Everybody is like that

[Okiedokes]

Do you ever have anyone say to you..."Oh everyone gets shy and has anxiety to some degree?" While that might be true.. that sentence also lessens the impact of how bad it is for people with real problems...that do exist. I realize that you can only begin to understand when you go through something that does impact your life and not just something you take a deep breath and get over. It bugs the crap out of me honestly when people try to act like they know everything about anxiety or depression when they don't know what it's like for people who are trapped in their homes with it. Something such as this cannot be tossed aside and say "Oh they are just shy." Really? It is a real problem, and it is to be taken seriously. Especially when the person is actually able to express their feelings. It only makes it worse when it's blown off. Speaking for myself and several of us out there who have real problems! hugz. I guess my whole point here was a half rant/half awareness purposes.

 

[Tiina63]

Yes, this is something I have encountered a lot. And it annoys me as well as it comes across as a putdown of your very real difficulties.
I hate the way that many people who are not very anxiuous, shy or lonely see these as trivial problem when in reality they destroy many people's lives.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I've come across that a few times myself. Bugs the hell out of me when people just brush things under the rug like that. It may be their attempt at defusing a situation but it really doesn't help much.

 

[StrawberrySmoothie]

I have experienced the same treatment and resulting frustration you have as well.
A lot of the time people will minimise your problems, so then they feel they don't have to deal with them or make any effort to help you, because it's not much of a problem.
Then there are just some people who are so narrow minded that they are unable to comprehend something they have not experienced themselves.

 

[Lone Apothecary]

Indeed. I've heard my fair share of blanket statements and vague "advice." Hearing those sorts of things puts a bad taste in my mouth. It almost seems like it's a cop-out so people don't have to worry about other people's problems. I can't really blame them though, as everyone has their own problems, but making other folks' troubles seem trivial is pretty inconsiderate in my opinion.

 

[Lua]

Yes. Sometimes you might not know how to help someone, but belittling their problems certainly doesn't help. There are situations I can't completely understand because I've never experienced them, but I'll at least try. Even if it's meant to be helpful, "everybody gets shy" etc. really isn't. I'm not too fond of the word shy anyway. It has that association with cuteness, which isn't really fitting...

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Yeah lots of people say that to me. I pretty much had my feelings ignored all my life. My mother tells me to deal with things just by being happy. Sure I can fake my happiness with no problem, I wear masks before people get to the core of me cause I'm afraid people won't like what they see. I had people promise me they'd always be my friend. Now I just nod and say ok. Anytime I get too thrilled things blow up in my face. And I feel like things are purposely being done so I can always suffer. I'll deal with anxiety all my life and peoples rude comments and broken promises. But I can't stand it when others bring others down. Those people need help.

 

[Walley]

I think, just as you wish others to understand the issues you face, it is also a 2way street and you have to also try to understand what people are saying when they may say things like that.
because it is true. everyone does have anxiety and moods and shyness and depression to certain a certain extent and the only real differences is severity.
it's not to make light of anyones issues, but it is a fact that they are human emotions and you are not a one of a kind soul that no normal person can understand, whether you feel like that at the time or not.
just as there are various degrees of depression among those that are diagnosed with it by professionals.
I see alot of members on this site talking about depression and I know a few that suffer from it myself that are on medication to help manage it. but I have one friend in particular that suffers at an entirely different lvl than the rest and to compare her depth of depression with some others can also appear insulting to her. most people, even on this site have no idea what depression is compared to her. so just when you may feel bad about yourself, there is always someone out there that makes your issues look like a walk in the park.
but does that mean that no one else is capable of relating to her?
no one can have a clue unless they are the same or worse?
i think it's not the case.
I've had pneumonia, it's alot like a bad cold or flu if we compare the symptoms. but, anyone with pneumonia will not appreciate the comparison though.

it's entirely different if someone is down-playing your severity. like if you have pneumonia and someone say's. walk it off! take some vitamin C! don't be a whimp.
well that's a different story and they are wrong for underestimating you.

I personally take offense when someone that is suffering from depression or anxiety claims that I don't understand simply because my issues are not as severe as theirs.
I don't have to freeze to death to know how to keep warm.
and you shouldnt discount other peoples advice just because you think that they don't understand you.
maybe they do?

 

[Okiedokes]

Ohh walley world... no offense to you if I said anything against how you feel. I can see it goes both ways, but only the person who suffers knows how severe theirs is and nobody should down play it to the extreme of just being shy. It's one thing to give advice and try to help, it is another to try to diagnose someone.

 

[Tealeaf]

Not giving other people's problems due consideration is a real problem, though I have to agree with Walley that I see a lot of people who don't explain their problems very well or listen.

That aside, I suppose it's easier to simply give someone a cliche or an assumption and close the book than it is to really look at the ugly and terrifying things that plague people. It takes a lot out of someone to really connect with another human being and get out of our own heads, let alone expose themselves regularly to the worst of the world (which is why I have so much respect for my stepmother who is a nurse and still does charity work), but what really gets me when it comes to people dismissing frank talk about an issue is that people lap it up if the speaker is charismatic (even cheesy) enough regardless of what's behind the words. They sure as hell like someone being dismissive and presumptuous if they're also being fed flattery and pretty prose.

This is part of why I rarely bother to talk about the worst of my problems or my most personal feelings except when they're bubbling over. I'm naturally brief and have more than once been overlooked for someone who simply talks more or talks louder. It gets to me when it happens, so I remove myself from the picture and stick to a few special people who know that ten words can mean as much as a hundred and tentative words can mean as much as passionate ones.

 

[Fustar]

People who say 'that happens to everyone" or "I had anxiety/Depression once it wasn't that bad" Its just a big giant pissing contest most of the time. In the long run it makes you feel more horrible then you were before you started talking about it. People in general are horrible, and will only make you feel more horrible given the right opportunity.

 

[monkeysocks]

Some people just don't make good counsellors, the way I deal with it is' to reject the bits that don't help and take on the bits that do. The ones who patronise just can't identify with the problem and are arrogant in sympathy.

 

[Milly]

At the risk of going against the grain here, I think that most people who say things like that are trying to be genuinely sympathetic - I'm not convinced people want to intentionally downplay somebody else's suffering, or that they're being callous by doing so. It's just very hard to know what's going through somebody's head.

God knows I'm really bad for anxiety, depression, PTSD and probably a load of other stuff, but there's no real outward sign of this. If you spoke to someone who worked with me they might suspect those things, possibly, but I doubt they'd realise the true depths of it. More likely they'd just think I was quiet and not particularly social.

I know it's not nice to get the impression your feelings are being downplayed or not being taken seriously. I just don't think it's always helpful (to yourself) to get annoyed at advice that, for its faults and ineffectiveness, is well-intentioned.

 

[JasonM]

What is the person suppose to say in response? Hey asshat, you are just flat out screwed! Why don't you chew the bark off a dog.

Perhaps it isn't what you want to hear, but I think it is an attempt to say, it's ok you're not alone.

 

[monkeysocks]

As said some people just don't make good counsellors by being sympathetic with words.

 

[Altoids]

I do think most people downplay the seriousness of severe anxiety and depression. They believe that "get over it" is the solution, when really, there's a mental block that will inhibit certain functions. In general, I think psychological disorders are just overshadowed by disorders with physical symtomps, i.e. obesity, Parkinsons, etc.

 

[Tinderleaf]

I feel the same way. I'm also starting to hate these blanket statements from "get over it" to "you're not alone" as it's just a temporary solution of recovery to the major issues I've encountered during my life, especially throughout my studies in university when I've failed a few supposedly easy classes that everyone else, friends alike, can pass it. All in all, you're better off seeing a counsellor or someone trustworthy that's more open minded who are more likely willing to delve and discuss your course of actions and solutions towards your issues rather than just rely on blanket statements from particular others.

 

[Revengineer]

I am one of those "shitty counselors" that you guys are talking about. You see I have a friend who suffers from severe depression, and being ignorant of these matters I told her "everyone has anxieties and insecurities, some are just better at hiding it than others." Not because I wanted to brush her feelings aside but because I wanted to let her know that I sympathized with her and that she isn't alone. She interpreted it as me calling her weak and started distancing herself from me. Now I realize just how much hurt I caused her.

I am frustrated with myself because I don't know the right words to say. Clearly sympathy isn't enough. I am very worried about her because she has attempted suicide twice in the past month, and was committed to a hospital for a week. I tell her I'm always available for her to talk to, but I feel she doesn't trust me much anymore.

I'm wondering if anyone here has any advice on what to do. Please don't judge too harshly. Thanks...

 

[ladyforsaken]

I am one of those "shitty counselors" that you guys are talking about. You see I have a friend who suffers from severe depression, and being ignorant of these matters I told her "everyone has anxieties and insecurities, some are just better at hiding it than others." Not because I wanted to brush her feelings aside but because I wanted to let her know that I sympathized with her and that she isn't alone. She interpreted it as me calling her weak and started distancing herself from me. Now I realize just how much hurt I caused her.

I am frustrated with myself because I don't know the right words to say. Clearly sympathy isn't enough. I am very worried about her because she has attempted suicide twice in the past month, and was committed to a hospital for a week. I tell her I'm always available for her to talk to, but I feel she doesn't trust me much anymore.

I'm wondering if anyone here has any advice on what to do. Please don't judge too harshly. Thanks...

Hey Revengineer. It's not easy trying to give advice to someone feeling really low and depressed or someone suffering from depression and anxiety. It takes quite a bit of patience and some skill really to be able to "get" them. From my own experience, the things I say usually don't have much impact but what matters is, you show care and concern and give your support as much as you can so they know that they're not alone all the way, constantly. Because being inconsistent leaves them feeling alone at times and those are the times when they just go into their own world and start thinking negatively. Just telling them that you're available, may not necessarily mean anything to them. Sometimes, these people need someone to make the effort to reach out to them rather than wait for them to speak up.

So, I don't know about what are the right things to say or advice because I'm not counsellor myself. But I do know that it makes one feel better knowing that someone is always there watching out for them or asking them how they are doing, or how they are feeling and getting them to talk things out even though you've got nothing to advice them - just go along and talk, comment and ask them questions so they see that you care, if that's how you truly feel.

This is just my take.. don't know if it'll work but it's just out of my own experience. I feel for you and your friend, I really hope that she'll feel better soon and hope you will too. Good luck with it.

 

[Misanthrope23]

Do you ever have anyone say to you..."Oh everyone gets shy and has anxiety to some degree?" While that might be true.. that sentence also lessens the impact of how bad it is for people with real problems...that do exist. I realize that you can only begin to understand when you go through something that does impact your life and not just something you take a deep breath and get over. It bugs the crap out of me honestly when people try to act like they know everything about anxiety or depression when they don't know what it's like for people who are trapped in their homes with it. Something such as this cannot be tossed aside and say "Oh they are just shy." Really? It is a real problem, and it is to be taken seriously. Especially when the person is actually able to express their feelings. It only makes it worse when it's blown off. Speaking for myself and several of us out there who have real problems! hugz. I guess my whole point here was a half rant/half awareness purposes.

i agree okiedokes! some people don't understand how difficult it can be to have depression/anxiety. they think it's just a passing phase or it can be cured just by medication. i think the best advice is trying to talk with people and find common ground as to why one suffers. though that may be hard for a shy person like me.