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Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

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LeeG

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Hi Everyone, my name is Lee and I am new here. I am looking for people to talk to basically. I am a 58 year old male from North Carolina. I really don't have any any friends, the only "friends" I have, I always have to reach out to them, if I stop contacting them I basically will never hear from them again. My family for the most part is the same way, I may get happy birthday from them on my birthday. They can even be worse, if I reach out to them the first thing they will tell me is how busy they are doing something else, and can I maybe call or text another time, which will be exactly the same. I've never understood what it is about that makes everyone act this way towards me, am I that unattractive, am I just boring, I've tried to pinpoint it my whole life and I just never knew for sure.

i wonder if anyone has had similar experiences or feels the same out there. Please let me know I would love to hear from you. Thank you.
 

Minus

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Welcome to the forums Lee :)
 

MoonRiver

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Hello Lee,
Welcome. I think there are plenty of people in a similar siutation to yours. It's a common disease of our times I'd say. Life is too fast nowadays, people don't have the time to maintain relations, too focused on themselves they don't notice anyone else around. With a bit of luck though the right people can be found.
 

LeeG

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@MoonRiver thanks so much for your reply. Covid definitely changed everything, I've been look for ways to meet people. I went to a meetup group last week, I was having a good time talking to some nice people then something terrible happened and it reminded me how awkward and alone I really am, I'll never try that again. I was reading "how to make friends" online and they were saying you can meet people in public like at the supermarket, I can't, people I know don't want to talk to me, strangers definitely don't. I stay at home, I work at home, and I just can't seem to meet anyone.
 

TheRealCallie

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Welcome to ALL :)

I have family that would never come to my house or call me. I stopped having anything to do with them. One of which lives less than a mile from me. Fuck 'em. I've had friends like that too. My immediate family is pretty good at staying in touch. If I don't call them, they will call me.
 

LeeG

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@TheRealCallie that's good your immediately family is like that, my mother does reach to out to me, but she's 82 so I mostly reach out to her and that's OK, she's my mother and she's always one person who I know loves me. My sisters and my brother and the other family I'm talking about, that are always too busy to talk to me. Occasionally they might feel obligated and talk to me, but it's begrudgingly. I've really stopped reaching out to them at all because I know exactly what I'll get. Thanks for telling me, the last place I lived was less than a mile from my supposed friend, but i the year I lived there she never even came over once to see my place or see where I lived. If I would text her she would always say "oh i've been meaning to stop by but i've been so busy lately". I also tried inviting her to dinner, she accepted, I went out and bought steaks and everything to make, and too hours before she text me something had come up and could she take a raincheck. And I was like of course you can, and that was the end of that.
 

idaniel

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I have a similar experience. 2 decades ago I moved a few hours away from home for a job. And over time I lost contact with a lot of people that I thought I had strong connections with. My family didn't keep up with me with the exception of mom. I had to do the visiting if it was to occur. For my family it's like I moved to Kazakhstan even though I'm only 2 hours away.

Several months ago, I temporarily moved back, and that actually fixed a lot of things. Lots of old friendships were just dormant, and I have people that will watch out for me now. Life has been pretty good lately.

But I've been there with almost nobody to count on or talk to. I never expected that to happen, but there are an infinite number of life events or circumstances that can put us there.

Meetup was a mixed bag for me. I am shy, but I went to a lot of those. Social meetups can be fun, but the turnover made it difficult to find lasting friends. Now if I go to a meetup, it will probably just be special interests. It's way harder to find friends as an adult, and I don't have it in me to play that numbers game with social type meetups. I'm more likely to meet new people at a class or special interest group.
 

LeeG

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@idaniel thank you for responding to my post. I appreciate everybody that reached out to me. I moved down to Florida years ago and I knew nobody there, it took me at least a year then to make new friends but I did it. I had some really good friends there, I still see some of them on facebook and we'll like reply to each other's posts or something, we're not close anymore. The sad thing about my friends is we live in the same city, but since i've made the decision to quit texting or contacting them I'm sure I'll never hear from them again. I have to just accept that and move on. Meetup sucked for me i'm not doing that anymore either. The only way I'd find a new friend now would be for them to come to my house, which isn't going to happen either. Anyway I'm happy for you that you have a good support system, I'd stay stick with it. I felt that way at one time in my life but now I just feel empty and alone all the time. I'd say my best and only friend is my mother, which is kind of sad and pathetic, but thank God for her I love her so much. She's 83, she is in good health, has lots of friends and goes out all the time, she always has. And I'm happy for her too.
 

Sir Joseph

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Welcome to the site Lee, where most of us are needing and wanting more relationships. It seems like people are generally too busy with their work, families, and existing clicks to be receptive to new friendships. As a retired single myself, I've found that it only gets harder as we get older. I have no easy solutions to offer, but only encouragement to not give up.

The unfair reality is that we who lack and want more relationships must try harder to reach out to others. The burden's on us to be assertive with first contact and to be diligent in nurturing any prospective friendship. I've found this requires a whole lot more giving than receiving but is none the less worthwhile effort.

Although my current vagabond life doesn't allow it, I believe that a good Christian church, large enough to have small groups and a variety of actvities, remains fertile ground for developing new relationships. If that doesn't suit you, then you might look forward to life in an active retirement community or an overseas expat community. Both environments tend to have people with more free time and interest in making friendships.
 

LeeG

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@Sir Joseph thank you so much for your response. I appreciate your suggestions a lot. I've thought about churches but I've never really been a religious person, i am not necessarily a disbeliever, maybe just not convinced basically. I also like the idea of moving to an Expat community, but I work full time here and have a career so I could work that out anytime soon, but definitely thoughts for the future. Maybe an active retirement community but I won't be retiring anytime soon. But I have seen a lot of over 55 communities and that might be a future option.

I agree with you that as I've gotten older I've noticed it just gets harder to do, that compounded by the fact I work at home and really don't go out that much. It's been a long time since i've gone out to bar alone or anything like that and I don't like doing it, I will just end up sitting there alone every time. I'm going to either have to learn to live with it or figure out a way to make it work for me. Thanks again I really appreciate hearing from you.
 
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I don't know how I missed this, Hullo Lee welcome to the forums :)
You were off screwing around on other threads! You and your damn guitar. Ha! ha!

Oh shit, I missed it too. Ha! ha!

Welcome LeeG!!!!
Friends seem to require a lot of work. Way too much IMO unless they are friends with benefits. Ha! Ha! That's why I have none IRL.
 
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