Depression is killing my marriage

[hundal]

That sounds like a difficult circumstance. I believe that many couples use alcohol as a way to escape reality. My neighbors are heavier drinkers. He had treatment for depression resistance. He is now completely fine.

 

[user 188522]

Glad to hear you are planning to go to therapy. There are some excellent pharmaceuticals out there that can help, especially if your wife is bipolar.

 

[okidoke]

Medication is not a cure. It’s just something to help you get some balance so you can concentrate on other aspects. Once you’re going well in those areas, you can ween off the meds. Meds also need time to work (around 4-6 weeks) and may need increasing or decreasing of dosage or even a complete change to a different type. You can’t tell until you start. The best way to tackle depression is thru consistent exercise and good diet. From there you work on your anxieties and what holds you back.

 

[user 190648]

Not a new thread, but I wish to all of you who posted, to get to the other side of the struggle safely and in satisfying way!!

I would double @okidoke -- medication is not a cure. Issues and reasons that aren't chemical, cannot be fought out by chemical "tools". Rather, such could exacerbate the problem, very often.

 

[user 190648]

I won't try and offer advice because this is a tricky situation. Very few will understand it.
You feel like your emotions/thoughts will be weaponized against you, so it's better to ultimately suffer in silence - on your end.

You're constantly worried / waiting for the next meltdown and you essentially feel like you have to walk on eggshells in your own home. You suffer as much as she does, but you keep it all in. This kind of stress and anxiety is not good for your health. You need to take care of yourself too, especially if you two have children together.

A home is meant to be a place of comfort and serenity, not a battle-zone.

I am sorry you are going through this. <3

I can't believe how you have described it like with my own words. Thank you.
This has to be pinned somewhere on the wall, for all the people out there in life, who pretend that the home environment can't be a reason why your whole persona becomes and remains vulnerable af.

 

[homelessincheshire]

Hi. As the title indicates, my marriage is far less than ideal. I love my wife. Divorce is not an option. I made a promise that I would remain married to her until death. And I refuse to break that promise of fidelity of love. After 22 years of being married, I am depressed and lonely and frustrated.

My wife has been suffering from depression for over 15 years. She has constantly fought getting treatment, and finally is on medication – which only alleviates the symptoms to a degree. It tears me up to see her suffer and I cannot begin to describe the internal pain. Over the years, when she would have her meltdowns, she would say things to me that are downright hurtful. Some things are deserved because I am not perfect and have my failings. Other things are either made up or I have already rectified. I’m ashamed to say this, but I don’t think I can handle this emotional abuse any more. Whether or not it stems from my wife or my wife’s depression doesn’t change the fact that emotional torture is there.

Now, whenever she gets this way, I close up. I sit there and refuse to engage, refuse to offer any support, refuse to respond. It hurts less to wall up and not respond. This isn’t helping her, and I can no longer talk to her about what is happening internally because of the intense fear of exposing that raw emotional wound for her to then jab and cause more pain.

She doesn’t want to leave, and when she feels better, she apologizes. But this isn’t solving the problem. In fact, this problem has made me avoid any sort of conflict. I find myself anxious, so much so I can no longer watch movies that have any sort of suspense or read suspenseful novels. I avoid confrontation at work (even when I need to bring up legit problems – and my career is stuck as a result), I even avoid confrontation with my teenagers (and this isn’t giving them the guidance they need). All of the confrontation with my wife makes me flinch from confrontation with anybody else.

No friends here – we relocated 5 years ago and I can’t open up enough to form friendships. No recreations since I get shredded for those when she has her bouts of depression. I suppose I need to start standing up for myself again, but I want her healed and I want her to be happy. If by giving up my recreations she can have less stress … But this obviously isn’t helping.

Sad most of the time, fighting not to start drinking again, missing the wife I married 22 years ago, just wanting to give up everything but knowing that I won’t break my promise. I want to quit my job, quit my family, quit my life. I can't, because that will only hurt those I love. But that doesn't change the fact that I want to just give up. I don’t know how to stop the pain for both of us.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I don’t know if posting this will help at all, but I don’t know what to do. Just want to be happy with my wife again.

My advise....
Communicate as best as you possibly can with eachother, listen, be slow to speak and work it out privately. Stay away from counciling or marriage guidance, you both have the key to eachother, just be kind, gentle and loving and communicate, don't keep ANYTHING from your spouse

 

[Zorananda]

I hope therapy and meds can help restore the situation to one that is liveable. Otherwise, in an unliveable situation...well...some people choose not to live. I personally have struggled with this question throughout my life. I cannot understand how suffering has any value or justification.