I feel like I lost it

[Leapfrog00]

I find myself drifting away. I have no friends or family. No one cares about me. Every night before I go to sleep, I cry until I fall asleep. Tears soak my shirt and my pillow. I used to work on my novels, but I have no desire to even write anymore. I get tired of worrying all the time. Worrying if I'm going to have another panic attack, or if I'm going to run out of food before I can afford to buy more. Just stupid things really. I used to have a Yorkie, but my narcissistic aunt and her narcissistic cousin took him, so I don't even have my little dog anymore. I have group on Wednesday, but I'm afraid to talk about my problems. I'm embarrassed I'll sound too sad and pathetic. Even if I did talk, it's just once a week. I sometimes wish I could fall asleep and stay asleep. No one cares about me. I'm alone. I feel like this all the time now. I don't know what's wrong with me.

 

[okidoke]

I think you’d be well aware that there are many people who feel that way. Lots on this forum. You can engage with them to see how they cope, which is what a thread like this initiates. That’s a good step.

Knowing there are others with your plight should encourage you to talk. There is no need to be embarrassed. The alternative doesn’t help any so take a chance.

Interacting with others is very important because isolating yourself only makes things worse.

Well done for posting this. I’m happy for you to pm me if you wish.

 

[user 188685]

I think you’d be well aware that there are many people who feel that way. Lots on this forum. You can engage with them to see how they cope, which is what a thread like this initiates. That’s a good step.

Knowing there are others with your plight should encourage you to talk. There is no need to be embarrassed. The alternative doesn’t help any so take a chance.

Interacting with others is very important because isolating yourself only makes things worse.

Well done for posting this. I’m happy for you to pm me if you wish.

Very true

 

[Leapfrog00]

I think you’d be well aware that there are many people who feel that way. Lots on this forum. You can engage with them to see how they cope, which is what a thread like this initiates. That’s a good step.

Knowing there are others with your plight should encourage you to talk. There is no need to be embarrassed. The alternative doesn’t help any so take a chance.

Interacting with others is very important because isolating yourself only makes things worse.

Well done for posting this. I’m happy for you to pm me if you wish.

I wish I could bring some of this stuff up in group, but I always chicken out. I wish my friend, Jessa was still around. She died in an accident last year. I felt more confident when I had friends around. I know I won't be judged if I open up, but I have PTSD. I had so much narcissistic abuse done to me, I live in fear now.

 

[Skyless]

I’m really sorry about your friend.

I’m not sure as to the nature of this group, but have you ever seen them jump on anyone unkindly that did express any issues? How do they usually react to people talking about their issues? Have they been open? Supportive? Do you think they would be helpful if you spoke up about any of these things based on what you have seen already?

I can understand not wanting to look a certain way in front of a group of people.

But, if you feel like letting some of this out there could help you and to me it sounds like you do, you could try just letting a little bit of it out at a time.

For example saying you are feeling isolated after loosing your friend, or not having family and asking if they have any advice, or if anyone has had similar experiences or feelings. You might find more common cause there than you expect, considering how common various forms of isolation are becoming today.

Or just talking about the PTSD and how it’s been affecting you.

Or any other sub section of the things you mentioned, even just the dog.

I think whatever first ice breaker you pick, could make saying everything else you might really want to say thereafter, a lot easier, because you will see how people react and who seems like they sympathize, which might give you a little bit of that comfort to speak you described above.

 

[okidoke]

I wish I could bring some of this stuff up in group, but I always chicken out. I wish my friend, Jessa was still around. She died in an accident last year. I felt more confident when I had friends around. I know I won't be judged if I open up, but I have PTSD. I had so much narcissistic abuse done to me, I live in fear now.

Why do you chicken out? Let’s see if we can work on that with you.

Is the fear you feel just general fear or of specific people?

 

[Leapfrog00]

Why do you chicken out? Let’s see if we can work on that with you.

Is the fear you feel just general fear or of specific people?

I was thinking about that the other day. In college, I had to take a public speaking class. An easy A. No tests. No homework. Just learning how to speak in public. All the other classes I did well. This one, I ended up with a C. I think what it is, when I'm talking in front of people, they're watching, which means their eyes are on me, and I feel like I'm an actor giving a performance, and if that performance isn't perfect, I look stupid. I really don't care what others think of me, but when I was little, my parents were abusive, and everything had to be perfect. This is close as I can figure it with the problem.

 

[Leapfrog00]

I’m really sorry about your friend.

I’m not sure as to the nature of this group, but have you ever seen them jump on anyone unkindly that did express any issues? How do they usually react to people talking about their issues? Have they been open? Supportive? Do you think they would be helpful if you spoke up about any of these things based on what you have seen already?

I can understand not wanting to look a certain way in front of a group of people.

But, if you feel like letting some of this out there could help you and to me it sounds like you do, you could try just letting a little bit of it out at a time.

For example saying you are feeling isolated after loosing your friend, or not having family and asking if they have any advice, or if anyone has had similar experiences or feelings. You might find more common cause there than you expect, considering how common various forms of isolation are becoming today.

Or just talking about the PTSD and how it’s been affecting you.

Or any other sub section of the things you mentioned, even just the dog.

I think whatever first ice breaker you pick, could make saying everything else you might really want to say thereafter, a lot easier, because you will see how people react and who seems like they sympathize, which might give you a little bit of that comfort to speak you described above.

A lot of people in the support group have mental health issues, addiction, and PTSD. I think part of the problem is I don't feel like my problem deserves attention. I went through so many years of abuse and it made me afraid to put myself out there. If I go to a church or any type of place with a crowd of people in a room, I sit in the back. I don't feel safe anywhere. Last year I was living with a narcissists. Everyone that abused me made me afraid. Maybe I should talk about that in group. They already know I'm not that open. Maybe this will explain why.

 

[user 188685]

I wish I could bring some of this stuff up in group, but I always chicken out. I wish my friend, Jessa was still around. She died in an accident last year. I felt more confident when I had friends around. I know I won't be judged if I open up, but I have PTSD. I had so much narcissistic abuse done to me, I live in fear now.

I'm so sorry

 

[user 139760]

A lot of people in the support group have mental health issues, addiction, and PTSD. I think part of the problem is I don't feel like my problem deserves attention. I went through so many years of abuse and it made me afraid to put myself out there. If I go to a church or any type of place with a crowd of people in a room, I sit in the back. I don't feel safe anywhere. Last year I was living with a narcissists. Everyone that abused me made me afraid. Maybe I should talk about that in group. They already know I'm not that open. Maybe this will explain why.

It's a matter of perspective.
I was in a support group as well for a time, for problems I've already spoken of on this website. It was a complex and soul damaging experience that I likely will spend the rest of my days trying to accept. When I spoke about it, I felt very much the same wsy. Because it didn't happen to ME, because I wasn't the victim, I felt like I was making a fuss out of it, like I didn't really have a problem and was complaining for no reason.
Until, this is just one example among several over the years, I was given a ride one night by one of the fellows from thst support group. He had addiction problems, he was gay and his parents disowned him when he decided to adopt children with his husband. It left him with numerous problems, REAL problems, to me.
We were talking in his car and he says to me "I don't know how you manage to still get up and function every day. That would have driven me insane. It's much worse than anything that's happened in my life."
I was a bit...taken aback. It forced me to accept the fact that it WAS a real problem. That I was driving myself way to hard in thinking that I was just being fussy.
Ultimately, I stopped going to the support group. Not because I didn't think it was useful or was a waste of time, but because after several months I realized that it wasn't helping me heal. Constantly hearing people talk about their different pains kept reminding me of my own and it just brought me back to the same state of mind I was in when it happened. That's not how I heal, apparently. I talk about it, but only in specific circumstances, with select family and friends.
I would encourage you to look at yourself in the miror and remember that YOU matter. If you do have a problem, even if you don't think it's important, talk about it. You obviously need it, you're doing so here.
Do it out there, too.

 

[okidoke]

I was thinking about that the other day. In college, I had to take a public speaking class. An easy A. No tests. No homework. Just learning how to speak in public. All the other classes I did well. This one, I ended up with a C. I think what it is, when I'm talking in front of people, they're watching, which means their eyes are on me, and I feel like I'm an actor giving a performance, and if that performance isn't perfect, I look stupid. I really don't care what others think of me, but when I was little, my parents were abusive, and everything had to be perfect. This is close as I can figure it with the problem.

I would take it that their watching you is paying you attention. But you sound contradictory; saying you don’t care what others think of you and feeling stupid about your “performance“ at the same time.

 

[Skyless]

A lot of people in the support group have mental health issues, addiction, and PTSD. I think part of the problem is I don't feel like my problem deserves attention. I went through so many years of abuse and it made me afraid to put myself out there. If I go to a church or any type of place with a crowd of people in a room, I sit in the back. I don't feel safe anywhere. Last year I was living with a narcissists. Everyone that abused me made me afraid. Maybe I should talk about that in group. They already know I'm not that open. Maybe this will explain why.

Public speaking is actually one of the most commonly expressed fears in the population. It is far from an aberration that you find it difficult, you are not defective, a very large cohort of all people find it difficult as well. Unfortunately, the only real practical way forward with it is through, for anyone. I know it’s difficult

I agree with you, the history with narcissism might be a very good thing to start with, as an element to share with the group. Whether you mean that literally in the official clinically diagnosed sense, or as shorthand for inconsiderate, selfish, abusive person, that most people use that term for today. Looking at how many times you bring it up, your experiences with that really do seem to have a lot of primacy in your thoughts and must be a very sore wound. I think getting it out could be helpful to you. It does seem to surface a lot in your posts and you do seem to really want to talk about that specifically. I’d take that as a sign.

I would also echo Richard's post above:

“I would encourage you to look at yourself in the mirror and remember that YOU matter. If you do have a problem, even if you don't think it's important, talk about it. You obviously need it, you're doing so here. Do it out there, too.”

I wish you the very best of luck if you try it
I hope you’ll let us know how it went, if you do.