Do we have a communication issue or what is the problem?

[Jsos]

Not sure who else is dealing with this and/or how you found a solution but my bf and I have an issue with cleaning.

He’s not a bad bf by any means. He’s very loving, caring, and supportive. He’s the first to offer financial help or pay for something and I truly believe it’s because he cares but also because doing that requires no real effort on his part. When it comes to cleaning and sharing household chores…that’s another story. He’s in therapy and working on his issues that he says are the reason he is like this.

For background, we both have full time jobs and WFH. We split the bills evenly and pay for each other evenly. I have to almost beg him to clean or we get into an argument about it. We’ve had heart to hearts 30x. He says he’ll help and change, but then he doesn’t. Or he does for a week and goes back to the norm. He seems fine living in filth. I’m sick of cleaning the bathroom by myself. When he does the dishes, he half-asses them just to be done, so then I have to re-do some of them. He does take out the trash but I think he feels like that’s his only chore.

I cook and clean and have to ask him 10x to do anything. Then I get the “adolescent” huff and puff. I ending up not cleaning in protest (which I know is not the right thing to do) but I get fed up, and it will stay like that because he won’t do it. Then I’ll end up doing it because it’s disgusting or he does do it because I basically tell him, nicely and not demand, to clean it and not ask because I’m tired of asking nicely for the 10th time. I’m tired of doing it myself. I’m tired of having the same conversation over and over again. I do feel like sometimes I see the spark of him understanding sometimes but then he just goes back to way he was.

And then I get to the point where I boil over and get mad. So then I’m yelling and he’s trying to defuse the situation by making jokes.

 

[ringwood]

My husband’s brother and sister-in-law had a sort-of similar issue. Their solution? They hired a maid to clean regularly. Problem solved.

 

[Jsos]

My husband’s brother and sister-in-law had a sort-of similar issue. Their solution? They hired a maid to clean regularly. Problem solved.

He’s going to look in to that this week and see what it would cost us for someone to come on a regular basis.

 

[Anarchic Torchic]

View attachment IjrR7vCA.mp4

 

[Anarchic Torchic]

Probably what a relationship with me would be like tbh. I hate doing the dishes, and most of all the bathroom.
Oh crap, i still gotts throw the trash out, thanks for reminding me

I do understand your fustration, is he not feeling very well or something?

 

[Jsos]

Probably what a relationship with me would be like tbh. I hate doing the dishes, and most of all the bathroom.
Oh crap, i still gotts throw the trash out, thanks for reminding me

I do understand your fustration, is he not feeling very well or something?

I think we’re both depressed. We’re kind of living like roommates and we’ve been that way for the last 8 -10 months. He says he’s lazy and that is part of the reason.

 

[Anarchic Torchic]

I think we’re both depressed. We’re kind of living like roommates and we’ve been that way for the last 8 -10 months. He says he’s lazy and that is part of the reason.

Well there you go, that just about explains it all i think. It also sounds like he does really want to help, but im also not sure how to make it more consistent. I mean he is aware of it.
Repeatedly getting angry cant be healthy, and i dont think he wants that either.

 

[user 188644]

You care about things being clean so you clean, or break up with him. He's not just gonna suddenly care about that honeysuckle. If he's depressed he's definitely not going to care. I've been in that depressive zombie state where life just kinda happens around you and you do your best to participate but most things don't wake you up enough to care about. People expect things of you and it sucks but you just don't care. If you're not in a loving respectful relationship, if you guys don't have the same goals it's not going to work long term, is it? Maybe you guys can still be friends. I think if there's a reason you guys thought a relationship could work then maybe there's reasons a friendship would be better. Or ya know just keep sticking it out and building up all of those nice feelings of resentment. In 5 years do you think you're more likely to feel like you weathered the storm or that you tried to stick it out for so long and have nothing to show for it?

 

[Anarchic Torchic]

You care about things being clean so you clean, or break up with him. He's not just gonna suddenly care about that honeysuckle. If he's depressed he's definitely not going to care. I've been in that depressive zombie state where life just kinda happens around you and you do your best to participate but most things don't wake you up enough to care about. People expect things of you and it sucks but you just don't care. If you're not in a loving respectful relationship, if you guys don't have the same goals it's not going to work long term, is it? Maybe you guys can still be friends. I think if there's a reason you guys thought a relationship could work then maybe there's reasons a friendship would be better. Or ya know just keep sticking it out and building up all of those nice feelings of resentment. In 5 years do you think you're more likely to feel like you weathered the storm or that you tried to stick it out for so long and have nothing to show for it?

Its a personal choice ofcourse, but i dont think its unsolvable, or enough to warrant a break up.
Love is hard enough to come by as is, and if you made the decision to live together you have to be pretty **** dedicated already.
The only thing they dont seem to be on equal grounds on seems to be chores, and maybe youre right and it wont change untill he feels better. But i think its too cynical to present breaking up as the best solution.

Its thier decision, but i think its miles away from being unsolvable as of yet.

 

[user 188644]

Its a personal choice ofcourse, but i dont think its unsolvable, or enough to warrant a break up.
Love is hard enough to come by as is, and if you made the decision to live together you have to be pretty **** dedicated already.
The only thing they dont seem to be on equal grounds on seems to be chores, and maybe youre right and it wont change untill he feels better. But i think its too cynical to present breaking up as the best solution.

Its thier decision, but i think its miles away from being unsolvable as of yet.

I presented you care about cleaning you do it as the first solution. So ya know please represent me accurately.

I also don't even slightly see how you justify staying in a relationship that isn't working because "love is hard to find." Sorry but how is that not cynical? "Work on it because you can't do better."

And chores turn into a lot more chores when you have kids so if that's something they want should they think about that 5 years from now? Some people have kids and it changes them for the better. Load of others are just neglective and even resentful.

Just stick with it is good advice when learning a skill. Not good advice when dedicating your life to someone.

 

[Anarchic Torchic]

I presented you care about cleaning you do it as the first solution. So ya know please represent me accurately.

I also don't even slightly see how you justify staying in a relationship that isn't working because "love is hard to find." Sorry but how is that not cynical? "Work on it because you can't do better."

And chores turn into a lot more chores when you have kids so if that's something they want should they think about that 5 years from now? Some people have kids and it changes them for the better. Load of others are just neglective and even resentful.

Just stick with it is good advice when learning a skill. Not good advice when dedicating your life to someone.

Yeah, fair enough.

I have once been in a similair situation, and the way it finally stopped was with me kicking him out, but for another reason though.
But he made such a mess with the dishes especially, and the bathroom sink would get plugged every 2 weeks or so.
I just cleaned my own dishes, and left the rest to him till either he or i finally did them. But thats not a solution in this case. Also that guy got pissed at me for bot doing the dishes lol.
And hes not once fixed the sink.

I dont know the extent of it, in my case it was really bad, just about every plate and pan and spoon would have been used after like 2 or 3 days somehow. And if he did clean it, he would just throw all the left over food straight in the kitchen sink and plug that one too.
I dont believe its as bad as that.

But i do think it can be resolved, and therefore isnt enough reason to break up over.
But if its really killing you inside, then yeah.
Depression surely plays a big part in it, but people do heal from depression. But yeah theres no instant cure for it.

 

[randomguy]

My husband’s brother and sister-in-law had a sort-of similar issue. Their solution? They hired a maid to clean regularly. Problem solved.

This is what I did, I can't abide having to do any kind of housework so have a cleaner once a week. Strangely enough I now spend a good few hours doing housework the day before she comes in, she does a few houses on my street and is a gossip, I don't want her telling people my house is filthy.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Honestly, this sounds difficult, personally, I never expected my partner to clean, just take out the bins as I simply cant touch them lol

However, after my dad died I couldnt clean, I couldnt eat, I could barely go an hour without bursting into tears… and he never helped, he just left me in a hoarder load of mess… almost unaware of it when I snapped out of it I cleaned the whole night till everything sparkled, and as soon as he saw the sparkling place he said he felt so bad, he was waiting for us to do it together not sure if that was just a good save but anyway my point is, it’s just mess, nothing to fight about (in my opinion), maybe this is something that cant be split 50/50… and he’ll have to compensate for that in another way like paying for a cleaner on his own

 

[Jsos]

@randomguy @CenotaphGirl @Anarchic Torchic @Tfranklinyo


I just wanted to respond to all of your messages because I went to bed last night and then didn’t see all these messages come in.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a clean space consistently. I don’t want to argue about it BUT when I bring it up it turns into an argument because he acts like a kid about it. He doesn’t want to hear it. I don’t want to look at the same mess for the second week in a row. And what am I supposed to do? Just clean it up myself? Then he’ll get used to that and expect me to do it all the time.

I don’t think the answer here is breaking up because neither of us want that. I have been trying to get both of us into therapy together so that we could have a person to mediate when we talk about it. He keeps viewing couples therapy as a sign that we’re going to break up and I keep reassuring him that it is just for us to get some help so we can communicate better.

Also the kid thing is never going to happen. I don’t want kids and never will. I was married for 12 years before him and I dealt with an abusive relationship with a very manipulative person. Really, I am just protecting myself here because I’ve been through it.

@Tfranklinyo also to your point, I brought up resentment early and a relationship as that was something I was afraid was going to happen. I had a lot of baggage with me from my divorce when I came into this relationship. I don’t wanna end up resenting him because I feel like we’re not a team and we don’t split the cleaning of the place we both rent evenly. That’s why I’m trying to get help. I don’t ever want to get to that point because I do feel like he’s a good person and we could have a future together. But the future does not involve me doing all the cleaning.

 

[user 188522]

I agree with Cento Girl
" he’ll have to compensate for that in another way like paying for a cleaner on his own"

 

[CenotaphGirl]

This is very interesting i’d love to explore this dynamic as I am at a cross roads if I wanna be a relationship counsellor or a grief counsellor….

I just wanna say good on you for fighting for your relationship I respect that and wish you luck

 

[9006]

Sounds like it's a mix of immaturity and laziness, hence why you come up against such resistance and the "huff and puff". I mean most people have a difference in cleaning standards, but if you're in a relationship it's about reaching a compromise and just getting on with it, then after a while it just becomes the norm. As for advice it's difficult because of the immaturity, it's really up to him to realise how it's effecting you and actually make the change 100%.

 

[Jsos]

Sounds like it's a mix of immaturity and laziness, hence why you come up against such resistance and the "huff and puff". I mean most people have a difference in cleaning standards, but if you're in a relationship it's about reaching a compromise and just getting on with it, then after a while it just becomes the norm. As for advice it's difficult because of the immaturity, it's really up to him to realise how it's effecting you and actually make the change 100%.

I agree with you and I think this is why we need to be in therapy together because I feel like somebody else needs to tell him that. The problem is we have reached a compromise but then it goes from that to just never doing it or acting like the conversation never happened.

We lived together in a roommate situation before we got to this place. We rented a room and bathroom from his friend who had an entire house and every once in a while our room would just become trashed and I would clean it because I was sick of looking at it. I cleaned our bathroom as well. That should’ve tipped me off but honestly I thought once we had our own place things would be different.

He never had to clean growing up. His parents took care of everything and I had chores growing up and had to clean up after myself. I also lived with a very OCD Virgo mother who wanted everything perfect all the time. That’s probably where I get it from. I don’t need everything perfect all the time but I do like a clean house.

 

[9006]

I agree with you and I think this is why we need to be in therapy together because I feel like somebody else needs to tell him that. The problem is we have reached a compromise but then it goes from that to just never doing it or acting like the conversation never happened.

We lived together in a roommate situation before we got to this place. We rented a room and bathroom from his friend who had an entire house and every once in a while our room would just become trashed and I would clean it because I was sick of looking at it. I cleaned our bathroom as well. That should’ve tipped me off but honestly I thought once we had our own place things would be different.

He never had to clean growing up. His parents took care of everything and I had chores growing up and had to clean up after myself. I also lived with a very OCD Virgo mother who wanted everything perfect all the time. That’s probably where I get it from. I don’t need everything perfect all the time but I do like a clean house.

While I agree therapy helps people out it really starts with the individual in question, and if he sees it as "something he HAS to do" then already there's a hindrance. It's something you have to WANT to do 100% to benefit from therapy.

Another problem is that if you clean the place after it reaches a certain point, then he knows you're likely to do it eventually. But on the other hand if you don't, then (from the sounds of it) he's quite happy to sit in honeysuckle. It's sad for you because either way it doesn't effect him much, only you. I think the only thing he doesn't like is the fact you get on his case about it.

I think you've touched on why he doesn't want to do it in the fact that his parents always done it for him, and such contrasting difference from your own growing up experience so no wonder it's causing such friction. But like I said earlier he needs to realise how it's effecting you, not only for his own benefit of having standards but to contribute to a mature relationship in a positive way.

 

[user 188644]

Yeah, fair enough.

I have once been in a similair situation, and the way it finally stopped was with me kicking him out, but for another reason though.
But he made such a mess with the dishes especially, and the bathroom sink would get plugged every 2 weeks or so.
I just cleaned my own dishes, and left the rest to him till either he or i finally did them. But thats not a solution in this case. Also that guy got pissed at me for bot doing the dishes lol.
And hes not once fixed the sink.

I dont know the extent of it, in my case it was really bad, just about every plate and pan and spoon would have been used after like 2 or 3 days somehow. And if he did clean it, he would just throw all the left over food straight in the kitchen sink and plug that one too.
I dont believe its as bad as that.

But i do think it can be resolved, and therefore isnt enough reason to break up over.
But if its really killing you inside, then yeah.
Depression surely plays a big part in it, but people do heal from depression. But yeah theres no instant cure for it.

But like that's my point if it matters that much to them or if they can extrapolate and think it goes deeper then you're not going to change someone. Even if they don't have depression. It's just going to be the same fights for the rest of your life. I think you think it can be resolved because cleaning is such a small problem compared to like a terminal illness, but it's a pretty significant part of your daily life. If by resolved you mean they just get over it an do the cleaning themselves well see sentence 1 of my first post lol. If they want more than that and it's important then it's probably not going to be resolved.

Some people are saying make him pay for a cleaning service. If cleaning is something he puts literally no value in do you think he's going to agree to spend money he could spend on stuff he likes? I guess I'm assuming he's not rich.