Depression is killing my marriage

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dpet12569

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Hi. As the title indicates, my marriage is far less than ideal. I love my wife. Divorce is not an option. I made a promise that I would remain married to her until death. And I refuse to break that promise of fidelity of love. After 22 years of being married, I am depressed and lonely and frustrated.

My wife has been suffering from depression for over 15 years. She has constantly fought getting treatment, and finally is on medication – which only alleviates the symptoms to a degree. It tears me up to see her suffer and I cannot begin to describe the internal pain. Over the years, when she would have her meltdowns, she would say things to me that are downright hurtful. Some things are deserved because I am not perfect and have my failings. Other things are either made up or I have already rectified. I’m ashamed to say this, but I don’t think I can handle this emotional abuse any more. Whether or not it stems from my wife or my wife’s depression doesn’t change the fact that emotional torture is there.

Now, whenever she gets this way, I close up. I sit there and refuse to engage, refuse to offer any support, refuse to respond. It hurts less to wall up and not respond. This isn’t helping her, and I can no longer talk to her about what is happening internally because of the intense fear of exposing that raw emotional wound for her to then jab and cause more pain.

She doesn’t want to leave, and when she feels better, she apologizes. But this isn’t solving the problem. In fact, this problem has made me avoid any sort of conflict. I find myself anxious, so much so I can no longer watch movies that have any sort of suspense or read suspenseful novels. I avoid confrontation at work (even when I need to bring up legit problems – and my career is stuck as a result), I even avoid confrontation with my teenagers (and this isn’t giving them the guidance they need). All of the confrontation with my wife makes me flinch from confrontation with anybody else.

No friends here – we relocated 5 years ago and I can’t open up enough to form friendships. No recreations since I get shredded for those when she has her bouts of depression. I suppose I need to start standing up for myself again, but I want her healed and I want her to be happy. If by giving up my recreations she can have less stress … But this obviously isn’t helping.

Sad most of the time, fighting not to start drinking again, missing the wife I married 22 years ago, just wanting to give up everything but knowing that I won’t break my promise. I want to quit my job, quit my family, quit my life. I can't, because that will only hurt those I love. But that doesn't change the fact that I want to just give up. I don’t know how to stop the pain for both of us.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I don’t know if posting this will help at all, but I don’t know what to do. Just want to be happy with my wife again.
 
Depression is self sustaining. We fall into practices that increases it. To over come depression we need to avoid those things that make it worse.

I've gone down the medication road and never again. It's just a bandaid.

These are things that have helped me. Maybe some will help her.

1. Flowers. Spring is natural depression suppression. The scents and colors can help to fight depression. Visit a botanical garden. Even a walk through a garden shop is useful. I prefer to linger in a real flower shop, but even Home Depot is beneficial. Maybe start with a bouquet?

2. Scenery. For me, vast open hills... Sound of Music sort of fields. Just gazing across the grassy open is calming and uplifting. Go for a drive. Find scenery that takes her attention. Mountain overlooks, streams and rivers. I love to walk out on a bridge and stare at the water rushing below. Consider her interests. She likely rejects them now, but you have to get her back little by little. As depression lifts she'll be more inclined to participate.

3. Licorice. Real licorice. You can make a tea out of licorice extract, or just buy a licorice tea. There is licorice powder that might go well in pastries, if you cook at all.

Yogi makes Egyptian Licorice tea. It's rather strong. They have another with mint. I think their Breathe Deep tea has licorice in it.

Stash makes Licorice Spice tea that is more subtle. Also a minty version.

Not anise (pronounced a-niece). Use pure licorice products.

4. Stay busy. There are things we have to do. They don't help. Things we want to do do. I'm very creative, so anything like that helps me, but gardening, furniture restoration, painting (canvas, not walls), baking.... you get the idea.

5. Avoid arguments. Let her know undoubtedly that you still care. If you want to get your wife over it you'll have to take a hit to your ego now and then. Don't oppose what she says, just roll with it. You have to keep in mind that her brain chemistry is off. She might not agree with herself in a day or two.

6. Eat right. Low carbs. High protein. Few sweets if any. Comfort food now and then but seldome. They'll raise your spirit for a bit but then drop you lower than what you were.

All of these over the course of years can help to bring her back. There is no quick fix. Her brain needs to adapt to regular chemistry. Antidepressants just make the brain dependent on outside sources. If you want to keep her mind healthy you have to fix it at the foundation.

FYI: Licorice is a double edged sword. Some don't like it much. But it is also a laxative. Don't over do.
 
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Thanks for reading and replying. I didn't know that about licorice, though. We do eat a balanced diet, go for walks, go hiking. She likes going by creeks and just sitting and watching the water. I will have to encourage those things - not just for her, but for myself.

I am just finding it harder to be there emotionaly for her. Its almost like I have developed a type of ptsd in this regard - she starts getting this way, and I disengage. I now find myself depressed and just want to stop caring.

Thanks again for reading - I needed to tell somebody.
 
I'm so sorry you are both suffering, I find depression is all encompassing. When I would stop taking my medication, my whole family was given the mood swing treatment, and outbursts, they also had to deal with the multiple suicide attempts, after trying to hide it and make it go away, I was sectioned multiple times.

The love and understanding from my father never stopped, ever, but my mum well... she was over it very quickly... It kills all romance prospects for me, and I just cant always trust myself, my feelings.


Going grey rock can be traumatising but if you have to do it, then you just have to. I found when people stopped offering support the depression would swallow me deeper, start getting intrusive thoughts like no one loves me anyway what am I still doing here, no one cares...


I think you are brave for talking out your emotions and sticking by your wife during this hard time. I, like you, am a person of my word, I would never leave my husband no matter what if I had one, so I completely understand.

Side question- Why do you want to quit your job? Is work also stressful?
 
I'm so sorry to hear this,have you tried talking to your wife?by telling her how you feel,I think you should sit down with her and tell her exactly what is on your mind,and how she is making you feel,you can both get through this tough time together.
 
Hi. As the title indicates, my marriage is far less than ideal. I love my wife. Divorce is not an option. I made a promise that I would remain married to her until death. And I refuse to break that promise of fidelity of love. After 22 years of being married, I am depressed and lonely and frustrated.

My wife has been suffering from depression for over 15 years. She has constantly fought getting treatment, and finally is on medication – which only alleviates the symptoms to a degree. It tears me up to see her suffer and I cannot begin to describe the internal pain. Over the years, when she would have her meltdowns, she would say things to me that are downright hurtful. Some things are deserved because I am not perfect and have my failings. Other things are either made up or I have already rectified. I’m ashamed to say this, but I don’t think I can handle this emotional abuse any more. Whether or not it stems from my wife or my wife’s depression doesn’t change the fact that emotional torture is there.

Now, whenever she gets this way, I close up. I sit there and refuse to engage, refuse to offer any support, refuse to respond. It hurts less to wall up and not respond. This isn’t helping her, and I can no longer talk to her about what is happening internally because of the intense fear of exposing that raw emotional wound for her to then jab and cause more pain.

She doesn’t want to leave, and when she feels better, she apologizes. But this isn’t solving the problem. In fact, this problem has made me avoid any sort of conflict. I find myself anxious, so much so I can no longer watch movies that have any sort of suspense or read suspenseful novels. I avoid confrontation at work (even when I need to bring up legit problems – and my career is stuck as a result), I even avoid confrontation with my teenagers (and this isn’t giving them the guidance they need). All of the confrontation with my wife makes me flinch from confrontation with anybody else.

No friends here – we relocated 5 years ago and I can’t open up enough to form friendships. No recreations since I get shredded for those when she has her bouts of depression. I suppose I need to start standing up for myself again, but I want her healed and I want her to be happy. If by giving up my recreations she can have less stress … But this obviously isn’t helping.

Sad most of the time, fighting not to start drinking again, missing the wife I married 22 years ago, just wanting to give up everything but knowing that I won’t break my promise. I want to quit my job, quit my family, quit my life. I can't, because that will only hurt those I love. But that doesn't change the fact that I want to just give up. I don’t know how to stop the pain for both of us.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I don’t know if posting this will help at all, but I don’t know what to do. Just want to be happy with my wife again.
And welcome to the forum site
 
I'm so sorry you are both suffering, I find depression is all encompassing. When I would stop taking my medication, my whole family was given the mood swing treatment, and outbursts, they also had to deal with the multiple suicide attempts, after trying to hide it and make it go away, I was sectioned multiple times.

The love and understanding from my father never stopped, ever, but my mum well... she was over it very quickly... It kills all romance prospects for me, and I just cant always trust myself, my feelings.


Going grey rock can be traumatising but if you have to do it, then you just have to. I found when people stopped offering support the depression would swallow me deeper, start getting intrusive thoughts like no one loves me anyway what am I still doing here, no one cares...


I think you are brave for talking out your emotions and sticking by your wife during this hard time. I, like you, am a person of my word, I would never leave my husband no matter what if I had one, so I completely understand.

Side question- Why do you want to quit your job? Is work also stressful?
No - work isn't stressful, and it is a good job. Its just that I bring the pain with me and I want it all to stop. Hard to explain, but its like I have lost most of my motivation and drive to do anything at all. Just being at work (or any place with people around, for that matter) takes too much effort.

I know closing myself off makes it worse on my wife. Try not to, but there are times when it hurts too much for me not close myself.

Interesting you said you can't trust yourself. Wife is the same way - she can't trust her feelings. When she is happy, she starts feeling like its too good to be true and then goes into doubt and guilt and ends up being back at square one. And when she is happy, I can't engage that much, because I know she is going to turn at any moment.
 
I'm so sorry to hear this,have you tried talking to your wife?by telling her how you feel,I think you should sit down with her and tell her exactly what is on your mind,and how she is making you feel,you can both get through this tough time together.
I have, at times. Then she gets depressed and uses that conversation as fuel to get deeper into depression - as if I have added another burden onto her and then attacks me for it. So it is "damned if I do, damned if I don't"
 
I won't try and offer advice because this is a tricky situation. Very few will understand it.
You feel like your emotions/thoughts will be weaponized against you, so it's better to ultimately suffer in silence - on your end.

You're constantly worried / waiting for the next meltdown and you essentially feel like you have to walk on eggshells in your own home. You suffer as much as she does, but you keep it all in. This kind of stress and anxiety is not good for your health. You need to take care of yourself too, especially if you two have children together.

A home is meant to be a place of comfort and serenity, not a battle-zone.

I am sorry you are going through this. <3
 
I won't try and offer advice because this is a tricky situation. Very few will understand it.
You feel like your emotions/thoughts will be weaponized against you, so it's better to ultimately suffer in silence - on your end.

You're constantly worried / waiting for the next meltdown and you essentially feel like you have to walk on eggshells in your own home. You suffer as much as she does, but you keep it all in. This kind of stress and anxiety is not good for your health. You need to take care of yourself too, especially if you two have children together.

A home is meant to be a place of comfort and serenity, not a battle-zone.

I am sorry you are going through this. <3
You described the situation perfectly. Thanks for the understanding.
 
No - work isn't stressful, and it is a good job. Its just that I bring the pain with me and I want it all to stop. Hard to explain, but its like I have lost most of my motivation and drive to do anything at all. Just being at work (or any place with people around, for that matter) takes too much effort.

I know closing myself off makes it worse on my wife. Try not to, but there are times when it hurts too much for me not close myself.

Interesting you said you can't trust yourself. Wife is the same way - she can't trust her feelings. When she is happy, she starts feeling like its too good to be true and then goes into doubt and guilt and ends up being back at square one. And when she is happy, I can't engage that much, because I know she is going to turn at any moment.
Ah I understand, it's so hard. Hard to be unhappy at home and still head to work, it leads to your own version of low mood, even if its not full blown depression.

I feel like the frustration can be similar to dealing with a partner with dementia, it's this whole new person, there seems to be no clear cure, no one asks to get sick so what is anyone to do? Honestly, it sounds like you are doing your very best.

I cant trust myself, sometimes I feel untouchable, randomly this surge of positive emotions takes over. I open businesses and I start working hard, I tell everyone I am cured, it's different, I am me again. Only to find myself back in hospital, disappointing everyone I care about.

It's a spiral, there is no straight-line with depression sadly. You are in for a bumpy ride, I hope you remember to take care of you too.

That's super important.
 
You described the situation perfectly. Thanks for the understanding.
I also wanted to add, you choosing to stay in the marriage like this, refusing to turn your back on your wife -shows that you're a man of loyalty. Not many are this noble anymore.

"Til Death Do Us Part" used to mean something. I'm happy to see, to some it still does. You don't turn your back on those you love, you try and help as much as you can. In cases like this - of course, because your martial woes don't stem from fidelity issues. It's all emotional problems.

I feel for you, a lot. I wish you and your wife positivity - and hope you two can find the happiness you once had - together - again.
 
Hi dpet12569, I think I'm in a very similar situation. However, I don't see it as dramatic as you, not anymore. It's just life. No one is perfect and trying to live with life imperfections is probably the only way to get through. Live your life, make the best of it, make it as fulfilling as you can without looking at others around, build it around you and if you can don't forget about your wife's needs. Be selfish but be happy.

PS I find what others earlier, especially cenotaphGirl, write really helpful.
 
Abuse of any kind is never acceptable. You should definitely let her know that it's not okay and she needs to stop.
I won't tell you to leave her, since you said you won't, but you are just as important as her and you don't deserve abuse, regardless of the reason.

My advice would be to find your own life apart from her. Every couple should have individual lives away from each other. Not that you can never include her in that life, but you need "me" time. Go out and find it. Take care of yourself because until she wants help, nothing will work. So make sure she knows you are there to support her, but go out and find yourself.
 
I also wanted to add, you choosing to stay in the marriage like this, refusing to turn your back on your wife -shows that you're a man of loyalty. Not many are this noble anymore.

"Til Death Do Us Part" used to mean something. I'm happy to see, to some it still does. You don't turn your back on those you love, you try and help as much as you can. In cases like this - of course, because your martial woes don't stem from fidelity issues. It's all emotional problems.

I feel for you, a lot. I wish you and your wife positivity - and hope you two can find the happiness you once had - together - again
Thanks for the kind words. They help. I am going to take a deep breath and get back into it. No giving up - I would be far more miserable with that guilt.
 
That sounds like a tough situation. But, not all that unique. I think many couples turn to alcohol to avoid reality. My neighbors drink like fish. After living with depression for so long it may take drastic measures to resolve it such as shock therapy along with other treatments.
 
Thank you all for listening. It helped - a lot. I needed to unburden myself but had no one to talk to. Glad I found this forum. You all are wonderful! Instead of my usual cycle of being down and sadness feeding on itself, talking with you broke the pattern and made things better.

I hope I can return the favor.
 
Abuse of any kind is never acceptable. You should definitely let her know that it's not okay and she needs to stop.
I won't tell you to leave her, since you said you won't, but you are just as important as her and you don't deserve abuse, regardless of the reason.

My advice would be to find your own life apart from her. Every couple should have individual lives away from each other. Not that you can never include her in that life, but you need "me" time. Go out and find it. Take care of yourself because until she wants help, nothing will work. So make sure she knows you are there to support her, but go out and find yourself.
I second this. I've never had children; but, I wouldn't want to teach them it's okay to accept willfully maligned behavior like that.

Marriage is always a two way street; but, living in fear like that is bull honeysuckle, period.

If your marriage contract is truly that important to you, I suggest getting an apartment, and making your healing a number one priority.

It sounds like she simply resents you for not being as low as she is, and not only wants to bring you down to her level, but below it, so she can lord over you in her misery.

Get an apartment, and have your own space where you can escape that honeysuckle, and draw some lines in the sand.

I wish you well, and wish healing for you. Fear and love don't mix. Love is the opposite of fear.

The promise was to love, not fear.

I'd also recommend the book "A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup For The Soul." I was given a copy by a family member a while back and it really reminded me of my ability to empathize; there's a lot of good stories in there. It has a large Christian leaning to it; but, even as some one who identifies as agnostic/buddhist in my spirituality, it was still a wonderful book. It will be something to keep your spirits up while you sort things out.

There's another book called, "stop walking on egg shells." I've only heard of it; I haven't read it...

I'm not one to believe that psychology always has the answers these days. It can help some people; but, I also think it hurts many people too. I think people can get themselves into trouble when they become arm chair psychologists, and even people trained in the field can often be extremely detrimental, more often than not, sometimes.
 
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Just wanted to provide an update - had a heart-to-heart with my wife this weekend. She agreed to see a therapist. Praised be God!

Thanks again for the feedback, empathy, and advice the other day. Being able to get this weight off my chest helped, and all the feedback motivated me to have this serious talk with my wife. Our difficulties are not over, but her agreeing to see a therapist is a much needed first step in resolving her depression issues. (In fact, I plan to see one myself to help me overcome my emotional "flinching" and tendency to close up)

This was the first time I vented to anybody about this (I had to, or crack under pressure). I am touched by the genuine care you all showed. Your kindness and respect were absolutely beyond my expectations!
 

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