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Going to be gone for a while...

Richard_39

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Alright, how long has it been now...8 months or something since I been here last? Little update time.

I'd like to apologise off the bat to my friends who wrote me and I didnt write back, much love to you all, but I'm a bad correspondent. Needless to say thank you for your messages and your love is returned. If you guys are still here at all. Truth is, I still cant afford a decent pc and my ipad is having so many issues its hard to come and one finger type here or on Discord for more than 5 minutes at a time. So this message was written in several shots and will probably take me two hours. So sorry for not answering one by one.

How am I? Well, better than I was, yet worse sometimes. I don't know, really. Life is kind of....muddled. Weird. I feel like I kind of lost interest in it, to be honest. Its a boring, dreary succession of going to bed in the morning, getting up at 9 at night, going to work, coming back in the morning and starting over again. Doing not much of anything except sleeping, eating little and finding everything a chore. Some days I wonder if Im still sane. Others, I wonder if my wonderings of being sane is a sign of creeping insanity. Sometimes I wonder if beeing really sane is actually what makes people go insane. Like staring at cold, hard Truth and not blinking is actually what makes people nuts or something. Maybe all this is a dream. Sure feels like it somedays. Tho, the cuts and bruises I got from the machinery at works remind me that if its a dream, it sure as hell can be painfull.
March is coming. We have a court date for when the bastard might get released. Because of course, thanks to our wonderfully crafted justice system, 5 1/2 years of prison can turn into 1/6 of your sentence. I can feel my anal muscles tightening in apprehension already. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know this; if it comes to pass, Ill stay out of the way. But if something from the past arrives to threathen my family, I won't trust the system a second time. My heart won't be able to take it. So I pray to the invisible, non-existent nothingness above that he keep me and mine from harm if he doesnt want a perfectly undesirable member of his flock to come join him early. Either that or Ill be showing up there in great shame at being so weak.
Besides that, nothing much. Still single, not looking. Yet looking. It's complicated. I guess I need a Princess Leia to pursue me for a change. Too bad she died. I've also been thinking about writing. Like really sitting down and writing. But my general lack of enthusiasm at life in general is kind of blocking me. Guess I just havent found the right motivation yet. Hope I do before Im 70.

Take care y'all. Peace. Ill try to be less of a stranger.
 

Rodent

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It's nice to see your name pop up again, Richard. To be honest, shame on me for not trying to reach out to you but I'm glad you're still out there. Don't stop being alive and kicking, no matter what.
 

Just Games

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Yeah Richard hope you keeping well for them daughters , bet they are so proud of you and love you to bits mate....remember turbo ...London invite.
 

JJW

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You will never blame the child for her own being. In that, if you have the chance, I'm sure you will love her regardless.

I had a similar experience, my son had a sudden personality change when he was nine. I saw the signs. So many simply baffled me. I couldn't understand them.

Not until my wife's brother committed suicide did I get the answers I'd missed. Looking into reasons for his death I found him on an abuse survivor site. I was stunned. Suddenly all those clues I'd found ten years earlier made sense. They'd both had the same abuser.

Not meaning to redirect this thread, it is important that you keep your daughter close in your arms all you can. Abuse changes children. They can't cope with it. They harbor anger and confusion and guilt. So make sure you tell her you love her and do it often. You don't need to bring up the why of it. She just needs to know you are behind her no matter what.

I say this because I've lost my son. We were best buddies before this. After, he was acting out. He never had the opportunity to deal with it. I couldn't fathom the abuser having done what I now know he did. I was left to confused to address it. My son has blocked it. He outright denies it now. But his anger had ten years to fester and it hunts for reasons to be, and he chose me as the source of all his pain. And he lets me know regularly.

I suppose I am at fault for not putting the clues together in time for him to deal with it. It's tough to fix something broken for so long. That's up to him now. He knows his anger is a problem. Until he faces the truth it will go on. But I'll never get him back.

Do all you can to not lose her.
 

Richard_39

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You will never blame the child for her own being. In that, if you have the chance, I'm sure you will love her regardless.

I had a similar experience, my son had a sudden personality change when he was nine. I saw the signs. So many simply baffled me. I couldn't understand them.

Not until my wife's brother committed suicide did I get the answers I'd missed. Looking into reasons for his death I found him on an abuse survivor site. I was stunned. Suddenly all those clues I'd found ten years earlier made sense. They'd both had the same abuser.

Not meaning to redirect this thread, it is important that you keep your daughter close in your arms all you can. Abuse changes children. They can't cope with it. They harbor anger and confusion and guilt. So make sure you tell her you love her and do it often. You don't need to bring up the why of it. She just needs to know you are behind her no matter what.

I say this because I've lost my son. We were best buddies before this. After, he was acting out. He never had the opportunity to deal with it. I couldn't fathom the abuser having done what I now know he did. I was left to confused to address it. My son has blocked it. He outright denies it now. But his anger had ten years to fester and it hunts for reasons to be, and he chose me as the source of all his pain. And he lets me know regularly.

I suppose I am at fault for not putting the clues together in time for him to deal with it. It's tough to fix something broken for so long. That's up to him now. He knows his anger is a problem. Until he faces the truth it will go on. But I'll never get him back.

Do all you can to not lose her.
They know it. I do everything I can and never miss a chance to let them know I love them. Ironically, my oldest is the one who is faring the best out of all of us. I don't know where that kid came from, she is without a doubt the single, most inteloigent, strongest and courageous young woman I k ow, bar none. I am immensely proud of her. She's using that as a focal point to channel her life into positivity. She's in college studying psychology. She's been with her boyfriend for three years, a nice strapping young lad her age who knows and respects everything she's been through, who's also slightly terrified of me. She has a good and varied social circle now that the pandemic is over. And she's fearless. Utterly. She's everything I hoped she would be and more.
I'm more worried about my youngest. She's more like me at her age. She bottles up and keeps it in. She developed negative feelings towards men and is uncomfortable sometimes, even with me, even if she loves me. So I do what I wish others gave me more of; a little space. I needed to work things out, so does she. But she's terrified of running into him.
Because he's out of jail now. Been out 3 days. Every time I see cop sirens on the street going their direction, I call under some pathetic excuse just to check that their fine. I work night shifts barely a minute dead run from their place, in case something happens. I'm not dealing with this real well. I don't know how to. I'm rather removed from my emotions besides, at the best of time, low-boiling anger and at the worst, fits of rage if I think too much about it. Happening more often since last week.
I went on a dating website recently. But, scrolling through pictures I feel...nothing. Sometimes I'll get looks or a smile from a nice looking girl on the subway or some such and I can't return it. I just stare with a deadpan expressionles face until I pass them by or they turn away and I have no idea why. I tried some help, but psy help just brings me back there and makes me remember and that's not the way I heal.
I've always healed over time. But after five years of falling asleep on the couch every day and waking up to the thought that I live in a world where this happened and that I want to kill him, falling asleep with the same, I'm considering that maybe there is no healing from this. That it permanently damaged me and drove me way too close to the brink of insanity. I don't know, but I wonder, because nothing feels right anymore. Nothing feels good, or fun, or passionate anymore. I've always been a good listener but people's problems or life stories right now leave me so unfazed, or hostile that they whine about so little, sometimes.
I don't know how to come back from this. These days I'm wondering if I ever will. I hold on for my kids, because I love them, they love me and I have an obligation to never let pain come their way for the rest of their lives.
But how do you go on or regrow enthusiasm when life no longer holds any appeal anymore? When all you can think about is that, almost 24/7, or when random people at work start talking about this or that child abuse story they heard on the news and wonder why you dont say anything, or look pissed off, or move away because you can't listen to that anymore?

Ugh, anyway, consider this an update. I'm not dealing well with any of this and I feel like a ticking time bomb. Couple that with goddamm rats in the wall the landlord dorsnt want to get rid of and the façt I'm practically pennyless from the 18 years of child support and said child support causing me to neglect my teeth for that period, culminating in me having most of them pulled out to be replaced with dentures that'll cost me 12000 over 10 years that I don't have, and I'm barely holding on. I only know how to move forward, which is where I'm going, but I just feel like I'm going through the motions. It's not for no reason I have a Firefly reference in my pic; I feel like I lost the war, the one to keep my kids safe, and every victory after that, anything I might achieve in life, feels hollow and not a victory at all. They don't matter. THIS mattered. It was the only thing that mattered and I wasnt intelligent enough or wise enough to stop it. I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself for it. I no longer know how to move forward the right way. I just do.
But it's not fun anymore.
 

MissBehave

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Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. I don't have much to say. Just wanted you to know that I read your words and I feel your pain like a similar wound upon myself.
 

Richard_39

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Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. I don't have much to say. Just wanted you to know that I read your words and I feel your pain like a similar wound upon myself.
Thanks. But don't. It's even part of why I'm still single; if I let some fall for me, she'll have to carry it around. No one but me has to. No one SHOULD have to.
But thanks for the thoughts.
 

vauxhallastra

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You and I have quite a few superficial similarities, and I have been in quite a dark place recently (not as dark as in the past, though), but reading your story made me realise how fortunate I am.

I don't know why, but reading your posts on this thread reminded me of a song by the band Eels, about the singer's sister's suicide, where he sings "Do you know what it's like to fall on the floor, cry your guts out until you've got no more? Hey man, now you're really living."

The thing about Mal from Firelfy, is that he although he was permanently broken by the war, he was still a good dude, always. I think you are a good dude too. Sincere best wishes.
 

JJW

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Fire Fly fan here too.

Hoping you find the best available to you. Greetings and farewells are often hollow and only a reciprocation, or just expected, but I honestly hope you and your girls find peace in life. It could be hard if you hold on to that anger. But no one can fault you if you do.

Peace, love, tranquility.
 

Just_another_one

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Thanks. But don't. It's even part of why I'm still single; if I let some fall for me, she'll have to carry it around. No one but me has to. No one SHOULD have to.
But thanks for the thoughts.
I've been reading this thread from the beginning. Now I get better what you were talking about yesterday about dating.
I'm so sorry for what happened to yor girls. I hope they're better now. There are no words for such a thing.
 
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