forty years

[JJW]

I've been married forty years. We've been little more than room mates for the last 15 years. We share bills but little else. She went out of town for a few days. I don't miss her, not in that pining sense like when we were kids, but I feel lost with the routines disrupted. I'm a little depressed. She'll be home today. I guess I'll see how I feel when things get back to normal.

There is no love anymore. It's just financial convenience. We have an arrangement. We're going to separate once we both have our ducks in a row. I'm not comfortable with her life choices but we aren't a couple anymore, not in our hearts, so I don't feel I have the right to force my ways on her.

There's no love, but neither of us want the other to fall on hard times. I've spent the last two years getting her house back up to code and pretty. I'll be done in a week or so. I've put off a project of mine that should take care of my finances. I'll get that going through the winter.

I should be able to leave come spring. I'll be on my own. I'm wondering how I'll fair. I mean, that's a pretty big routine disruption. I've gotten too old to expect to find someone else. I know it's not impossible, I just don't see it as likely. I've never been good alone. It's a little scary.

 

[Sarah G]

I can imagine that separating after forty years would be incredibly difficult so I applaud you for doing it. Getting married must've been quite scary too, most things worth having are at least stressful if not terrifying in the beginning? Just take it one day at a time.

 

[JJW]

We got married in a Japanese garden. Performing was a renowned religious leader. Her father was a minister. I was way out of my eliment. Scary is an understatement.

My family and hers only amounted to a dozen guests. It was overcast all day, raining off and on. We decided to go ahead with it. The expenses were there even if we hadn't.

3:00 the guests were in place. The wedding began. Suddenly the sun came out. People started gathering. Our little wedding had 200 spectators.

It was magical.

As far as I believe our marriage ended five years in. That sense of fate has kept me with her over those years that I wanted to leave. Every time I tried to leave something happened that would make it hard on us... magic or just timely coincidence, so I'd decide to hold out until it passed.

I expect something unusual in spring. Maybe she'll lose her job, or the house burns down, or something that would make me look like an opportunistic ass if I left. But we'll see.

 

[Nabbit]

40 years is commendable. I'm engaged to someone right now and he's ready to get married but marriage scares me. I think it's natural for people's feelings for each other to change, everything in life changes and nothing lasts. It makes it hard for me to see the point in marriage. ... Maybe I'm just stupid though. The level of distrust I have for everyone makes me the least romantic person in the world, haha.

 

[JJW]

First, you shouldn't refer to yourself as stupid. I really hate that word. If you are smart enough to consider how smart you are not then you are not stupid.

As for marriage, I'll never do it again. It's a socially expected result when two people are in love, but as I see it, a couple's commitment is emotional. If you feel you need a contract to secure the commitment of your significant other then maybe the emotional commitment isn't as strong as you thought. Marry for religion. Marry for tax breaks. I'm not big on marrying for love. You can still love without a legal paper that makes a relationship more trouble to get out of than it was to get into.

I'm lucky in the sense that my wife and I are compatible roommates. She has her part of the house. I have mine. Dinner and evening TV are the only time we share.

On the other side of arguing with myself, I've known couples that after 50 years are still very much in love.

To commit yourself to one person for the rest of your life is a tough call to make. You'd better know each other really well before exchanging your vows. I'm speaking generally. I'm not offering advice. This is just my point of view based on my own experience. If I were to give you advice, it would be to not listen to anyone other than your own heart. It's a big choice and it will redirect your life. But you are the only one that can predict where each path might take you.

 

[vauxhallastra]

As far as I believe our marriage ended five years in. That sense of fate has kept me with her over those years that I wanted to leave. Every time I tried to leave something happened that would make it hard on us... magic or just timely coincidence, so I'd decide to hold out until it passed.

Can I ask what it was that made the marriage over after 5 years? Did you think that at the time, or are you just speaking generally, that looking back you realise that was the time at which it was over?

Personally, I think love is overrated. Two quotes that I like:

"People would never fall in love if they hadn't read about it in books." - Some c18th French author I forget.

"Please, a little less love, and a little more common decency." - Kurt Vonnegut.

 

[user 139760]

See, all this for me is what a normal relationship, a normal marriage IS. I've yet to see the renowned storybook love from movies or telivision. It's probably the reasons behin me being alone for so long and my reticence with love in general; I don't really believe it anymore.
To me that's a sad, dark, painful admission, because it's not what I want, but it's all I ever see.
I think you and your wife are to be commended, much like my parents are to be for them being married slightly longer than you have been. But seeing them go breaks my heart for how...sad it is that love is gone. yet, after so long, I don't see one surviving without the other.
...is that it? Is that love?
Thing is, I'm sure you and your wife are two great people. Oh, with flaws too, like anyone else, but decent, caring, pleasant people. But...I don't know if I'm saying how it makes me feel right. It's not like I can talk to my dad about things like that. But it just feels like...erosion over time? Is that what love only becomes?

 

[JJW]

Can I ask what it was that made the marriage over after 5 years? Did you think that at the time, or are you just speaking generally, that looking back you realize that was the time at which it was over?

She stopped living for us and started living for her. I warned her then that we were failing. She'd turn it on me with some comment like, "you don't want me to be happy." Or "your being selfish," if I didn't want what she wanted. My mistake was giving in to her.