I got ghosted.

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michael2

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We had texted pretty regularly for a little over a week. She said I was funny, we chatted about a shared interest, she used lots of silly emojis. We were just a 4-5 days from meeting together for the first time, then nothing.

All the insecurities I have feel so justified now. Yeah, there is something wrong with me. I'm not normal. And people notice it.

This hurts so much. I had such a hard time sleeping last night. My head was jumping around like I was super high on caffeine or something. I couldn't think or hold a thought. All I could see were flashes of light and crazy imagery.. I've never felt anything like that in my life.

I'm pushing 40. At this point, I think it's best I start to plan on living my life alone. I want to share my life with someone so much. But you know, maybe that isn't something everyone gets to experience. I would like to see what is like to be on a date. Or hug someone. Haha I hugged my pillow the other day. This sucks. Haha
 

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I have no advice.
Just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this.
 
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Well, finding someone takes a lot of effort if you aren't blessed with a special quality of some sort. IMO, being agressive helps. You won't put in much effort before you ask someone out. So, not much effort or feelings are wasted if the person says no or ghosts you. You just shrug your shoulders and move on to the next one.
 

ardour

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Sorry, but she might have been messaging several men and ended up focusing on another guy. It's not an uncommon strategy to narrow down options by ghosting. It doesn't necessarily mean she sensed something off about you.

And a week is a short time. Although it's understandable of course, for you to overinvest and view the rejection as symbolic. At least it wasn't months.
 
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sunflowergirl1306

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We had texted pretty regularly for a little over a week. She said I was funny, we chatted about a shared interest, she used lots of silly emojis. We were just a 4-5 days from meeting together for the first time, then nothing.

All the insecurities I have feel so justified now. Yeah, there is something wrong with me. I'm not normal. And people notice it.

This hurts so much. I had such a hard time sleeping last night. My head was jumping around like I was super high on caffeine or something. I couldn't think or hold a thought. All I could see were flashes of light and crazy imagery.. I've never felt anything like that in my life.

I'm pushing 40. At this point, I think it's best I start to plan on living my life alone. I want to share my life with someone so much. But you know, maybe that isn't something everyone gets to experience. I would like to see what is like to be on a date. Or hug someone. Haha I hugged my pillow the other day. This sucks. Haha
I'm so sorry to hear this,I have been ghosted before,it sucks,I don't really have any advice,I just wanted to say that I know how you feel and I'm really sorry this has happened to you.
 

bender22

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Don't let it bother you too much. I've had this happen many, many times. I've sort of become desensitized to it now, I honestly barely even notice if I get ghosted. It helps that I'm usually talking to at least a few other women at any given time.

But you can also try to learn from the experience so you can lower your chances of being ghosted in the future. Think about the reason why she may have ghosted you.

Maybe you came across needy. Perhaps you didn't move things forward fast enough and she got bored. I don't have any context so I'm just throwing possibilities out there. But look over the texts and try to work out where things went wrong.
 

MoonRiver

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As others mentioned, one week is a short period of time. It would've been much worse if you had been ghosted after several months (or even years as this also happens) So I guess you're quite lucky and can learn from the experience. I feel you because I realized that I also overinvested in an online contact. It turned out I haven't been ghosted "for good" but rather put aside in case that person feels the need to contact me. Of course I deserve more and won't agree to an one side friendship no matter how much this connection once gave me. But it took me several months to get past that.
 

ardour

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Maybe you came across needy. Perhaps you didn't move things forward fast enough and she got bored. I don't have any context so I'm just throwing possibilities out there. But look over the texts and try to work out where things went wrong.
Pouring over his messages trying to find something wrong would be unhealthy, obsessive and likely to lead into more neurotic second guessing next time around.
 

bender22

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Pouring over his messages trying to find something wrong would be unhealthy, obsessive and likely to lead into more neurotic second guessing next time around.
I don't see anything unhealthy about trying to learn from mistakes.
 

michael2

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Well, finding someone takes a lot of effort if you aren't blessed with a special quality of some sort. IMO, being agressive helps. You won't put in much effort before you ask someone out. So, not much effort or feelings are wasted if the person says no or ghosts you. You just shrug your shoulders and move on to the next one.

Even though this experience hurt me, Im not going to allow it to stop me from putting myself out there emotionally. I feel like people need to know who I am, and they cant if Im holding back too much emotionally, so my feelings will continue to get hurt if I get ghosted again

Sorry, but she might have been messaging several men and ended up focusing on another guy. It's not an uncommon strategy to narrow down options by ghosting. It doesn't necessarily mean she sensed something off about you.

And a week is a short time. Although it's understandable of course, for you to overinvest and view the rejection as symbolic. At least it wasn't months.

i dont get the messaging several people at once thing. A few months ago there was a different woman I was texting and even though I knew it was very unlikely to work out I refused to join my sister at another gathering where she wanted to introduce me to single women until I knew for sure the woman I was texting didnt want to go any further.

I just cant 'play' two people at once. i dont know, maybe im out of touch with modern dating and everybody has numerous 'matches' they are testing and feeling out before they dwindle down the pile by ghosting etc. To me it just feels wrong to talk to multiple people at once.

I actually met her in person at a party. What doesnt make sense is that she approached me, twice. I would only do that if it were someone I were truly interested in getting to know further. Now it seems people do that just to add you as an 'option' that they can easily discard later if they so desire.

Don't let it bother you too much. I've had this happen many, many times. I've sort of become desensitized to it now, I honestly barely even notice if I get ghosted. It helps that I'm usually talking to at least a few other women at any given time.

But you can also try to learn from the experience so you can lower your chances of being ghosted in the future. Think about the reason why she may have ghosted you.

Maybe you came across needy. Perhaps you didn't move things forward fast enough and she got bored. I don't have any context so I'm just throwing possibilities out there. But look over the texts and try to work out where things went wrong.

I tried to play things in the middle with her. I didnt text her every day to give her space I texted her every 2-3 days and always more then 'hello' or 'hey'. One time I remember asking 'Do anything fun today?'. That led to a good conversation.

Things really seemed to go downhill when I told her something she said made me think of something and I would tell her about it later. So a day later I texted her a long text, about 3 paragraphs long, explaining something I thought of. She never responded to it. Was the text too long? Sure, looking back its not a good idea to have conversations that deep on text. However, I think its garbage you can get dismissed by someone over something so trivial imo.

I wasnt being creepy, sexual, messaging her multiple times a day, demanding a response, or other truly bad things. But I guess in dating today even smaller things can get you cut off because everyone has so many 'options' they can run to when they feel the slightest discomfort in a communication with someone. It feels like its made people disposable.


There;s plenty of fish in the sea....move on....try again.

Heres my concern about this mindset. Isnt dating or getting to know someone about allowing yourself to be vulnerable? I think people who get over easily from events like this never truly allowed themselves to be vulnerable when communicating - they keep a cold icy distance. I always open up and try to be friendly and vulnerable, inviting them to do the same.

I know Im setting myself up to be hurt, but Id much rather do that then see every person as just another option and be emotionally cold to them so I dont get hurt at all.
 

bender22

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Things really seemed to go downhill when I told her something she said made me think of something and I would tell her about it later. So a day later I texted her a long text, about 3 paragraphs long, explaining something I thought of. She never responded to it. Was the text too long? Sure, looking back its not a good idea to have conversations that deep on text. However, I think its garbage you can get dismissed by someone over something so trivial imo.

Yeah very likely that long text at least contributed to the no reply. From my experience, I've found unless the other person is sending long messages first, it's best to keep your messages short and concise. And yes I agree that it's stupid that you can get dismissed over something like that but unfortunately that's the way things are these days.

Did you ever try re-initiating the conversation after you didn't get a reply to your long message?
 

xephier102

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Yeah very likely that long text at least contributed to the no reply. From my experience, I've found unless the other person is sending long messages first, it's best to keep your messages short and concise. And yes I agree that it's stupid that you can get dismissed over something like that but unfortunately that's the way things are these days.

Did you ever try re-initiating the conversation after you didn't get a reply to your long message?
3 paragraphs is a 'long text'? I send that much in my average YouTube comment, lol..
Man people are lazy when it comes to reading, these days.
Sorry, but she might have been messaging several men and ended up focusing on another guy. It's not an uncommon strategy to narrow down options by ghosting. It doesn't necessarily mean she sensed something off about you.
I so wish this practice wasn't so normalized, and seen as OK..
Hedging your bets is fine in sports gambling, and job searches, but should not be seen as proper when it comes to relationships.. At least stick to one guy at a time.. No reason to be an 'S' word, and treat dudes like they don't have emotions..

I'm pushing 40. At this point, I think it's best I start to plan on living my life alone. I want to share my life with someone so much. But you know, maybe that isn't something everyone gets to experience. I would like to see what is like to be on a date. Or hug someone. Haha I hugged my pillow the other day. This sucks. Haha
I feel ya man.. I'm 41, and never had a GF in my life. I also ain't been properly hugged in 4-5 years, and even then, it was my mother..
I've also been ghosted last year. Although mine lasted 3 months, and many super-long emails. Also, she had some mental issues, and depression, and self esteem issues; so I was never sure if she ditched me because of me, or because of her own issues. It does really suck that men get to put in all the work, and women can just throw it all away by going silent, and/or blocking us. Hard not to feel worthless at that point..

You just shrug your shoulders and move on to the next one.
Not everyone is a sociopath. That's easier said than done. Especially if you're autistic or some-such, as we can be surprisingly emotional. That's what makes it hard for me when it comes to dating, or even talking to women. The fact that every rejection hits me like a sack of bricks to the face. Made worse of course when ya gotta message like 30-500 women just to get a reply out of one..
 

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I know it's easy to feel worthless when these things happen, and I feel that way myself all the time, but we have to at least try not to. I started a totally online with someone who I really like talking to just to have conversation. We met in in an online chatroom and then we moved the conversation to Instagram. I asked a few times to turn on the camera and "she" always said and had some reason why "she" couldn't. They way "she" always wanted to turn the conversation sexual and would talk really dirty I started to get the idea it wasn't a woman I was talking to. She did send a few pics but they were always far away and very vague, I sent her close up pics of myself (nothing dirty). Now I am bisexual so I would entertain a relationship with another man, and I had also told "her" that. Anyway she started asking me for more revealing pics naked pics of myself, and said she would reciprocate if I would start. I was not comfortable with this given I had no idea who I was really talking to, I said no, and I never heard from "her" again. I was really only looking for a friend to talk to in the first place, I've pretty much given up on love and sex, it's been so long since I did anything sexual with anyone besides myself that I don't know if I could anymore. I can't even find a friend who is going to want to love me anyway if nobody wants to even talk to me. I just don't want the pressure of trying to maintain that when I can't maintain a friendship with anyone.

It seems to me people always have an agenda and when they find out they're not going to get it they disappear. Anyway I am sorry this happened to you, please try to just move on and keep looking, she obviously isn't a good person and really doesn't deserve you.
 
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Not everyone is a sociopath. That's easier said than done. Especially if you're autistic or some-such, as we can be surprisingly emotional. That's what makes it hard for me when it comes to dating, or even talking to women. The fact that every rejection hits me like a sack of bricks to the face. Made worse of course when ya gotta message like 30-500 women just to get a reply out of one..
Believe me. I understand exactly what you are saying. I even emailed match dot com support because I sent out many hundreds of messages and NEVER got one back. So, they looked into it and said something like, "nope everything looks fine. It's just a numbers game. Don't give up." Eventually I think I did get three responses. But, they didn't go anywhere.

Early in my dating scene I would spend all kinds of effort, days, especially on line trying to figure out the best possible match for me. I found many over the years that IMO would be a great match for both of us. I then did my best to pursue them. Not one single one of them was interested in me even though our likes and dislikes were almost identical. It just didn't make sense to me. We enjoyed the same things. WTH?

As a matter of fact one girl I found online was nearly my twin in every way. I was SUPER excited because I jumped right to thinking that she is the one for me. I wrote to her and she simply ignored me. I figured something was wrong. So, I asked my friend to send her a message and she replied to him. So, I sent another message and that was also ignored. It turns out she was attracted to guys that were different then her even though that's not what she put in her bio.

Hearing no also hits me very hard. I only ever heard no or they were busy. My confidence went into the toilet. My last girlfriend, more then a decade ago, only happened because a co-worker asked her out for me. I'm still ashamed that I didn't have enough confidence left to take one more rejection. Surprisingly she was interested in going to lunch with me. She just broke up with her boyfriend and was on the rebound. She was hurting and was desperate for attention. I was lucky the timing was perfect. I am nice, treated her well, and what she needed. We stayed together for a few months until we both realized we were polar opposites and really couldn't stand each other. After that failure I completely gave up.

I consider myself old now and dating is something that I absolutely don't want to do. I still would like to have a girlfriend. But, I would like to skip all the getting to know you activities. Every once in awhile my eyes meet with some woman and I wonder if I should talk to them and ask them out. But, to be honest, I'm chicken to do it. Right off the bat I figure they will say no, laugh at me, or be mean about it. So, I just look at them for a few seconds and go about me business. Later I feel bad that I didn't atleast speak to them. I could have just said hi. Maybe they were feeling lonely. Then I think it's all too much trouble so screw it all. A few days go by and I forget about it.

One thing that did help me while I was still willing to make an effort was to pretend to play a character in a show or something. I would even dress differently then I normally would. That way when a woman said no to me I could more easily accept it because it was the character she said no to not me. I know it is a brain tease. But, you have to step away from the rejection somehow so it doesn't hit you so hard. It's not fair. But, life is not fair. You have to figure out how to get around the obstacles. Everybody's obstacles are different.
 

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We had texted pretty regularly for a little over a week. She said I was funny, we chatted about a shared interest, she used lots of silly emojis. We were just a 4-5 days from meeting together for the first time, then nothing.

All the insecurities I have feel so justified now. Yeah, there is something wrong with me. I'm not normal. And people notice it.

This hurts so much. I had such a hard time sleeping last night. My head was jumping around like I was super high on caffeine or something. I couldn't think or hold a thought. All I could see were flashes of light and crazy imagery.. I've never felt anything like that in my life.

I'm pushing 40. At this point, I think it's best I start to plan on living my life alone. I want to share my life with someone so much. But you know, maybe that isn't something everyone gets to experience. I would like to see what is like to be on a date. Or hug someone. Haha I hugged my pillow the other day. This sucks. Haha
It isn't what has happenned that is causing your misery. It is getting tangled up in thoughts about it. It isn't necessary. Seriously you can stop this. Read Eckhart Tolle's book "The Power of Now". (I don't get royalties!)
 

xephier102

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It turns out she was attracted to guys that were different then her
'Opposites attract' Is a dumb common trope. No, they don't.. Not for the most part. Only in cases in which those opposite interests can complement one another. If you're a neuroscientist, and she's a psychologist, that can work. But if she hates he hates high temperatures, and you hate low temperatures, then things will not work. Or even the common cliché of the man being into cars, and football, and her being into flowers, and shows about romance, that won't work; at least not beyond sexual attraction. But good luck having these two people form a unique, and engaging conversation worth a damn (that goes beyond simple gossip).

Believe me. I understand exactly what you are saying. I even emailed match dot com support because I sent out many hundreds of messages and NEVER got one back. So, they looked into it and said something like, "nope everything looks fine. It's just a numbers game. Don't give up." Eventually I think I did get three responses. But, they didn't go anywhere.
Oh, I know. Not sure if you've seen my posts on it, but I've done the actual research into that, and even went so far as to create a female profile, with no pic, and default boring information. That profile got something like 20 messages in the first night. And that was after getting like, no messages ever on my profile, despite multiple changes, pic, no pic, different styles, info, attitude adjustments, and even having an actual woman write my profile.

The simple fact is, in our society, women get mauled by hoards of men, and men get dismissed and ignored to the extent that many of us wish we'd get near that level of attention.

So women get irritated at being consistently approached by guys wanting to date/screw them, and it doesn't help that so many guys are extremely desperate, with justifiable reasoning.

To sum it up, there's an extreme imbalance in the dating culture, which is self-propagating, and negatively affects both sides of the dating spectrum.

Frankly, it's never going to end until we grow beyond the false concept that is 'biology-based gender norms'. Any supporting research behind it is overblown and/or, complete bollocks, and is only reinforced by universal societal-based gender norms. Raise all your children to wear dresses, then put out a study stating that all your kids have a biological imperative to wear dresses.. Just false, and misinterpreted correlations..

We stayed together for a few months until we both realized we were polar opposites and really couldn't stand each other.
Yea.. Best never to go out with someone based on situational circumstances. This is the number two reason why meeting prospected partners in drinking establishments is a terrible idea.. Number one being rape (alcohol is a major contributing factor).

But, I would like to skip all the getting to know you activities.
Honestly, I think it might help if there was a dating site that forced people to post at least 5 negative factors about themselves. Positive factors can, and will, be lied about, but negative factors.. While many may hide their negative factors, very few will state negative factors that they don't have. In other words, negativity has a much higher probability of being factual, than positivity.

So, such a system on a dating site, would maximize possibility of there being at least some truth in people's profiles. Furthermore, it would enable people to filter out hours/days/months of talking to/dating people, that will never accept them.
One thing that did help me while I was still willing to make an effort was to pretend to play a character in a show or something
Never a good thing to do. As that actually runs contrary to my above point. You may just waste a lot of time with someone that would have zero intention of dating the real you. Acts are not an easy thing to keep up. That's why autistic people have so many social difficulties in our society. Many of us are enlightened enough to see that all social interaction is an act, and it just exhausts us. There are ways around this, but none of which are taught to us by the public education system. Not that the public education system teaches us anything about socializing; well, besides how to be judgemental, and to get judged..
 
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Oh, I know. Not sure if you've seen my posts on it, but I've done the actual research into that, and even went so far as to create a female profile, with no pic, and default boring information. That profile got something like 20 messages in the first night. And that was after getting like, no messages ever on my profile, despite multiple changes, pic, no pic, different styles, info, attitude adjustments, and even having an actual woman write my profile.
Yeah, I did lots of research too. In one test I left everything on my bio the same. But, I changed the picture to a male model that sort of resembled me. I didn't even have to send out messages. My inbox was quickly filled up. They said I had a great sense of humor and all kinds of things once they liked the model's picture. But, that was probably 20+ years ago.

Honestly, I think it might help if there was a dating site that forced people to post at least 5 negative factors about themselves. Positive factors can, and will, be lied about, but negative factors.. While many may hide their negative factors, very few will state negative factors that they don't have. In other words, negativity has a much higher probability of being factual, than positivity.
Maybe. That's usually how I figure out if something on Amazon is good or not. Many of the positive feedbacks are paid for.

Never a good thing to do. As that actually runs contrary to my above point. You may just waste a lot of time with someone that would have zero intention of dating the real you. Acts are not an easy thing to keep up. That's why autistic people have so many social difficulties in our society. Many of us are enlightened enough to see that all social interaction is an act, and it just exhausts us. There are ways around this, but none of which are taught to us by the public education system. Not that the public education system teaches us anything about socializing; well, besides how to be judgemental, and to get judged..
Well, at the time, I didn't care if I was compatible with someone or not. I just wanted someone, anyone. I figured everybody has to adjust to be with a partner. I just didn't realize how different everybody really is.

And, yes, everybody puts on an act or are on their best behavior in relationships for quite some time. Some wait until marriage to relax and show their true selves. It is very exhausting. It wore me out.
 

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