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Feeling really guilty for hurting someone

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solonely20

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I developed a friend online a few months ago and though, she's a bit older or much older than me, I felt we were connecting or at least I felt we did. Not going to get into the specifics of what we mostly talked about but she's not talking to me anymore and I doubt she'll talk to me again. It was a short but active dialogue between us (nothing romantic) but since I've been traumatized by people I know in real life and life circumstances I at times am easily able to connect with people who are nice to me as I'm not used to people being nice to me at least those in real life. I've found online people to be much nicer especially on this forum.

Our discussions were mostly based on one topic and I guess my passions, feelings or believing I'm right made me come off way too strongly on occasions. Normally, I don't come off strong on any issues and I've learnt to just let people speak what they want to say but I do feel other issues in my life at times have made me prone to snapping on occasions because in other avenues in my life my voice has been suppressed which it has and I'm so unhappy.

I know I hurt her a lot and she hates me. This is a new feeling for me because I've never hurt or upset anyone besides probably my mother but I'm not going to get into that.....sounds bad saying I've upset my mother but there is context to the story which I don't feel like sharing. I've just never been used to hurting people who did nothing bad to me. I do recall making a girl cry when I was like six years of age a long time ago now but nothing else. I've been the one who always gets hurt.

This is a new feeling. It is horrible. It is not helping my depression. It has been just over a month since she last msg me and her last msg was mean which hurt me. I've since apologized multiple times.

I think in time the feeling will go away but as for right now it hurts me a lot knowing I upset someone so much with my words. I allowed my aggression to be sent to her when she never did anything wrong to me when it should be released at other people who've made my life a living hell and who've also traumatized me but I guess since they've got control of me I can't do that....in other words I'm too weak to do it. And instead, I pushed my suppressed anger into her direction when all she ever did was be nice to me.

Feeling sucks. Like really, really, really sucks. It hurts feeling helpless. It hurts even more when you hurt people who were only nice to you.

Does anyone have any recommendations as to how I can feel less shitty? I've apologized multiple times and I've gotten no response so I'm not going to bother anymore with that.

I'm really not used to hurting people who've been nice to me. This is a new feeling.
 

solonely20

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We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on. Part of interacting with others is the risk of hurting and getting hurt. No point going back into your shell because of one difficult situation.

The thing is I was already in my shell before it happened. Normally I'd move on but I guess since she was so nice to me during a difficult period I feel extra guilty for being an asshole.

She said some very mean things to me with she last contacted me as well so there is that too that I made that bad of an impression on someone I like.

Feelings are horrible really. I'm not used to hurting people.

Thx for your thoughts though Sarah.
 

Sir Joseph

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Solonely20, I too have lost a couple of good friends over the decades, and it bothered me immensely as the incidents were irreconcilable at the time. After a quick, fatal blow, I accepted the loss of these relationships and moved on. As life went on though, I realized that it's not easy to make new friends, thus making old relationships and the time we invest in them all the more valuable. As retirement approached, I became even more sentimental over my life long relationships, including the lost ones. And thus, I tried reonnecting with them. I found that time did in fact heal, and I was able to rebuild old, lost friendships - if I had a means to contact them.

To this day, I have rebuilt 7 friendships that had gone dormant for 30+ years. That's the good news. The bad news is that I've been unable to find one of my very best friends that rebuffed me. I'm confident that time would have changed his heart on the matter, and that if I'd taken the trouble to approach him a year or two later, our friendship could have been reconciled and preserved - even now after 35 years; but, I can't find him.

So, what's the message for you? Give your friend time and peace away from you - at least a year, if not 2 or 3. But don't wait indefinately or you might lose contact means with her. And don't give up on the relationship, because it is valuable and worth trying to hold onto. Put a date on your calendar to reconnect. Knowing you've made a plan and commitment for potential reconciliation may help put your mind at ease now, knowing you've addressed the problem with a rational solution.
 
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I developed a friend online a few months ago and though, she's a bit older or much older than me, I felt we were connecting or at least I felt we did. Not going to get into the specifics of what we mostly talked about but she's not talking to me anymore and I doubt she'll talk to me again. It was a short but active dialogue between us (nothing romantic) but since I've been traumatized by people I know in real life and life circumstances I at times am easily able to connect with people who are nice to me as I'm not used to people being nice to me at least those in real life. I've found online people to be much nicer especially on this forum.

Our discussions were mostly based on one topic and I guess my passions, feelings or believing I'm right made me come off way too strongly on occasions. Normally, I don't come off strong on any issues and I've learnt to just let people speak what they want to say but I do feel other issues in my life at times have made me prone to snapping on occasions because in other avenues in my life my voice has been suppressed which it has and I'm so unhappy.

I know I hurt her a lot and she hates me. This is a new feeling for me because I've never hurt or upset anyone besides probably my mother but I'm not going to get into that.....sounds bad saying I've upset my mother but there is context to the story which I don't feel like sharing. I've just never been used to hurting people who did nothing bad to me. I do recall making a girl cry when I was like six years of age a long time ago now but nothing else. I've been the one who always gets hurt.

This is a new feeling. It is horrible. It is not helping my depression. It has been just over a month since she last msg me and her last msg was mean which hurt me. I've since apologized multiple times.

I think in time the feeling will go away but as for right now it hurts me a lot knowing I upset someone so much with my words. I allowed my aggression to be sent to her when she never did anything wrong to me when it should be released at other people who've made my life a living hell and who've also traumatized me but I guess since they've got control of me I can't do that....in other words I'm too weak to do it. And instead, I pushed my suppressed anger into her direction when all she ever did was be nice to me.

Feeling sucks. Like really, really, really sucks. It hurts feeling helpless. It hurts even more when you hurt people who were only nice to you.

Does anyone have any recommendations as to how I can feel less shitty? I've apologized multiple times and I've gotten no response so I'm not going to bother anymore with that.

I'm really not used to hurting people who've been nice to me. This is a new feeling.
If you’re not gonna get into this, that and the other, why are you here? I got halfway through your writing and stopped. If I wanna read mystery, I have an Agatha Christie book.
 

Adamridge79

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Well, years ago, when I was a pretty reprehensible person online, I may have hurt people....well, a bit. It was a lot of pent up messedupedness. Hell, my last relationship going on 6 years ago now, I was totally the bad guy. I really had to make some changes. And that shit is hard. But I addressed it. I worked on it. I own that. Sometimes we willingly do hurt others to replace the hurt we received. Sometimes we don't see the damage in real time. And, of course, sometimes we are just assholes. What you can take away from this is to see what category you fall under, and go from there.
 

Waldo P. Schmeer

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Throughout my life I have gained and lost friends. MANY times. And I can remember a time where it would hurt me as much as you have conveyed in your post.

Eventually you will learn that life is a stage play and many different characters come in and out between Acts 1 and 2, or however many acts you have. Some return later. Some just made a cameo.

You'll see that sometimes the most appropriate answer really is to just let go and keep traversing through your life. And yes, its ok to go back and try to mend. But if you can see that the person doesn't reciprocate, that isn't your fault. You tried, and that's the absolute best you can do. I commend you for trying to fix it. That is WAY more than most people would try. But if the fish ain't bitin', its time to pack up your rod and roll out.
 

Colster

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I think we are all guilty of having hurts somebody else, whether it be intentionally or not. Alas, you simply have to learn from it, and move on. Else, it will only hinder future connections with others.
 

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