Every day - Moments for Recovery/Development

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
I am sitting here, with one of the best cups of coffee I have ever made (my favourite Nabob and a spoonful of white chocolate mocha creamer). I slept okay last night. I woke up early to shower, as I neglected that two nights in a row (not good when you work in a kitchen). I feel pretty defeated, but I don't have to move for anyone today. So I will rest in between laundry and cleaning. And I won't beat myself up too badly today.

I have an anxiety issue, that causes me to shake during the night, feel paralyzed in the spot and to become afraid of dying. It started a few years ago, and seems to be during high stress periods. It caught a hold of me the last week.

I haven't been overly patient at my job, particularly when it comes to things I believe to just be routine knowledge. The last couple of days, I've practiced more zipping my lips unless I can add something of value. But my body language definitely fucks it up for me. I took a vacation over Christmas, hoping it would help me reset. But I think it really enhanced my hopes that people would just find more answers than questions. Think through to the next step without asking for reassurance. My expectations are really too high, and I am very disappointed.

For every issue that people are bringing to me, I seem to be creating one more. Sometimes, I can get through a shift with kindness. But for the most part, I've turned to an *******, words or no words. If I'm not an ******* to someone else, I'm an ******* working myself up outside of work.

I hope that the next two days, I actually can find another direction.
 
Hey, it's been awhile!
A lot has changed in me and not so much around me. I don't quite feel so pressured to have daily commitments above the norm, so I'm kind of chuckling at the thought of me ever thinking I'd post on here daily. I wish I could take that part out of the title, but perhaps it's there for a reason.

The last year has been messy, to put it nicely. But for every breakdown, there has been a breakthrough. It sucks when you realize that the life you've always known, will never grow with you. Or when you realize you just can't meet people where they need you to. I've known this for a while, but I really did my best to remain in the denial stage. I love my family, and I've gone insane to prove it. My "ah ha!" moment was last summer, when my mother said some things that deeply hurt me and I could no longer respond to them. I had no more arguments. After a few days of feeling stuck, I made the choice that I would move. I had such a fear of making drastic decisions, that I excused myself each time except for that one.

And even after making that decision, I didn't realize how much I still needed to cut out of my life until I shared this news with my family. Being told I can't make it, that I can't afford it, that I'm ruining other people's lives because they will have to work harder to live. I spent months listening to this. That's the insanity of it, putting up with something that you don't have to, but not knowing how to do it any different. A short while ago, I sat this person down and showed them my backbone. Funny, it finally killed most tensions. There's still a lot of negativity, but that's them. It wouldn't matter if they won the lottery, there would be something to upset them.

The blessings have been huge. The house I've bought is one I watched the online listing for, for a few years. I actually dreamt about living there. It feels so surreal that it's happening. I can't believe that I'm packing, that I've bought furniture, that I'm going to be that woman who holds her own household.

I'm currently sitting at 8 days shy of 5 years of sobriety. I'm very excited about life. Even the chores are exciting me. It really feels like I've been built into a real person, and not just a shell.
 
Yay, that's so great! I have have followed the thread for quite some time and it's amazing what you have managed to achieve. Congratulations on your new house! Best wishes Amy!
 
Wow this thread is one of my favourites, I have never seen anything like it, how inspiring. Just so many different ways to incorporate participation.

Anywho… You are very strong sharing this ✨

I will put a song😇

 
Wow this thread is one of my favourites, I have never seen anything like it, how inspiring. Just so many different ways to incorporate participation.

Anywho… You are very strong sharing this ✨

I will put a song😇


Thanks Ceno! Always love a good song!
 
5 years sober today. Celebrating with unlimited amounts of tea with honey, homemade soup for lunch, and planting a few more things!

Thank you members of ALL for being here all these years.
Congrats.
That's really terrific.
I couldn't make it through the weekend.
I thought I would, but then something stupid on Sunday stressed me out (only because I let it) and I went to the liquor store.
Maybe one day I'll get to where you are now. Seems like a really good place to be.
 
Congrats.
That's really terrific.
I couldn't make it through the weekend.
I thought I would, but then something stupid on Sunday stressed me out (only because I let it) and I went to the liquor store.
Maybe one day I'll get to where you are now. Seems like a really good place to be.
*Big hugs*

I'm sorry you had a stressful Sunday. For myself, unfortunately, it took failing at killing myself to even start to believe I could get sober. Not implying I know your feelings at all. At one time, drinking had great purpose to me. Until it didn't.

If you get through one day, I think you're a rockstar. It always starts with one day.
 
I have been holding onto a lot lately, mainly because I don't know where to talk about it. At the end of the day, I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. I just need to release a few things I no longer want to be weighed down with.

Personal responsibility has been a tough pill to swallow, but so necessary for everything growth within me. It's gotten quite difficult to be surrounded by other adults who feel like they are exempt at fixing some of their own issues. It's hard to be around adults who have jobs, but refuse to work a little extra or put away a little bit of money to better their lives. I know times are hard, but if you've had the bills, mortgage and groceries bought for you for over 9 years, you'd think you'd be a bit better off? This dysfunction runs deep in my family, and unfortunately it's too deep for me to tackle for a parent or a sibling. My responsibility is to get my kids somewhere which will allow them to fully develop that personal responsibility.

Am I allowed to be mad about things from the past? I cried a few nights ago, because it was let slip that insurance could have paid the mortgage during an illness. The application was never completed because M didn't want to wait 3 months for it to start, she wanted it right then and now. I pay the mortgage and for the insurance at the same time, so yeah, maybe it could have been put to use? But that was years ago. It's just another thing that represents the reality of this household.
Every morning, as soon as I see her, she yells her complaints about the world. There's too much work or not enough. She needs more days off, or work is stealing her hours. Nothing is ever her job, but she's angry that no one asks. She can't save money because her cigarettes are expensive (any opposition to this comment results in a comment about how drunks are worse than people who smoke). She complains about my sister, complains about me to my sister, claims to be a more chill person than either of us but loses her honeysuckle more than anyone in the house. And when there's no complaints, she starts rehashing what she said yesterday. Or making weather predictions.
And here I am, reminding myself that I am human. That I can be excited about only being here for 4 more days, and I can still want to hide from that. I need true space. If I were leaving this morning, it would have been with two middle fingers in the air, saying "please don't call me". No, that's not what I truly want. And 9 years throws so much at you.
My solution is being ready to leave at midnight on May 1st :ROFLMAO:

But hey, I'm still sober!
 
I have been holding onto a lot lately, mainly because I don't know where to talk about it. At the end of the day, I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. I just need to release a few things I no longer want to be weighed down with.

Personal responsibility has been a tough pill to swallow, but so necessary for everything growth within me. It's gotten quite difficult to be surrounded by other adults who feel like they are exempt at fixing some of their own issues. It's hard to be around adults who have jobs, but refuse to work a little extra or put away a little bit of money to better their lives. I know times are hard, but if you've had the bills, mortgage and groceries bought for you for over 9 years, you'd think you'd be a bit better off? This dysfunction runs deep in my family, and unfortunately it's too deep for me to tackle for a parent or a sibling. My responsibility is to get my kids somewhere which will allow them to fully develop that personal responsibility.

Am I allowed to be mad about things from the past? I cried a few nights ago, because it was let slip that insurance could have paid the mortgage during an illness. The application was never completed because M didn't want to wait 3 months for it to start, she wanted it right then and now. I pay the mortgage and for the insurance at the same time, so yeah, maybe it could have been put to use? But that was years ago. It's just another thing that represents the reality of this household.
Every morning, as soon as I see her, she yells her complaints about the world. There's too much work or not enough. She needs more days off, or work is stealing her hours. Nothing is ever her job, but she's angry that no one asks. She can't save money because her cigarettes are expensive (any opposition to this comment results in a comment about how drunks are worse than people who smoke). She complains about my sister, complains about me to my sister, claims to be a more chill person than either of us but loses her honeysuckle more than anyone in the house. And when there's no complaints, she starts rehashing what she said yesterday. Or making weather predictions.
And here I am, reminding myself that I am human. That I can be excited about only being here for 4 more days, and I can still want to hide from that. I need true space. If I were leaving this morning, it would have been with two middle fingers in the air, saying "please don't call me". No, that's not what I truly want. And 9 years throws so much at you.
My solution is being ready to leave at midnight on May 1st :ROFLMAO:

But hey, I'm still sober!
🤗
 
I am taking a break from doing yard work in the heat, to drink a hot coffee with smores flavoured cream. Yep, makes sense to me too.

We've been in this house for over a month now. It's been a lot of work. Nothing needs to be updated this year or anything, but I keep adding jobs to my list. I put in a garden (currently growing radishes, swiss chard, tomatoes, bell peppers, jalapenos, carrots, corn, carrots, pumpkins, watermelons, zucchini and sunflowers). There's also rhubarb and a raspberry patch that was already here.

I expected the housework to never end. But I did underestimate the physical strain for my out of shape self. In years past, I would hire kids to come and do the work at Mom's. This year, I offered to cut the neighbour's grass in exchange for being able to use their mower on mine. We both have big yards, but I quite enjoy the fresh cut grass smell and just the being alone with the mower in my own zone for awhile. My younger two kids also bartered watering and weed pulling in exchange for swimming passes and art classes. I'm pretty proud of that.

My oldest has had some mental health troubles, including a hospital visit after a wellness check. That stuff has been rough, and admitting that I can't help everything has felt like such a weakness. We are both still working on processing and figuring out what we can do on our own parts to make things better for him. He has been having great luck in counseling and connecting with other peers, so lots of hope around.
And then the job change. It probably seemed kind of abrupt when I brought in my notice, but I've felt disconnected from the current job for awhile now. Lots of time spent bitching, feeling down and even taking frustrations out on people instead of having a bit more compassion. I will be taking a week break starting next Monday, to straighten out my home and breathe.
And I also took on a volunteer position this weekend, for the town's annual kind of community fun weekend. I will be working at the beer gardens, at midnight, where I can remind myself of why I am still sober haha.
It doesn't sound like much as I write it out, but there's been a lot that has changed. I can say I am more eager to find a peaceful balance.
And mostly super excited for garage sales.
 
Hey Everyone!

I wish I could remove the "Everyday" part in the title of this thread. I really do have those sorts of commitment issues. This will probably be my last contribution for the year 2023. I'll still be around, but I am tired in every way. I want to apologize in advance, because I think this post may come off as quite negative. I'm not trying to ruin anyone's mood or anything.

Recovery wise, I am still sober. My boyfriend took me to a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago, and that was the first time in a long time where I thought, "Wow, these people are drinking too much for me to be around." I have never gone out to something like that before, and I doubt I will go next year. I'm fortunate to be dating someone who also doesn't drink, so at least I wasn't alone there.

I still walk into my home every day and love it. We had one snowfall in October, and haven't had any since. It looks like early spring around here. And this may shock some, but I'm glad there's no snow right now. I'm not sure if I'd handle the extra job of shoveling and maintaining that well.

My job is going well. I recently received a raise, which will put me at the highest wage I've ever earned. I'm certainly grateful for that.

I want to be completely honest. I am in a sad place. I have almost given up several times. I tell myself almost doesn't count, but it feels like the tip of the dagger every time.

My oldest has had so many struggles with the suicidal feelings, issues at school, and with being who he is. He had an attempt about a month ago, and it just left me in a 24 hour panic attack. As I started to feel calm, he told me he reached out to his biological father and had had great conversations. It feels so selfish to say this, but that was an unexpected throat punch for me. Just not even a day to take a breath. But it was what he needed. And I had to let go of some of the hurt I felt, because I know it's for the better. I'm just glad his father actually reached back, instead of the way he's treated me in the past.

I made an attempt to reconnect with a family member in the summer. Old habits from this individual soon kicked back in. The only difference is I stood up for myself, instead of avoiding. Now they are avoiding me lol. For the better, I guess.

I am still financially supporting my mother. I have started to really face the reality that counting ties for awhile would be best for my own household. The insanity of it really shows during Christmas.

As always, thank you for listening. And I hope that everyone is well.
 
Hey Everyone!

I wish I could remove the "Everyday" part in the title of this thread. I really do have those sorts of commitment issues. This will probably be my last contribution for the year 2023. I'll still be around, but I am tired in every way. I want to apologize in advance, because I think this post may come off as quite negative. I'm not trying to ruin anyone's mood or anything.

Recovery wise, I am still sober. My boyfriend took me to a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago, and that was the first time in a long time where I thought, "Wow, these people are drinking too much for me to be around." I have never gone out to something like that before, and I doubt I will go next year. I'm fortunate to be dating someone who also doesn't drink, so at least I wasn't alone there.

I still walk into my home every day and love it. We had one snowfall in October, and haven't had any since. It looks like early spring around here. And this may shock some, but I'm glad there's no snow right now. I'm not sure if I'd handle the extra job of shoveling and maintaining that well.

My job is going well. I recently received a raise, which will put me at the highest wage I've ever earned. I'm certainly grateful for that.

I want to be completely honest. I am in a sad place. I have almost given up several times. I tell myself almost doesn't count, but it feels like the tip of the dagger every time.

My oldest has had so many struggles with the suicidal feelings, issues at school, and with being who he is. He had an attempt about a month ago, and it just left me in a 24 hour panic attack. As I started to feel calm, he told me he reached out to his biological father and had had great conversations. It feels so selfish to say this, but that was an unexpected throat punch for me. Just not even a day to take a breath. But it was what he needed. And I had to let go of some of the hurt I felt, because I know it's for the better. I'm just glad his father actually reached back, instead of the way he's treated me in the past.

I made an attempt to reconnect with a family member in the summer. Old habits from this individual soon kicked back in. The only difference is I stood up for myself, instead of avoiding. Now they are avoiding me lol. For the better, I guess.

I am still financially supporting my mother. I have started to really face the reality that counting ties for awhile would be best for my own household. The insanity of it really shows during Christmas.

As always, thank you for listening. And I hope that everyone is well.
You absolutely amaze me, You're an inspiration to us all.
 
Amy, I see we have similar threads here where we talk about ourselves and tell others here what is going on with us. I think that’s great.

No, now wait a minute. I shouldn’t say that. I just got finished reading all four pages of this highly personal and completely honest account of your life and what you have gone through and what you are continuing to go through. I don’t do that. I keep things to myself where you have explained your difficult journey to everyone here and for that I admire you for what you have done. You have more courage and strength than you give yourself credit for and I just want you to know that. And for those children that you have? They should all consider themselves lucky. You’re really something.
 
I made a decision tonight...No, not a resolution. I've come to terms with the fact that whenever I swear to follow a resolution, I convince myself it was imaginary and didn't count for anything. The adult in me made a decision instead...Sometimes, it really is all about the language and thought process.

I decided that the one thing I can focus on over the next year is my hygiene. It's not terrible, but it certainly needs some work.

I grew up the stinky kid. My alcoholic father always got these cheap homes with a cistern you needed to fill with water. Or he didn't pay the bills and things got cut off. His mindset was that people only needed to bathe once or twice a month. And we were expected to wear our clothes until they were stiff. Honestly, I didn't realize it until my teenage years when it became fun for others to point it out.

The world my parents created for us was really an entirely different world than the one I had to walk out into. But that could have a page of its own.

I don't really feel I can blame them for the anxieties I've had as an adult. The anxiety is throughout every other situation in my life, where I feel as though I should be elsewhere and doing something more important. I have chosen to be surrounded by filth, just to end up in the fetal position and afraid of the thoughts in my head due to said filth.

I certainly do not live in filth anymore, but there are things I often choose to not do or forget to do. I don't have a proper routine for brushing teeth, and unfortunately forget to often. The shower curtain feels like a brick wall most days, or else I find shame in seeing my body. My hair doesn't know whether to be oily or less so.

Anyway, I've decided this is the one thing I can fix for myself this coming year, and for the rest of my life. It sounds stupid when I type it out, but I know what's inside.

Anyone else make a decision for the New Year?
 
I made a decision tonight...No, not a resolution. I've come to terms with the fact that whenever I swear to follow a resolution, I convince myself it was imaginary and didn't count for anything. The adult in me made a decision instead...Sometimes, it really is all about the language and thought process.

I decided that the one thing I can focus on over the next year is my hygiene. It's not terrible, but it certainly needs some work.

I grew up the stinky kid. My alcoholic father always got these cheap homes with a cistern you needed to fill with water. Or he didn't pay the bills and things got cut off. His mindset was that people only needed to bathe once or twice a month. And we were expected to wear our clothes until they were stiff. Honestly, I didn't realize it until my teenage years when it became fun for others to point it out.

The world my parents created for us was really an entirely different world than the one I had to walk out into. But that could have a page of its own.

I don't really feel I can blame them for the anxieties I've had as an adult. The anxiety is throughout every other situation in my life, where I feel as though I should be elsewhere and doing something more important. I have chosen to be surrounded by filth, just to end up in the fetal position and afraid of the thoughts in my head due to said filth.

I certainly do not live in filth anymore, but there are things I often choose to not do or forget to do. I don't have a proper routine for brushing teeth, and unfortunately forget to often. The shower curtain feels like a brick wall most days, or else I find shame in seeing my body. My hair doesn't know whether to be oily or less so.

Anyway, I've decided this is the one thing I can fix for myself this coming year, and for the rest of my life. It sounds stupid when I type it out, but I know what's inside.

Anyone else make a decision for the New Year?
I haven't made a decision / resolution for this year. I don't think I ever have. Philosophically, I would argue, time is of the essence, and the only time is now. So now's the time.

I don't honestly believe that though. heh. :) Or, I don't practice it. It looks nice in print though. :)

I've been thinking about the, 'hard truth you've had to swallow,' thread. I've thought about it a lot. "What's a hard Truth you've had to swallow T-Fish?" I can't think of anything. I don't like the language used. To me, Truth, has been something very near and dear to me: a simultaneous celebration of all that I cherish, and perhaps as equally so, the ultimate embodiment of all the pain and alienation I suffer through life; whether it be self created and self imposed, or simply unavoidable. So, I still don't know. I don't think I'm one to swallow hard truths.

I've slowly been coming to a realization lately though. And it is this..

I'm not a particularly remarkable person. I'm queer (as in strange, not as in orientated). That which did not kill me, doesn't seem to have made me stronger. I've lived in a world of ideas, dreams, and high thinking; meanwhile, reality was happening. I didn't mean to neglect basic duty and responsibility in life. I did try college, and couldn't hack it. I failed. I'm estranged from my culture in a multitude of ways. My social competence feels nearly completely obliterated. I pace back and forth often, while smoking. Sometimes my thoughts are amazing; sometimes my thoughts are dismal. But by and large, they remain just that, thoughts. Probably my greatest accomplishment in the past several years is making a map for a video game (the game DOOM), lol. A couple maps actually. And ya know what? I'm proud of both of them in their own right, but, again, even they, are, mediocre, mostly.

I'm afraid of people. I'm afraid of myself: my thoughts, my feelings, etc.., from time to time. I fear the future. Sometimes, I succumb to nihilistic thinking. "What's the point of even trying? The end is nigh." I feel empty, lost, alone, like an empty skin, shed from my former self, gone somewhere; I don't know where.

I often, 'white knuckle things,' the best that I can. Some people look down on that sort of behavior. I see now, there is no, 'right way.' I don't really believe that when I say it, either. I have my opinions, my Truth; and it does not run parallel with very many people. It lives on the borders and the edges of the collective unconscious. Like a not yet polluted stream, somewhere deep in the woods. I like it there. It's pretty, pristine, and clean. But the world... It's out there... Evolution doesn't know, 'right and wrong,' though. There is what is, and what was, what works, and what doesn't...

People need to connect. They need connection. They need love. They'll forsake their most cherished beliefs, to simply be accepted by the, 'whole,' (see: "1984"). They'll gladly ignore the inconvenience of critical thought and acquisition of knowledge, for the continued (stability?) of petty thrills and simple life (see: "Brave New World"). And I may be no different. I've denied My Truth before, in fear, like Peter. People need love, and understanding. They need connection. More than philosophy and Truth, right and wrong, people need each other. And if I'm to make a vague, blind guess, perhaps it's paradoxical, that, the very Connection people crave and need, Itself, requires Truth, Knowledge, and Wisdom. One can belong, but, belong to what?

So, to the extent I can barely muster any of it at all: humility, and to the extent I can realize it at all: reality; if I were lucky, which I may not be: perhaps the greatest gift I have available to me, is a life of experience that (God I hope not), requires of me to be greatly humbled...


...Humbled by my queer disposition.

Though I can't help but tell myself: "You are not strange."

And a small thing inside of me, like with a throat closed by nervousness, tries to say, "Maybe you are brave, maybe."

I've mostly just thought thoughts.

And, I think, I'm slightly okay with that. I don't think I'm content with it, but, I dunno... I think it's okay.

Maybe like a small sunflower that managed to grow in some side alley, behind an apartment complex, and nobody saw it grow. Nobody saw it bloom. Maybe a couple bees visited here and there. And then, someday (gulp), it will be gone. A little flower, in an unsuspecting place, that was perhaps, much ado about nothing, heh (I still don't believe that either!).

I've most often struggled with decisions @Abstamyous :) Thnx for the impetus for some creative writing though (if even perhaps it was mostly just a good bit of puffery, heh).

Happy New Year!

(I don't subscribe to the concept of indefinite recovery (which I'm sure you know; forgive me), but I find I am always quite delighted by, if I may say so, your continual choice, to choose a path of continual transformation; your choice in seeking wellness/balance, and contented living. (if you don't mind my saying))
 
Last edited:
Anyone else make a decision for the New Year?
So, I hadn't made any but off the top of my head

Break a bad habit, learn a new skill, do a good deed, visit a new place, read a difficult book, write an important piece of music, try a new food, do something good for someone who can not thank me, take an important risk ..... ah bloody hell who am I kidding, more wine, women and song than last year.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top