Hi Everyone

[rjisbyhimself]

First post:

I will be brief because I tend to get very long-winded with things. First time here. I have read a few entries on this forum and I can relate to a decent amount of what others are going through. I am 47 and at times I do not have any idea what is what and I will never hold any answers as to what the true purpose of it all is. I do know that there are many things that do not compute and I will always be left with questions and scratching my head.

Growing up through childhood was miserable for me but I tried making the best out of it. When you only have yourself, you have to find things to do to keep yourself busy. I didn’t really have any friends until later on as a teen. I didn’t do what other kids and teens did, didn’t go to as many functions as they did, in and out of school. One exception being that I did go to my prom, almost didn’t. I was talked into going. I really didn’t want to go. Funny thing is that I ended up being one of the Kings of the Court at the prom. One of five Kings. I was sort of surprised about that that I nearly spilled my plate of spaghetti and meatballs on my dress pants that evening.

Life has been a struggle for me with more downs than ups. I almost made it to where I wanted to be in life, a handful of times, and then things would get crushed. The last two years was the final nail, I guess one could say. Lost a great deal, everyone lost a great deal. Also lost almost whatever friends I did have. Just recently I was accused of saying something about someone that I didn’t say. Things seem to really be coming down on me these days.

I am slowly trying to restart life back up again but my confidence has shrunken a great deal. When I go outside; whether it is to a store, cafe or anywhere there is people, I can’t help but feel very alone within a crowd. Where I live it is difficult to be social with people, unless they want to bum a smoke or money off from you or if you do not adhere to some sort of narrative(s). I quit smoking almost 10 years ago, I am poor and I am not into narratives, lol. After these last two years, the social aspect has gotten much worse. I see people who are unhappy and some try to appear as if they are not unhappy, a lot of virtue signalling and bypassment (people ignoring). I sometimes have a funny way with my own wordings.

I am slowly starting to get more of an idea that maybe things would be a lot better if I just distanced myself away from people and pay more focus with myself. I am realizing that being by myself is the safest bet. Not only because of the attitudes out there but also because of how my life is, how it ended up. I would be questioned and judged on certain things. I’m not worried much about that stuff but I don’t want to put myself into situations, in the first place, where those things could happen to me by just “being myself” and then being disregarded in some form because of who I am, what I do or what I don’t do. If keeping to myself means being hurt less then I will take that.

On the flip-side: by spacing myself away from people that will create a further feeling of fear that comes with the isolation, which I am no stranger to. The fear covers both reconnecting with people and also just simply going out to places and just doing regular, every day, things., anxiety and dread. If there is a good side to something you can be sure of there being a negative to go with it. The negative part can be unsettling for me, at times. This is where self-rationalization of the benefits of keeping to myself comes into play. Even then it can become a game of tug of war.

I have spent a good deal of my time helping others and receiving little in return when it became important for me when help was needed. Now I feel it is my time to treat myself right and leave the rest of the public to their own.

That’s really it. The non-long-winded version of it, lol.

 

[Finished]

Welcome to the site!

What you said is becoming common place for a lot of single people. Years ago I found it MUCH easier and less stressful to just consider myself to be alone forever. It's also a HUGE money saver. I no longer worry about what other think about me. I have found that if I look on the poor side people tend to avoid me. So, that's the look I go for. Ha! Ha! I do smile at the Walmart greeter and say hello though. I like that they smile and say hello back to me. I can pretend that they are my friend, atleast, temporarily.

Enjoy the site. There is a games section that can be fun. You may want to try it out.

 

[rjisbyhimself]

Definitely agree. Saving money is always a good thing. If my eyes do get bigger than my stomach then more food for me, lol.

In 2013 I was in a relationship and it didn't work out. Lasted about two years. She liked cupcakes. I would celebrate the anniversary with two cupcakes. The last few years after the break up I would get two cupcakes on the anniversary day and have them all for myself, lol. I stopped doing that in 2017.

My clothes are both plain and out of style and somewhat shoddy. I think I am heading on the right path, lol.

It is nice when people can return a hello and a smile. It is a nice change even thought it is for a brief time.

I'll give the games section a look-through. Thanks, Finished.

 

[Mr Doubtfire]

On the flip-side: by spacing myself away from people that will create a further feeling of fear that comes with the isolation, which I am no stranger to. The fear covers both reconnecting with people and also just simply going out to places and just doing regular, every day, things., anxiety and dread. If there is a good side to something you can be sure of there being a negative to go with it. The negative part can be unsettling for me, at times. This is where self-rationalization of the benefits of keeping to myself comes into play. Even then it can become a game of tug of war.

That's the same with me.When I isolate myself and don't go out then when I have to it's an effort.
The worst is shopping…so many times I have cancelled a shopping trip because I just don't want to do it.
Work also I can be so negative and dreading of it.

 

[Sir Joseph]

I think most of us on this website are single and/or lonely. And while some posts claim eventual success at being anti-social, I don't believe it's the genuine preference or right solution.

I maintain that we were created for a purpose in life - to love God and to learn how to love others. The first you can do on your own, but the second requires engagement with other people. This may be easy for those who have good families or positive work environments, but there's sure a lot of us without that.

Rjisbyhimself, I understand very well what it's like to be and feel alone in life, but I'd encourage you not to settle for keeping it that way. You can go ahead and work on yourself and your confidence, but don't give up on people and relationships. Our relationships are the only thing we take with us when we go; the only thing that lasts.

When I go out each day I look for opportunities to show kindness to others - as in, I want to give something today, not just be a taker. In the process, I may or may not get a positive response, but either way I achieve my goal - of learning how to love others. This usually starts with making eye contact, and if that's achieved, I lead with a nod, smile or hi there. If it's a gym, waiting room, elevator, or other setting conducive to chat, I break the ice by asking a question. In most cases, I get a positive response, and if I see the same person again due to a daily or weekly routine, I add to the chat level each time. Such casual encounters have become the source of my worldwide network of friends - accomplished only by my own commitment and assertiveness to pursue every relationship possible.

Life isn't fair that some of us have to give a lot more than we get in relationships or just work so hard at it. But, I'd suggest that if we live our lives being determined givers and less concerned about receiving, we'll not only grow our characters and become stronger, better people, but we'll inherit more relationship encounters and potential friendships along the way.

 

[rjisbyhimself]

That's the same with me.When I isolate myself and don't go out then when I have to it's an effort.
The worst is shopping…so many times I have cancelled a shopping trip because I just don't want to do it.
Work also I can be so negative and dreading of it.

Yes, even the little things become too much of a burden. Finding the motivation and not being held back are struggles. Being held back is the thing that gets to me.

 

[user 181147]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[rjisbyhimself]

I think most of us on this website are single and/or lonely. And while some posts claim eventual success at being anti-social, I don't believe it's the genuine preference or right solution.

I maintain that we were created for a purpose in life - to love God and to learn how to love others. The first you can do on your own, but the second requires engagement with other people. This may be easy for those who have good families or positive work environments, but there's sure a lot of us without that.

Rjisbyhimself, I understand very well what it's like to be and feel alone in life, but I'd encourage you not to settle for keeping it that way. You can go ahead and work on yourself and your confidence, but don't give up on people and relationships. Our relationships are the only thing we take with us when we go; the only thing that lasts.

When I go out each day I look for opportunities to show kindness to others - as in, I want to give something today, not just be a taker. In the process, I may or may not get a positive response, but either way I achieve my goal - of learning how to love others. This usually starts with making eye contact, and if that's achieved, I lead with a nod, smile or hi there. If it's a gym, waiting room, elevator, or other setting conducive to chat, I break the ice by asking a question. In most cases, I get a positive response, and if I see the same person again due to a daily or weekly routine, I add to the chat level each time. Such casual encounters have become the source of my worldwide network of friends - accomplished only by my own commitment and assertiveness to pursue every relationship possible.

Life isn't fair that some of us have to give a lot more than we get in relationships or just work so hard at it. But, I'd suggest that if we live our lives being determined givers and less concerned about receiving, we'll not only grow our characters and become stronger, better people, but we'll inherit more relationship encounters and potential friendships along the way.

I do agree with you and this would be the go-to thing for me for approaching the matter and this is actually how I did go about life, some time ago until I realized that I needed to be very cautious as to how kind I am and to whom I am kind to. I have had my share of experiences.

What I am about to say will not apply everywhere. It does apply where I am at so I can only speak of where I am and my own situation. I will do my best not to be long-winded but I will not be able to guarantee this.

It's one thing to be kind to others but first you need to know the "how" and "who" to apply those well meaning actions to and to do so without offending anybody. Being nice, cordial and respectful isn't interpreted the same way as what it used to be and it isn't enough because of that off-chance of someone saying that you said or did something wrong, or at worst some kind of harassment claim which is ludicrous. One time a lady called the cops on someone because a guy said hello to her and he gave a look that was deemed threatening but he meant no harm at all. The cops get these kind of related call-ins once in a great while and they basically get dropped because it is ridiculous and a waste of time.

Again:I can only speak from where I live and it will be different elsewhere. Depending where you are and what the mindsets are, you have to be careful because even looking at certain people the wrong way can get you into trouble. My town is actually hurting in many ways but that would be another topic for another day and it would make sense on how and why many of the people are the way they are.

To give two more examples: Back in 2017, I opened the door for a lady and she got very offended about that and told me that because of who she was, that was the reason why I opened the door for her. She basically played the race card on me. I was disgusted to say the very least and I bit my tongue. I used to hold doors open for people who were in back of me or just to be nice. I stopped doing this action after that incident. One other example was at a Dunkin while waiting in line with a friend for coffee. My friend complimented a lady who had a really cool tattoo on her arm and she blasted him. "How dare you say that to me!" Well, in that case maybe she should not have had the tattoo on display for all to see, so that no one would compliment on it.

There are going to be nice people and there are going to be not so nice people in this life. The problem is you aren't going to know who is who until after the fact. If you run in to the wrong person or group of people, you can get burned badly. The times and people are much different now. In this post covid era, things are socially worse. There are people who will steer away from you and not walk on the same sidewalk as you. They will instead go out into the road and almost getting clipped by a vehicle just because you aren't distanced enough from them or not wearing a mask. This steering away even applies to sitting at tables in a cafe. My town has not entirely let the protocols go. Many here are afraid and miserable more than they were two years ago. I lost almost all of the friends I had because the covid stuff, my standing on it. It used to hurt me but if people want to disband from me because of it then I will have to let them go and accept the loses. Some of these were friends as far back as Kindergarten. We are talking 1979 here.

I wish things were like they were when I was growing up. People were much nicer and more respectful to one another; view-wise and status-wise. You could disagree and even have a fist fight and still make up afterwards and things would be friendly, again. If someone wasn't accepting then for the most part people would keep it to themselves and not be disrespectful about it. It is opposite of all of these things that have turned me off and makes me question reality.

Right now, how I go about things are not to talk unless I am spoken to and if someone says hello then I will return the greeting. Short and sweet.Those who know me more will get priority. Those who don't know me well or don't know me at all won't be ignored but I will hold onto caution while providing whatever help may be needed. The situation is what I would call "uncertain communicational outcome."

I will say again that I do agree with your method and with what you are saying, Sir Joseph. I am just not sure how to go about it without getting broken or burnt in some form by not doing something right in someone else's eyes or by what I am doing to be not necessary for them to begin with and then they get upset. In either case get offended. The results can be mild or aggressive on their part, depends.

Yep, this did get long-winded. Told you so, lol. That can be the norm for me.

 

[rjisbyhimself]

Welcome to the forum.

Thanks, Scarlet

 

[Mr Doubtfire]

I wish things were like they were when I was growing up. People were much nicer and more respectful to one another; view-wise and status-wise. You could disagree and even have a fist fight and still make up afterwards and things would be friendly, again. If someone wasn't accepting then for the most part people would keep it to themselves and not be disrespectful about it. It is opposite of all of these things that have turned me off and makes me question reality.

Right now, how I go about things are not to talk unless I am spoken to and if someone says hello then I will return the greeting. Short and sweet.Those who know me more will get priority. Those who don't know me well or don't know me at all won't be ignored but I will hold onto caution while providing whatever help may be needed. The situation is what I would call "uncertain communicational outcome."

Yup things were different.I really think things have changed, and probably the internet has something to do with this.
Pre-1996 was fine (I first got onto the internet in Aug 1996) and had used bulletin boards from about 1993.
Probably say after 2000 it has gone downhill.
Changed at work also some people I see every day don't talk to me, it just seems like a strange sort of arrogance with some of them.So I don't bother.I've been at my current workplace for just over 32 years.

 

[StarDust]

Hello 'RJisbyhimself'
Welcome to our little world here. Nice intro. You express/write well.

Life has been a struggle for me with more downs than ups. I almost made it to where I wanted to be in life, a handful of times, and then things would get crushed. The last two years was the final nail, I guess one could say. Lost a great deal, everyone lost a great deal. Also lost almost whatever friends I did have. Just recently I was accused of saying something about someone that I didn’t say. Things seem to really be coming down on me these days.

Things you say, things you do not say. Often people can have expectations on how we are to behave. I can articulate to that type of accusation - in the reverse - as it is often about what I didn't say. Because I don't express myself enough to others (which I feel is simply a matter of discretion) I can be accused of being distrustful, uppity, no manners etc... all simply because I did not 'tell-all' or say the right thing at the right time. I know who I am in my heart and I know what my true sentiments are - that is what I stay focused on. If someone misinterpreted me, that is their own problem. I would tell a person only once (i.e. this is my true feelings or this is what I said/meant). End of discussion.

I am slowly trying to restart life back up again but my confidence has shrunken a great deal. When I go outside; whether it is to a store, cafe or anywhere there is people, I can’t help but feel very alone within a crowd. Where I live it is difficult to be social with people, unless they want to bum a smoke or money off from you or if you do not adhere to some sort of narrative(s). I quit smoking almost 10 years ago, I am poor and I am not into narratives, lol.

I too quit smoking about 10 years ago. No matter where I was, there was always a little smoking social circle. Be it at work or social gathering, I was there with the group hiding on the corner having that smoke with the others. I missed that the most about smoking - the connection with other smokers.

I am slowly starting to get more of an idea that maybe things would be a lot better if I just distanced myself away from people and pay more focus with myself. I am realizing that being by myself is the safest bet. Not only because of the attitudes out there but also because of how my life is, how it ended up. I would be questioned and judged on certain things. I’m not worried much about that stuff but I don’t want to put myself into situations, in the first place, where those things could happen to me by just “being myself” and then being disregarded in some form because of who I am, what I do or what I don’t do. If keeping to myself means being hurt less then I will take that.

On the flip-side: by spacing myself away from people that will create a further feeling of fear that comes with the isolation, which I am no stranger to. The fear covers both reconnecting with people and also just simply going out to places and just doing regular, every day, things., anxiety and dread. If there is a good side to something you can be sure of there being a negative to go with it. The negative part can be unsettling for me, at times. This is where self-rationalization of the benefits of keeping to myself comes into play. Even then it can become a game of tug of war.

I have spent a good deal of my time helping others and receiving little in return when it became important for me when help was needed. Now I feel it is my time to treat myself right and leave the rest of the public to their own.

From my own experience, when I isolate for long periods, it becomes like a big hole I need to climb out of.... it gets harder the longer I am away from civilization. I quickly lose what ever social skills I do have. I think the key (for me) is about establishing a solid foundation on who I am and learning to set boundaries with others. I make a habit to get out there once in while and show my face - sometime you come across some really great people and glad you had that opportunity to cross paths with them.

Anyhoot, me think this is the longest I wrote for quite some time.... I will return to my quite corner.

 

[rjisbyhimself]

Hello 'RJisbyhimself'
Welcome to our little world here. Nice intro. You express/write well.


Things you say, things you do not say. Often people can have expectations on how we are to behave. I can articulate to that type of accusation - in the reverse - as it is often about what I didn't say. Because I don't express myself enough to others (which I feel is simply a matter of discretion) I can be accused of being distrustful, uppity, no manners etc... all simply because I did not 'tell-all' or say the right thing at the right time. I know who I am in my heart and I know what my true sentiments are - that is what I stay focused on. If someone misinterpreted me, that is their own problem. I would tell a person only once (i.e. this is my true feelings or this is what I said/meant). End of discussion.



I too quit smoking about 10 years ago. No matter where I was, there was always a little smoking social circle. Be it at work or social gathering, I was there with the group hiding on the corner having that smoke with the others. I missed that the most about smoking - the connection with other smokers.



From my own experience, when I isolate for long periods, it becomes like a big hole I need to climb out of.... it gets harder the longer I am away from civilization. I quickly lose what ever social skills I do have. I think the key (for me) is about establishing a solid foundation on who I am and learning to set boundaries with others. I make a habit to get out there once in while and show my face - sometime you come across some really great people and glad you had that opportunity to cross paths with them.

Anyhoot, me think this is the longest I wrote for quite some time.... I will return to my quite corner.

Thanks, StarDust

I know those times with thinking that I might have left something important out that should have been said, by taking the short and sweet route. I like short and sweet. Now I wish that I could do this with my writings and postings, HA!

Congratulations on your 10 years. My 10th anniversary will be on the 27th of this month.

Once in a while and very briefly someone comes along and changes your outlook on things. Good when that happens. It would be better if that good feeling would last a longer time. For me that good feeling fades away quickly.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to ALL

 

[rjisbyhimself]

Welcome to ALL

Thanks, Callie.

 

[Sir Joseph]

Rjisbyhimself, I enjoyed your long response and can appreciate, understand, and relate entirely to it.

I too have received a few negative responses for my uninvited, friendly outreach efforts, and that's enough to curb any future assertiveness with strangers. My last one while sitting at a bar in the Philippines was asking a harmless "So, where are you from?" question from the single guy sitting next to me. He slammed his fist down and started yelling profanities at me, then stormed out cursing the whole way about ******* people not minding their own business. That bothered me for days and I sure kept away from him when I saw him many times after that. However, I recognized that he's the rare exception.

Personally, I've found less than 1 in 10 people that ignore a kind smile, word, or gesture when done in a practical environment, and less than 1 in 100 that respond negatively. Perhaps the failure rate is higher in your area or in your experience. Still, I'm confident that the positives far outweigh the negatives. It comes down then to whether the risk warrants the effort.

I agree that today's depraved, messed up culture has changed the game for the worse in showing respect, kindness, or interest in others. It's certainly easier and safer to play defense and stick to oneself unless approached by another. I'd maintain though that we're not put here in this life to do that. So what to do with a purpose that current society discourages?

Do what you want, but I'd suggest that God's Spirit living within us is intended to be a light to others. As a Christian, I'm called to do this - serving God by loving people. No doubt, that entails risk of rejection, but I think the rewards outweigh the risks for anyone, believer or not. It simply makes us feel good inside if we brighten someone else's day even for a moment. And in the end, most of us here want and need new friends, and that, like finding a mate, is highly affected by statistical odds. I'm more likely to acquire one if I speak to 100 people a year than 10. And the other 1000 that I just smiled at? I'm sure several of them were in despair over something at the time, and my notice of them might just have saved their day or their lives.

 

[Jessica Jones]

First post:

I will be brief because I tend to get very long-winded with things. First time here. I have read a few entries on this forum and I can relate to a decent amount of what others are going through. I am 47 and at times I do not have any idea what is what and I will never hold any answers as to what the true purpose of it all is. I do know that there are many things that do not compute and I will always be left with questions and scratching my head.

Growing up through childhood was miserable for me but I tried making the best out of it. When you only have yourself, you have to find things to do to keep yourself busy. I didn’t really have any friends until later on as a teen. I didn’t do what other kids and teens did, didn’t go to as many functions as they did, in and out of school. One exception being that I did go to my prom, almost didn’t. I was talked into going. I really didn’t want to go. Funny thing is that I ended up being one of the Kings of the Court at the prom. One of five Kings. I was sort of surprised about that that I nearly spilled my plate of spaghetti and meatballs on my dress pants that evening.

Life has been a struggle for me with more downs than ups. I almost made it to where I wanted to be in life, a handful of times, and then things would get crushed. The last two years was the final nail, I guess one could say. Lost a great deal, everyone lost a great deal. Also lost almost whatever friends I did have. Just recently I was accused of saying something about someone that I didn’t say. Things seem to really be coming down on me these days.

I am slowly trying to restart life back up again but my confidence has shrunken a great deal. When I go outside; whether it is to a store, cafe or anywhere there is people, I can’t help but feel very alone within a crowd. Where I live it is difficult to be social with people, unless they want to bum a smoke or money off from you or if you do not adhere to some sort of narrative(s). I quit smoking almost 10 years ago, I am poor and I am not into narratives, lol. After these last two years, the social aspect has gotten much worse. I see people who are unhappy and some try to appear as if they are not unhappy, a lot of virtue signalling and bypassment (people ignoring). I sometimes have a funny way with my own wordings.

I am slowly starting to get more of an idea that maybe things would be a lot better if I just distanced myself away from people and pay more focus with myself. I am realizing that being by myself is the safest bet. Not only because of the attitudes out there but also because of how my life is, how it ended up. I would be questioned and judged on certain things. I’m not worried much about that stuff but I don’t want to put myself into situations, in the first place, where those things could happen to me by just “being myself” and then being disregarded in some form because of who I am, what I do or what I don’t do. If keeping to myself means being hurt less then I will take that.

On the flip-side: by spacing myself away from people that will create a further feeling of fear that comes with the isolation, which I am no stranger to. The fear covers both reconnecting with people and also just simply going out to places and just doing regular, every day, things., anxiety and dread. If there is a good side to something you can be sure of there being a negative to go with it. The negative part can be unsettling for me, at times. This is where self-rationalization of the benefits of keeping to myself comes into play. Even then it can become a game of tug of war.

I have spent a good deal of my time helping others and receiving little in return when it became important for me when help was needed. Now I feel it is my time to treat myself right and leave the rest of the public to their own.

That’s really it. The non-long-winded version of it, lol.

Hey there,

you and I seem some what alike as far as the isolation, loner status.

I rarely had friends at school, and if I did it was one best friend. Everyone else tended to find their clique so to speak and I was always the odd one out.
I was the odd one out at home too. My Dad left when I was a baby and Mom never wanted me. I sort-of unofficially got adopted by my grandparents. My grandmother did what she could, but she passed away 35 years ago. So at first I was so lost. And I couldn't imagine a man ever wanting me because I was rejected/grew up without my own father. I've pretty much wandered/been a wild child ever since and I still am.

I got a promotion with God I didn't expect, though which my family further persecuted me over or felt reason to distance themselves from me because of.
But I don't want to talk about it here. But it all makes sense now.....why I was different from others....even my own family.

I suffered much abuse from the family and the crowd....or the peers and yes, distancing from people helps a lot. I fear myself ....what I will do if someone angers me.....which they do. I spent some time (4-5 years) on the street, but not into drugs except the ones some people call "medication". This is a very abusive generation. I've never lived before in an America where everyone was calling each other pscyo., even the people believing it. We just didn't talk that way to each other in the 80's or 90's. I never met an actual skitzophrenic person back then. It's become quite popular to call each other this....it's more like an epidemic.

So the poor homeless crowd I have to distance myself from now because they are rude to say the least. In fact....when I get pushed over the edge (and sometimes they offer no respect) I react and get angry and even get some death threats. And I have to give up even having my beau over or see him start dating someone else because the other guys get jealous enough to get some death threats; therefore, I distance myself. I just see him when I can and we have a spot where we see each other but we have to play it cool .

Isolation is difficult. I try to have two hours alone with God every morning....singing songs, reading from the Bible. If I didn't have him I probably would have given up on myself, be on so much meds, or be gone by now. Hes all that I have really. Churches can be judgemental and they can have the rudest things to say to you. I go there to correct them a lot of times. I can do that now that I've got more gray than most people. I'm a senior now. They listen to me most of the time.