The title is suppose to be call "I am so ANGRY"
Well this whole summer for me as been revolved around this site, and many of its great members, I sit here thinking about life, and reading other people threads, and continue clicking the refresh button to see if any new post has been added.
It suddenly hit me, why am a 19 year old sitting in his room all day instead of enjoying life on a daily basis? As I began to think, I slam my table 7 times, and I want to cry but I can't, I want justice, and I want to be heard. I want an apology from my dad, and I want to be a treated like an adult. I can't help but remember all those times he beat me up, and treated me worst than a dog. His passion is in controlling other people and falsely thinking he the almighty witness to any situation. He think he the judge of the house, and he has more right than anyone. He beat my mom up if he think she right in the argument, and not once in his life would he ever admit he wrong, especially that time he accuse me that there were school that day, and if I didn't go he would hit me, but he was wrong. I told him that I want an apology and he laugh about it. Those unseen scar he has put on me has really hurt me in life, and I know I can't rewind times, but I want an sincere apology from him.
I want it NOW!!! Of course he would never apologize, it just not in him to ever admit he wrong. I could purposely get into another accident, and even then at the point between life and death, yet still my dad would never admit his fault. He think he perfect, because ironic he knows how to destroy a childhood.
Just today, a few minute ago, he call me out of my room and lecture me on how I should help out cleaning the shower, and stuff. I wanted to yell at him not because I didn't want to clean the shower but because the way he said it. Wouldn't it be just easier if he ask me to clean the shower instead? Instead what does he do? He does what he also do and that is to impose strict authority on me. He call me out like I suddenly become a criminal and lecture me how I'm an disgraceful son and all of that BS. I didn't do anything wrong, I sat in my room and then he yell out my name, and preach me. It these preach that I can't help but I want to escape as soon as possible. I wonder if I had slam the door would he still hit me now, and put so many wound deep inside of me that has put guilt to this day on everything I do.
My dad is selfish, and only think off himself. Many times my dad would make me go with him to satisfy his own special need. He goes to his friend house enjoying his friend company and make me go while knowing **** well there was no one my age that I could play around with. Am I suppose to make friends with his friends who are 40 year older than me? Many people think he a good father for forcing his family to go with him, but the real reason is he a selfish self-center ******* who at all time want control of his family. I didn't want to go, all I did was sit in one giant bedroom up on the 4th floor and listen to the radio while crying, and afterward he said it was my duty as his son to do whatever he wanted me to do.
Another selfish moment from my dad is black mailing me, which he does too much off, like forcing me to go somewhere I didn't go like the one above ^ and making me feel guilty by saying everything he done for me like taking me home from school and using that too his advantage. It his duty to bring me home from school, and if not then what kind of father is he?
My mom was right, she should have divorce him a long time ago, and she realize now that it too late, and has have a profound affect on me.
BUT he ABUSE me for so long, I want to cry as I hate myself, everything he does to me. What happen in college, and fear of doing something wrong. I can't help it, It was so horrible, I could have friends, and special one too but he made me so scare of girls like that one time in high school where I could get a potential girlfriend, and he found out and decided it was time to change school. I hate him, does he not want me to be happy? I want to grab something and throw it at him, and hope he doesn't make it out alive, I am so sick of all this crap he treat me, off all the years of shamefulness and guilt trip that has bury inside of my head. I am a good person, he is lucky to have me, I never done drug, and I did my best in school despite having bad grade according to his standard, but it the crap he put me up to. An outcast managing to make it through school not to mention life and managing to make it into a UC system, is something special right there. My dad doesn't see it, and he never will.
I want to scream at him but I don't know how anymore. He made me so scare off the time I grow up and began exploring the world that all his anger has stun my growth development. I wanted to be me, and that was unacceptable to his standard, I wanted to cut my hair the way I wanted, and he didn't allow me. I wanted to dye my hair (not even pernament) and he wouldn't allow it. I wanted to get piercing but if it does not benefit him, he won't allow it. It my hair, he said it look ugly, so instead I cut my hair for him instead off me. Why don't he just shave off all my head, and maybe then he'll be happy. He made me so scare of being me, that I couldn't even make a single small decision as to whether I would like to drink or not that I became so suicidal and began blaming myself. I could have been cool, but he made me wear nerdy clothes. I could have been a skater, but he think skateboarding is uncool, so he didn't allow me to buy it with my own money. He think the Simpson is uncool so for 7 years I was un allow to watch it while my cousin who only 7 get to watch it freely. I ask him why? He said because I'm his son, and if I weren't he wouldn't make me do these thing. He said that he doing this to benefit me and someday I will thank him for this. What a hypocrite, I hate him, he mess up my life so badly, I want to cry, I want to be heard, and I didn't get that from him. He wasn't just a father, he was the one that I should have gotten away. There was not a hair in his back when he hit me, the more he hit me, the happier he seem to be. Every whip would not be the last, as I usually get hit at least 3 times, and it seem he enjoy every minute off it.
Yes I been bully all my life to the point of wanting to kill myself, but maybe the real Bully is my dad. He made me so fear of him and that when other bully beat me up, I was too scare to do anything about it. I could have fight back but I never did, because I fear him. People took advantage off me all the time, but I never knew how to defend myself.
I miss so many things, not just something as small as The simpsons. I miss being in the Boy Scout because he made he go to stupid Sunday school where I had to learn about religious crap against my own accord, instead I could have been a leader and I would be in shape and have all the confidence in the world. I could have become something of myself, but once again he fail me that. Dad what about the time I ask if I could join a baseball team, granted it was a bit far away, but what happen? You didn't let me play any sport for that matter, because you think it a waste off money. I lost sport and boy scout along with many things, and in turn my dad use everything to his advantage striking me when I'm down telling me why I don't stay in shape, and why I don't go out much, but it all his fault.
I cry often when I see a father and his son playing sport, and I have more than enough respect for a father coaching his son sport team. I see people out in the street, and I secretly wish they were my father instead. I go on different site, and found people that would replace my mom and dad, and we talk about it, and how perfect harmony never existed. I take comfort in knowing that I am friend with my campus police officers. I know that I can talk to them and they would listen, and I admire the kind of father they are. Maybe one of my secret is I wish they were my father instead. They actually show that I am a worthy person and are there to help me when I'm down. Police OFFICER! Can you believe it? They actually treat me like an adult, a human being with a good heart.
I wish they were my father, I wish I didn't have a father but one thing my dad can't change in me, and that is my identity. IF i ever fall in love, i will never treat my son like way he treat me. I will be the perfect father, and I will him him opportunity and things my dad fail to give me. If he make a mistake, I will acknowledge that and help him understand his way, but I will not hit him. I will break that tradition as he as taught me nothing but pain and anger and a life off suffering. I want to give my child every opportunity in my power I can give him, I want him to be happy first of all. I want him to know that I will always be there for him, and he could talk to me about anything, whether it drugs, sex, pregnancy, I won't judge. If that ever happen, I would be able to find some condolence in myself, and I find it to be a big if, as who knows what the future hold for me.
Now I ask one thing, and that is the strength to tell him face to face how I hate him and how he ruin my life. Until then I will also have a hole in my heart waiting to be fill by the love of someone special. Someone who would care for me, and make me feel that I am worthy of being alive.
Well this whole summer for me as been revolved around this site, and many of its great members, I sit here thinking about life, and reading other people threads, and continue clicking the refresh button to see if any new post has been added.
It suddenly hit me, why am a 19 year old sitting in his room all day instead of enjoying life on a daily basis? As I began to think, I slam my table 7 times, and I want to cry but I can't, I want justice, and I want to be heard. I want an apology from my dad, and I want to be a treated like an adult. I can't help but remember all those times he beat me up, and treated me worst than a dog. His passion is in controlling other people and falsely thinking he the almighty witness to any situation. He think he the judge of the house, and he has more right than anyone. He beat my mom up if he think she right in the argument, and not once in his life would he ever admit he wrong, especially that time he accuse me that there were school that day, and if I didn't go he would hit me, but he was wrong. I told him that I want an apology and he laugh about it. Those unseen scar he has put on me has really hurt me in life, and I know I can't rewind times, but I want an sincere apology from him.
I want it NOW!!! Of course he would never apologize, it just not in him to ever admit he wrong. I could purposely get into another accident, and even then at the point between life and death, yet still my dad would never admit his fault. He think he perfect, because ironic he knows how to destroy a childhood.
Just today, a few minute ago, he call me out of my room and lecture me on how I should help out cleaning the shower, and stuff. I wanted to yell at him not because I didn't want to clean the shower but because the way he said it. Wouldn't it be just easier if he ask me to clean the shower instead? Instead what does he do? He does what he also do and that is to impose strict authority on me. He call me out like I suddenly become a criminal and lecture me how I'm an disgraceful son and all of that BS. I didn't do anything wrong, I sat in my room and then he yell out my name, and preach me. It these preach that I can't help but I want to escape as soon as possible. I wonder if I had slam the door would he still hit me now, and put so many wound deep inside of me that has put guilt to this day on everything I do.
My dad is selfish, and only think off himself. Many times my dad would make me go with him to satisfy his own special need. He goes to his friend house enjoying his friend company and make me go while knowing **** well there was no one my age that I could play around with. Am I suppose to make friends with his friends who are 40 year older than me? Many people think he a good father for forcing his family to go with him, but the real reason is he a selfish self-center ******* who at all time want control of his family. I didn't want to go, all I did was sit in one giant bedroom up on the 4th floor and listen to the radio while crying, and afterward he said it was my duty as his son to do whatever he wanted me to do.
Another selfish moment from my dad is black mailing me, which he does too much off, like forcing me to go somewhere I didn't go like the one above ^ and making me feel guilty by saying everything he done for me like taking me home from school and using that too his advantage. It his duty to bring me home from school, and if not then what kind of father is he?
My mom was right, she should have divorce him a long time ago, and she realize now that it too late, and has have a profound affect on me.
BUT he ABUSE me for so long, I want to cry as I hate myself, everything he does to me. What happen in college, and fear of doing something wrong. I can't help it, It was so horrible, I could have friends, and special one too but he made me so scare of girls like that one time in high school where I could get a potential girlfriend, and he found out and decided it was time to change school. I hate him, does he not want me to be happy? I want to grab something and throw it at him, and hope he doesn't make it out alive, I am so sick of all this crap he treat me, off all the years of shamefulness and guilt trip that has bury inside of my head. I am a good person, he is lucky to have me, I never done drug, and I did my best in school despite having bad grade according to his standard, but it the crap he put me up to. An outcast managing to make it through school not to mention life and managing to make it into a UC system, is something special right there. My dad doesn't see it, and he never will.
I want to scream at him but I don't know how anymore. He made me so scare off the time I grow up and began exploring the world that all his anger has stun my growth development. I wanted to be me, and that was unacceptable to his standard, I wanted to cut my hair the way I wanted, and he didn't allow me. I wanted to dye my hair (not even pernament) and he wouldn't allow it. I wanted to get piercing but if it does not benefit him, he won't allow it. It my hair, he said it look ugly, so instead I cut my hair for him instead off me. Why don't he just shave off all my head, and maybe then he'll be happy. He made me so scare of being me, that I couldn't even make a single small decision as to whether I would like to drink or not that I became so suicidal and began blaming myself. I could have been cool, but he made me wear nerdy clothes. I could have been a skater, but he think skateboarding is uncool, so he didn't allow me to buy it with my own money. He think the Simpson is uncool so for 7 years I was un allow to watch it while my cousin who only 7 get to watch it freely. I ask him why? He said because I'm his son, and if I weren't he wouldn't make me do these thing. He said that he doing this to benefit me and someday I will thank him for this. What a hypocrite, I hate him, he mess up my life so badly, I want to cry, I want to be heard, and I didn't get that from him. He wasn't just a father, he was the one that I should have gotten away. There was not a hair in his back when he hit me, the more he hit me, the happier he seem to be. Every whip would not be the last, as I usually get hit at least 3 times, and it seem he enjoy every minute off it.
Yes I been bully all my life to the point of wanting to kill myself, but maybe the real Bully is my dad. He made me so fear of him and that when other bully beat me up, I was too scare to do anything about it. I could have fight back but I never did, because I fear him. People took advantage off me all the time, but I never knew how to defend myself.
I miss so many things, not just something as small as The simpsons. I miss being in the Boy Scout because he made he go to stupid Sunday school where I had to learn about religious crap against my own accord, instead I could have been a leader and I would be in shape and have all the confidence in the world. I could have become something of myself, but once again he fail me that. Dad what about the time I ask if I could join a baseball team, granted it was a bit far away, but what happen? You didn't let me play any sport for that matter, because you think it a waste off money. I lost sport and boy scout along with many things, and in turn my dad use everything to his advantage striking me when I'm down telling me why I don't stay in shape, and why I don't go out much, but it all his fault.
I cry often when I see a father and his son playing sport, and I have more than enough respect for a father coaching his son sport team. I see people out in the street, and I secretly wish they were my father instead. I go on different site, and found people that would replace my mom and dad, and we talk about it, and how perfect harmony never existed. I take comfort in knowing that I am friend with my campus police officers. I know that I can talk to them and they would listen, and I admire the kind of father they are. Maybe one of my secret is I wish they were my father instead. They actually show that I am a worthy person and are there to help me when I'm down. Police OFFICER! Can you believe it? They actually treat me like an adult, a human being with a good heart.
I wish they were my father, I wish I didn't have a father but one thing my dad can't change in me, and that is my identity. IF i ever fall in love, i will never treat my son like way he treat me. I will be the perfect father, and I will him him opportunity and things my dad fail to give me. If he make a mistake, I will acknowledge that and help him understand his way, but I will not hit him. I will break that tradition as he as taught me nothing but pain and anger and a life off suffering. I want to give my child every opportunity in my power I can give him, I want him to be happy first of all. I want him to know that I will always be there for him, and he could talk to me about anything, whether it drugs, sex, pregnancy, I won't judge. If that ever happen, I would be able to find some condolence in myself, and I find it to be a big if, as who knows what the future hold for me.
Now I ask one thing, and that is the strength to tell him face to face how I hate him and how he ruin my life. Until then I will also have a hole in my heart waiting to be fill by the love of someone special. Someone who would care for me, and make me feel that I am worthy of being alive.
