I don't know what to do.

[UniverseBear]

If you looked up self-sabotage in the dictionary you wouldn't see a picture of me because I would of missed the photoshoot. They always say "things will get better" but if I look back at the last decade it has just been slowly getting worse and worse. When I was in my early twenties I had such high hopes and dreams for the future. I wanted to play music and I even got a music degree, not the one I originally went in for because the administration messed up my application so when degree day rolled around I got some ******* ass music degree while most people got performance degrees. I never fought it, I never fight anything. I lost out on teaching jobs because of it, they wanted a performance degree. I started busking to make money. It was ok but it was hard work. I landed a gig playing this strange blueman group meets Skrillex meets Slipknot show that ran 3 times a night 5 times a week. I met a girl there who was completely psychotic. She would hit me in private and public. I found out she had lied about being STD free by finding medication in her fridge and then found out she was cheating on me. When I broke up with her she threatened to kill herself. For some masochistic reason I offered a bass position in one of my bands to a guy who had started dating my other ex (we had lived together for 4 years), I was taking medication for depression but I was getting hit with hallucinations. Winter hit and I couldn't busk and was out of a job but also was having emotional issues around the messed up relationship I had been in and I couldn't deal with the bass player being in my band anymore.

I said "fresia it I'll walk across Canada and figure myself out." I moved out of that town completely, went back to living with my parents and worked as a dishwasher. I saved up enough money to fly to Newfoundland and I bought all the equipment I would need (plus a couple thousand in savings). Earlier that year I had badly injured my ankle that was diagnosed as a sprained ankle. Unknown to me was the fact that it wasn't a sprain, but a mis-diagnosed fracture that now had healed improperly. I got dick-slapped in the face by this fact a couple days into my journey as my foot began to hurt like crazy. The pain from my foot forced me to walk strangely, which, with the weight of my gear caused my knees to give out. It rained almost everyday and it was super cold. I remember shivering all night because I couldn't get warm sometimes. I started seeing hallucinations in the woods. People looking at me from the treeline. I had to stop. Just 2 weeks into what was supposed to take months and I found myself on a plane ride home, a complete failure. I gave up on that dream and I gave up on my dream of playing music. I stopped playing music at all for years. I wouldn't even listen to it because all it would do is remind me of my failure.

I went back to school for environmental tech. I hated it to the core. I could do the work easy but I found it so completely mind numbingly tedious and I didn't enjoy the people in the program with me. I began drinking a lot and would show up to classes hungover. I had an awful co-op that was basically landscaping but in a swamp with waders on and I had an emotional breakdown where I just walked into the swamp with my clothes on until the water was up to my neck. I finished the program but didn't pursue it as a career. I worked at a coffee shop and for uber. I still live with my parents, I can't keep uber up enough to make enough money to afford my own place. I get reffered to a job by an uber passanger for writing proposals for an IT company.
I'm sitting here right now procrastinating on doing a video interview. Why? Because I know I will hate this job. It's the same technical detailed writing that I hated doing in my program. I have so many creative ideas, art installations, album ideas, business ideas, story ideas, video game ideas. I can't do them though because I can't get motivated. The days were I feel happy and able to function properly are rare. I've grown up into such a bitter person. I hate anyone who manages to make a life working in a creative field. I hate them because I am so envious and because I just don't understand how they can do it. Young me would hate me for taking a job like this, even I kind of hate myself for doing it. It signals the end of creative possibilities and the start of a never ending mind numbing life that is lived only because the alternative is never having any financial stability or independence. I feel like a failure and I can't stop living in the past.

 

[constant stranger]

You're in a really f****d up space aren't you? You may have to give up the dream and whore yourself in some job. Find one that's acceptably not too bad and get pastime or hobby that's suggestive enough of the dream that it'll get you through the tedium of working the job.

And living in the past is a real dead end. I know 'cause I haven't kicked the habit myself.

 

[Augusto]

I understand your situation. Don't have advice, as mine is a bit similar, but after reading an answer by constant stranger, I want to tell that such solution doesn't work well for me. Weekend hobby just can't be a substitute of 40-50 hours of weekly work with long commuting time.
What may work, is still getting some shitty corporate job in a field which you hate (yes, I know how you feel abotu this advice), and do your best to save as much money as possible, at the same time (not somewhere in the future!) launching some small business based loosely on what you like, on your strengths and passions.
This may work, and I took this way. PM if you need more advice.

 

[catch_the_music]

I can relate to your post. Sometimes I feel like my life is just one big mess. Lots of things going wrong and no good way out. I have also looking for a new job in a field that I enjoy. I keep hoping that the perfect job opportunity will just jump out at me. However, a couple of weeks ago I watched a TED talk. The presenter said that good job situations are made and they usually dont just appear out of nowhere. That TED talk changed my outlook on my current IT job. I realized that even though I had to do tedious tasks that I could still use my creative and relational talents during my off hours. Then I could share those things with people at work. I found there are some creative people around me that do the same thing. Prayers that you can utilize your creative talents in your present situation. I hope you find good sources of inspiration. I like to read and follow articles by Max Lucado. I find him to have some very encouraging thoughts. Good Luck

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I would say go read some Epectetus. I should, maybe; but, I won't right now...

though, I would guess that, most anything can be made tolerable, and, even more so, enjoyable, when the right means are employed...

As for me... I still want to cling to my hopes and dreams, whatever the fresia they are... Doesn't seem that's going to pay the bills, though, at the least...