Family.....the role that you're given.

[Sunless Sky]

Hello everyone,

I want to talk about upbringing and how it helps shape you into the person you are going to be.

You see, I was brought up in a somewhat tumultuous household. My parents were stressed out all the time, one part was from their work as they were just starting out, another part was from taking care of me and my brothers. To provide a little context, my brothers, and me, all suffer from bipolar disorder, to varying degrees, this period of my life was before we ever got diagnosed and properly medicated. My brothers would cause a lot, and I mean a lot, of problems for my parents, to the point where everyone was at each other's throats. As a method of coping with that environment, I became somewhat of a peacemaker in the family. The problem is, I had my own issues. Issues that I was forced to bury deep inside me in order to continue being the "peacemaker". It was like walking on eggshells all the time.

Over time, I started to develop a hatred for my family. I hated them for causing me so much pain. I hated them for fighting all the time. I hated them for never looking at the big picture and at least trying to resolve their problems. I couldn't wait until I was out of the house so I properly start my life away from all that dysfunction. Little did I know, that dysfunction travelled with me. I am now very conflict avoidant. In any conflict situation, I try to end the hostilities as soon as possible. Even if that means hurting myself somehow. Granted, I am better now than I was before but still, that part of me never really went away.

I still have that irrational burning hatred for my family. Don't get me wrong, I love them all but I hate them at the same time too. I don't want to spend anytime around them.

Things have significantly improved once my brothers were medicated and my parents settled down in their jobs. Now that they don't need a peacemaker anymore, I have become cold and distant to all of them.

So now I ask you, can anyone relate? what are some of the environments you grew up in and how have they shaped who you are as a person now? What are your stories?

Thank you for reading.

PS: I got the idea for this post after watching this video " "

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm not going to tell my stories (and I have several), but I'm essentially the black sheep of my family. I embrace that. I don't care what they think of me because I choose who I am. And yeah, my past may have influenced who I am today, but of all the paths I could have went down, I chose the one I'm on now and it was worth it to me. My past doesn't define who I am, the choices I make today do.

Though, to be fair, I think my family (well, most of them) have embraced my black sheepness. lol

 

[Finished]

Long story short and skipping most of the details. My parents hated each other. My sibblings hated my dad. My dad and I liked each other. I would follow him around even when he did yard work. He was the only person I could honest call a friend in my adult life.

My dad would get me to say really mean hateful things to my mom and then laugh about it. I was used as a pawn by my mother to keep my dad from divorcing my mom. He would leave and then my mom would have me call him up and beg him to come back home. She would tell me that it was all my fault that he left and if he didn't come back home. Then when he did my sibblings when treat me like honeysuckle for getting him to come back. My older and much bigger brother would kick my ass on a regular basis. He loved suffocating me. Many times I would pass out. I got used to it and hoped I would die. But, I didn't. That made me angry.

I was always the go between between my mother and father because they didn't want to talk to each other. My mom would say go Tell you father to do this........... I would say, dad mom asked if you would do this........ He would ask, did she say to ask or did she say tell? I would say tell. He would say, well then, go tell her to go fresia herself. So, I would go tell my mom what he said. Then she would cry and tell me what a son of a ***** he was. After awhile I enjoyed doing that as I got a postive reward from my dad when I did.

So, I didn't have a clue how to be in a family or raise children. I learned to turn off all my feelings and just do and say things in a matter of fact way, which I still do today. Interacting with other kids in school was completely unnatural to me. I had to learn to show fake emotions to try to fit in.

So, yes, how you are raised has a huge effect on the person you will become. Now, I realize how messed up all of that was. I have been in relationship with women that had children. But, I always seemed like an observer or a vistor with them. I know how one should act. So, that's what I do. But, not because it's natural. I can totally relate to the character Dexter on the Dexter series.

 

[Sunless Sky]

Long story short and skipping most of the details. My parents hated each other. My sibblings hated my dad. My dad and I liked each other. I would follow him around even when he did yard work. He was the only person I could honest call a friend in my adult life.

My dad would get me to say really mean hateful things to my mom and then laugh about it. I was used as a pawn by my mother to keep my dad from divorcing my mom. He would leave and then my mom would have me call him up and beg him to come back home. She would tell me that it was all my fault that he left and if he didn't come back home. Then when he did my sibblings when treat me like honeysuckle for getting him to come back. My older and much bigger brother would kick my ass on a regular basis. He loved suffocating me. Many times I would pass out. I got used to it and hoped I would die. But, I didn't. That made me angry.

I was always the go between between my mother and father because they didn't want to talk to each other. My mom would say go Tell you father to do this........... I would say, dad mom asked if you would do this........ He would ask, did she say to ask or did she say tell? I would say tell. He would say, well then, go tell her to go fresia herself. So, I would go tell my mom what he said. Then she would cry and tell me what a son of a ***** he was. After awhile I enjoyed doing that as I got a postive reward from my dad when I did.

So, I didn't have a clue how to be in a family or raise children. I learned to turn off all my feelings and just do and say things in a matter of fact way, which I still do today. Interacting with other kids in school was completely unnatural to me. I had to learn to show fake emotions to try to fit in.

So, yes, how you are raised has a huge effect on the person you will become. Now, I realize how messed up all of that was. I have been in relationship with women that had children. But, I always seemed like an observer or a vistor with them. I know how one should act. So, that's what I do. But, not because it's natural. I can totally relate to the character Dexter on the Dexter series.

Funny you should say that, I was always told how similar I was to dexter. That I was just one bad day away from becoming him. I watched the show and I gotta say, I like the way he makes breakfast.