He is hurting me !! Why 😢😢...?

[Dinaa]

Hey guys,
I've meet a guy from Finland on fb. We have been talking for 10 months everyday, texting , sometimes facetiming even if it didn't work all the time because of bad connection . We were in the beginning just friends , then it developed to more. We started flirting then being more intimate. He is a nice well educated guy, kind , sweet , cultivated, respectful . He has helped me go through bad times. We are so close to each other. We have agreed we are more than friends but never said we are a couple . Although , it was moving slowly to that. We didn't want to rush things. I really want us to be together though , I really really like him a lot . Because of work and studying, I didn't have much time to travel so we can meet , he neither , but he said he may come February after he gets the new job. He opened up about his chronic desease and said if I was ok with that. I told him i'm Christian and I wanna save sex for marriage , he said he is sad we can't do it but he likes me the way i'm.He has said so many times, he doesn't wanna meet any girl because he wanna be only with me. 2 days ago , he told me I have to go out and meet guys, get a bf and be happy. He totally choked me. He said we can't be together  and he can't imagine himself with me for the rest of his life. He said we are living so far away from each other and each of us stuck in his country for almost some few more years, it is unlikely for us to be together, and he feels getting old (29 years old). He said he doesn't want me to be surprised if he ever finds a gf and doesn't wanna loose my friendship because of that. He was sorry he hurts me like that but he has to be realistic.
I'm heartbroken , wounded , feeling unwanted and blaming myself if I ever gave him attention more than he deserves because he Means a lot to me. My life right now is very though, he was the only person keeping me smiling and hoping for the best. I really want us to be together because we can solve that distance problem. I feel bad, I barely fight through the hard work, study and not showing all what I feel inside so my mum who has bipolar trouble doesn't get influenced , because every stress she has makes her not taking her pills and making my life even more difficult. That relationship was like a light life gave me and helps me to go through darkness. I'm hurt, weak and lost. Today, it's his birthday . He is maybe somewhere partying, hasn't talked much to me these days, while i'm here blaming myself why I got too attached and fighting against to move one. Guys , it is soo hard !!

 

[MisterLonely]

Hello Dinaa and eventhough your not feeling to well i'd like to say happy bithday first!

I don't know enough about either of you and your relationship to give well informed advise or an educated opinion, i'll try anyway though, I'm stubborn like that

You can't change someone elses decision and whatever the thinking behind it, he decided not to string you allong any longer, eventhough this hurst right now it will be a blessing in the long run! I'm not telling you to give up all hope, but you should ajust your expectations a bit, if only to protect yourself from further hurt.

I don't want to get you down any further then you are right now but youhave said so many things that make me think this realy is a one way infatuation, you said you both agree your more then friends, but he never called the two of you a couple.. so to him you never were a couple.

My guess is that he is doing this now so you won't get hurt even more later on, he wants you to move on and be happy.

Don't blame yourself for anything though, you can only be who you are and if others don't like that then that is not your problem, it's theirs! You call this relationship a life light, and we all need some light in our lives to guide us. Pirates used to use a technique called "wrecking" to lead a ship to ground and plunder it, they did this by building fake guide lights.... my point being that you can't be sure if the light your following is guiding you away from danger and hurt or towards it...

I hope you do have a happy birthdayand find the strength to feel good about yourself and who you are,

Mr.L

 

[Somnambulist]

Mr. L, I love the pirates analogy

Dinaa, what I gathered from your post is that no sex was a deal breaker to the guy for your relationship. Unfortunately, that was (at least) one topic on which the two of you didn't meet eye to eye. I also think that he was uncomfortable and unable to tell this to you directly - that no sex is a deal breaker. He went about telling you this in a roundabout way, suggesting that you should go out and get a bf.

Something similar happened to me with a Catholic girl I dated a long time ago, although it was not about sex vs no sex. The topic suddenly came up one night while we were in bed. Our views were complete opposites of each other, and she walked out at 1 am ... I was in tears and heartbroken.

As sad and as cold as it sounds, we all have our priorities and standards and morals to safeguard. Sex was a priority to this guy. You being a devout Christian, you want to preserve your virginity. Both these views are understandable, and neither of you needs to compromise, in my opinion.

The dilemma, I think, arises because, at first, we don't want to open ourselves up to a stranger. So, these important discussions about sex and marriage and children (or other important topics) don't come up until later in the relationship, at a time when you have already developed feelings for each other ! Then, there's an unpleasant surprise and boom, it's over. I don't know what the solution to this dilemma would be.

But, I think the moral of the story is that none of this indicates anything wrong with you or a need to change. You just weren't right for each other. As Mr. L so eloquently said, you don't want to be misled into a relationship where you have to change who you are. Stand by who you are and in the future, when someone who accepts you as you are does come along, it will be a better match for you.

BTW, a lot of my Christian friends have met significant others through their church. And they say that that is a great way to meet a partner because you already have the same or similar religious views. Is that something that you could take advantage of ?

In any case, I see no harm in just staying friends with him, unless there is a constant reminder of the unpleasant and harsh reality, or if he denigrates you for not wanting to have sex.

P.S. For the record, and this is not to suggest you were wrong in any way, it is just to give you perspective ... I, personally, would not get into a relationship that is devoid of sex. In other words, marriage, to me, is not a criteria for sex. Sex is important to me, and, in most circumstances, no sex would be a deal breaker for me.

 

[Dinaa]

Thank you guys, a lot , it means a lot to me all your support .
Ps: he has mentioned so many times how he was sad he couldn't have sex with me and how he wants to be with me badly. He has never said that he doesn't like me because of that, maybe he couldn't say it directly. One day he said if we were a couple, you would have been sending me sexy pics by now. Maybe that was it !

 

[MisterLonely]

Thank you guys, a lot , it means a lot to me all your support .
Ps: he has mentioned so many times how he was sad he couldn't have sex with me and how he wants to be with me badly. He has never said that he doesn't like me because of that, maybe he couldn't say it directly. One day he said if we were a couple, you would have been sending me sexy pics by now. Maybe that was it !

Ok now I think he sounds like a creep, has he send sexy pictures of himself to you by any chance?

It doesn't have to mean that he doesn't like you, he just wants to have sex with you, and as Somnambulist said with himself as example, for some men that's a dealbreaker, and there is nothing you can do about that execpt going agains your own beliefs, and noone that truly cares for you will be ok with that!

So please do not blame yourself, you do not have to betray your own morals and values to get a guy.

 

[Somnambulist]

Thank you guys, a lot , it means a lot to me all your support .
Ps: he has mentioned so many times how he was sad he couldn't have sex with me and how he wants to be with me badly. He has never said that he doesn't like me because of that, maybe he couldn't say it directly. One day he said if we were a couple, you would have been sending me sexy pics by now. Maybe that was it !

Ok now I think he sounds like a creep, has he send sexy pictures of himself to you by any chance?

It doesn't have to mean that he doesn't like you, he just wants to have sex with you, and as Somnambulist said with himself as example, for some men that's a dealbreaker, and there is nothing you can do about that execpt going agains your own beliefs, and noone that truly cares for you will be ok with that!

So please do not blame yourself, you do not have to betray your own morals and values to get a guy.

I agree, I'm also seeing this guy in a different light now.

It definitely sounds like this relationship was perceived differently by you vs him. It was more emotional to you, while for this guy, perhaps, it was more infatuation and sex-based.

And, the "sadness" that he talked about may have been located just below his waist, not in his mind or heart.

 

[Dinaa]

He always send me pics about what he is doing, what is his place like, regular pics, because the facetiming is not working. Sometimes he took some topless pics and say he want me to do the same what i've never done, but he didn't hate the fact of me saying no or pressuring on me the sexy pics

Does it mean when he said I mean to him a lot , or he likes me , it was sexually guided. And i was fooled thinking that this relationship was as emotional to him like to me. And he only wanted be happy below his waist ...

 

[Dinaa]

What i'm thinking now, is that sex is important for this in a relationship. He has tried to get something sexual with me but as it didn't work he is saying it's better if we stay friends. What do you think guys?
He can have some creepy moves sometimes but he is a good guy after all, well depending on what i'very seen from him until now

 

[Somnambulist]

Does it mean when he said I mean to him a lot , or he likes me , it was sexually guided. And i was fooled thinking that this relationship was as emotional to him like to me. And he only wanted be happy below his waist ...

Now that you ask that, it feels like I might have rushed to judgment about him. You said you guys talked for ten months. Now, if sex was all he wanted, why didn't he ask you about sex sooner and break it off ?

So, maybe I was wrong ... maybe he did also have an emotional investment in you. Of course, I don't know the whole story, so I can't tell how exactly he feels about you.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was a bit of both - emotional and sexual.

 

[Somnambulist]

What i'm thinking now, is that sex is important for this in a relationship. He has tried to get something sexual with me but as it didn't work he is saying it's better if we stay friends. What do you think guys?
He can have some creepy moves sometimes but he is a good guy after all, well depending on what i'very seen from him until now

Yeah, don't lose the friendship. In those 10 months, you clearly found him interesting as a person, and you invested yourself in him.

Just make it clear to him that sex before marriage is not an option for you. Set that clear boundary and make sure he respects it.

Sometimes, guys will say "Ok, I agree. No sex.", with the hope of sex in the future and then try to manipulate you into having sex later in the friendship when they feel they can win you over. Sadly, I have known a lot of guys that do just this type of thing. Just beware.

 

[Dinaa]

Yeah , exactly, if he wanted sex, he wouldn't keep talking to me all these 10 months everyday, saying good morning every morning and wishing me good night every night, getting worried about me when I text so late or when I say I have some problems, he is such a sweet guy. One day he needed new glasses, I texted him when he wants to buy them I can help because he was having trouble finding the right frames. I send him pictures of two glasses , he has already liked some pair at a store. Even he didn't really love the ones i'v sent him, he bought them and wore them while he keeps the ones he liked at the store for work. He has a plant at his place in my name, he always tells me when he waters it, he thinks me

 

[Dinaa]

He has said, sex makes people more close and he would love to be at that level with me because I mean a lot to him . He tried to tells me we can get intimate but not totally like masturbating to each other or so bUT it didn't go further

 

[kamya]

Sounds like that probably was a part of the reason. He wanted to get closer and more intimate sexually. Its just a natural part of a relationship for a lot of people. And a relationship without that just doesnt work for them.

Dont throw him away as a friend. He sounds like a really good guy to me. Of course we only know so much so its hard to judge.

 

[Dinaa]

He is unique , heavenly sweet. I only wish if we could have been together.

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Hello Dinaa and eventhough your not feeling to well i'd like to say happy bithday first!

I don't know enough about either of you and your relationship to give well informed advise or an educated opinion, i'll try anyway though, I'm stubborn like that

You can't change someone elses decision and whatever the thinking behind it, he decided not to string you allong any longer, eventhough this hurst right now it will be a blessing in the long run! I'm not telling you to give up all hope, but you should ajust your expectations a bit, if only to protect yourself from further hurt.

I don't want to get you down any further then you are right now but youhave said so many things that make me think this realy is a one way infatuation, you said you both agree your more then friends, but he never called the two of you a couple.. so to him you never were a couple.

My guess is that he is doing this now so you won't get hurt even more later on, he wants you to move on and be happy.

Don't blame yourself for anything though, you can only be who you are and if others don't like that then that is not your problem, it's theirs! You call this relationship a life light, and we all need some light in our lives to guide us. Pirates used to use a technique called "wrecking" to lead a ship to ground and plunder it, they did this by building fake guide lights.... my point being that you can't be sure if the light your following is guiding you away from danger and hurt or towards it...

I hope you do have a happy birthdayand find the strength to feel good about yourself and who you are,

Mr.L

It's his Birthday not her Birthday...

 

[MisterLonely]

Mr.L

It's his Birthday not her Birthday...

Hmmm... must have read over that.... woopsie

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Mr.L

It's his Birthday not her Birthday...

Hmmm... must have read over that.... woopsie

Yep..he's out celebrating and it's her birthday ..that ain't going to work

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Mr.L

It's his Birthday not her Birthday...

Hmmm... must have read over that.... woopsie

Yep..he's out celebrating and it's her birthday ..that ain't going to work

Still that's fb I gues

 

[Dinaa]

It has been 4 days that we haven't talked like we used to, I really miss him A LOOOOOTT !!!!!!
I hate myself for getting that attached, I hate relationships, I hate my life ....
Sorry guys if it seems like the only thing i'm doing is complaining , but I reallyr feel so bad aND hurt !!

 

[MisterLonely]

It has been 4 days that we haven't talked like we used to, I really miss him A LOOOOOTT !!!!!!
I hate myself for getting that attached, I hate relationships, I hate my life ....
Sorry guys if it seems like the only thing i'm doing is complaining , but I reallyr feel so bad aND hurt !!

Don't worry about it, your allowed to feel bad when something bad happens, don't let it ruin you though! So don't doubt yourself and don't feel sorry for yourself, you've kept true to your nature and that you can be proud of.