Hope was a curse...

[frey12]

All throughout my teen years I hoped for college, granted I was diagnosed as clinically depressed before my teens. But that is what I hoped for because I was told college changed things. Though the things that changed had never affected me in the first place. And college changed nothing. It felt sort of like how learning Santa Claus was a lie. However today I am hopeless and I am happy with that. I still wonder what the hell the point is. I came here originally because i was depressed again and was closer and closer to speeding things up. Which I feel is an appropriate way of saying something without saying something. As of now I survive, and realize logically theirs no reason to end my life because it is inevitable(i love that word).
And is any of this worth it I ask myself every morning. I feel like I am alive merely to watch things get worse or better and hopefully see something worth while appear. I have been in and out of therapy since I was a child. And they always told me I had to change my way of thinking, that it was negative. However I find that I hate myself less and less. But my beliefs that I made for myself I hold onto them with so much pride. And until I lost my hope I didn't have any thing, I merely had a dream that I didn't work for because it was made to seem like it was given to me. Another lie, my only hope for the future is that i do not live to long but long enough.

 

[Unacceptance]

You have to make the experience, not let it make you.

 

[Chris 2]

You have to make the experience, not let it make you.

Don't listen to Unacceptance, he too high today Anyway just kidding with you there Uni.

Ever been on the border between life and death, heaven and hell? Ya that where I am at now. Every day is a step closer to whatever await on the other side.

 

[InDespair]

I think we can become resigned to almost anything, even feeling terrible. Maybe you've become comfortable with negative thinking. It's hard to get out of that rut, when it's been a place of solace for so long. I'm learning to get out of mine, because I no longer want to be in the dark abyss. You have to "want" things to change and then do it.

 

[bish33]

I have to agree with InDespair. You not only have to "want" them to change. You have to make them.

frey12 one question: What do you mean there is no Santa Claus?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I been working on positive thinking for the past couple of weeks.
I feel the changes already. I googled instructions...they're simple
to follow...no magic trick to it. It works if you work it.
Or it's only through applications that they work.

I also read plenty of articles in the inner critical vioce or negative
vioce. I followed those instructions.

I've done it before so..it's not as hard
It just takes practice...just like practicing playing my guitar.
The same principle applies when playing my guitar...
Use it or loose it...In other words knowlege is not enough,
I must put things into ACTIONS.

My attitude changes...my perceptions and outlook on life changed.

I've also been in therapy from the many truama, abuse or whatever
the hell I lived through. I'm damnaged goods i suppose.

I follow this simple and corny instructions.
I look at myself in the mirror everyday and tell myself " I love you"
If that what it takes...then that's what it takes.

yes..I've lost hope many, many times before, but there's
something inside of me...perhapse there's a dream I had as a child.
I'm not sure why I'm still alive today...maybe it's as simple as
following my dreams and making it happen...just for kicks..
Just to know...I can, inspite of all the set backs and insanities
in my life. I deserve it. I deserve to be happy inspite of all the
honeysuckle.

Yeah, just like beliving in santa cluse.
I belived in a crap loads of lies in my life that's suppose to be grown up, adult and make sense...that's messed up too.
And there's going to be endless surplies of sons of bitches that'll say "U can't" too. I'm ignoring those ass-wipes today.
I might as will have a childish belief in the fucken easter bunny if it makes me happy, gives me hope and get me moving
forward and do something about my life and for me.