Guess I am Too Nice

[SophiaGrace]

So,

I am having several infuriating incidents right now in graduate school and I don't know how to not be angry about these incidents.

I feel so invalidated by my cohort (classmates). And I just figured out that one of them saw me post my grade on facebook. (I do this sometimes, because, I am proud of myself, and it lets my family be proud of me too). My grade was much better than theirs.

They abused this information, this trust that I had with them to go and talk with the professor about unequal standards.

I have since unfriended them, but this explains why this person has been nasty to me in class. Invalidating things I've said, and laughing at me.

Unfortunately it's not just this one classmate, but three of my 7 classmates doing this to me. All I wanted to do was make friends.

What is wrong with this world?

(and yes, I am trying to make an appointment with my Academic Advisor)

Never add people you just met to fb. Like from work, or from school for this reason. They don't deserve to know your inner being unless you trust them. This world is ridiculous and competitive.

All I wanted was cooperation. All I wanted was friends. I never wanted to be laughed at and belittled.

I'm so angry it's not even funny...

Another Incident: When the professor said that I did good with my counseling and gave me what I felt was good feedback. They told me he didn't give me enough. They were unhappy that I got a good review. It makes me feel good, that I seem to be doing well with mock therapy sessions, and it felt like they took it away from me.

Geez.

 

[Rosebolt]

Heey Soph, i'm sorry to hear about all this. :/

Competitiveness is indeed a common theme among humanity, more easily visible when someone (you, in this case) is doing very well for themselves. The more succes you have, the more haters you will gather, that seems to be a rule, i found. This is the point where you remind yourself of why you are doing what you're doing, and where it is you want to be, in your studies, in this case.

Of course i fully understand you'd be feeling alone and perhaps rejected because of all this, however it might not be just because you are nice, but more because you are succesful. I'm not sure if there's much you can do to counter this competitive nature, though i do know that your own mindset is changeable. That does not mean at all you have to be a cold and mean person.

I guess what i'm getting at is the cliche believe in yourself and fresia the haters. You know Sophia, if you just want to talk or vent or wathever you feel like doing, i'm always here to listen.

And congratulations on your great grades.

 

[user 115627]

I had always hoped people eventually would grow out of that kindergarden mentality of being mad about others getting better grades. and even marking them as nerds, teacher's pets or else. I figure that's not the case for some folks.

Back in secondary school we had a similar issue about unequal standards in English class. There was never anybody that openly attacked me for getting A's most of the time. Neither did anyone laugh at me. (there was a 'very Christian' girl that got some of that though). I was never making a big deal out of my grades and I've been known as a humble person in general. There even was one occurrance where I went to the teacher after a presentation - which seriously was not that good - to have myself downgraded. A request that was not fulfilled though. But the mere attempt may have solidified the way others perceived me.

You'll learn to be above such things. That doesn't mean you should let slandering and ridiculing just slide. You have the right to be content with your grades and to share it with your family. Sadly you can't cut other people's envy out of the picture.

Since it's unlikely that these people suddenly grow up, you'll have to make up for it. Not adding mere acquaintances in social networks is a wise decision. Other than that, you just have to keep a level head about it. Adapt and overcome...

 

[Case]

Sorry, Sophia. That sounds really stupid of these classmates of yours. Sadly, there are people who are either so competitive that they get angry at anyone who does better than them, or there are those who will seek to undermine everyone's efforts simply because they have no motivation to be better themselves. These people are toxic and do not deserve our friendship.

But it sounds like you are succeeding despite the bad classmates. Maybe you can look forward to a day when you graduate and you don't have to deal with those people again.

You should never be made to feel bad for getting a good grade.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I suppose it doesn't feel all that great to be criticized on Facebook. If they don't wish you well, regardless of how they measure up to numeric grades, then they aren't your friends. And they aren't worth worrying about. You think they stayed up all night being upset you got a better grade? Didn't think so. You did well, and you should be grateful that you had the wherewithal to do so. I can tell you right now that I think school is a pain in the ass, so anyone who can go through it and pass, more power to them.

 

[blackdot]

Competitiveness is indeed a common theme among humanity, more easily visible when someone (you, in this case) is doing very well for themselves. The more succes you have, the more haters you will gather, that seems to be a rule, i found. This is the point where you remind yourself of why you are doing what you're doing, and where it is you want to be, in your studies, in this case.

Jealousy is another one. I know I unfortunately find myself getting extremely jealous of other people's happy lives. It's really something that is hard to control.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Jealousy is another one. I know I unfortunately find myself getting extremely jealous of other people's happy lives. It's really something that is hard to control.

Do you also not find it to be a waste of your time, energy, and effort?

 

[ladyforsaken]

Some people truly have nothing good or better to do. It's why I also find it hard to trust people and let them in into my personal life because you never know what can happen. They can turn around and use whatever you have against you. It's ridiculous and stupid but that's how some people are when they are jealous, greedy or just not happy with their lives or anything at all.

Soph, I think you know for yourself what you have achieved and accomplished and for you to be proud of yourself and wanting to share it with your loved ones and friends - I think that's great. People tend to want to share about their new partners or relationships or new car.... why can't it also be applied to something like this, right? Seriously though, those people have nothing better to do in their lives and that's probably why they're not doing as great. You're better off without those kind of "friends". You did great, Soph. And we're all here very proud of you. *hugs*

 

[SophiaGrace]

it might not be just because you are nice, but more because you are succesful.

Yes.

I am the type of person that would help other people struggling with classwork if they asked me to.

Of course, these people would probably never ask, but that's how I am.

Cooperative, not competitive.

I've had this happen before in undergrad in my psychology honor society board meetings where other board members bulldozed me and ignored what I had to say because they felt I was of lower status than they were. I actually lost my mind with the president of this society because they were controlling everything (taking away jobs from me that I was assigned), and I told the president that this wasn't their society, and walked out of a meeting. Other board members would try to take jobs from me too. Things didn't get better, but at least I wasn't actively mocked and belittled in board meetings like I am in grad classes.

I am getting a mental headache just remembering this. I actively dislike competitive people. When I looked up bullying in grad programs, I got a whole thread from metafilter basically saying it was normal.

So, I have to talk this over with my academic advisor and learn how to deal with it. I love my program, but these conflicts are taking a lot of heart out of me. It's just life.

 

[Rosebolt]

I realise what i'm going to say is quite controversial, but here goes.

I believe, Soph, that because of what you have witnessed and endured in your life, you've build up a very strong character. A character that is stronger than the character of the people that belittle you. Being able to handle succes well depends for a great deal on character. So, the reason you are still wanting to be cooperative, is because of your well developed character, something they apparently lack.

Of course there is more to it than just character, but i do believe it to be a great cornerstone.

Yes i also know i can't say those other people haven't gone through anything in their lives and i don't know their lives etc etc, however they apparently handled it not as good as you did, Soph.

 

[blackdot]

Jealousy is another one. I know I unfortunately find myself getting extremely jealous of other people's happy lives. It's really something that is hard to control.

Do you also not find it to be a waste of your time, energy, and effort?

It's not that I am getting jealous on purpose. It's that I have nothing else to do but be jealous. *laughs*

 

[SofiasMami]

Heey Soph, i'm sorry to hear about all this. :/

Competitiveness is indeed a common theme among humanity, more easily visible when someone (you, in this case) is doing very well for themselves. The more succes you have, the more haters you will gather, that seems to be a rule, i found. This is the point where you remind yourself of why you are doing what you're doing, and where it is you want to be, in your studies, in this case.

Truer words were never spoken - having been around the block a few times and then some with various jobs, university (grad school, too), I've learned to care about only the opinions that matter, like those of managers and professors. The rest are just background noise. That attitude has served me well. Keep your head in your studies and the lines of communication with your professors open and I think you'll be ok.

And I definitely agree with not adding someone you just met on Facebook. There are a whole lot of people I see every day but no way are they getting the chance to poop on my profile or personal life!

-Teresa

 

[SophiaGrace]

Heey Soph, i'm sorry to hear about all this. :/

Competitiveness is indeed a common theme among humanity, more easily visible when someone (you, in this case) is doing very well for themselves. The more succes you have, the more haters you will gather, that seems to be a rule, i found. This is the point where you remind yourself of why you are doing what you're doing, and where it is you want to be, in your studies, in this case.

Truer words were never spoken - having been around the block a few times and then some with various jobs, university (grad school, too), I've learned to care about only the opinions that matter, like those of managers and professors. The rest are just background noise. That attitude has served me well. Keep your head in your studies and the lines of communication with your professors open and I think you'll be ok.

And I definitely agree with not adding someone you just met on Facebook. There are a whole lot of people I see every day but no way are they getting the chance to poop on my profile or personal life!

-Teresa

You are right. I should keep my head down and do my own thing.

 

[Tealeaf]

Well, it's very easy to be too nice... but I'm not sure that's what it is, either. Being too nice in my case led to many people attaching to me as a surrogate girlfriend/mommy/therapist. It was being too trusting and assuming the best of others that led to destructive people in my life, because I never made an effort to protect my own interests among a crowd or question what I would and wouldn't regret sharing down the road. Why would I worry about such a thing among decent, trustworthy, and mature people?

(many people are not those things)

You can still be nice, it's just best to also know how to be cruel. You can still be trusting, it's just best to also know how to be selective.

 

[Surcruxum]

You can still be nice, it's just best to also know how to be cruel. You can still be trusting, it's just best to also know how to be selective.

Agree. It's ok to be nice, but you need to put yourself ahead of people. I was also too nice. I was a punching bag and people often step on me. They took advantage of my kindness. I couldn't say no to what people ask me to do, and people make fun of me knowing I couldn't fight back. Now I changed. I'm not afraid to hurt people's feelings any more. You can still be nice to people. Sometimes people who are nice are the ones who I trust the most ^_^

 

[VanillaCreme]

You are right. I should keep my head down and do my own thing.

Why keep your head down? Keep it up and continue doing what you're doing. You go to school for you, not for them.

 

[Rosebolt]

There is another option that i didn't mention before and do not see mentioned. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep trying to make friends. You'll be hurt alot, and you'll need a very thick skin, but eventually you might find the kind of people that make it all worthwhile. However, only do this if you find being cooperative is something that's rooted in your genes, and something you don't want to get out of it, at whatever cost.

It's something that fits with my previous theme of doing whatever it is you want to do regardless of other people, however i overlooked this option. So, if this is something you definately, next to your studies, want to do, then it's something worth considering.

I believe in you.

 

[Therapon]

Facebook has something called "Lists".

If you add your family to a list called "Family", then you can choose to make certain posts only show up to family and others of your choosing.

 

[ladyforsaken]

You are right. I should keep my head down and do my own thing.

Why keep your head down? Keep it up and continue doing what you're doing. You go to school for you, not for them.

This, Soph. I was thinking the same when I read your post there. You should keep being yourself, keep doing great in your studies and keep being proud of your achievements.. basically, just keep rising above. You deserve to be happy with the outcome of your efforts.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Just a thought, which in NO WAY excuses poor behavior, but I wonder if maybe the person in question feels that maybe you were "bragging."
NOT that you were - FB really is what a large majority of the population uses these days to keep friends and family up to date, etc.
Perhaps she felt bad - which is on her, not you - but it may provide the answer to her behavior.