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Alone I Break

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I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything I try fails, no matter how big or small. Whatever I try to do to fix things fails, including things to fix myself. I can't be myself anymore so no one wants to talk to me, though to be fair even when I could be myself I guess I was such a loser no one wanted to bother with me anyway. I feel unwanted, unloved, feel like a complete outcast. I've stopped caring about myself and my life completely, so I sit here completely alone all day every day just hoping by some miracle my health fails because I don't have the courage to do anything myself.

I just tried watching one of my all time favorite comedy shows, had to stop it because I couldn't enjoy it. I have no appetite lately, can't sleep, can't enjoy anything I try. My health is such crap I can barely do anything anyway. No one cares. My family certainly doesn't, and the few I call friends don't seem to either. Got no reason to live, nothing and no one to live for. I feel completely empty inside, nothing fills that void.

To quote a Korn song:
I'm out here, by myself, all alone
Ready to blow my head off
I hurt so bad inside
I wish you could see the world through my eyes
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again
 

Alone I Break

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For a while Korn was one of the few things I could listen to and find some comfort in, even if the songs aren't always positive, but yeah now it doesn't help and typically just reminds me of my own downfall. Primus is another band I used to be able to relax to, but I even had to turn them off earlier.

It's an older show called The Kids In The Hall. Like I said it's one of my all time favorite comedy shows, hell one of my all time favorite shows in general, but I couldn't enjoy it. I was actually re-watching the seasons all over again thinking it would help, even after binge watching all episodes no more than a couple months ago, but yeah I couldn't enjoy it and it just made me feel worse knowing I couldn't.
 

TropicalStarfish

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Somewhere around... wow, 13 years ago? I lost touch with metal. I can't really listen to it anymore. I still have respect for the art; but, it's like I'm deaf to the tones... (See what I did there?) hah..

The Kids in the Hall was awesome, yeah. To be honest, I don't think I could watch that show for more than a few minutes, these days, though.

I'm watching Futurama right now. It's lovely. Sometimes I know I'm not in the mood to laugh though, so, I'll just put on a documentary or something.

An old favorite of mine, is Jack Rebney (Winnebago Man)... Dunno if you'll dig this one; but, holy ****, is it funny.. This video has been like a band-aid, or wound dressing, for so many things in my life, lol. Sucks when laughter can't fix things tho..



Fuckin' hotbite..
 

Alone I Break

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Deaf to the tones... Deftones... that sounds like the sort of thing I would say when I can actually be myself. I'm sure some would say I'm too old for metal, but I just can't get tired of it. I mean even though it's not helping like it was, I still basically keep Korn on repeat.

For me it's one of those shows I could never get tired of... well I guess unless my soul feels like it's been ripped out like right now for example.

I never really got into Futurama. Not sure why because it seemed like the sort of thing I should enjoy, well when I can enjoy things anyway. I mean I'd watch other edgy cartoons like South Park, Family Guy, Robot Chicken and a bunch of the other Adult Swim shows yet for whatever reason never got into Futurama.

I actually got a laugh out of that, thank you. I thought I had a foul mouth, geez. I just want to quote that line from the movie Scarface where Michelle Pfeiffer says "can't you stop saying **** all the time".

That song is very beautiful, though at the same time I found something haunting about it especially when paired with the video. The overall vibe makes me think of a song from the game Chrono Cross, I find it to be very beautiful yet eerie at the same time.

 

TropicalStarfish

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Yeah, the video didn't seem the best fit. Maybe i'll make a better version or something..

..I'll check out that song you linked.

Going to see if I can't catch some zzz's...

Take care friend. :)

also, one is never too old for metal...
 

Alone I Break

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Yeah that video had an eerie vibe to it. Those ghosts or spirits (or whatever they were meant to be) kinda made me think of myself and how I've been feeling. It's like they were there, but at the same time not, and there really wasn't much to them either. That's how I've felt lately, like I'm here but not and just completely hollow or empty.

I couldn't watch that last video you linked. As soon as I saw the guy he immediately reminded me of my favorite uncle when he was younger, and my uncle died last year so I had to stop it. I may go back and just listen to the audio.

Regardless of how any of it made me feel, thank you for even taking the time. I really appreciate it. My mind body and soul may be pretty much broken at this point, but I also don't like to be ungrateful or unappreciative when people actually take the time like you did. I'm sure it's hard enough dealing with your own things, but to go out of your way to try and help brighten someone else's day is really awesome so thank you.
 

TropicalStarfish

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Yeah that video had an eerie vibe to it. Those ghosts or spirits (or whatever they were meant to be) kinda made me think of myself and how I've been feeling. It's like they were there, but at the same time not, and there really wasn't much to them either. That's how I've felt lately, like I'm here but not and just completely hollow or empty.

I couldn't watch that last video you linked. As soon as I saw the guy he immediately reminded me of my favorite uncle when he was younger, and my uncle died last year so I had to stop it. I may go back and just listen to the audio.

Regardless of how any of it made me feel, thank you for even taking the time. I really appreciate it. My mind body and soul may be pretty much broken at this point, but I also don't like to be ungrateful or unappreciative when people actually take the time like you did. I'm sure it's hard enough dealing with your own things, but to go out of your way to try and help brighten someone else's day is really awesome so thank you.
hmm..

Yeah Steve Hughes is great, in my opinion, exceptionally great, actually. He's the first person I've heard say, "Metal is till death." heh. Hence why it's impossible to become, 'too old,' for metal..

Thank-you as well, for responding, despite going through a difficult time.

Numbness can happen; but, I hope you continue to endure. That's what I try to do.
 

Alone I Break

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hmm..

Yeah Steve Hughes is great, in my opinion, exceptionally great, actually. He's the first person I've heard say, "Metal is till death." heh. Hence why it's impossible to become, 'too old,' for metal..

Thank-you as well, for responding, despite going through a difficult time.

Numbness can happen; but, I hope you continue to endure. That's what I try to do.
I'm trying to endure, though I think I hit my limit. These last few days have been worse than ever, and unlike the past I can't distract myself from it anymore

Thank you for the DKC video. Always loved the music from those games. I was listening to Aquatic Ambience from the first game a couple days ago
 

okidoke

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I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything I try fails, no matter how big or small. Whatever I try to do to fix things fails, including things to fix myself. I can't be myself anymore so no one wants to talk to me, though to be fair even when I could be myself I guess I was such a loser no one wanted to bother with me anyway. I feel unwanted, unloved, feel like a complete outcast. I've stopped caring about myself and my life completely, so I sit here completely alone all day every day just hoping by some miracle my health fails because I don't have the courage to do anything myself.
You sound a lot like me (and probably thousands of others), but you know what I did? Firstly, I gave all this **** that was happening to me a name. EUI. It stands for the Entity of the Universe Itself. I gave it a name so then, secondly, I could say, "F*** you EUI. I have a right to live just like anyone else and you're not going to make me take my life".

I really know what you mean about everything going against you, even when you're trying to do something good for someone else and everything that can go wrong does and you ask yourself. "WTF, I'm trying to do something nice here godammit!!" How did I then tackle it all? I got a punching bag. And I began hitting it. I got fitter and started doing more physical exercise. I'm almost 56 and now fitter than I ever have been. I watch what I eat without being a nut about it and I am re-building myself. I came close several times to taking the ultimate out, but I wouldn't risk one of my kids finding me.

I just keep busy now. I go camping a lot, moreso since not travelling overseas since 2019, and enjoy nature. I read, watch the occasional comedy, and listen to music. I use music to motivate me, calm me or get me through a moment. I take responsibility for all my stuff ups in life.

I have very few friends that I socially interact with and practically no family, but I just do the things I do and we'll see what might happen. I don't have any expectations anymore - I just live for me now and whatever may come will come.
 

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