Every day - Moments for Recovery/Development

[Abstamyous]

I am sitting here, with one of the best cups of coffee I have ever made (my favourite Nabob and a spoonful of white chocolate mocha creamer). I slept okay last night. I woke up early to shower, as I neglected that two nights in a row (not good when you work in a kitchen). I feel pretty defeated, but I don't have to move for anyone today. So I will rest in between laundry and cleaning. And I won't beat myself up too badly today.

I have an anxiety issue, that causes me to shake during the night, feel paralyzed in the spot and to become afraid of dying. It started a few years ago, and seems to be during high stress periods. It caught a hold of me the last week.

I haven't been overly patient at my job, particularly when it comes to things I believe to just be routine knowledge. The last couple of days, I've practiced more zipping my lips unless I can add something of value. But my body language definitely fucks it up for me. I took a vacation over Christmas, hoping it would help me reset. But I think it really enhanced my hopes that people would just find more answers than questions. Think through to the next step without asking for reassurance. My expectations are really too high, and I am very disappointed.

For every issue that people are bringing to me, I seem to be creating one more. Sometimes, I can get through a shift with kindness. But for the most part, I've turned to an *******, words or no words. If I'm not an ******* to someone else, I'm an ******* working myself up outside of work.

I hope that the next two days, I actually can find another direction.

 

[Abstamyous]

Hey, it's been awhile!
A lot has changed in me and not so much around me. I don't quite feel so pressured to have daily commitments above the norm, so I'm kind of chuckling at the thought of me ever thinking I'd post on here daily. I wish I could take that part out of the title, but perhaps it's there for a reason.

The last year has been messy, to put it nicely. But for every breakdown, there has been a breakthrough. It sucks when you realize that the life you've always known, will never grow with you. Or when you realize you just can't meet people where they need you to. I've known this for a while, but I really did my best to remain in the denial stage. I love my family, and I've gone insane to prove it. My "ah ha!" moment was last summer, when my mother said some things that deeply hurt me and I could no longer respond to them. I had no more arguments. After a few days of feeling stuck, I made the choice that I would move. I had such a fear of making drastic decisions, that I excused myself each time except for that one.

And even after making that decision, I didn't realize how much I still needed to cut out of my life until I shared this news with my family. Being told I can't make it, that I can't afford it, that I'm ruining other people's lives because they will have to work harder to live. I spent months listening to this. That's the insanity of it, putting up with something that you don't have to, but not knowing how to do it any different. A short while ago, I sat this person down and showed them my backbone. Funny, it finally killed most tensions. There's still a lot of negativity, but that's them. It wouldn't matter if they won the lottery, there would be something to upset them.

The blessings have been huge. The house I've bought is one I watched the online listing for, for a few years. I actually dreamt about living there. It feels so surreal that it's happening. I can't believe that I'm packing, that I've bought furniture, that I'm going to be that woman who holds her own household.

I'm currently sitting at 8 days shy of 5 years of sobriety. I'm very excited about life. Even the chores are exciting me. It really feels like I've been built into a real person, and not just a shell.

 

[blackbird2]

Yay, that's so great! I have have followed the thread for quite some time and it's amazing what you have managed to achieve. Congratulations on your new house! Best wishes Amy!

 

[randomguy]

Well played, congrats, so happy for you

I actually dreamt about living there. It feels so surreal that it's happening.

This is the philosophy I live by ALWAYS DREAM! and dream big it will happen.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Wow this thread is one of my favourites, I have never seen anything like it, how inspiring. Just so many different ways to incorporate participation.

Anywho… You are very strong sharing this

I will put a song

 

[Abstamyous]

Wow this thread is one of my favourites, I have never seen anything like it, how inspiring. Just so many different ways to incorporate participation.

Anywho… You are very strong sharing this

I will put a song

Thanks Ceno! Always love a good song!

 

[Abstamyous]

5 years sober today. Celebrating with unlimited amounts of tea with honey, homemade soup for lunch, and planting a few more things!

Thank you members of ALL for being here all these years.

 

[Unsigned]

5 years sober today. Celebrating with unlimited amounts of tea with honey, homemade soup for lunch, and planting a few more things!

Thank you members of ALL for being here all these years.

Congrats.
That's really terrific.
I couldn't make it through the weekend.
I thought I would, but then something stupid on Sunday stressed me out (only because I let it) and I went to the liquor store.
Maybe one day I'll get to where you are now. Seems like a really good place to be.

 

[Abstamyous]

Congrats.
That's really terrific.
I couldn't make it through the weekend.
I thought I would, but then something stupid on Sunday stressed me out (only because I let it) and I went to the liquor store.
Maybe one day I'll get to where you are now. Seems like a really good place to be.

*Big hugs*

I'm sorry you had a stressful Sunday. For myself, unfortunately, it took failing at killing myself to even start to believe I could get sober. Not implying I know your feelings at all. At one time, drinking had great purpose to me. Until it didn't.

If you get through one day, I think you're a rockstar. It always starts with one day.

 

[Richard_39]

5 years sober today. Celebrating with unlimited amounts of tea with honey, homemade soup for lunch, and planting a few more things!

Thank you members of ALL for being here all these years.

Hey congrats!
Here's looking at you in 10

 

[Abstamyous]

I have been holding onto a lot lately, mainly because I don't know where to talk about it. At the end of the day, I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. I just need to release a few things I no longer want to be weighed down with.

Personal responsibility has been a tough pill to swallow, but so necessary for everything growth within me. It's gotten quite difficult to be surrounded by other adults who feel like they are exempt at fixing some of their own issues. It's hard to be around adults who have jobs, but refuse to work a little extra or put away a little bit of money to better their lives. I know times are hard, but if you've had the bills, mortgage and groceries bought for you for over 9 years, you'd think you'd be a bit better off? This dysfunction runs deep in my family, and unfortunately it's too deep for me to tackle for a parent or a sibling. My responsibility is to get my kids somewhere which will allow them to fully develop that personal responsibility.

Am I allowed to be mad about things from the past? I cried a few nights ago, because it was let slip that insurance could have paid the mortgage during an illness. The application was never completed because M didn't want to wait 3 months for it to start, she wanted it right then and now. I pay the mortgage and for the insurance at the same time, so yeah, maybe it could have been put to use? But that was years ago. It's just another thing that represents the reality of this household.
Every morning, as soon as I see her, she yells her complaints about the world. There's too much work or not enough. She needs more days off, or work is stealing her hours. Nothing is ever her job, but she's angry that no one asks. She can't save money because her cigarettes are expensive (any opposition to this comment results in a comment about how drunks are worse than people who smoke). She complains about my sister, complains about me to my sister, claims to be a more chill person than either of us but loses her honeysuckle more than anyone in the house. And when there's no complaints, she starts rehashing what she said yesterday. Or making weather predictions.
And here I am, reminding myself that I am human. That I can be excited about only being here for 4 more days, and I can still want to hide from that. I need true space. If I were leaving this morning, it would have been with two middle fingers in the air, saying "please don't call me". No, that's not what I truly want. And 9 years throws so much at you.
My solution is being ready to leave at midnight on May 1st

But hey, I'm still sober!

 

[randomguy]

I have been holding onto a lot lately, mainly because I don't know where to talk about it. At the end of the day, I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. I just need to release a few things I no longer want to be weighed down with.

Personal responsibility has been a tough pill to swallow, but so necessary for everything growth within me. It's gotten quite difficult to be surrounded by other adults who feel like they are exempt at fixing some of their own issues. It's hard to be around adults who have jobs, but refuse to work a little extra or put away a little bit of money to better their lives. I know times are hard, but if you've had the bills, mortgage and groceries bought for you for over 9 years, you'd think you'd be a bit better off? This dysfunction runs deep in my family, and unfortunately it's too deep for me to tackle for a parent or a sibling. My responsibility is to get my kids somewhere which will allow them to fully develop that personal responsibility.

Am I allowed to be mad about things from the past? I cried a few nights ago, because it was let slip that insurance could have paid the mortgage during an illness. The application was never completed because M didn't want to wait 3 months for it to start, she wanted it right then and now. I pay the mortgage and for the insurance at the same time, so yeah, maybe it could have been put to use? But that was years ago. It's just another thing that represents the reality of this household.
Every morning, as soon as I see her, she yells her complaints about the world. There's too much work or not enough. She needs more days off, or work is stealing her hours. Nothing is ever her job, but she's angry that no one asks. She can't save money because her cigarettes are expensive (any opposition to this comment results in a comment about how drunks are worse than people who smoke). She complains about my sister, complains about me to my sister, claims to be a more chill person than either of us but loses her honeysuckle more than anyone in the house. And when there's no complaints, she starts rehashing what she said yesterday. Or making weather predictions.
And here I am, reminding myself that I am human. That I can be excited about only being here for 4 more days, and I can still want to hide from that. I need true space. If I were leaving this morning, it would have been with two middle fingers in the air, saying "please don't call me". No, that's not what I truly want. And 9 years throws so much at you.
My solution is being ready to leave at midnight on May 1st

But hey, I'm still sober!