consume whatever approval, acceptance, and displays
of positive regard that you receive. There is no storage
or banking of approval in your psychological economy. However
much approval and liking you may gain today, it simply
will not last; you will feel the craving for approval again
tomorrow. And however much approval you have been given
today, you will face your dreaded fear of losing that approval
and acceptance tomorrow. It is a vicious cycle—and one that
manipulators play adroitly.

Therefore, step 2 is abundantly clear: Once you are
hooked on the approval and acceptance of the manipulator,
all he or she needs to do is merely threaten to withdraw them.
Actually, since you are an approval addict, the threat of withdrawal
can even remain implicit. In other words, no one needs
to verbalize or overtly threaten to reject you or to take away
his or her approval or acceptance of you. The threat exists in
the very air you breathe.

Paradoxically, the more you identify with being nice
and pleasing others to guarantee and ensure their approval and
acceptance of you, the more insecure you will become. The more
you identify with being nice, instead of being real, the more you
will find yourself plagued by nagging doubts and insecurities
and lingering fears.

If your approval addiction is deeply entrenched, the button
that will show most clearly to manipulators is your willingness
to do nearly anything to avoid disapproval, rejection, and worst
of all, abandonment.
In love relationships or romantic entanglements that
become manipulative, fear of abandonment is the ultimate lever
of control.
 
Well, I've e-mailed my school advisor to meet so that I can see who she suggests I go see, for some counseling. I'm hoping that will help, both with the depression and the anxiety.

As for support groups, I have no idea if there's any around here or near the school, but I could ask around, and see. Thanks for the suggestion and advice.

Lonesome Crow said:
Hi Estreen

I kind of how what you mean. That's why I still attend my support groups
and have a couple of sponsors.

Sometimes I had to sit and just cry in meetings...well, becuase I was falling
apart and couldn't keep a stright face anymore. I just had to say whatever
the heck I had to say. I wasn't okay and I didn't really want people to fixed
me...I just felt messed up inside and I had to let it out. A grown man crying
his heart out in front of people didn't take courage nor willingness...
I was just in so much freaken pains I wouldn't hold it in anymore.

Sometimes that's why my sponsor calls me..to check up on me or just chit chat,
talk about some serious issues or talk about whateve the hell was bothering him
or me. What help me was....he didn't really tell what to do nor judge me. He understood
me..becuase he has flaws, terribles days, insecure thoughts and just wanting to
crawl into a fital position sometimes....as I do.

Being able to just see my flaws and imperfection for whatever it was and to be
able to share about it or talked about it...was healing.

I no longer felt like I had to hide, put on an act, run away or check the fresia out.

It's sort of like a venting and self acceptence process.
It was okay for me not to be perfect.
It was oaky for me to feel whatever the hell I felt.

Maybe there's group therapy avaiable in your area.
 
I kinda have been going through that too. My grades arent as high as I know they should be and just like you said that you know your ability.. and I havent been bothered to work for it.

I feel the same about talking to people RL. They all pretend to be perfect and problem free, but I know that no one is. It feels like if you open up to anyone they'll just back away and not wanna get involved into your problems too, like you're diseased or something :/ but sometimes you just cant keep up with that fake smile like everything is alright. If I talk about how I'm depressed they say I'm taking things too seriously.. What?? Once in the middle of class I couldnt take it anymore and so I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out (gosh I'm such a cry baby) but it felt good afterwards.

And for the past few months I've been going nuts tryna figure out who I am and what I'm meant to do and all thats stuff. I think that my major is wrong and I should change it but to what?! Now I'm pretty confused about everything else.

I just hope its a phase I'll get over asap.
 
Yeah, I started to cry during and after class on Friday...was just a tough day.

I am so ******* lonely and sometimes I just can't take it. I suck at a lot of stuff, I'm not that great, don't really have anything that special about me, no matter how hard I try. And now I feel so "emo" saying all this stuff....it's a bit hard for me to talk about this stuff cos I sound annoying to myself.

My god, I've been sitting on my lazy ass all day/night and I had to force myself to eat today...speaking of which...I should really do that again or I'm gonna mess up my stomach and metabolism.

I'm just so ******* sick of not being around people, particularly friends/family....Just about everyday, I'm alone, aside from classes but that only goes so far...then I have an empty apartment to go back to. Speaking of that....I'm supposed to be travelling back up to that tonight...and I'm just not looking forward to it. I almost feel like skipping class tomorrow...but that's not a smart idea. v_v
 
*hug*

I used to talk to my friend alot but then I started to feel like such a loser and all I wanna do is nag and ruin her day too so I stopped. But even when I let it out I felt like she didnt get me. Now I feel like I could explode.. If I talked to my older sister she'd tell me to "stop complainin about nothing because she's been through alot worse" than I have so that fails. So now no one gets me or bothers to try to. That makes me sad.

I sit online all day and avoid going out. I hate it when I tell people stuff about me because I feel like they know some dark secret and will judge me or smthing. Then I feel so stupid for having such a big mouth and not being able to just shut up..
 
I pretty much spend most of my days by myself now.

Half of the time I felt like a fish out of water. The other half
I felt like I was going out of my god **** mind.
I've been getting better adjusting to the changes of my life and by no means
I'm jumping for joy every morning when I get up.

I'm attend my support group meetings and try to work my 12 steps.
A lot of times, I think it's fucken retarded...I get burn out from working it.
I'm also a very spiritual person. However on somedays my spirit feels like saying fresia all this honeysuckle.
There's a lot of coping skill and living tools I've learned over the years...however they only
work if I work them or apply them to my life. Somedays, I don't feel like applying honeysuckle.

For the past 2 years of my life, I felt if though my recovery had been put through the god ****
acid test. Everything that could possibly went wrong...went fucken wrong.
Everything had been stripped from me..The poeple I love, my career, friends, wealth...etc
To top it off...there's god **** people stabing me in the back...
Okay, I built a good and solid foundation...No fucken pills or getting fresia up no matter what.
Not beating up on myself and loving myself no matter what ...not with grace but it kicks in.

I needed answer or something that's was going help me. Not in a millions years did I ever
imagine experince any of this crap in recovery...fresia I could had just partied my ass off
all those years and be in the same place where I'm at now. I felt more wacked out then
I ever was, if I was partying my ass off. Doing the right thing didn't do totally fucken squat
for me. I bascailly suffered from PTSD from living with my ex-gf becuase she was getting high out of
her freaken mind...and bascailly all the manipulations, chaos, turama and dramma that came with it.

I needed peace. Something that was going to stick, be more natraul and not a struggle.

I came across the Sedona Methdoe...This program helped me more than anything else I've
done...It's just a simple program of LETTING GO.
I listened to it a couple of times completely through. I felt releave within a week.
I still listen to it or apply the process of LETTING GO when I catch myself feeling like crap a little bit.

I also listen to Brain Sync...It's sound waves that's suppose to help your left brain and right brain
syncronize better...this too is helping me focus better.
It's working for me...I basically don't feel depressed after I listen to these sound files.
There're bascailly new age music with frequency of especific sound hezrt.
I listen to it when I excercise, jogging, ride my bike or during my slumber.

I also listen to "ultimate confidence" by Dr. Robet Anthony.
He gose into details of bascailly of helping me reparenting myself...change my ways of thinking.
He gose into details of guilt, shame, laziness, acceptence, fitting in, playing the victim....etc.
Bascailly everything . This too had also made a big improvment on how I process life today.
I'm been listen to his audio mp3 for the past couple of months to reinforce possitive message
into my brain or mind. There's probably 6 hours worth of material...I listen to it over and over
again almost everyday. Kind of like having a conselor or sponsor.
At the very least when I listen to it...it prevents my mind from going into auto pilot of negative thinking.
Then during the day (or now) I'll catch myself faster and I'll hear the positive message...as my thinking patterns
or thought process changes. Change my thinking change my life.
 
wow lonesome crow that's some interesting stuff

the last one i think is about histrionic personality disorder

which i'm pretty sure i have that, but i mean who doesn't?

*evfans tiny histrionic cabinet of the inner psyche comes unhinged and contents come spilling out* *and smothers modesty to death*

hmm this should play out nicely

i mean what's the point of just living a good life if no one knows about you

no i don't want to just have a good life,
how can i enjoy my life if no one knows me or even adores me



i just want every ******* person on the planet to love me

a world where everyone just basks in the glory of me!!!
and would do anything for me

muhahhahaha
*sighs*

i mean wow someone else's thread and i'm just going on about me all the time

i should just get an implant in my brain that constantly updates the what are thinking thread and twitter of all my thoughts

lols wouldn't that be... something
every five seconds constantly mundane obscene or random thought of mine would be uploaded online

:(

sorry

this is a typical person with severe histrionic personality disorder
if you think you know someone who has histrionic disorder

use the mnemonic praise me

P - provocative (or seductive) behavior
R - relationships, considered more intimate than they are
A - attention, must be at center of
I - influenced easily
S - speech (style) - wants to impress, lacks detail
E - emotional lability, shallowness
M - make-up - physical appearance used to draw attention to self
E - exaggerated emotions - theatrical

this thus concludes evfans random ambush of a psychology lesson


i hope you feel better soon estreen *hugs*

:)
 
Don't beat yourself up Estreen...

You should proud of yourself for making yourself eat today , Estreen...
Becuase I can only do my best...and somedays my best ain't worth a fresia.
When a person gose through depression...simple task such as eating becomes a major major task.
Anytime you do something positive for yourself..you should always priase yourself.

I also found this vedio informative and educational about the human brain.
It actaully makes sence to me becuase it's complicated :p

[youtube]T7nXiXQb2iM[/youtube]
 
Thanks Rocket. :) Speaking of eating...I've only eaten once today and I really need to put more into my system, including hydrating myself with some water.

I am so confused with stuff in life but now I just wanna be numb for a bit.
 
I also listen to this guy. He's straight up. He shares about he life's experinces, he'
flaws, charactor defects and shortcomings. He also shared how he overcame he's
challenges in life. He was an orphine and bascailly lived his life on the edge.lol
He was bascailly depressed as hell, confused and thought life sucked.
He went from going in and out jail...being homless then turn around and ran a homeless
shalter for other people..He also become more successful.
He bascailly talks about alot things that people don't want to hear.
The ugly truth...however it's good medician. He also talks about salutions.

It's 2 CD's....it's kind of like listen to a grand parent I nevered had.
There's a lot of wisdom...a lot of things I don't want or like to hear.
I can process the message better than if my dad was to tell me.lol

Just reading the title of the chapters gives you a general idea of the issues he talks about.

How to change your life in 7 steps
John Bird
Founder of The Big Issue
Narrated by Richard Mitchley

Introduction
1. Start with 3%
a) The despair of depression
b) Remember - one small step at a time

2. Stop thinking like a victim
a) The blame culture
b) The world may screw you up - but you have to sort yourself out
c) Pat's story
d) Stop making excuses
e) Stop feeling sorry for yourself
f) What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
g) You are no longer a victim if:

3. Be true to yourself and others
a) Lying feels good - until you get found out
b) Lying can even be dangerous...
c) Truth leads to freedom

4. Stop knocking everyone else
a) Put your energy to better use
b) Me, on the receiving end
c) People don't like facing up to change
d) Try to find sources of genuine support
e) Negative vibes in the workplace
f) Is it a broken egg? Or an omelette?

5. Think for yourself
a) Think, before you believe
b) Give your own true opinion, even if it's different
c) Listen to others, but believe in your own ideas

6. The importance of making mistakes
a) Some you lose
b) Maybe next year...
c) What are you afraid of?
d) Remember: you only have to start with 3%

7. Be your own leader
a) Times when someone has to take charge
 
I need to talk to a professional, possibly see a doctor. I'm trying to take care of myself but I'm scared, alone, and possibly anxiety-ridden. I can't tell if that's what's making me feel like this physically or if I have worse problems due to undernourishment over the weekend. I've been making myself eat small things every couple of hours, been drinking water (well right now I'm having some apple juice) but I still feel weak and blah and my chest feels tight/uncomfortable whenever I try to lay down for a nap.

I'd like to seek out a professional (counselor) of some sort, but any place I can think of, I would need an appointment, which is what I'm currently trying to do as well, but I need some help NOW. =\ I'm all alone up here, and even though I can cheer myself up from time to time, I'm still worried that I've really screwed my body over this weekend. v_v
 
hi Estreen, you say that your chest feels tight and uncomfortable when you try and take a nap, then seeing a doctor is a very good idea. if you are experiencing anxiety then your muscles are probably in a regular state of tension, sometimes without you even noticing it. i once read that a lot of tension builds up in and around the neck/shoulders. i would constantly take time to quickly focus on these areas and inevitably found my muscles were always knotted and tight and had to make a conscious effort to relax them. i still do this wherever i am and whatever i am doing, and find that the tension just keeps coming back without my awareness but remembering to diffuse it can help a little.

i dont know if this is the case with you, but when i used experience a LOT of anxiety i went through a period for a few years where i would lie in bed trying to fall asleep and would listen to my heart beat thinking that it there was something wrong with it. that it was irregular, or weak, or it just might stop at any moment! i think this was panic, phobia and anxiety all rolled into one. it created a feedback loop - more anxiety, more fear of a heartattack, and back to increased anxiety.

you are young and your body is more than likely in pretty good physical condition. i assume you dont smoke or eat fast food 24/7, so i am relatively sure you are in good health. the physical body is very strong, you can do a lot of destructive things to it and it keeps soldiering on. it is unlikely that you 'screwed your body over in a weekend', unless you drank a gallon of gasoline or something :)

regarding the other demonic turds of life (depression, lonliness, doubts), i can only send you positive vibes across the equator, all the way from australia so they will smell a bit like eucalyptus.

take care of yourself :)
 
Thank you P2P. =]

Yes, focusing on my heart beat doesn't make me feel better. I usually feel the same way and get freaked out. As a matter of fact, that's how I had my first (and worst) anxiety attack. *shudders* My boyfriend once tried to help me by having me focus on his but that just made me feel more uncomfortable for some reason. Guess it just reminded me of my own heart and my paranoia of getting a heart attack.

I know I shouldn't be worrying about heart attacks and such, but my body's not the healthiest it should be. I really need a nutritionist to help me get on track with eating right.

Thank you for the helpful post. :)
 

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