IntoTheLife
New member
Hi everyone, I wanted to write about my situation in my intro, since I have nobody to talk to and I feel communicating online is at least better than keeping things inside.
I think my whole life I've been fairly isolated because my parents prevented me from going out the house without supervision. So I was able to have a lot of surface level friendships but they never really got more substantial because I couldn't see my friends outside of school, though generally forming those basic relationships was never hard for me. But as we all left the school system, it quickly became apparent to me that once the common denominator of school was removed, I had very little to talk about with the people I considered my friends and I lost contact with all but two of them. Going into my program, I knew nobody but was hopeful I could form more meaningful relationships without my parents weighing over me. Fast forward a few months to the end of my second semester, and I still only consistently talk to my two old friends over text. And again, I consider myself fairly good in social situations, I guess the issue has been that I never find myself in those situations, too afraid and nervous to approach anybody. As I've lost hope of making any friends and a four month summer break of isolation awaits me, this issue has been bothering me to a level where I'm struggling to just hope that eventually things will get happier for me.
Being around campus brings me so much pain. I know I'm not the only one struggling, but it's hard not to feel that way when what feels like everyone but me is interacting with each other while I watch on the sidelines. But I at least prefer the feeling of accepting and taking in how bad I feel right now, over my previous strategy of trying to ignore it by being chronically online. That's a much worse pain.
I recently started thinking back to a friend I've since lost contact with but who I went on a few trips with back in high school. She was always positive and smiling regardless of what we were doing, and it got me thinking I should try to be positive, that if I'm in a tough place I can make it better through perspective. I read a book recently that said work, people, and perspective were the key factors of happiness, so hey, why not try the third one? Maybe if I can't have someone like her who's there for me, I can become that person. But it's hard to defeat my naturally negative way of looking at things. When I'm pretending to be happy and distract myself with work and other things I can just feel the reality that I'm alone pressing in on me, I can't escape it and I really can't be like her. It's like a nagging feeling that just doesn't go away, even in my happiest moments when I'm listening to music.
If there is anything positive that's come from my period of isolation, it's that that it's completely reset my values and how I look at people. I'm gonna be honest, I was a really moody ******* in my last few years of high school. I got into a really toxic headspace. I had so many "casual" friends that I took them all for granted, I was so driven to get into top universities that I looked down on people who who weren't high achieving in the most conventional sense, and constantly objectified the women around me. Nowadays I really value people a lot more for who they are, as I can only wish the same for myself. Even small interactions that I wouldn't have given any mind to beforehand like when somebody I didn't know mentioned they'd heard a lot of good things about me, give me so much joy. That happened weeks ago and I'm still thinking about it. So maybe I needed this reality check. No, I definitely needed it, I cannot overstate how awful I was. It's also given me time to reconsider my perspective. Instead of constantly comparing myself to others, I'm now more focused on myself, though the friends thing is a comparison that I find hard to ignore.
Anyways thank you to anyone still reading, it really means a lot to me. I know it's my fault that I got here, I'll do my best to get out of here. I just wanted anybody to hear it.
I think my whole life I've been fairly isolated because my parents prevented me from going out the house without supervision. So I was able to have a lot of surface level friendships but they never really got more substantial because I couldn't see my friends outside of school, though generally forming those basic relationships was never hard for me. But as we all left the school system, it quickly became apparent to me that once the common denominator of school was removed, I had very little to talk about with the people I considered my friends and I lost contact with all but two of them. Going into my program, I knew nobody but was hopeful I could form more meaningful relationships without my parents weighing over me. Fast forward a few months to the end of my second semester, and I still only consistently talk to my two old friends over text. And again, I consider myself fairly good in social situations, I guess the issue has been that I never find myself in those situations, too afraid and nervous to approach anybody. As I've lost hope of making any friends and a four month summer break of isolation awaits me, this issue has been bothering me to a level where I'm struggling to just hope that eventually things will get happier for me.
Being around campus brings me so much pain. I know I'm not the only one struggling, but it's hard not to feel that way when what feels like everyone but me is interacting with each other while I watch on the sidelines. But I at least prefer the feeling of accepting and taking in how bad I feel right now, over my previous strategy of trying to ignore it by being chronically online. That's a much worse pain.
I recently started thinking back to a friend I've since lost contact with but who I went on a few trips with back in high school. She was always positive and smiling regardless of what we were doing, and it got me thinking I should try to be positive, that if I'm in a tough place I can make it better through perspective. I read a book recently that said work, people, and perspective were the key factors of happiness, so hey, why not try the third one? Maybe if I can't have someone like her who's there for me, I can become that person. But it's hard to defeat my naturally negative way of looking at things. When I'm pretending to be happy and distract myself with work and other things I can just feel the reality that I'm alone pressing in on me, I can't escape it and I really can't be like her. It's like a nagging feeling that just doesn't go away, even in my happiest moments when I'm listening to music.
If there is anything positive that's come from my period of isolation, it's that that it's completely reset my values and how I look at people. I'm gonna be honest, I was a really moody ******* in my last few years of high school. I got into a really toxic headspace. I had so many "casual" friends that I took them all for granted, I was so driven to get into top universities that I looked down on people who who weren't high achieving in the most conventional sense, and constantly objectified the women around me. Nowadays I really value people a lot more for who they are, as I can only wish the same for myself. Even small interactions that I wouldn't have given any mind to beforehand like when somebody I didn't know mentioned they'd heard a lot of good things about me, give me so much joy. That happened weeks ago and I'm still thinking about it. So maybe I needed this reality check. No, I definitely needed it, I cannot overstate how awful I was. It's also given me time to reconsider my perspective. Instead of constantly comparing myself to others, I'm now more focused on myself, though the friends thing is a comparison that I find hard to ignore.
Anyways thank you to anyone still reading, it really means a lot to me. I know it's my fault that I got here, I'll do my best to get out of here. I just wanted anybody to hear it.
