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I'm a male in my late 30s. Been alone - and I mean really alone - all my life. No friends, no possibility of such. Spent the first 20 years of my life hated by everyone around and every day was a humiliation.

I try to find some happiness, somehow. It only really exists in the small space I make for myself, and the little things I can still do. It took a long time but now I can go outside so long as I remember where I'm allowed to go (unwritten rules about where I'm allowed to show my face, and I know now it's not in my head, it really is that way). Mostly my life is spent online, and I've finally found the niche where I am happy in some way. Found the thing I believe I'm meant to do, for good or ill, with my life. It's not going to be much and it certainly won't be accepted by society, but that doesn't matter at this point. I know what needs to be done and I've been doing it for the past two years. I've largely dropped my other hobbies, only coming back to them occasionally to keep myself from getting too obsessive. Today though I spend a lot of time reading history, philosophy, sociology, and applying what I learned as a computer science type nerd to the idea of analyzing social systems. It's far from a perfect science and I'm quite aware of what I am doing with my current project. There are so many misconceptions people hold about all of these things, and part of what I do is debunk a thought process which I believe to be highly problematic and self-perpetuating. If anyone likes I can write at great length about that, though I am hesitant to just word dump everything. I believe my perspective has something to say about world history, that to my knowledge is a novel take on history, since the people of our group never got to write the history and philosophy books, and there has been an allergic reaction to the idea that our class has any right to speak in the court of the current intellectual establishment. I'm not here to proselytize about my beliefs and theories though, and I'd have to hold back the harder stuff since I write under a different name.

Mostly I'm here to find small things to talk about with people, chime in about random stuff in areas that I have some knowledge. I don't really seek "friendship" any more or attempts to find real life activities. For one, going out places requires money, and for another, I'm single and have no interest in any attachment of a sexual or romantic nature. I've always operated best when I come out occasionally and do my bit. Close human contact over a prolonged period is too exhausting, but it would be nice to be able to have small reminders of humanity, even in a world like this. Thank you all for reading this mini-rant.
 

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