1992Camrysedan
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Hi everyone.
My name is Alex
I live in Fort Collins, Co.
I'm a 23 year old male.
I'm eurasian, 50% european, german/norwegian, and 50% taiwanese.
I've been struggling with loneliness for about 2 years- I mean at least in a form where I realized it's loneliness that bogs me down.
I'd long been diagnosed with OCD, and I spent a lot of my life and adolescence growing up not necessarily fully outcast- but perhaps not fully fitting in? And I used to think that being single was fine, it really didn't bother me, and I withdrew from risperidone which seemed to cause me to look up at this world around me and see people's eyes, which I became oblivious to while medicated. I sometimes research symptoms of lonliness- and while I am relieved that my feelings and actions are somewhat justified and validatable, I still feel awful. And one thing I read is that you can go a long time being lonely and not realize it, yet exhibit symptoms. From an early age, I've been a huge car nut, often obsessively thinking about cars. Never sure why, but it was hard to control my passion. Call me obsessed, materialistic. Well, the nicest cars can't buy you love. I didn't realize for a long time- going to therapists, talking about my car- and that I put so much work and research into it, and that if somebody hated on it and put it down it stung me to the core. The therapists all noticed if they brought up emotional woes like family or relationships, I'd go off on a tangent about cars. I realized- when the therapist thought I feared rejection. He was right. Cars were a non-intimidating void filler, soul less machines that somewhat mimicked being alive, but I knew couldn't judge or hurt me.
I used to be quite overweight, heavy set, and teased. I have spent the last couple years working out very intensively. The excersice and weight lifting helps me feel better about myself, and the endorphins help relieve my antsy anxiety. I started feeling like I was getting attention from girls- in a way I never got before. But, I was still really shy and timid. I was scared, remember? These weren't cars, girls could turn me down, or hurt me. I had so many experiences where girls hinted to me at bars and I froze up nervous, and seemed cold. But this attention came suddenly and I wasn't used to it. My grades in mechanical engineering slipped, I became preoccupied with my looks. I'd constantly film myself on my phone or check my mirror at home. My OCD drove me mad in a wave of convincing myself I was really attractive in a way I never would have foreseen as a nerdy teenager relentlessly teased. Eventually the lonely emotions became too much to handle- in desperation I maybe became too bold and pushy, asking out girls, even leaving a note on their car. And in the end the guilt and remorse leaves me ashamed- as I lay my head down thinking that I'm a creeper, a weirdo, I realize I have creeped out girls. The problems is I went from 0-100 with getting female attention. And suffering from OCD, in combination of being single for 23 years of all my life, it all resulted in me realizing certain actions likely made me seem socially innapropriate. I guess the biggest pain in my heart is that I don't want to hurt others. I drive my ostinacious car through town with the audio blasting because in truth I seek attention- because I'm lonely. I want to know what it's like to have a significant other. As I sit in my luxurious Lexus interior, I see a kind, sweet, beautiful girl in a junker car next to me. She doesn't realize how much I want to get out of my show car, and introduce myself. I think the difficulty is when you know in your heart you don't mean wrong but also realize you've made mistakes. Looking back I can't change anything. I thought spending thousands on my car would blanket the pain. Instead- I just feel further isolated from everyone else. My mind is too pessimistic. Sometimes people do things unintentionally like tailgate me or are admiring my car. But being in so much emotional pain I assume the worst, at times I react, get slight road rage, and return home feeling indescribable amounts of remorse, thinking "I never wanted to hurt anyone who didn't deserve it." Sometimes I simply cry, and just say "I'm just sooo lonely". I hold a teddy bear at night to sleep. Just to make sleep bearable. I'm not suicidal, but I know being lonesome hurts. I turn so many people away, as you can see I rant, racing thoughts, tangents. I don't feel like I have a girlfriend who will listen to me, to have that emotional connection. And at the end of the day, that's why I sometimes blow up, break down, and vent to anyone I can for however long I may. Just to get by. It's hard- sometimes girls call me cute or attractive just as a compliment. my emotions get too attached and in the end they get put-off, even unfriending me. And that hurts. Because it just makes me feel more of an outsider, more unaccepted, more miss-understood. I grew up Eurasian, half white and half Asian. I was insecure as a kid living in a very white city. I stood out from the other kids. Even in Taiwan, they saw me as white. My father used to tell me he thought I'd grow up to resemble Keanu Reeves, and now, he says I do resemble him in Speed. He says this in an attempt to make me feel better about myself. But my OCD struggles- if I get rejected, I am immediately harsh on myself, "you're ugly, creepy, worthless, stupid loser".
I have a mixed relationship with my parents. my taiwanese mom lives across town from my American dad, they divorced when in 2014. My mom was seeing a man behind my dad's back before they officially divorced. I don't get along with my step-dad. He has a short fuse and jumps to conclusions. I want to talk to my mom in private sometimes about matters he wouldn't understand, and he mis-interprets our debates and blows up and kicks me out. My mom has validated that I sure have changed in physical appearance after making a commitment of fitness. And she notes that I look much more "conventionally attractive". Since this is such a new life experience, as I never got hit on by girls before, sometimes they actually teased me, my mind had a hard time grasping all the social details and grey areas of dating. When a girl complimented my looks, my emotions became immediately attatched. I became somewhat obsessed, and it took some pain and experience to learn that if my personality doesn't jive, they loose interest. I've been working hard to convince myself that everybody is different, and if some people find faults in the way they act that doesn't mean how I act is objectively or morally wrong.
I spent part of my childhood raised in Taipei Taiwan. My dad was studying martial arts there when he met my mom, a fashion design student at a private girls college and modeling intern. She had an agency after college but a con-artist came in, took the money and ran. One thing I struggle with is I notice that after my big change physically, people tend to be way more forward with faults in my personality- including my mom. Before people were more inclined to keep certain thoughts to themselves. Now, girls tell me "Your cute, but crazy, and annoying, and talk to much. I don't like you". And I wish people realized how much it hurts to hear my personality faults. I did some research and evidentely there is correlation with becoming more attractive where people tend to be less inclined to see your suffering come through.
Also, being so passionate about Japanese cars and growing up for some time in Taiwan means I was raised on rather collectivist ideals and buddist teachings. So the way I act is sort of reflective of the whole idiom of how japanese companies like Toyota and Subaru operate relative to American companies. In Japan and Taiwan if someone is your friend, and you sense something is wrong and are concerned, it is very very customary and normal to stop by their workplace and leave a note or a small gift. But a few times I did this in America and quickly was lashed against- and that is where I began feeling like a creeper, for reasons of simply wanting to be empathatic and also desiring human intimate relationships. At times, cops seemed suspicious. My loneliness eats at me at home. Sometimes I just grab my car keys and cruise, often rolling through parking lots and just freeing my mind, clearing it out. That style of cruising is also very common in Japan, like the movie Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift. However, the culture here is Individualistic. Seeing a car, especially a big low sedan at night, is very suspicious. As I learn to adapt and assimilate to American ways, it wasn't without it's growing pains. And perhaps it's my cultural difference as a child that has made things difficult- and fitting in harder. Sometimes people can't stand how apologetic I am. Well, that is another japanese custom. Lastly, in Japan and Taiwan, there is a social expectation where you don't trash talk others. Many car people here like talking trash about your cars. Sometimes jokingly. I became rapidly offended because in Asian bullying of that type is very taboo.
If there is one thing I know is that although I may think about my looks, car, girls, etc alot. It doesn't mean I judge others on looks, am materialistic, or a misogynist. One of my battles is learning that you can't satisfy everyone. Like my friend says- not everyone is going to like you, your car, or your personality. Doesn't mean you have to change. My mom often tries to comfort me, but often gives me advice that if anything, only remind me of all my social mistakes, and I sometimes fight with her verbally because I don't want more people enstilling the ideas about the kind of person I am. I want to be kind- I want to come off a gentleman. And I guess if I know one thing is when I do act mean to someone- I feel bad, very bad. and I feel guilt for a long time. I hope that means I do have empathy and good intent.
Thank you for letting me rant, this is a closed group of strangers who I feel could relate and I just need a safe place until I see a therapist again. Take care everyone
My name is Alex
I live in Fort Collins, Co.
I'm a 23 year old male.
I'm eurasian, 50% european, german/norwegian, and 50% taiwanese.
I've been struggling with loneliness for about 2 years- I mean at least in a form where I realized it's loneliness that bogs me down.
I'd long been diagnosed with OCD, and I spent a lot of my life and adolescence growing up not necessarily fully outcast- but perhaps not fully fitting in? And I used to think that being single was fine, it really didn't bother me, and I withdrew from risperidone which seemed to cause me to look up at this world around me and see people's eyes, which I became oblivious to while medicated. I sometimes research symptoms of lonliness- and while I am relieved that my feelings and actions are somewhat justified and validatable, I still feel awful. And one thing I read is that you can go a long time being lonely and not realize it, yet exhibit symptoms. From an early age, I've been a huge car nut, often obsessively thinking about cars. Never sure why, but it was hard to control my passion. Call me obsessed, materialistic. Well, the nicest cars can't buy you love. I didn't realize for a long time- going to therapists, talking about my car- and that I put so much work and research into it, and that if somebody hated on it and put it down it stung me to the core. The therapists all noticed if they brought up emotional woes like family or relationships, I'd go off on a tangent about cars. I realized- when the therapist thought I feared rejection. He was right. Cars were a non-intimidating void filler, soul less machines that somewhat mimicked being alive, but I knew couldn't judge or hurt me.
I used to be quite overweight, heavy set, and teased. I have spent the last couple years working out very intensively. The excersice and weight lifting helps me feel better about myself, and the endorphins help relieve my antsy anxiety. I started feeling like I was getting attention from girls- in a way I never got before. But, I was still really shy and timid. I was scared, remember? These weren't cars, girls could turn me down, or hurt me. I had so many experiences where girls hinted to me at bars and I froze up nervous, and seemed cold. But this attention came suddenly and I wasn't used to it. My grades in mechanical engineering slipped, I became preoccupied with my looks. I'd constantly film myself on my phone or check my mirror at home. My OCD drove me mad in a wave of convincing myself I was really attractive in a way I never would have foreseen as a nerdy teenager relentlessly teased. Eventually the lonely emotions became too much to handle- in desperation I maybe became too bold and pushy, asking out girls, even leaving a note on their car. And in the end the guilt and remorse leaves me ashamed- as I lay my head down thinking that I'm a creeper, a weirdo, I realize I have creeped out girls. The problems is I went from 0-100 with getting female attention. And suffering from OCD, in combination of being single for 23 years of all my life, it all resulted in me realizing certain actions likely made me seem socially innapropriate. I guess the biggest pain in my heart is that I don't want to hurt others. I drive my ostinacious car through town with the audio blasting because in truth I seek attention- because I'm lonely. I want to know what it's like to have a significant other. As I sit in my luxurious Lexus interior, I see a kind, sweet, beautiful girl in a junker car next to me. She doesn't realize how much I want to get out of my show car, and introduce myself. I think the difficulty is when you know in your heart you don't mean wrong but also realize you've made mistakes. Looking back I can't change anything. I thought spending thousands on my car would blanket the pain. Instead- I just feel further isolated from everyone else. My mind is too pessimistic. Sometimes people do things unintentionally like tailgate me or are admiring my car. But being in so much emotional pain I assume the worst, at times I react, get slight road rage, and return home feeling indescribable amounts of remorse, thinking "I never wanted to hurt anyone who didn't deserve it." Sometimes I simply cry, and just say "I'm just sooo lonely". I hold a teddy bear at night to sleep. Just to make sleep bearable. I'm not suicidal, but I know being lonesome hurts. I turn so many people away, as you can see I rant, racing thoughts, tangents. I don't feel like I have a girlfriend who will listen to me, to have that emotional connection. And at the end of the day, that's why I sometimes blow up, break down, and vent to anyone I can for however long I may. Just to get by. It's hard- sometimes girls call me cute or attractive just as a compliment. my emotions get too attached and in the end they get put-off, even unfriending me. And that hurts. Because it just makes me feel more of an outsider, more unaccepted, more miss-understood. I grew up Eurasian, half white and half Asian. I was insecure as a kid living in a very white city. I stood out from the other kids. Even in Taiwan, they saw me as white. My father used to tell me he thought I'd grow up to resemble Keanu Reeves, and now, he says I do resemble him in Speed. He says this in an attempt to make me feel better about myself. But my OCD struggles- if I get rejected, I am immediately harsh on myself, "you're ugly, creepy, worthless, stupid loser".
I have a mixed relationship with my parents. my taiwanese mom lives across town from my American dad, they divorced when in 2014. My mom was seeing a man behind my dad's back before they officially divorced. I don't get along with my step-dad. He has a short fuse and jumps to conclusions. I want to talk to my mom in private sometimes about matters he wouldn't understand, and he mis-interprets our debates and blows up and kicks me out. My mom has validated that I sure have changed in physical appearance after making a commitment of fitness. And she notes that I look much more "conventionally attractive". Since this is such a new life experience, as I never got hit on by girls before, sometimes they actually teased me, my mind had a hard time grasping all the social details and grey areas of dating. When a girl complimented my looks, my emotions became immediately attatched. I became somewhat obsessed, and it took some pain and experience to learn that if my personality doesn't jive, they loose interest. I've been working hard to convince myself that everybody is different, and if some people find faults in the way they act that doesn't mean how I act is objectively or morally wrong.
I spent part of my childhood raised in Taipei Taiwan. My dad was studying martial arts there when he met my mom, a fashion design student at a private girls college and modeling intern. She had an agency after college but a con-artist came in, took the money and ran. One thing I struggle with is I notice that after my big change physically, people tend to be way more forward with faults in my personality- including my mom. Before people were more inclined to keep certain thoughts to themselves. Now, girls tell me "Your cute, but crazy, and annoying, and talk to much. I don't like you". And I wish people realized how much it hurts to hear my personality faults. I did some research and evidentely there is correlation with becoming more attractive where people tend to be less inclined to see your suffering come through.
Also, being so passionate about Japanese cars and growing up for some time in Taiwan means I was raised on rather collectivist ideals and buddist teachings. So the way I act is sort of reflective of the whole idiom of how japanese companies like Toyota and Subaru operate relative to American companies. In Japan and Taiwan if someone is your friend, and you sense something is wrong and are concerned, it is very very customary and normal to stop by their workplace and leave a note or a small gift. But a few times I did this in America and quickly was lashed against- and that is where I began feeling like a creeper, for reasons of simply wanting to be empathatic and also desiring human intimate relationships. At times, cops seemed suspicious. My loneliness eats at me at home. Sometimes I just grab my car keys and cruise, often rolling through parking lots and just freeing my mind, clearing it out. That style of cruising is also very common in Japan, like the movie Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift. However, the culture here is Individualistic. Seeing a car, especially a big low sedan at night, is very suspicious. As I learn to adapt and assimilate to American ways, it wasn't without it's growing pains. And perhaps it's my cultural difference as a child that has made things difficult- and fitting in harder. Sometimes people can't stand how apologetic I am. Well, that is another japanese custom. Lastly, in Japan and Taiwan, there is a social expectation where you don't trash talk others. Many car people here like talking trash about your cars. Sometimes jokingly. I became rapidly offended because in Asian bullying of that type is very taboo.
If there is one thing I know is that although I may think about my looks, car, girls, etc alot. It doesn't mean I judge others on looks, am materialistic, or a misogynist. One of my battles is learning that you can't satisfy everyone. Like my friend says- not everyone is going to like you, your car, or your personality. Doesn't mean you have to change. My mom often tries to comfort me, but often gives me advice that if anything, only remind me of all my social mistakes, and I sometimes fight with her verbally because I don't want more people enstilling the ideas about the kind of person I am. I want to be kind- I want to come off a gentleman. And I guess if I know one thing is when I do act mean to someone- I feel bad, very bad. and I feel guilt for a long time. I hope that means I do have empathy and good intent.
Thank you for letting me rant, this is a closed group of strangers who I feel could relate and I just need a safe place until I see a therapist again. Take care everyone
