How to tell a friend to talk less politely?

[Beth Griggs]

It's funny a trip this New Years reminded me of this thread so as its'Good to talk' from a famous BT advert I thought I'd bring it up here.Anyway I'm not as bad as I said earlier I do listen and have as I got older learnt it works better in a conversation,better than waiting on every opportunity to get my two penneth in and not really listening to what the other person is saying.I think back then my friend at that time was the only person I trusted outside family so had plenty to talk to him about.

Anyway went visiting to one of my wife's best friends.She had been saying it would be great to see me again which I thought great that is not said that often so I started nagging the wife about visiting because last time I saw her was for only five minutes the only time I had really seen her before and she was really nice.So we sit down after she stopped running around offering all sorts of things like cake,a meal ,booze ,tea,even a bit of porcelain she had which I remarked looked really nice.
First thing she said after all the preliminaries was I'm a bit chatty and that was it a full hour of non stop verbal without air as you said in your thread OP It was just so amazing i thought jesus i cant even get in with more than wow i love that pot plant you got there the variegated leaves are so......'look I got this one too re poted in a bigger pot' and that was that she was off again lol.My wife tried also to interject but was just constantly interrupted with stuff about her own goings on from her friend I just gave up and just sat and thought oh well just sit and scoff the cake cant get anything in so what's the point lol.Even when my eyes wondered she'd lock on as though look mate I'm talking here lol don't stop listening which I thought was hilarious. Anyway off she went to get something from indoors and I quickly said wifey ..is she always like this lol and she laughed yes but shes my babe...I know she loves her known her alot of years but i thought i would like to have talked about anything it was just so weird.I thought of going off on one about a subject for a long time with alot of deep stuff in but thought better not,I'm not great at it anyway.

So I'm not really qualified to give a solution because after that conversation I wouldn't have a clue how to change someone like that

If you don;t like someone don;t be their friend and socialise with them. If you do like them accept them as they are. You say that she demands you go to the park and it has to be her way or no way. Don't be such a pussy. Stand up for yourself. Say no.

 

[Azariah]

This thread reminds me of a talkative friend I have. I laugh thinking of him as a meditating buddhist monk

 

[TheSkaFish]

I have similar situation with a friend of mine. Ever so often this friend will come by my house randomly, without being invited and without me telling him I'm available, and all but demand that I drop everything I'm doing and make myself free to hang out for hours on end. I've tried making it clear that I'm staying here, thinking it will send the message that I'm only willing to give him a short chat, but even if we stay here and talk, he will just ramble for hours. So I've started cutting him off. I feel a little bit bad about it, but I also feel like clearly I have to set boundaries and enforce them because I can't count on him to regulate himself. He seems to think that because I'm not working, it automatically means "I have nothing going on". I'm like, no it doesn't. I have other around-the-house things I need to do. I have my life to figure out. I need time to myself to think, so I can figure out how to change the course of my life, what changes to make and how I'm going to do it, cause I haven't been happy with the way things tend to go for me, and I want to change it. If I find that I'm stuck in a shitty life, in a job I hate, boring, and single, my friend isn't going to ride to the rescue and fix everything for me. He isn't going to get me a decent job, or a girlfriend, or make me an interesting person or make me good at anything. It's going to be my problem, and my problem alone. So I've been getting less patient with these visits, because I feel like he's being really disrespectful of me and my time - especially when I decline to hang out, yet he insists on twisting my arm about it, and haranguing me about "needing to get out of the house" and "needing to stop living in fear" when I'm like, that's not the issue, the issue is I have things I have to do, I have things to think about, and I can't do them or think about them if I'm hanging out all day. I have to make time to deal with my life. Sorry that I can't make hanging out a priority right now, but I'm not happy with my life and I'm not going to take hours out of my day to inconvenience myself just because you're bored. Sometimes I almost want to snap and say "dude, find something to do!"

Also there's been a few times where I have gone out with this friend, and stayed out way later than I meant to, and there were consequences for me - my dinner got eaten, I got home too late to shower and had to go to bed dirty, I didn't get enough sleep, I got tendonitis, I got caught in a thunderstorm that I knew better than to go out in but my friend randomly came over and insisted we go for a run in it anyway, or I didn't get to do what I intended to do that day because hanging out took up all my time. That's the thing, my friend doesn't seem to have to follow any rules, and is able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and thinks I can too. But I can't. I have to keep a schedule, I have to do certain things at specific times. And then there was this time in the summer of 2020 before the vaccine was out, when my friend wanted to walk through the local downtown area, just because he was getting cabin fever. It's not that he's an anti-vaxxer or anti-masker, it's that he's not as concerned with the risks as I am, but doesn't get that I'm not comfortable with that level of risk, not only for myself but also because I don't want to bring the virus home, especially if it could have been avoided. Then later that night we visited another friend of his, who - of all things - had recently returned from working with coronavirus patients. I was so mad. If I'd known that's what we'd be doing, I never would have agreed to it.

This last time, he came over, unannounced once again other than sending an email but not waiting for my reply to confirm that I received it or that I was even home, and all but demanding I go for a run. I declined, as I didn't plan for it and I had other things to do. So he tried to twist my arm into it, I said no, and then he tried to blame me for getting cold. In my head I was like...dude...I didn't tell you to come over, nor did I tell you not to dress for the weather. You chose to do all that stuff yourself. Don't blame me for that.

I've started to tell him that you can't just come over randomly like this and interrupt my day, and I'm not going to have my arm twisted into doing things I don't want to do. And if I give my answer and he starts to go on and on, telling me that I'm "just making excuses" and getting demanding, I say goodbye, exit the conversation, and I go inside. I don't mean to be rude, but I've made up my mind. And I've learned that if I stay in the conversation, even if I give my answer that I'm not going out, he doesn't just say "OK, maybe some other time" and goes home. He'll stay and rant, and I don't want to take more time out of my day for that because that's why I'm not going out in the first place, I've already given my answer and I'm not going to change my mind, so I just say my answer, say that I've given it, say "bye" and go inside. I am not a toy sitting on the shelf waiting to be played with, nor am I this person's 24/7 on-demand personal entertainer. I'm a person with a life of my own, dreams and problems of my own. We have some common interests and things to talk about, but at the end of the day we have different goals and priorities, and I'm tired of the years zooming by faster and faster, while I'm getting nowhere closer to where I want to be. I have to prioritize myself. I'd be more open to hanging out if I already figured my life out and things were going well, and I felt like I had extra time to take a detour. But until I get myself sorted out, I feel like I really don't.

I know this was itself a rant, and I want to be clear that I don't dislike this person, we're friends, we've had good conversations and shared some good times. But he just doesn't seem to get that I have a life of my own, and everything that I'm dealing with in life, and that it takes time to figure out. And I can't make hanging out a priority right now, certainly not at random times. I'm not just sitting around waiting for people to call me. I have to figure my life out and I have to give myself the time and space to do it.

 

[Azariah]

How to tell a friend to talk less politely?​

easy. just tell them to talk more rudely

 

[theablekingathelstan]

I have a friend, and we go to the park or the beach, and she talks constantly, doesn't come up for air. We can be in the park for four/six hours, and she doesn't stop talking for one minute. It's amazing. I don't know how she does that.

I want her to talk less. Usually, when people walk together, they talk for a while, then walk quietly for a while, and then start talking again. This is what I want, but she's very sensitive and gets insulted very quickly.

It's not that I want a chance to talk, because I don't. I just want some quiet, silence. Because she's exhausting and repeats herself. It's painful to listen.

And she wants to see me once/twice a week, for hours on end each time, and argues a long time when I say I have to go, even with good excuses.

How can I get her to talk less without hurting her feelings? Any suggestions?

Dhe

I have a friend, and we go to the park or the beach, and she talks constantly, doesn't come up for air. We can be in the park for four/six hours, and she doesn't stop talking for one minute. It's amazing. I don't know how she does that.

I want her to talk less. Usually, when people walk together, they talk for a while, then walk quietly for a while, and then start talking again. This is what I want, but she's very sensitive and gets insulted very quickly.

It's not that I want a chance to talk, because I don't. I just want some quiet, silence. Because she's exhausting and repeats herself. It's painful to listen.

And she wants to see me once/twice a week, for hours on end each time, and argues a long time when I say I have to go, even with good excuses.

How can I get her to talk less without hurting her feelings? Any suggestions?

I get you're frustrated. Though without knowing either of you admittedly, i think she's just being herself. Maybe she enjoys the things she repeats, or she could be lonely.
It takes a fine balance though here since you're right you could hurt her and potentially end the friendship.
You could say in a friendly and non-judgemental tone "hey, I notice that you say the same things all the time".

 

[TheSkaFish]

I have similar situation with a friend of mine. Ever so often this friend will come by my house randomly, without being invited and without me telling him I'm available, and all but demand that I drop everything I'm doing and make myself free to hang out for hours on end. I've tried making it clear that I'm staying here, thinking it will send the message that I'm only willing to give him a short chat, but even if we stay here and talk, he will just ramble for hours. So I've started cutting him off. I feel a little bit bad about it, but I also feel like clearly I have to set boundaries and enforce them because I can't count on him to regulate himself. He seems to think that because I'm not working, it automatically means "I have nothing going on". I'm like, no it doesn't. I have other around-the-house things I need to do. I have my life to figure out. I need time to myself to think, so I can figure out how to change the course of my life, what changes to make and how I'm going to do it, cause I haven't been happy with the way things tend to go for me, and I want to change it. If I find that I'm stuck in a shitty life, in a job I hate, boring, and single, my friend isn't going to ride to the rescue and fix everything for me. He isn't going to get me a decent job, or a girlfriend, or make me an interesting person or make me good at anything. It's going to be my problem, and my problem alone. So I've been getting less patient with these visits, because I feel like he's being really disrespectful of me and my time - especially when I decline to hang out, yet he insists on twisting my arm about it, and haranguing me about "needing to get out of the house" and "needing to stop living in fear" when I'm like, that's not the issue, the issue is I have things I have to do, I have things to think about, and I can't do them or think about them if I'm hanging out all day. I have to make time to deal with my life. Sorry that I can't make hanging out a priority right now, but I'm not happy with my life and I'm not going to take hours out of my day to inconvenience myself just because you're bored. Sometimes I almost want to snap and say "dude, find something to do!"

Also there's been a few times where I have gone out with this friend, and stayed out way later than I meant to, and there were consequences for me - my dinner got eaten, I got home too late to shower and had to go to bed dirty, I didn't get enough sleep, I got tendonitis, I got caught in a thunderstorm that I knew better than to go out in but my friend randomly came over and insisted we go for a run in it anyway, or I didn't get to do what I intended to do that day because hanging out took up all my time. That's the thing, my friend doesn't seem to have to follow any rules, and is able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and thinks I can too. But I can't. I have to keep a schedule, I have to do certain things at specific times. And then there was this time in the summer of 2020 before the vaccine was out, when my friend wanted to walk through the local downtown area, just because he was getting cabin fever. It's not that he's an anti-vaxxer or anti-masker, it's that he's not as concerned with the risks as I am, but doesn't get that I'm not comfortable with that level of risk, not only for myself but also because I don't want to bring the virus home, especially if it could have been avoided. Then later that night we visited another friend of his, who - of all things - had recently returned from working with coronavirus patients. I was so mad. If I'd known that's what we'd be doing, I never would have agreed to it.

This last time, he came over, unannounced once again other than sending an email but not waiting for my reply to confirm that I received it or that I was even home, and all but demanding I go for a run. I declined, as I didn't plan for it and I had other things to do. So he tried to twist my arm into it, I said no, and then he tried to blame me for getting cold. In my head I was like...dude...I didn't tell you to come over, nor did I tell you not to dress for the weather. You chose to do all that stuff yourself. Don't blame me for that.

I've started to tell him that you can't just come over randomly like this and interrupt my day, and I'm not going to have my arm twisted into doing things I don't want to do. And if I give my answer and he starts to go on and on, telling me that I'm "just making excuses" and getting demanding, I say goodbye, exit the conversation, and I go inside. I don't mean to be rude, but I've made up my mind. And I've learned that if I stay in the conversation, even if I give my answer that I'm not going out, he doesn't just say "OK, maybe some other time" and goes home. He'll stay and rant, and I don't want to take more time out of my day for that because that's why I'm not going out in the first place, I've already given my answer and I'm not going to change my mind, so I just say my answer, say that I've given it, say "bye" and go inside. I am not a toy sitting on the shelf waiting to be played with, nor am I this person's 24/7 on-demand personal entertainer. I'm a person with a life of my own, dreams and problems of my own. We have some common interests and things to talk about, but at the end of the day we have different goals and priorities, and I'm tired of the years zooming by faster and faster, while I'm getting nowhere closer to where I want to be. I have to prioritize myself. I'd be more open to hanging out if I already figured my life out and things were going well, and I felt like I had extra time to take a detour. But until I get myself sorted out, I feel like I really don't.

I know this was itself a rant, and I want to be clear that I don't dislike this person, we're friends, we've had good conversations and shared some good times. But he just doesn't seem to get that I have a life of my own, and everything that I'm dealing with in life, and that it takes time to figure out. And I can't make hanging out a priority right now, certainly not at random times. I'm not just sitting around waiting for people to call me. I have to figure my life out and I have to give myself the time and space to do it.

OK, so when I said this, I said it in anger and frustration.

Yesterday my friend came over again, and the weather was unseasonably warm so we went for a walk. We had a good discussion, and he said some heartfelt things, well-wishes for one of my family members to get better. I thought that was really kind of him to say that.

So I want to be clear that my friend is, in fact, a good guy. It's just that sometimes his timing is not the best.

 

[SecondStarTotheRight]

I read the subject and thought this was about trying to get someone to talk dirty or put more cursing in their communication, for emphasis.

 

[Sarah G]

Listen sweaty, this Charlotte Brontë act is getting old. I know you're a bad binch and I want to hear you ROAR!