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I have a friend that needs help.

Fustar

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So I've never suffered from clinical depression, just regular happens sometimes depression. You know the kind that you shake out in a day or two. I have a friend who suffers from depression and won't get therapy or help. He keeps thinking he is cured than puts himself back into the same situations that triggered the bout in the first place. He has made some but little progress. I give advice, but honestly it's started to wear on me. Not sure what else to do. Any advice from any that suffers from or understands depression better than I would be appreciated. Most of his depression is based on finding a life partner and work. He thinks it's all his fault when women don't like him, and anyone that gives him the slightest attention is the one. He also takes on leadership roles at work he knows he isn't fit for and then gets mad and depressed when supervisors talk to him about stuff and get onto him. Thanks for any advice you can give.
 

MissBehave

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I don’t think there is much to do other than have a honest conversation about it with him. 
Try to explain how you see it but at the end of the day, it’s his issue. 
You say that it wears on you that he is acting this way but this is on you. You need to have a healthy distance to other people’s problems. If you are a friend you bring him honesty, friendship and support but you don’t let yourself sink into his problems and state of mind.
 

Fay F

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Hi Fustar,

I agree with MissBehave. You can't give advice to a person who doesn't want to hear it or take it. I'm in a similar situation so I can relate to the feelings of frustration. In fact, I was given a tip by my social worker, she said stop advising. Just be there to listen, don't give an opinion. Everyone is responsible for their own decisions. I had depression for many years in my 20's and 30's. I actually resented my friends giving me advice. I had to hit my rock bottom before I could "advise" myself so to speak, and find my way out of the black pit.

A very difficult thing is not to be affected by it though. My husband's issues affect me directly and after 16 years, I'm only now establishing boundaries to keep myself from falling back into the depression I fought so hard to manage. It's hard to separate wanting to help them from keeping yourself safe.

As for the work thing, again, he will have to learn on his own. Sorry to say.

My husband also refuses therapy which is very sad because I know how it can help, but I can't force that on him. The sad part is that he will lose me because of all this. I hope that you are able to keep a good friendship despite it wearing on you. Very difficult situation!
 

Fustar

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Yeah these are the conclusions I have come to myself. It helps a little bit to hear. My friend is a big part of my life, just sucks to see him fall down, get back up, and then to let the same thing make him fall down again.
 

Fay F

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Fustar said:
Yeah these are the conclusions I have come to myself. It helps a little bit to hear. My friend is a big part of my life, just sucks to see him fall down, get back up, and then to let the same thing make him fall down again.

I'm sure it's extremely difficult. But as you said, he's a big part of your life, the best you can do is be there when he needs picking up I guess.
 

Yeti1980

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Adding another viewpoint here, but in general what kind of person is he and what does he do for a living? Is he the type who feels that work is the most important thing in life?

I say this because it sounds almost like he needs to re-evaluate what's important in life and to value himself over the things that happen. So work is a bit of a drag and something didn't work out, but in the end he still has a job and somewhere to live etc. Sometimes it can help to strip life back a little bit and just concentrate on the simple things.
 

SirBacon

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Hey Fustar, your friend sounds pretty normal to me. Some self destructive tendencies and stubbornness perhaps, but don't we all have that to a certain extent. You are probably diagnosing things pretty accurately. My advice is to let all that go. Just be his friend, be there, be loyal and be uplifting. Men need respect. Trust him to live his own life and respect him for it. Try and use words that are encouraging and respectful. Try it for awhile and see if that doesn't help him. My suspicion is that he'll come around to your advice on his own as you and whomever pour some encouragement into him.
God speed.
 

Forgottendanfan

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The reality is, you can only do so much. As someone who suffers from recurring bouts of depression myself, I'd say the best thing you can do is talk to your friend without judgment, make him aware you're there for him as a friend and confidant, maybe suggest the idea of him getting some help, but (and this is imporrant), DO NOT press the issue. It has to be his choice ultimately. Also important is to give him space. People with depression (talking from my own experience too) generally don't enjoy being smothered and incessantly talked at. If there comes a time when he wants to open up and ask for help, he will....but it will be in his own time and on his own terms.
 

WanderingInTheWoods

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Fustar said:
So I've never suffered from clinical depression, just regular happens sometimes depression. You know the kind that you shake out in a day or two. I have a friend who suffers from depression and won't get therapy or help. He keeps thinking he is cured than puts himself back into the same situations that triggered the bout in the first place. He has made some but little progress. I give advice, but honestly it's started to wear on me. Not sure what else to do. Any advice from any that suffers from or understands depression better than I would be appreciated. Most of his depression is based on finding a life partner and work. He thinks it's all his fault when women don't like him, and anyone that gives him the slightest attention is the one. He also takes on leadership roles at work he knows he isn't fit for and then gets mad and depressed when supervisors talk to him about stuff and get onto him. Thanks for any advice you can give.

I understand where your coming from, I had a friend who was depressed too. It didn't seem to matter anything I said to him and he just kept getting worse. I truly cared for him a lot and wanted nothing but the best for him but he just never got therapy. Just continue to be there for him, but remember to set up boundaries when it gets too much for you. Talk for a little bit to him, but it drains you dry, just tell him you need to go. He will get help and ask for help when he needs help. Avoiding the issues won't make the issue go away. Just be honest with him and I'm glad you tried to be there for him. We can only do so much for people, but remember to take care of yourself too. Taking care of yourself is important. Hope things get better for you over time! :)
 

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