It's so confusing to me.
Growing up, I was taught "it's what's on the inside that counts".
I was taught to value personality over looks. That was the message I got at home and from society. Or at least that's what I thought.
I thought we were supposed to value someone's character, and the way they made us feel, over superficial things like what they look like, how much money and popularity/status they have (social status is to adults, what "popularity" was to kids/teens), what they are good at, what they can do for us, and things like that.
I also thought confidence was just, something you could decide. Just feeling good about yourself and who you are. Now it turns out, it's the result of knowing that you're strong at something. And no strength = no confidence.
Now I feel like I was psych'ed out. Now it's like, I feel like I was supposed to have worked on all that stuff I thought was taught was superficial/shallow, external, and immature, this whole time. There are a few things I like, and I'm friendly, but I have never really been impressive. And it turns out being impressive is what it's all about.
I just don't know if I can, because I don't know if I can do it if I'm not even a little bit good at it naturally in the first place, and also, I have a VERY late start.
The thing is I'm only interested in life, if I can have a good one. I'm not interested in accepting a sh*tty life. I'm not interested in giving up on relationships and resigning myself to singledom. I'm not interested in diverting my desire for a romantic relationship, towards something like TV/movies/music/video games, alcohol, weed, or even heroin. But I need to catch up on DECADES of self-development. And that's if I'm even genetically capable of it at all.
And I just don't know. I never felt like it before. But all I want to do is escape, or stop existing. I don't want to go on like this.