Depression is such a *****

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tennisgirl

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I am really struggling with my depression at the moment, I have no concentration, I don’t want to be around people and I feel so useless, as well as not trusting anything I do. I always feel like this to an extent but the severity has increased to a level I feel I can’t cope with. I am feeling so much despair, I don’t know what to do. I’ve no idea why I’m posting this... there’s no point to it. I just felt like writing. The problem is, people forget. I’ve told my mother, father, sister about how I feel... They sympathise for a while and they forget. They move on with their lives but they don’t see me rooted at the same spot with a pained look in my eyes. They try to cheer me up and it may even work for all of 1 hour. Then what? I feel bad, though, because why should I let my problems affect their lives? When you're depressed and you have "loved ones" trying to make you get out of it, they just don't get it, it's like your own little world, and people need a password to get in. I just feel worthless and like I’m a burden on everyone around me. It hurts, I feel so alone, and I feel like screaming because no one knows the pain. When I try to let people in, I just end up feeling guilty for dumping all my problems on them. The worst part is when you have no one to talk to... & you feel like you are a burden to those very few that you do have in your life. I even feel like a burden to the one person I feel comfortable opening up to online, or like I’m relying on them too much. I know that I can do things for myself to make myself feel better. Most of the time It’s so hard to even do that. I played piano a little bit today and that was okay. I just feel overwhelming sadness right now and my anxiety is so bad, it ******* hurts. I feel like such a weak person and I find it so hard to talk about how I feel. I get embarrassed and ashamed to be like this. I even feel ashamed for posting this here... but then, none of you know me, so I guess that makes it easier. Why is guilt so alive when you are down. Eh, who knows if I’m even making any sense here. I am one of those people that by anyone else's standards shouldn't be depressed (have supportive family, good education etc) but I guess questionning whether I have the right to be depressed compared to others is not going make any difference to the way I feel. Telling myself that I shouldn’t be depressed because there are people worse off than me just makes me feel even worse. When does that day come when I don’t need to spend most of my time at home because I can’t go out due to depression and anxiety? When will my heart will be released from pain? I’m just so tired and lost. I feel too weak to get better, yet I'm too weak to end things. Everything is a mess. I'm so pathetic. I can't do even simple things... god what the hell am I going here on this planet, why am I still alive... everything just goes so wrong. I need too much help. I feel so lost and disconnected from this society. I thought I was ok. I felt, dare I say, good for a few days, I've tried to think rationally about the steps I need to take to overcome this and the anxiety. Now, suddenly, it feels like the floor dropped out from under my feet. Why? I don't understand. Life is one mystery and I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. People say “try to be happier”... Am I the only one who feels like I didn’t get that manual on how to be happier? Somewhere along the way, I didn’t pick up the tools, so why do people keep telling me to be happy when I just don’t know how. I honestly can't remember what it feels like to be happy. Everything just seems so out of control, and I think I’m going to lose it pretty soon. I’ve run out of reasons why I should live. I am always afraid of everything. I am always alone... even when I’m not. I live a nightmare each and everyday and I feel trapped within my own mind. I can’t get out. I feel like I don’t want to live, but I’m kept alive by a small part of me that is silently holding on to the hope that things might get better. I’m going to see a therapist next week. Probably should have done this years ago. I feel as if it is the last option. I can’t do it on my own anymore... but what is she going to tell me that I don’t already know? I’m having a very hard time and just want to give up. I don’t want to deal with it all anymore. I just want to scream “why the hell am I like this, why can’t I just feel happy?” I don’t know why I feel like crap and why I just can’t see the light. I can’t think of a reason why I am this person, I mean I know that it’s all my fault that I have depression, but it’s affecting my whole life. I just want some hope that things can change.

Ok, that’s enough. Sorry for writing all this rubbish. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I probably sound like an attention seeking brat. I know I’m negative, pessimistic and all those other bad things and I really should have tried to be more “positive” with my post... I guess I just wrote what was in my head.
 
Sorry to see that you are having such a difficult time. :(:(:(:(:(
I know exactly what you're talking about when you talk about "Telling myself that I shouldn’t be depressed because there are people worse off than me just makes me feel even worse."
When I feel like you do what I usually try is just to survive one hour at the time, try to keep my mind busy (even if this just means browsing through this forum!). Maybe next hour will be better!
I am not very good in writing or giving advices but I noticed that nobody is online to answer your thread. Don't really know what to say but I am sure that as soon as someone sees your thread they will answer it with good advice. Hang on there tennisgirl!
 
Hey tennisgirl, I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. You're right, it's not so easy to just snap your fingers and be happy when you just simply cannot. I understand though how you feel when you say that people just don't see what is really going on with you despite the fact that you've told them your feelings and problems.

I know nothing much I say right now may help you feel somewhat a little better but I do hope that your therapy sessions will help you out and hopefully, make you feel much better in life than how you do now. I'm not so much of someone who gives any great advice but I hear you and I understand. I'm here if you feel like you need to talk to someone or to let it out.

Hope you feel better soon *hugs*
 
I know exactly what you mean. The thing is, I may have told my family about my problems back in the day. But I did this once or twice because I knew it was all to waste. The reason I did say anything was more for personal benefit of just letting it out of my system. I knew that they wouldn't be able to help, 1. you have to experience what depression truly is to be able to relate and help a person, 2. what can I expect them to do?... call up people and ask to hang out with me?...

Seeing a therapist might be the best thing you could do… It's a lot different when someone reaches out on a personal basis... it's more effective that way.

Anyways, in uni, there was a point when I fell into a deep depression, nothing went right, I was close to dropping out (figured no point in wasting money on tuition)...

But then I learnt something. A prof gave a pep talk about getting depressed and all that (I have no clue what triggered it), but it was probably the best thing that could have happened.

This is what I got out of it, and by all means it's easier said than done, but it works: you need to learn how to say "Screw it/ fresia it" (sorry for the language)... it helps you move on with your life. When you’re depressed, lonely, you pretty much hit the low point of life, can't get any worse than that.

When you get that feeling that you just want to loose it/ scream/ whatever... just say F#@K it, you can't change the past (that's done), you can't go back and do things differently. Unfortunately you have to accept that your lonely... you can't do anything about it in the short term, so your best odds are to say Ok, so I'm depressed, if I continue to worry about this and "beat myself up" for the way I am, I'm just gonna fall deeper and deeper into depression. This will just make it harder to go back, will only make you feel more socially awkward.
That's the thing about depression, it makes you TOO conscious of every action you take, or every word you speak, that you're scared to say the wrong thing, especially because you think you can't relate. But see, if you end up making an “ass” out of yourself, you know that your just back at the starting point, so just say screw it, time to try again. (I know I said something really stupid and someone laughed, I kinda laughed with her… now I get a friendly Hi when we meet on campus… nothing special but hey, definitely doesn’t make you feel bad when someone greets you).

I don’t know if I’m getting exactly my point across… I hope so. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you won’t have days where you feel you can’t take it anymore, but they come less frequently, easier to deal with. As for the other days, you end up not really thinking about how lonely you are, but how to improve your situation…

Best of luck
 
yes......i look at it this way once you find a spouse,it will all disappear

er....ehm hopefully lol
 
Tennisgirl,

I would hold your hand right now if I could.

Trust me that everything that you are feeling is natural. We /all/ have weak moments, even the strongest amongst us, so being depressed and down, feeling hopeless and astray, commonly afflicts us all.

You can't artificially make yourself happier in any healthy way that I believe in, but during those moments, I try to let them pass by doing things that'll help alleviate the pain. I keep asking myself, "What do I want?" and then trying my best to do a little bit of progress there.

For example, I've felt the same numbing fear of talking to someone, and yet feeling the need to confess to someone. Such moments are incredibly reclusive and oppressive, but one way I've dealt with them has just been to write down everything I feel in my personal diary. There's an amazing relief to be said when you've written down all your fears and pains on a piece of paper, as if you've moved those concerns from your own soul into a tangible medium that you can put away.

Or I look to improve myself in a way that doesn't necessarily have to do with what I'm dealing with right now. I might practice a card game, looking to improve my shuffle and strategy; I might work on my reflex or memory. Whatever it is, I look for a way to remind myself that I'm improving.

Or I work out. Again, there's the improvement aspect to it, but it also actually does make you feel better. It helps me understand, symbolically, the connection between pain and success.

Finally, its all right to cry. You're a wonderful person, filled with many gifts and talents that the world ought to appreciate and see more, and sometimes its just hard to express to them how much you really do need their help, and how much help you're willing to give them. Its never right for a good person like you to suffer. Its all right to cry. Its natural, and often its healing.

Hope you feel better.

Regards,
IO

PS: That was exactly what I did a few moments ago when I was feeling frustrated, in fact. I turned on my Rammstein, and began hitting my dumbbells until my arms hurt. I felt a lot better afterward.
 
ya I'm really sorry your feeling down, emtions aren't really like a switch that can be turned on and off. i'm glad you played the piano today. i know just doing even the simplest things can seem impossible when the onlything you can fathom is lying there sometimes not thinking at all, but most the time repeting the same fast spinning cycle of reasons why it doesn't seem to matter. probably the best thing you can anything to distract yourself, playing an instrument , reading or listening to really loud music. Hopefully you can lose yourself a little in the melodies. Unfortunatly i seem to have made myself immune to screamo no matter how loud i turn it I can still hear my thoughts. ignoredone has a good point about exercise it's healthy and the endorphines will help you to feel better. try to move a little, maybe try getting involved in a gym or a sport you can do by yourself. Or if there isn't a near by gym or if the weather isn't very nice to be outside for a while, if it's fairly coold like 20*F or less go outside in a t shirt and shorts and run aroud in circles(not so small circles that you get dizzy) for at least 20 seconds till it gets cold. Doing something spontanious like that is fun too, if it's not too cold you can do it at 3 am and it still has the sponitnuity of it. the cold fresh air is ussally nice too. ---- you don't have to i just thought that it was fun when i did it. ....tehe, last year at our last cross country meet it was late october and it started snowing, we were running in shorts and tank tops luckily i had gloves. Just something a little insane like that gives you something to laugh about. Are you into reading? thats always something good to absorb yourself into. Your not weak for feeling like this and it doesn't make you a bad person. your not at fault for these feelings, the only easy way to turn that frown upside down is standing on your head, and it just makes you feel dizzy.

I agree that it would be good to talk about this to a therapist. I remember what you said about how you where a psyche major i think, don't get to critical about seeing a shrink. It could help to get a another vantage point of yourself.

anyways I hope that helps, I really hope you can start to feel better. It's good to get your emtions out, it's not rubbish.

*hugs*
 
WTG Tennis! At least your getting how you feel out there. That is something. Even if it doesn't make you feel that much better, your not taking all the pain in the jugular all alone. Just SWEAR you won't give up.
 
I just want to apologise for posting this DEPRESSING post. I was feeling incredibly down the day I wrote it BUT things ARE going to change for me. I need to start believing that and realising the only person who can help me is me! So here goes! :)
 
tennisgirl said:
I just want to apologise for posting this DEPRESSING post. I was feeling incredibly down the day I wrote it BUT things ARE going to change for me. I need to start believing that and realising the only person who can help me is me! So here goes! :)

We're here for you.

Regards,
IO
 
tennisgirl said:
I just want to apologise for posting this DEPRESSING post. I was feeling incredibly down the day I wrote it BUT things ARE going to change for me. I need to start believing that and realising the only person who can help me is me! So here goes! :)

Don't feel bad tennis. It's great that your honest. Don't set yourself up to be afraid to share how you really feel. If your feeling bad let people know it. Otherwise it can be really easy to just fall back in a hole or maybe you will cut yourself off from talking to others, because you think it's wrong or something. You win some and you lose some. Life isn't about being perfect. It's about dusting yourself off when you fall down and trying again.
 

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