Does anyone relate?

[hsp]

I'm starting to see loneliness as a vicious circle or a cycle.

I know enough about myself to understand that I am not set up for a wide circle of friends or constant interaction with people. It exhausts me and when I get exhausted I get even worse at it.

So to my point: One of the main factors which holds me back from becoming more social, eg having more friends and closer friends, is the fact that I am coming from zero social life. To explain what I mean,

I always find it very difficult to get to know new people really well, in part because I run out of information to share about myself pretty rapidly. Eg, I have little to no personal life to talk about, so when interacting with a new person or group of people I inevitably come across guarded and cold. That usually signals the end of any developing relationships.

I don't want to sound like I'm trying to justify my loneliness, just to say that I am starting to learn that as I get older and in my opinion much more stable and capable of having good relationships, that my past as a loner is potentially holding me back from having relationships moving forward...

 

[stuff4096]

Hi hsp,

I totally understand what you mean. I too often find it difficult to come up with topics of conversation with others, friends or otherwise. I also notice that people, even without knowing me, tend to gravitate towards others more than me. This has happened as far back as I can remember. The only friends I have became such because they initiated. I did not realize this until recently. Being the initiator of making friends is hard :S

Loneliness is a sad cycle. This kind of reminds my of The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh, where Rabbit takes Tigger into the woods hoping to get him lost and be rid of him. Then, after Rabbit "loses" Tigger, he keeps going around in circles in the woods trying to find the way home. Anyhow, like Rabbit, no matter how much I try to find my way out of the loneliness, I always seem to find my way back to it. I suspect that from your post, you understand this too

I do not have much advice, seeing as how I have not figured this out yet but I just wanted to let you know I can relate. How wonderful would it be if we could end this sad cycle...

 

[Grackle]

I also relate very much to what you said. Making friends means putting yourself out there. What if they find out I'm boring or what if my taste in music sucks or they find out I only have one actual friend ? Are those 'deal breaker' traits ? Is it worth the risk and effort ?

 

[Peaches]

Absolutely, the less friends you have the less new ones you make. I don't have shortage of personal information, but half of it cannot be shared safely with most people, because it is completely out of their life experience, that makes me look aloof but the alternative is to have people run away screaming, or worse stop talking to me and gossiping about what I told them (it has happened). I am not sure about what is the way out of this circle, or if there is one. Making up imaginary friends doesn't sound like the best idea, although it's the only one I can think about now. Well, I have "friends", people I can call to go to the cinema with but who would not want to hear anything personal about me, sometimes I "play up" them, but I still feel like a fraud.

 

[thegreyman]

I've had the exact same thoughts myself. In order to pursue a greater range of interests, I would probably have needed someone with whom to do those things. I'd need to have some kind of common ground with someone in order to be able to maintain conversation over an extended period of time. and I've led a very alienated life and therefore have little in common with anybody else. Moreover, most of my thoughts are very negative and I tend to drift back towards bringing out the negative side in every discussion topic...so have to be constantly keeping myself in check in order to ensure that I'm not being a 'Debbie downer'. Long conversations are very straining for me.

 

[Grackle]

I don't have shortage of personal information, but half of it cannot be shared safely with most people, because it is completely out of their life experience, that makes me look aloof but the alternative is to have people run away screaming, or worse stop talking to me and gossiping about what I told them (it has happened).

Well said ! Its the same thing for me.

 

[The Replicated Man]

I feel like this might be more of an older person's issue. But I can actually relate. 3 and 1/2 years of high school, I became aware, in my senior year, of a few big wants of mine. More friends. More activities. More day to day interest.

But it's way too late in the game to expand my circle of friends. No matter that I would be able to: there's only 9 months in a school year anyway.

 

[Cucuboth]

Absolutely, the less friends you have the less new ones you make.

Unfortunately, I think this is very, very, true.

And I think it gets harder as you get older, when it is pretty much expected that we will be in a long-term relationship, and/or have children. If we don't have those, we're seen as being selfish, unreliable, irresponsible, and unwilling to commit (or we're seen as being losers that nobody wants)

 

[Groucho]

I'm starting to see loneliness as a vicious circle or a cycle.

I call this 'spiral theory', which is a theory that applies to many things, including economics, success, finances, relationships etc.

Spiral theory is basically whichever direct you head in, you spiral towards it (as though a ball going down a slope). For example, someone without money would have a very hard time making money, where-as someone with money could invest and thus get bigger returns.

Likewise, social mechanics is the more popular you are, the more popular you become (spiral theory isn't infinite, it reaches a breaking point, where it finally collapses, unable to sustain itself, like an outwardly expanding star). Consider how actors who are known on TV go on to become even more well known and liked.

Likewise, there's this social mechanic involved with loneliness, and I haven't figured it, but it's like kids with toys: when a kid sees another kid with a toy, that kid wants the other kid's toy, but as soon as the other kid loses interest in it, so does the one who wants it.

Similarly, if you're seen as unpopular, other people don't want to associate with that. And the absence of experience impedes development and networking as well.

 

[TheSkaFish]

@hsp, I see what you mean. But I feel that it means you need to get more to talk about. Read more. Watch more movies. Find new things you enjoy doing. This is something I think about too, that I don't do enough with myself and don't have much to talk about with others. Any time I feel this way though, I try to just think that we live in a world packed to the seams with new things to talk about, see, and do. You just have to take some time and find your interests.

 

[The Underdog]

I have HSP. I definitely relate there.