I Feel Incomplete

[Aardra]

I don't know how other people are so well-adjusted. How do they get along? How can they make friends, have impactful interactions, maintain lasting friendships? I feel so incompatible with others, like who and what I am is just... naturally upsetting to people.

I'm a 6'4'' tall woman with a dick. I can fortify myself with all the progressive rhetoric in the world but when it all comes down to it, what most people see when they look at me is a freak. An aberration. I can't even go to the supermarket without being side-eyed by every Keith and Karen in the store. So is it really any wonder why I struggle with relationships? Why I'm always the one having to reach out to others, to jiggle the mouse a bit so my friendships don't slip into sleep mode? I've had many best friends, but I've never been anyone's best friend. Know what I mean? I feel tolerated more than anything else. People find other people, and move on from me. Or they get slighted by something I say, or more than likely, upset when I stand up for myself, or correct a perceived slight, and decide that I'm just not worth the trouble.

When I try to date people, I end up hurt and humiliated. Men are either disgusted by me or they really want to get with me (on the DL of course, can't let his friends or family know he slept with a trans woman). Oh and of course if I don't wear a flashing neon sign over my head "warning" them I'm trans, they will, in a predictable display of cis privilege, invariably accuse me of trying to trick/deceive them.

Women are a whole other issue. Lesbians terrify me, because I know a healthy percentage of them see me as an impostor, an invader of their traditionally feminine spaces, which only leads me to believe that I am an impostor and to exist in this strange limbo-state of unwomanhood.

It's hard knowing that 95% of humans find you viscerally repulsive.

I've always been alone. I've always hated being alone. I just want a friend, but it seems my existence is inherently upsetting to people. What's more, because I'm so desperate, I've made a habit of letting people walk all over me, fully aware of the uneven power dynamic that exists between myself and a person who, at the end of the day, could just as well do without me.

I feel incomplete. I want to have a connection with someone. A real connection. I want someone to want to be around me, to want to be with me. I don't know what the word is. A partner, maybe. Companion? fresia me, I don't know.

Sorry.

 

[Olivia24]

We all want someone so thats something we all have in common. I would be your friend. I imagine i could learn alot from you. If you are looking for a lover all you can do is the best you can. Finding my own love hasnt been the easet thing on earth. I hope things work out!!

 

[Aardra]

Thanks. I lost another friend today, this one by choice. He was constantly criticizing the things that I said, challenging me in unfriendly and combative ways. Now I'm back to no friends.

 

[user 150037]

Better to be without friends, than be with friends who make you feel bad.

 

[theablekingathelstan]

I'm sorry you're facing this degree of transphobia. it's not on.

---

Do you live in an area with little trans acceptance?

 

[theablekingathelstan]

When you engage with others, how does it go?
Do you live in the USA? Is it in a place with less trans or LGBT acceptance, like the South?
I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Efbee]

I don't know how other people are so well-adjusted. How do they get along? How can they make friends, have impactful interactions, maintain lasting friendships? I feel so incompatible with others, like who and what I am is just... naturally upsetting to people.

I'm a 6'4'' tall woman with a dick. I can fortify myself with all the progressive rhetoric in the world but when it all comes down to it, what most people see when they look at me is a freak. An aberration. I can't even go to the supermarket without being side-eyed by every Keith and Karen in the store. So is it really any wonder why I struggle with relationships? Why I'm always the one having to reach out to others, to jiggle the mouse a bit so my friendships don't slip into sleep mode? I've had many best friends, but I've never been anyone's best friend. Know what I mean? I feel tolerated more than anything else. People find other people, and move on from me. Or they get slighted by something I say, or more than likely, upset when I stand up for myself, or correct a perceived slight, and decide that I'm just not worth the trouble.

When I try to date people, I end up hurt and humiliated. Men are either disgusted by me or they really want to get with me (on the DL of course, can't let his friends or family know he slept with a trans woman). Oh and of course if I don't wear a flashing neon sign over my head "warning" them I'm trans, they will, in a predictable display of cis privilege, invariably accuse me of trying to trick/deceive them.

Women are a whole other issue. Lesbians terrify me, because I know a healthy percentage of them see me as an impostor, an invader of their traditionally feminine spaces, which only leads me to believe that I am an impostor and to exist in this strange limbo-state of unwomanhood.

It's hard knowing that 95% of humans find you viscerally repulsive.

I've always been alone. I've always hated being alone. I just want a friend, but it seems my existence is inherently upsetting to people. What's more, because I'm so desperate, I've made a habit of letting people walk all over me, fully aware of the uneven power dynamic that exists between myself and a person who, at the end of the day, could just as well do without me.

I feel incomplete. I want to have a connection with someone. A real connection. I want someone to want to be around me, to want to be with me. I don't know what the word is. A partner, maybe. Companion? fresia me, I don't know.

Sorry.

It's sad that people make you feel that way. Then again, it doesn't surprise me. Tolerance and friendship have always been in short supply and now more than ever. 
I went out with a trans person back in 2002. She hit on me at first one evening after work. She worked at Wafflehouse and since I love waffles and I was working on the road, the Wafflehouse was the only place opened late at night near my hotel. So she served me, was very amicable and I didn't know she was trans. We struck a conversation after her shift and got along well. She was very intelligent and cultured.
The next day we met, was a Saturday, and we went into town, had fun, good laughs... But I noticed some things that made me suspicious, like her adam's apple and something didn't feel right, I sensed it but couldn't put my finger on it. Finally, I think she sensed there was something with me so at the end of the afternoon she told me she was trans. 
I was so surprised because she was so feminine, beautiful and all... I told myself this: "Well, you were attracted and got along just a minute ago so why must this change anything?" and she was so nice, treated me with respect and the whole nine yards. So I decided not to freak out on her and continued to see her. 
I didn't live far from her city ( only 3-hour drive ) so I would sometimes drive to see her and sometimes she would drive to see me, once every week. We had a blast, good times. It lasted for two years then she started to have issues, personal and mental issues and she didn't want to hurt me so she said it would be better if we stopped seeing each other. I didn't understand the whole thing as to why but I had to respect her decision. That was a bummer. I was very sad and cried. I have fond memories of her.
I hope you find someone who can accept you for who you are, I really do. 
In the meantime, hold on tight and chin up. You are worth a lot to someone and I hope that one day you'll meet that person.

 

[Finished]

^ And try not to let yourself get too bitter about how unfair life is before you do meet someone special to share your life with.

 

[SquiddyKat]

I understand. I always felt things were missing, and a big part of that is not being able ti be my true self.
Being trans and unpassable, and being attracted mainly to women tough beyond words, and is one of the many reasons why I can't have a relationship. There are too many things about me that set me back. Looks, rare personality, issues with frustrations, anxiety, CPTSD, and such. I feel that even if I'm lucky to find a girl, I feel or fear that I won't be able to be myself or do certain things. Being female, or trans and passible, many of those things would be great. It sucks that there are some things that are acceptable for one gender and not another.

 

[Just_another_one]

I'm sorry for what you have to experience everyday. It is not easy for sure. I have little to say just a hug.

 

[Diagnosed]

I don't know how other people are so well-adjusted. How do they get along? How can they make friends, have impactful interactions, maintain lasting friendships? I feel so incompatible with others, like who and what I am is just... naturally upsetting to people.

I'm a 6'4'' tall woman with a dick. I can fortify myself with all the progressive rhetoric in the world but when it all comes down to it, what most people see when they look at me is a freak. An aberration. I can't even go to the supermarket without being side-eyed by every Keith and Karen in the store. So is it really any wonder why I struggle with relationships? Why I'm always the one having to reach out to others, to jiggle the mouse a bit so my friendships don't slip into sleep mode? I've had many best friends, but I've never been anyone's best friend. Know what I mean? I feel tolerated more than anything else. People find other people, and move on from me. Or they get slighted by something I say, or more than likely, upset when I stand up for myself, or correct a perceived slight, and decide that I'm just not worth the trouble.

When I try to date people, I end up hurt and humiliated. Men are either disgusted by me or they really want to get with me (on the DL of course, can't let his friends or family know he slept with a trans woman). Oh and of course if I don't wear a flashing neon sign over my head "warning" them I'm trans, they will, in a predictable display of cis privilege, invariably accuse me of trying to trick/deceive them.

Women are a whole other issue. Lesbians terrify me, because I know a healthy percentage of them see me as an impostor, an invader of their traditionally feminine spaces, which only leads me to believe that I am an impostor and to exist in this strange limbo-state of unwomanhood.

It's hard knowing that 95% of humans find you viscerally repulsive.

I've always been alone. I've always hated being alone. I just want a friend, but it seems my existence is inherently upsetting to people. What's more, because I'm so desperate, I've made a habit of letting people walk all over me, fully aware of the uneven power dynamic that exists between myself and a person who, at the end of the day, could just as well do without me.

I feel incomplete. I want to have a connection with someone. A real connection. I want someone to want to be around me, to want to be with me. I don't know what the word is. A partner, maybe. Companion? fresia me, I don't know.

Sorry.

I´m older than you and your longing is too similar to mine, but I´m 60 and, when my mom was in her 70, she told me she wanted the same connection "with a man who loved her and took her out".
She´s 82 now, & I´m afraid she has missed that chance (like me).

Have a nice day!

 

[Juana24]

Yes. I feel you in so many ways. you put words to feelings I haven't been able to name. This idea of having a best friend but never being a best friend is painful, it makes me even angry. Also feeling the need of jiggle de mouse as you said, this almost desperation for "entertaining" people, so they don't get bored... It is sad, I feel it almost in every interaction I have. All you share is quite sad, and I can only understand an part of it. I can only imagine the rest of it. It is very brave of you to share it here, I really appreciate it . Thank you.

As you may notice I don't have the experiences to talk about your situation. Therefore I won't talk about it. What I can say is that I am lonely too. And that I've also hid my real self from others out of fear from previous experiences, previous rejects. When I feel like that, sometimes I have the strength to say in my head "you know what, fresia off!" I'm not always able to do it, but when I can it feels nice.
Don't let the world tell you how you should be. I imagine you've gone through a huge self and conscious transformation. That's extremely brave and powerful. Take that power and be yourself. Treat yourself, look at yourself in the mirror, get pretty the exact way you like the most, and go out, even if you only have to go to the market, go out feeling like a queen!! That's what you deserve. If others don't like it, just continue. Someday, sooner than later you'll find people who will value you exactly the way you are.

I understand how you feel in this moment. I've written posts here feeling the same. But writing it is already some kind of catharsis. I've written about my loneliness too and my struggles. And they don't go away, maybe they never will, that's how we were made, maybe we can't change it, we can't change that most of the people don't like us. What we can change is how we perceive ourselves and how we treat ourselves.

You know what? I'll go right now and do what I just advised you to do. I'm going to buy embroidery supplies feeling like a queen!! Haha. Girl, I hope you find light in your situation. You deserve the best, you're an amazing person and you're enough and perfect the way you are. Don't forget that.

See ya!